It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

I don't understand how you're going to keep going until the non mol can be issued. It sounds like he will be away quite a lot, but how will you get through the convo about him not being an abuser? I'd imagine the pressure on you to agree there's nothing wrong with him and the whole thing was in your head will be intense.

I don't know either Trib. He asked me if I'm on my period or something because I seemed jumpy this morning.

Even rotty was lie, just keep your head down til I see her next week

I can do it, but I feel shaky, anxious, foggy headed (not in a have doubts way, but in a 'he's totally done my head in this morning' way)

Thanks Beyond I will

Thanks losingmyreligion - thanks for the reminder, I definitely am so sure of what I'm doing!

• like not lie

Just checking in name. I totally understand how the crazy-making makes you feel. Awful. Foggy. Confused. Wobbly. But I know you are tough and you just keep to your path - you sound remarkably strong and I do admire you.

I don't think it matters if you lie. Keep lying to keep sane. I know it feels bad and and that you are betraying something of yourself, or that you kinda wanna keep the moral high ground, but be assured that he will use anything and everything to throw at you - you are merely defending and protecting what is precious.

There is nothing you can do - no subterfuge or self-preserving fibs that would ever, EVER make him look good or not abusive. Do you think he would have any scruple whatsoever about lying, swearing, slagging you off, humiliating you, lying to your parents/his parents/your friends/the mayor/your doctor/a judge? No. He will lie and lie and lie again. Have no scruple. Don't feel guilt. This is the man that would have you labelled an alcoholic. He will fight dirty - he has done already. You are protecting yourself and your daughters. Lie with pride. Think of resistance fighters in nazi-occupied France. Think of lies that are vitally important in order for good to triumph. You have to be ruthless to win the fight against his dirty lies and abuse. You have to be your own war hero in this. You may come through weary, battle-scarred and exhausted and sometimes grief-stricken but you will come through and make a good life. He's a turd and you're brilliant.

This secret thing, could this get him sacked from any job due to non-disclosure of it? He does sound bonkers and I am now so curious as to what he's done!!!!!!

So perhaps he is a complete narc. hence not able to see why he isn't an abuser...

That was lovely poppy thank you really wise words and a Great War analogy.

I do feel very weary and shaken today. I felt like this is killing me. More delay, more exposure to all his crazy shit. I just can't believe I have put up with this for so long :( he is a complete loose cannon and has dragged his poor family through the shit repeatedly and keeps doing it.

He was crying at how unfair his problems are this morning. It's very disturbing when he 'cries'. I've learnt not to challenge the tears as fake as I get a mouthful, but it never looks genuine. I don't want him anywhere near me.

Random, no he wouldn't be sacked for it, it's more humiliation if it was discovered. Nothing sleazy, just a crap business idea he had and pushed on with regardless, causing all sorts of problems. He has talked about jumping under a train because of it in the past and he said that again this morning, so you can imagine what I was thinking :)

Its crocodile tears Name they arent real. Im so sorry you are feeling shaken today.

The jumping under a train is a classic threat though, isn't it? Maybe not that particular method but how many weasels have kept a woman in their clutches because they'll kill themselves if she leaves?

T'is part of the script, nothing more.

Hope you feel stronger soon. Oh, and a couple of years ago I had a period that dragged on for 3 weeks, completely out of the blue, no reason for it, it just didn't stop. It's odd how hormones do these random things

Have some and

KOKO, name. There will be many more ups and downs before this is over and you just have to cling on to your sanity and get through it.

Nothing is ever his fault, is it? It's your fault, for not watching the football (was there even football on last night?) Or it's the fault of mysterious forces conspiring against him to prevent him sorting his problem out.

In the past, him not getting paid was your fault for only reminding him 3 times, not 4. (And yet, he always remembers to pay his sister's rent, doesn't he? Or perhaps she reminds him enough times.) You being unhappy at home is your fault for not getting up early every morning and making lists!!! And so on and so forth. He's delusional and he needs to start taking responsibility for his own actions. It's going to be a whole new experience for him.

OP, as well as chronic PMT, you've also got lingering 'Vom 'n Squits', haven't you?

By the way, I'll be happy to send you a some train timetables for your neck of the woods, to pass on to fuckface!

Haha thanks Oldgrandmama

Thanks Mitzie and Adora absolutely!

Well I trudged up to school looking like a sack of shit! Lied to the mum group there and said I was ill so they didn't just assume I'd crawled out of a bin.

H has just phoned, all upbeat and apologetic and mindful that we could both be better, more organised etc. he also said he loves me, doesn't want to lose me and is so grateful that we are ok.

I just want to curl up under my duvet and go to sleep. My poor head! Having made the clear and definite decision that this is over - I can see how staying in this would actually kill me. I don't know whether at my own hands or his, or whether my body would just pack up prematurely but I wouldn't have long anyway

Thank you so much everyone for all your pick me ups

Hi name. Another one here who does not believe that your husband can possibly be as inept as he makes out, please please please do not rely on his ineptitude to keep him from checking up on you, for finding out what you are doing.
Please make sure you keep your cards close to your chest and any documents securely out of his way. Would new solicitor keep them for you?
I feel so uneasy about it all, I don't think for one moment that he has not engaged a solicitor. When does he have to reply to the divorce papers? Just because he hasn't shown his hand regarding the solicitor doesn't mean that he hasn't done anything about it.
Keep safe name x x

He sounds so creepy, he really could be up to anything.

