It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

My god, Name, your STBXH is an evil shit, isn't he? Fuck me....!!! .

Name, I could cry over how he treated you and your babies. Glad you are writing it down now, keep it in your mind when he moans about missing family life.

He is Demaz, he's certainly 'special'!!

Poppy thank you I thoroughly recommend the FP. The support is fantastic and although not all of it will be relevant, so much of it is - it can be very moving and I'm glad I'm doing it, not least because of the focus it gives me each week

Yes it definitely is love bombing Twink, might look that up again actually - it's really tough but what I've reckoned in my mind is that he's doing this, not me. I wanted him away and took the right steps to get him out, he has ignored that and forced his way back in - he thinks 'love bombing' me now is the right way to bring about control again.

Which actually reared it's ugly head this morning when he called me on my to the FP to tell me his sister's rent is due, 'sorry babe, i know this is shit and I'm gonna have words with her BUT...and I'm not having a go here(!), but if you were up with me at 6.30 instead of 7.30 then we could discuss these things properly and make plans'

Ho hum, story of my life that is - if only you were more like this, why can't you be more like that.

Actually H I can be so crippled with depression at times that sleep is my only sanctuary. I'm not quite at the bounce out of bed first thing, 'Rise and fucking Shine everyone, it's another day of this shit to deal with! stage!

I'll be happily bouncing out of bed when fuckwits finally gone though!

Thanks everyone

WHAT? Have I got this right, he's wanting you to stump up for his sister's rent? Or have I got this wrong? Jesus wept!

BTW, sorry to be ignorant, but what's FP?

I hope you told him to do one with his sisters rent!! And why the feck would you get up at 6.30 when you don't need to?? My DH gets up at 6.15, I get up 6.40 and kids 10 mins each after that, no squabbling over the bathroom that way. But then if we need to remember /discuss something we do it the night before ! Not on way to work and therefore creating a reason why the other person isn't as good as they should have been. He really is good at this twisted bastard lark isn't he? He doesn't seem to have to try.

H didn't talk to me for 3 months straight after I had DD1 and when we found out DD2 was another girl at the scan, he stormed out in tears and barely spoke to me for the rest of the pregnancy because he had wanted a boy.

Just that glimpse alone into life with him makes for sad reading, Name, but

it was a traumatic birth and I needed to be kept in hospital for 3 days, but he forced me out after 2 days so that he could go straight back to work and I got Zero support

really takes the biscuit.

Don't you go setting your alarm clock for any earlier than you fancy, will you.

IIRC, at around the time the divorce papers were served on him, you emailed him the details and passwords for the online banking. In which case, why is he telling you to pay his sister's rent? Don't do it. No way. Stop pandering to his whims. He is well capable of doing it himself.

God he is nauseating with his 'babe' and 'I'm not having a go but'

Could you just say to him that you have let him come back, and yes he is very fucking lucky you have allowed this, but that now he must do his own admin, including his sister's rent. He seems to think you work for him.

What plans need to be made? He pays it or he tells her he won't. Why do you need to get up an hour earlier every day to consider those two simple choices?

I know. He honestly thinks I work for him and that marriage is like a business and that it should be a successful one at that which means up early every day, cups of tea and making lists. Successful living he calls it. It therefore means that when things go wrong, the root cause can be traced right back to inadequate planning. 'Fail to prepare, prepare to fail'.

He is exhausting.

I don't want to live my life like a successful business. It hasn't been successful for as long as I can remember, up at the crack of dawn or not.

FP is Freedom Programme Oldgrandmama

Gosh, he is a number, isn't he?

Reminds me of a friend who was ordered bed rest with her second pregnancy and whose husband only got around to getting home-help the day she went into hospital with a miscarriage.

I hear you about his sisters rent. But it's only going to be hellish if I don't - I'm not working at the moment and he works very very hard so wtf shouldn't I.

To all those who said why can't he move in with his sister seeing as he pays her rent? Unfortunately she's about 400 miles away!

That's horrible Mexican

I was initially drawn to this thread because your ex was sooo similar to my ex it was uncanny.

But the more I read, the more I realise my ex was a mere amateur compared to yours.

What an absolute fucking bastard he is Name Off the scale. I'm finding it difficult to read some of the shit he spouts - 'babe', and 'I'm not having a go here but ...' FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING TWAT.

I swear if I'd have been married to him I'd be in HMP Holloway by now. Banged up for murder.

That looks like a pro rather than a con to me

I'm afraid yours is just as bad, Name. She stayed with him for another thirteen years. Here's rooting for you, Name!

By the sounds of it he's going to continue to pay her rent forEVER so its not worth making it into a battleground.

But didn't you email him all the passwords etc so that he could do this himself? Why should you do it.

I did Petunia, but he's FAR too busy to actually do it himself.

It's ok, I'm on the case to get him to sign his work contract which he has promised to do - this is vital for me so I won't rock the boat until then.

He seems keen to do it, and wants us both to look at it, no doubt at 6.30am with cups of tea, but if that's what it takes, then so be it. Once that's done I will feel much more secure. He's also been implementing things at work to remove the pressure and stress, he's building a team around him that can shoulder some of his responsibility - again a plus in the divorce stakes I should think, he will be able to have his breakdown then whilst still being paid and while his team carry on.

Thanks everyone Font I remember you saying that before - I think his premier league abuse tactics are more down to an undiagnosed personality disorder than simply being an arsehole. His delusions of grandeur and sense of entitlement can be utterly astounding. Like nothing I've ever known, and I've known some right arseholes in my time, including my Dad!

He's out tonight yay!, and I'm away this weekend seeing my best friend which will be lovely, not least because it also means it's another 'family weekend' safely swerved!

I know that I'm a sly bitch but if I was in your position Name I'd get those online passwords changed pronto.

Once the shit really does hit the fan you DO NOT want him to cut off all your access any to money for the foreseeable. And he will, of that you can be absolutely certain.

I did think that Bitter - I didn't like giving him the passwords because it's always been me that's taken care of the finances but I reckoned he would need to be able to pay rent and things like that and didn't want him needing to contact me as I was stupidly hoping to go no contact.

What I do have is my own, seperate bank account that I have been passing funds into, although they have pretty much diminished with solicitors fees so I've got some building back up to do at the moment

You are doing brilliantly Name

So sad to hear how he treated you while your girls were babies. My ds is just ten weeks old so I can imagine what you went through with no support. More evidence that you're a tough cookie and can get through this, too

Thank you darkest hope things ok with you.

That's really kind, thank you Outflew hope you're enjoying your baby boy! I still enjoyed my babies you know, i have happy memories of them and I was good at blocking him out most of the time. Just would have been nice to have been loved and supported by my partner while I was loving and caring for our babies, but it wasn't to be. There are worse cases than mine out there unfortunately

When the time is right please please wake him at 05.30am with a cup of tea and an itinerary advising him to successfully F the F off to the other side of F and then F off some more (at 05.36am precisely)