It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

Thanks everyone Hmm well it was good, not amazing but it's a start. They've logged me and I am on the radar with the domestic abuse team now which they have given me numbers for.

I felt a little intimidated because it was three of them - 2 men and a young female in training.

I told them about the coercion, manipulation and harassment and they confirmed that yes he does have a right to be here, no they can't just come in and arrest him unless there's violence, call my solicitor again and ask about other orders, speak to the county court as they're good for advice and speak to the domestic abuse team about what to do in the case of unwanted sexual coercion.

So I will. I'm going to phone back my FP lady as she texted me while they were here checking I'm ok.

Cambridge, have you got onto a Freedom Programme - that could really help.

So I'm off to make some calls now!

The visit does sound disappointing but as you said, it's a start and things are getting logged now. I would have expected there to be more women than men.

Let us know how you get on with those calls. xx

Thanks Mummyglitzer

Just spoken to my FP lady - she has said to contact the local women's centre because they have an in house DV solicitor who will talk to me, she probably won't be there today but she can call me. And also every borough has a One stop Shop for DV advice - call them, tell them I'm on the FP, I am trying to divorce my manipulative husband who won't leave the house, I have been told by my solicitor to just 'ride it out' and I have informed the police - what can I do.

And then after that I'm going to call the council about housing benefit etc even though I 'own' a property, i don't actually have any money in my pocket and it's all tied up in the property until it's sold - can I still get help.

So I will be back after I know some more. X

Wow - you are really doing loads! Well done!

Sorry the police visit was a little disappointing. Not all colleagues give the greatest advice - sad but true. Its a bit naughty that 3 of them came out as well, I can totally understand how that would be intimidating. Obviously our younger in service colleagues need to learn things, but sometimes officers forget that there is a victim who may never have had any involvement with the police before, and that 3 of them turning up on the doorstep would be scary!

Definitely speak to the domestic abuse team now you have the numbers, they are the specialists and best placed to advise you. The thing about him only being arrested if he is violent is rubbish, there are all manner of things people can be arrested for that don't involve violence, harassment is one of them. And obviously the sex thing, but won't say any more about that as gave my advise previously about that.

Anyway, FP lady sounds great, and between her and the domestic abuse team hopefully you will finally get some great advise that can really help you.

I know its hard not to feel intimidated when you don't have a lot of experience with the police, however, I have a feeling that by the time this is all over, you are going to have had a number of visits from the police, because of the abusive dickhead. The more frequently you talk to the police, the harder it is to be intimidated - I have had to make reports to the police at least once every year or two. And when you understand how the police reporting system works and can provide them the information they seek to make the report, it takes away that intimidation factor. All of this is a whole new world to you Name, and you have been handling it all extremely well. KOKO .

Oh and I should think that if you have to make another report, tell them that you don't want 3 police officers on your front door step next time. They really shouldn't have done that without letting you know.

Don't forget when you speak to the council to say you are leaving the house due to domestic abuse. (And it might be sneaky, but imo dont say emotional/mental unless they specifically ask). You count as homeless and top of the queue then :) x

Hang on, one wtf moment - they cant arrest him unless there is violence? But threatening violence on a person is a crime in itself. Are you no longer a person once you are the property of your husband?!

Glad the FP woman is more helpful than the police seem to be ATM.

Good luck with things you are arranging now.

Stay strong, you know you want this divorce so don't let the weasel talk you out of it. But be very careful in the meantime, as already mentioned he is escalating the EA right now.

God knows Beyond - I am getting differing advice all over the place Thanks Zazzles and fluffy and educating.

Right I have spoken to the DV lawyer attached to the women's centre - she's a right little Rottweiler! And the one stop shop people who I am seeing on Wednesday morning.

Both of them gave me a resounding 'Don't leave the bloody house!' Because to make myself homeless is bad.....

This DV solicitor is ready anytime I want to whip me up an emergency non mol with legal aid and get me filing it in court the next morning.

So I am going to see them all in person on Wednesday morning at this one stop shop thing and lay it all on the table.

1. Ok I don't leave the house and get a non mol but he will stop paying the mortgage because he definitely will walk out of his job if served with an order and I can't afford the mortgage, even with a salary and benefits so what do I do there? Can I rush the sale of the house then so that the accruing missed payments don't eat up my entire deposit for a new place?

1. What do I do in between filing the non mol order at court and awaiting the hearing - sleep with one eye open by the front door armed with a cricket bat? that will be one for the police DV team so I'll call them after my 1stop shop meeting on Wednesday.
2. Once I'm decided on my next course of action I will have to tell H that this isn't happening, he's back under duress and that's all because he's going to play the 'you bitch, you've been leading me on' card. Yeah really leading him on by serving him papers and telling him not to contact me. He's already expecting more sex and was starting to enquire last night why not. That's only going to escalate.