Keep going Name! Hard i know. You'll soon be free of him and we are here to support you. KOKO.

Have been lurking since the beginning of the thread Name.

I really think you need to seriously consider leaving for a refuge - this drip,drip of his is wearing you down and you need to be at the top of your game for when the fur starts to fly. You've had D&V (whether due to a bug or stress), you feel like shit and now you have the 'discussion' re his reading of the Freedom programme to look forward to.

How much longer can it be "just 2 more days", "just one more week" or "wait until Thursday" ?

I know you have great faith in Rotty and your PO, but Please please don't stay another weekend with this man

I so feel for you and totally understand why you want to close down. All that tension build up was released a little bit last week when you had the first official meetings but you're still not at the end of the game. I remember when my mum died and we were waiting to set off for the funeral, I just wanted to curl up in a corner til it was all over.

Sending you strength to persevere and thinking of you and your daughters every day You will get through this.

I think this period in your life is kind of like childbirth. The pain is awful, in your case the pain is emotional. You are going through something that you really do NOT want to be going through but you know there's no other way. You know it's going to end sometime but don't know exactly when. And what keeps you going is knowing at the end of it all you will have something truly wonderful, in this case peace and freedom. And that's what keeps you going, isn't it?

The time is getting closer and closer. You can make it, I know you can. As I've said before on other threads;

"Just remember that when you are standing shoulder deep in horse shit that there's a pony in there somewhere. So just keep digging for that pony!"

Aw thank you everyone - I'm definitely in a bit of a state mentally today.

I've been writing out my 'diary' for rottie. I'm on the 2nd to last page of thread 1 and it's really hard reading it all, good but hard. I've stopped for tonight and have folded it all up into the tampax box!

Dpotter, yes I'm feeling very worn down, and the whole 'how much longer?' thing keeps going round in my head. I won't go to a refuge until I have seen rottie next week though and have been bolstered up with a proper action plan.

Nice analogy Across

Thanks Alice, it's a horrible feeling isn't it?

Thanks Danny, I'm being very careful.

My thoughts are with you name.
Please remember that all the "crying" he does is just childish behaviour and you need to ignore it. Hard I know, but it's the only way. Stand back from it and remember that the next time he speaks to you it is all forgotten and you have been reeling from it for hours!
You have been so strong. Keep going for yourself and your children.

Jumping under a train, eh?

There must be a manual somewhere that they all read. This is almost exactly what my exH told me he was planning to do. (In his case the railway is electrified and he planned to step on the live rail.)

It is a truly horrible feeling to be faced with someone who spouts all this manipulative crap, which is designed to leave you feeling the way you are feeling -- knocked off balance, faced with the impossible, knowing you are dealing with someone completely unreasonable, fearful, and unable to focus on your own plans. It sucks the life out of you.

Displays of crying/emotional breakdown/suicidal comments are all weapons in his arsenal that have the effect of focusing your attention completely on him and taking away all of your power. They are the Bomb, the ultimate control weapon, and the ultimate power play.

And they are also very predictable and widely used. Maybe that can give you some encouragement?

Here's hoping it will have the effect of alienating you even further. I found talk of suicide had that effect on me in the end.

Oh, name, sending you strength.

Thank you for that Mathanxiety, that actually does make me feel a whole lot better

Thanks pedant and Persephone

He's back now so I won't be on too much tonight.

Deep breaths, nearly there

I honestly don't think you need to wait until you've seen Rotty again to seek refuge. I appreciate you don't want to flee the family home but could you at least talk to Rotty tomorrow about options if it gets too much?

Just remember, you're not responsible for maintaining his equilibrium. That is his job.

Will be back to post later Name, but keep reminding yourself, its not you, its him. Its all him, the crazy making, the job thing that could 'ruin' his reputation, the abusive shit that he has been putting you through, its all HIM. You cannot save someone like this, they are drowning in their own shitiness, and if you stick around, they will take you down with them, like a drowning person clings to another swimmer. You are doing the only thing you can - getting out while you can, saving yourself and your DC, as self-preservation has kicked in. This is a fight for survival, yours.

Try your best not to get mentally and emotionally sucked into his bullshit - pretend that what he says is a car driving past you - "Oh look, there goes a red/blue/yellow/green car", and wave each bullshit thing goodbye as it passes you. Another visualisation is to pretend that him or his crap are placed on leaves floating down a stream. In my visualisations, my crappy things/people float down a stream on a leaf..... and over a huge waterfall . Helps me get through my day.

KOKO Name, remember this is another dip in the rollercoaster of the divorce process . Wish I could send you a real to wisk you and the DC out of there