It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

Myfriend - to quote my kids, that was 'awesome' thank you, that is Exactly what I am going to do, play him at his own fucking game and stop bloody wobbling my bottom lip!!

I'm not going to shag him, but I will make it very clear from now on that there's no hope for 'us' without total job security mwahaha

Thank you wwk noted, will do! Hope all ok your end X

Found you! Fell behind due to problems with my computers...

I have no actual advice, Name, but am still cheering you on. You will get there. I am appalled that the advice is to stay put. That is so dreadful; I can hardly believe it. I suppose an honourable man with integrity would do the right thing, and that's the problem with your shitdick; that he simply isn't.

I like the sound of your plumber too. Can you make sure he's Corgi registered? and then send him here? (Just work! honest!)

Aw thanks Jux will do!!

You know I could be really evil - he has until 23rd October to refute my claims of unreasonable behaviour and disagree with having to pay my costs which were automatically claimed for on the petition due to it being on the grounds of UB.

The way he refutes this is by getting himself his own legal representation which I don't believe he's done. In fact I know he hasn't, he's too 'busy' and has assumed by way of steamrollering that we are 'working at it' again and he has dismissed what I did as just tosh.

Now - you could argue that it is very deceptive of me to allow him back and to be pleasant towards him so as not to be on the receiving end of even worse abuse rock the boat and to therefore mislead him into not doing anything about those pesky divorce papers OR you could argue that he's a grown man who is solely responsible for his own destiny and if he prefers to bank on assumptions, then more fool him. After all, having bulldozed his way back into an abusive marriage where he is the abuser, surely it's unreasonable to expect his wife to remind him to deal with his side of the divorce in a timely fashion or there will be consequences for him.

My job is to protect me and the kids - that is all.

And by 23rd October he will definitely have his contract signed.

Can I keep this going til then is the question. Hmmm difficult. Very difficult. It will definitely get bad again in that time especially if I keep spurning his advances.

Keep spurning any advances for the sake of your sanity. If it gets worse then surely you can issue those proceedings non mol etc, or is that only of he hits you? Remember the old rhyme... Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me! KOKO he's a prat and you are amazing. No to sex and no to happy families

Just dreaming of my ideal situation that's all - me getting a non molestation order in place at the perfect time that he can't refute my claims, has to pay it all and can't just walk away from work (or at least can have a meltdown or whatever, go off sick and still get paid)

Oh what happy, sweet days those would be!!

Thank you Petunia!! Sorry crossed posts there I'm getting carried away with myself haha! Hope all well with you X

Alk you can do is keep yourself safe but do you really feel comfortable with all the pretense. I worry it could all turn very ugly when he realises you have been on different pages. He thinks you are happy. .. He's an idiot but still believes it.

Whatdoes Yes it would be very difficult and very misleading - it would be perfect for me but through ill gotten gains and so much can happen in that time.....but then with a non mol in place he could turn as ugly as he liked, I wouldn't see any of it and we'd already be at decree nisi, no turning back stage....hmmm. Food for thought at the moment - I can but dream!

Ah, no I'm forgetting - a non mol would be harder to get wouldn't it if we were living okish together.

It's highly likely things will deteriorate well before the end of October though.

Ignore me, I'm a bit giddy with it all tonight!

H is on his way back now!

Name you sound so mighty, you are going to get through this and have a wonderful life. Keep safe and do whatever it takes to help your future. Wonder how long you could fake a nice pungent and noisy case of D&V to keep him at bay.

Name I understand you wanting to dream but to be honest there probably isn't such a thing a perfect timing irl. Don't let that sidetrack you from doing whatever you need to do next.

Also - I'm wondering if there are any legal arguments he can use if you really go for too much pretence. Just keep you and the dc's safe!

Thank you Arow

Agreed Educatingarti I'm going to meet this DV lawyer on Wednesday so will talk about it all then

Ok, so if you think he'll stop the mortgage payments, then in effect he will be making you homeless, so you should qualify for a council house? I could be wrong but that's how it looks to me, and bloody well done, when this is all over and you are settled in your new home, or this one, we should have an online knees up

I agree with calling the debt helpline. I'd also have a think about talking to my bank, even informally and without giving your name or maybe requesting that it's not recorded.

