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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend ran over to ask me this morning why there was a pretty young lady in our car with my fella!

207 replies

Trio · 27/09/2006 16:59

Im willing to accept that maybe im being a bit daft about this, BUT, i called and asked dp and he said yes, she is called Rachel, she started work there a few weeks ago and he has been picking her and giving her a lift ever since! We only have one car and up until a few weeks ago (funnily enough) i had the car most of the time as he got a lift of a friend, but suddenly he decided he needs the car all the time - hmm i wonder why that is! AND she only lives round the corner from us - why has he failed to tell me all of this? and only told me grudgingley when i asked him about it? My friend said she looked really young and pretty! im trying not to be silly about it but i have to wonder why he hasnt said anything at all about her!

OP posts:
lulumama · 27/09/2006 21:01

Trio - this seems to be split into 2 camps - those who think it is irrelevant and just a bloke being a bloke, and those who think it is indicative of a far reaching relationship issue...have to say i wouldn't be that bothered - think you need to clarify in YOUR mind -
why are you pissed off?
cos someone else told you
that he is taking her to work
that he didn't tell you
and is there a deeper trust issue at stake...
have you talked to HIM??? he probably has no idea you are so ...

Pages · 27/09/2006 21:09

Haven't read the whole thread but my first reaction was that your friend seems at best insensitive and at worst a stirrer.

It is odd that your DP didn't mention it but I would look at your relationship history before jumping to any conclusions - how long have you been together, has he ever given you any reason to mistrust him in the past and have you ever given him any reason to think he can't tell you about something like this because of the way you would react?

joelallie · 28/09/2006 10:43

Don't think you have anything to worry about TBH from the sound of it. So yes she's pretty and young and he probably quite likes looking at her, maybe even fancies her in a casual way - that happens all the time in the work place and it comes to nothing. So he's probably not about to embark on an affair. But all of a sudden he's using the car all the time which presumably inconveniences you and using petrol which he doesn't need to. Why can't she share a lift with him AND his mate?

I think you should simply put your foot down and tell him that you need the car and can't he go back to previous arrangments. And have a bit of a laugh at him FFS ! Silly sod.

BTW I think your friend was doing some unneccsary stirring but probably wasn't meaning to be malicious.

Original poster
Trio · 28/09/2006 13:56

Sorry - have only just managed to get back on here since yesterday as our village is in the throws of a huge school merger debate and we have been to our local community centre to sya our peace, its been a busy few days with all of that. Anyway, i havent had chance to read ALL posts since my last but, in response to you NJ if you have a fab dh/dp who has never ever let you down and you trust implicitly then you would never need to question something like this, however, not everybody has a dh/dp like this, some of us have lovely fella's (sorry it IS a funny name that isnt it? ) my dp is great but he has lied to me in the past and although i trust him alot, i dont trust him 100% i realise i perhaps should have mentioned this on my first post, not long ago i caught him talking and frequently emailing TEN different women and two of which he was getting VERY close with, these girls new more about what he was doing re work and recent job interviews he had had than i did!! we had a HUGE row about it and he got rid of that email address and said he would never do it again (im still doubtful as to wether or not he has got rid of them all) so when i find out he has been giving a very pretty lady a lift to work for a few weeks and not told me i think im quite entitled to get annoyed somewhat! and as for my friend who told me, she is lovley but is a bit of a gossip so i guess she rather enjoyed spilling some beans!!!!

OP posts:
anniemac · 28/09/2006 15:10

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anniemac · 28/09/2006 15:13

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Kif · 28/09/2006 15:35

I think invite her round for dinner (encouraging her to bring her partner of she has one).

It'll let you see what the dynamic is between her and your Dh. It's also very natural if she lives close to you and your Dh is keen to see her settle in.

I can't see that blowing up over a lift will do much - unless you're going to ask Dh to change his job. You risk making an issue out of it and giving it 'substance'.

I think always helpful to get to know people. Otherwise for ever she;ll be the 'pretty new girl' to you - and you'll be 'the jealous wife' to her.

'Pretty' and 'friendly' doesn't have to mean 'affair' btw. I'd find it quite odd if my Dh was keeping tabs on 'handsome' male colleagues who I may have lunch or coffee with. I think it probably feels worse because women are minority compared to men in workplace.

anniemac · 28/09/2006 15:41

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Kif · 28/09/2006 15:59

Understand me right - I'm not saying 'it's all in your mind'.

However, I think at the moment it doesn't look like anything more than a flirtation. Think realsitically what you're asking DH to do - not speak to his colleague again? And how are you going to check on it? Will blowing up about it make you feel any better? Or him less likely to do something daft? Isn't half the reason for the upsat that there was some secrecy around it? I think play it secure and confident - and push for things to be as 'above ground' as possible, for everyones peace of mind.