So there I am for now. Freedom programme tomorrow then this group of DV solicitor, WA and victim support on Wednesday.

Getting there slowly but surely!!

Log all incidents of the requests for sex. They will be evidence of harassment.

Thank you Adora

Name, well done on your plan.

Can you "develop" cystitis for now?

Is "because i'm still angry" non committal enough that he cant see what you are planning, without leading him on to the idea that you are staying?

Of course if you dont mind leading him on that he has a chance for now, the old "i want to take things slow to get back on track" might work

:) x

Glad things are moving Name Cant believe 3 police officers turned up and said they cant arrest him unless there is violence. What rubbish. If that were true then they wouldnt be able to arrest people for being drunk and disturbing the peace on a saturday night. And if one of their own got harassed they would be humming a different tune.

The DV solicitor from the womens centre sounds great though

And i agree with Beyond. It stinks of them seeing a woman as the property of her husband

Well done Name, you're doing great. Sounds like you're on the right tracks now :)

Hooray for the Rottweiler DV lawyer!

Answer re sex: because I said no! Don't give an excuse just no!

I can't believe he'd ask after getting papers, he really does think this is some silly thing you've worked yourself up over snd now he's back it's gone away. He really is a prick.

I'm not an expert on any of this. But I love the sound of the rotteweiler solicitor.

KOKO you are amazing.

Oh thanks everyone

Yes I liked the DV sol - she sounded a bit street and rough and ready haha - and she explained exactly what we've all been saying here over 3 threads, that non mols prevent what I'm going through now, not just 'violence' and that I need to get punched first in order to get one which is what my solicitor is telling me!

Phew, it's been a much better day!

'Or' that I need to get punched first!

I just need to tell the court my story and that should be enough.

And apparently there's a judge at their court who's done the FP so he's really good to get (fingers crossed)

Having been in your situation, and having fallen for the threats of suicide and financial ruin for many years, in my experience, clever, manipulative men like your husband only carry out threats that harm you, not themselves. I don't think he will quit his job - he won't want to be without money himself or lose his investment in the house by running up costs if it is repossessed and he won't want to damage his professional reputation. I wouldn't put it past him to take sick leave or stop work temporarily or take a lower paying job/less hours to make things difficult for you or to scare you or to reduce your financial settlement but I doubt he would go so far as to completely quit.

Get him to sign that contract ASAP! Once he has a job rather than being self employed, it will be more damaging to him professionally to quit, it proves he has job security and a guaranteed income when you are dealing with the financial settlement and it stops him doing self employed accounting tricks with dividends instead of a salary to hide his earnings and reduce maintenance payments. Make it a condition that he does it right now today if he wants to "try to work things out", if you have to. Manipulate him right back.

I know it seems wrong to lead him on like that. I felt the same when a lawyer told me to move our joint savings into my account. Both he and my therapist said the same thing. I am an honest person who needed the money to put a roof over my head and live, he didn't and if he did I wouldn't withhold the money if he genuinely needed it, I wasn't trying to hide it and it would be taken into account in the final settlement, whereas he is an abusive man who would happily see me on the streets and had threatened to do that if I left. I am a normal, decent person who plays by the rules, he doesn't, and he relies on me sticking to the rules and being fair to let him to get away with it. He was using my conscience to control me when he had none of his own. It's ok to play his own game back at him to protect yourself and your children.

And if he does stop paying the mortgage, don't worry too much. It won't be the first and last time this has happened. It is quite difficult for banks to repossess a home and it takes a long time. I was advised (you should call the government debt adviceline) that this situation is quite common and as long as the house is on the market for a reasonable market price, the bank is unlikely to try and take you to court because the courts would be reluctant to make you homeless so the bank can sell the house when it already up for sale.

You may also be able to negotiate with the bank to just pay the interest on the mortgage in the interim so you don't lose equity by mortgage arrears building up.

Keep your chin up!

Hey The Name as you know I'm no legal eagle but these are questions you can ask of the Sol. next time you see her.

My thoughts though

I believe Non-Mols can be issued very quickly e.g. same day usually (meaning they are 'ex-parte' and for the benefit of one person only (e.g. you) but it does mean there is a second hearing shortly after (within a couple of weeks, I think) where he can 'defend' it as it were. This is just 'fair hearing' process.

No idea what happens if he walks out of his job. If he stays in it, he can be court-ordered to pay the mortgage etc.

Be brave - it's your fears that he uses to control you. He knows that and knows that he doesn't have to carry out his threats or have any intention of doing it.