It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

Found you! KOKO, you've had a setback but you will get there, "if you're going thru hell, keep going"!

Cambridge

Cambridge

Cambridge, my love, have you spoken to Women's Aid? They know all about this and my have some ideas for you?

Just signing in.

You sound muh happier name, that's super.

He threatened suicide? That would be wonderful. All the assets, never needing to deal with visitation.

Of course, not really, but it ain't the threat he thinks

Im so glad you are here and posting Name! You are on my mind and Ive been following your thread and cheering you on! Whether its up days or down days we are all behind you.

Cambridge - lots of advice here, from wonderful people, for you when you are ready.

Oh I know Momagain! I'm not a callous, evil person but I'm not sure I'd shed too many tears if he threw himself off Beachy Head!

Cambridge we're exactly the same lovey, I'm sorry you're going through this too Have you got a solicitor? I thought Slater & Gordon looked really good but they would charge me a grand to look at my case as I'm already with my not so great lawyer. They specialise in abuse though and have offices all over uk. How about police involvement? I am seeing the police at 11am now today so I will come back here and let you know what they say - women's aid I think (don't lynch me!) can be hit or miss depending on who answers the phone - I had some great advice when not living in London and some not so great, ineffectual stuff since moving here.
The idea of setting boundaries within the home with an abuser is ludicrous - the whole reason you want out of the relationship is because they have no respect for your boundaries and the grip just gets tighter as they know you're trying to end it.
It's not just crocodile tears I'm getting - it's crocodile smiles as well. He was really pushing for sex last night and then if not sex then some proper kissing - I avoided it all but it's no fun living like this.
I have a conscience too, so feel guilty that I have 'let him back and he thinks this is us trying again' but through his 'tears' on Friday and the way he kept revving himself up in conversation I knew I was at risk of significant harm if I remained stoic and 'no h it really is over'.

But...we can do this. This is the free world after all!

Thank you everyone

He's sitting with a divorce petition, only got back into the house on a point of law, and is told in black and white that he is dumped; and then he is "pushing for sex"? He is delusional.

If he pesters you for sex he commits (yet another) crime, report him to the police.

What a bottom feeder.

This might not be the place, and I know how hard it is to hear 'I'll kill myself if...', but I just wanted to say that it's very, very rare for someone to announce or threaten to commit suicide and then do it.

Being suicidal is intensely scary for the person going through it - being vocal about it doesn't really happen very often. It's a lot of quiet plotting and planning, and the whole point is that you don't really have a plan B or anywhere to negotiate to. It's not usually to have the energy left for a big announcement.

Like I say, I don't know whether that helps to remember that. I sort of wonder if it can be a part of your shield when talking to these bastards. To switch that 'I'm going to kill myself' in your head to 'I'm having a tantrum!' which is a much more truthful statement and easier to deal with.

Well done for keeping going. Once you are safely away from him any cr*p he spouts about suicide please let him know that carbon monoxide gives the most guaranteed result

He makes my skin crawl on your behalf tbh. You are such a strong woman to stand up to him.

Thanks Boris,marred

Fog thank you, that made a lot of sense and does help actually

So anyway, I'm seeing the police at 11am now and then I'll be back with what they say - I'm just getting my notes together now X

Agreed, not marred Boris!

KOKO Name you have a voice, you can see through him, be very careful now he is getting more controlling. Do NOT feel an iota of guilt you are not leading him on or giving false hope. This is him steamrollering and asserting himself. He thinks you don't have a say. Well he's wrong.

Good luck speaking to the police today.

De-lurking. Good luck Name with the police, looking forward to your update. Hang in there. xx

"I knew I was at risk of significant harm if I remained stoic and 'no h it really is over'."

Please make sure you tell the police this Name!

I will thanks guys feeling a bit nervous!

Signing in as well. Great to see you in a confident and commanding place Name . Keep planning, keep acting, KOKO .

Loads of people here behind you! KOKO

Good luck.

I hope it goes well with the police today. It can be hard to remember things in the moment, so do have your list to hand and if you're finding it hard to talk about things you can just hand the paper over for them to read.

And sorry if this is going be be tough for a moment, but the sex - I know you said you didn't want to dwell on it, or to think about it as rape, and I completely understand that - but just for now, just while you are talking to the police, remember that it is. Sex with coercion - whatever form that coercion takes - is rape. It's a crime. And the police need to know that he does it because it will help them to protect you.

On a more cheerful note, after she left an abusive relationship my DM did end up with 'Greg the Plumber'. And he's lovely. He may not be a millionaire chippendale, but he's kind, and funny, and generous, and cares about making her happy. Once this is over, I really hope you find your Greg.

Desperately trying to catch up but I am so far behind I have given up. Delurking to say I am pleased to "hear" you sounding more positive and I really hope it all goes well with the police. Thinking of you.

Good Lord, a man who is really pushing for sex from someone who has told him she wants him out of her life really has absolutely no sense of her worth whatsoever. Even though he's "only" pushing for and not getting sex, please document it and discuss it with the police and your solicitor, to me it screams, as you have said, of no boundaries.

Wishing you strength, name.

When you're going through hell keep going! Wishing you all the very best of everything and admiring your courage!