It's also a question for rotty lawyer and one stop shop on weds.

Te police are shit. I just don't believe that there is nothing to be done unless he is physically violent. (I dont believe them - I don't think you're lying!) My ddad had a similar issue with the police and my dgrandfather. He was bein harassed and threatened and police wouldn't help. It was only after specialist lawyers got involved that it was sorted.

Christ digger thats bad

Wishing you a peaceful night Name

Sorry :) I've made it sound like my dad was being harassed by his dad. Ddad was trying to protect dgf. Dgf was fairly vulnerable as an 83 yr old and was being harassed, financially and emotionally abused by a women. Police refused to do anything as dgf was too frightened of reprisals to tell her to go away. After lawyers got involved it was sorted :)

play him at his own fucking game

Absolutely Name, you are in the throes of the "Divorce Game" and you have to play it like that:

Strategy >>> Implement >>> Result >>> Reevaluate >>> Strategy >>> Ad Infinitum

Your rottweiler lawyer and you need to decide on the best strategy, implement it together, assess the results, reevaluate the situation, and then strategise again. This will happen over and over and over again as you go through the different parts of the divorce process. Keeping her apprised of the goings-on (not too often, but not too little either) is part of the process so that she can help you devise the best strategy for that time point.

you could argue that he's a grown man who is solely responsible for his own destiny

At the end of the day, each and every one of us is responsible for our own destinies. No one is going to make sure he is fed, no one is going to wipe his bum, and no one is going to shore up his side of the divorce process if he doesn't do it himself. This is a universal truth that many many people are not even aware of, let alone accept and act on. He is going to learn very shortly that you mean business and that this is happening.

KOKO Name .

How are you doing today Name?

Hi, ok thanks Adora

Thanks a lot Zazzles that was a real confidence boost, this is a game and ultimately I am not responsible for him, no matter how much he thinks I am (or has made me feel I am). thank you everybody else

I was at the FP this morning. Today was talking about effects on children including newborns and unborns while you are pregnant.

It was hard for some and and for me. H didn't talk to me for 3 months straight after I had DD1 and when we found out DD2 was another girl at the scan, he stormed out in tears and barely spoke to me for the rest of the pregnancy because he had wanted a boy. Needless to say, coupled with all the debt problems I was having to deal with at the same time, it was a traumatic birth and I needed to be kept in hospital for 3 days, but he forced me out after 2 days so that he could go straight back to work and I got Zero support. DD2 was very, very clingy with me for the first 3 years.

It's good that these memories are being dredged up to help me focus. But it's also terrible remembering them and actually seeing it for what it was.

I remember not wanting to leave the hospital because I didn't want to go home with him and poor little DD2 would have sensed all of this :(

So anyway, lightening the mood back up, my book Power and Control arrived today which I have just started reading and I am going to the 1stop shop tomorrow morning straight from dropping off the kids.

I've got to get him out of my life people - he is literally smothering me with affection at the moment, long drawn out hugs in front of the kids, which aren't so much 'hugs' but more him just draping himself on me, 'how are you my baby?' phone calls, instigating sitting next to me, taking my hand, cracking some real funny jokes, the good old painting the happy future crap and suggesting us getting a puppy.

Imho, you do not need to carry any guilt/blame/shame for not dealing with his divorce for him... old habits die hard you are breaking away from that training and brainwashing.
Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead, name, you are doing great.

Hi Name,

Totally with you on the horrors of looking back on the baby time that should have been lovely and just wasn't. It is an awful thing and I hate looking back on times of being bullied at your most vulnerable moment. It is horribly poignant, and probably almost the hardest thing to come to terms with. I share your sadness today. Know that you are not alone in not having a warm glow around the memories of your babies' early days.

What a total shit your H is and was. I wish I was doing the FP with you. I think I need to. You may inspire me. Well done so far. I hope you get him away from you very soon.

His love-bombing is making my toes curl OP, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you.

What a fucking bastard he has been to you Name But you are doing brilliantly

I lived with my abusive ex for nine months after I decided to leave and he'd swing between the usual vileness and saccharine over-affection. I preferred the vileness, frankly.