I'm not saying daily trysts with a special friend, but I work the kind of work where it is a good idea to network a fair amount and maintain friendships. My big rule is that I always bring Dh and Dd into the conversation pretty early. Men that I consider my friends also get invited round to meet the family. The message is "I come as a package with my family". It's straightforward.

charleypopspreviouslyntt · 28/09/2006 16:07

Some guys need keeping on a short leash - your dh sounds like one.

If he were my dh I'd give him a roasting and ban him from giving her lifts, in fact I'd not let him take the car at all.

sleepfinder · 28/09/2006 16:11

You're not being silly. Deceipt, i.e not telling you about this is a bit of a betrayal in itself. I'd be very upset. It sounds like HE's being silly, actually and the girl in question is probably completely unaware of it. Can you put it down to a bit of a mid-life crisis?

NatalieJane · 28/09/2006 16:12

Trio, I see your reasons for why you are questioning the intent behind the lifts to work now. I hope it all gets sorted out OK but I do still agree with wannaBe, he wouldn't do it on his own doorstep if there was anything behind it.

And for the record, without trying to sound smug, my DH hasn't ever let me down, or made me feel like I had reason not to trust him, I couldn't live with him almost expecting me to cheat on him either, suspision and possesivness would cause more harm to our relationship, and and take away our respect for each other and our marriage, more than most other things could. He wouldn't be the same man if he felt he had to watch his every move incase I got the wrong end of the stick about something, and then where would it leave our relationship?

Kif · 28/09/2006 16:13

I think get the car back - but make it out that you're dead annoyed about not having the car rather than about the new girl. Moan about how awkward it's been not having the car etc. etc. - why can't he start getting lifts from his friend again. Makes it difficult for Dh to not give you the car back - rather than give him an opportunity to flounce off and call you jealous. Give him a dignified way out of the situation.

Original poster
Trio · 28/09/2006 17:36

Thanks for the responses everyone! NJ i appreciate your input and i do agree with you really, i think you made some good points and sometimes i think you can get too close and you cant see the woods for the trees, but like i said you made some good points and i think i need to sit down and think our relationship through somewhat!. i think i may try and meet her too, for dinner or whatever, since she only lives around the corner i suppose it wouldnt look too suspicious if i try and befriend her in some way, any way i have something to go and think about now - well, more to think about that is!

OP posts:
risingsun · 28/09/2006 17:43

Trio-Have you asked your dp about this?
Does he know you know about the lifts now?

I would be inclined to just ask him outright and se what his response is.

Original poster
Trio · 28/09/2006 17:44

I'm really sorry but I'm got to say how anti-man some of you are... I am the DH (is it?!) of Trio and all I have done is take a collegue to work... is this wrong? Does this warrant an inquisition?? Yes shes female, yes she's pretty, but damn it shes 20 years old an I'm 30!... I can control myself you know... :P

OP posts:
Carmenere · 28/09/2006 17:48

Glad to hear it Trios dh

NatalieJane · 28/09/2006 17:48

Sorry Mr Trio, I was fighting your corner, but there is a 13 year age gap between me and my DH, so that won't wash with me!!

treacletart · 28/09/2006 17:49

Taking a colleague to work isn't a problem, even if she's pretty, but I think not thinking to mentioning it to Trio is.

Carmenere · 28/09/2006 17:50

Nobody would object to you giving a colleague a lift, it's the lying by omission that is a little dodgy and 30yr olds have been know to do it with 20yr olds y'know!

Piffle · 28/09/2006 17:50

I'm not anti man at all
I am anti my man not telling me he's giving pretty young things a lift to work
Infact I would expect him to tell me if he took anyone, even granny.
The age thing pah

risingsun · 28/09/2006 17:58

Well Mr Trio,think of it this way.
What about if Trio was giving a 20 year old man a lift and not told you about it?

Original poster
Trio · 28/09/2006 18:00

I really wodn't give two flying hoots if she did give someone a lift to work... what is this world coming too?

OP posts:
risingsun · 28/09/2006 18:03

Mr Trio,if that is the case and you are so matter of fact about it,then why not tell her that you were giving this young girl a lift to work.

fattiemumma · 28/09/2006 18:04

MR Trio - i hope that the firstthing that this thread has shown you is how upset your wife is about this situation.
i dont think you are necessarily doing anything you think is wrong but she clearly has some issues withthe fact that you drive another woman who is younger and pretty to work every day.

its not helped by the fact that you concealed this good dead from your wife.
I think some seriouse grovveling and a long chat are in order.

OH and bugger off her user name, your welcome to use Mn but get your own name!

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