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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

252 replies

weedinthepool · 26/09/2014 08:54

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back Sad there is something wrong with me.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2014 09:03

I'm sorry you've been subjected to such horrendous & abusive treatment. Of course you feel upset and sick now that it's out in the open. Keeping his behaviour secret for so long must have been incredibly damaging to you. Have you heard of 'Post Traumatic Stress Disorder'? It's a common response to surviving trauma and danger. You also sound scared of reprisals.

What you've done is be extremely brave in telling someone else. But you need support now. Where are you and the DCs? Where is your husband? Who is looking after you? And have you sought medical or other professional advice?

When you say 'H is going out of his mind' what does that mean? Abusive men are often very dangerous at the point when their victim is going to leave and you should not hesitate to call the police DV team (dial 101) if you feel in any way under threat.

glenthebattleostrich · 26/09/2014 09:04

You have taken the first step sweetheart.

Please call women's aid. They will be able to help and support you.

I'm sure more knowledgeable posters will be along soon.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2014 09:05

Sorry... should have read more closely. If you're with your parents that's a great start. Womens Aid would also like to talk to you 0808 2000 247. They are very good with advice for women escaping abusive relationships.

Stay safe.

glenthebattleostrich · 26/09/2014 09:06

Cross posted with the wonderful cogito.

Good luck and well done

KateeGee · 26/09/2014 09:08

Please don't go back. You need to protect yourself and your children. You will get support, far more knowledgeable people here than me will tell you how.

What did your mum say when you told her what has been happening?

sus14 · 26/09/2014 09:11

Tell women's aid about the recent attack , it may be possible for you to get an occupation order, but it normally has to be within 10 days of an attack, so you need to act very fast. You may find it easier if you can get back (safely) in the house. I think you should talk to the police- the point at which I did this was when I was able to accept more that it was abuse and there was no going back, they were very good with me, and it will mean you should be able to access legal aid should you wish to divorce in the near future. What you have been through is horrendous and you need to give yourself time to recognise this - take practical steps first and then let your spaghetti head unravel slowly?

DeputyPecksBentBeak · 26/09/2014 09:11

I have few words of wisdom, but you are absolutely doing the right thing. There is nothing wrong with you, it's all you've known for the past nine years and though it has been horrendous for you, as humans we find it easier to stick with what we know. I'm sure from the sound of it your H has also manipulated you and convinced you you can't cope without him.

You absolutely can. The moment you decided to leave was the moment you made your life exponentially better (even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment). And remember, you made that change, that positive step for you and your dc's. You can do this Thanks

PurpleWithRed · 26/09/2014 09:13

Stay with your mum; you've done exactly the right thing for your DCs as well as for yourself. Talk to Women's Aid and to your mum and RL friends.

Quitelikely · 26/09/2014 09:14

You're amazing. Stay strong. Yes he's going out of his mind because your out of his control.

Wow well done for find the courage. Stay strong, stay hopeful, your dc will be much happier and so will you. You will need time to adjust to not been controlled or scared anymore but it will be great for you to live your life finally free of the chains.

Try not to panic. Please don't go back. You deserve much much more.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 26/09/2014 09:14

Do you really think he has been abusive with such little amount of information I've given you? Part of me is thinking yesterday I just lost it. Melodramatic etc.

My mum & dad immediately went to my house, got the kids mattresses and lots of clothes and gave me no choice but to stay here. H turned up at 10pm & the dc's got obviously distressed and he was white, in shock and keeps saying he doesn't understand why this us happening. It feels like I've just made 5 people miserable because I couldn't keep my stupid mouth shut.

It's not normal to treat your wife like that. I know that. But I feel responsible. I can't seem to get my thoughts in order.

OP posts:
Original poster
weedinthepool · 26/09/2014 09:19

H is pushing me to meet him this afternoon to discuss things and see DD. He is being so reasonable. My dad does not want him here so I've suggested meeting in public. He is pushing to pick me up in the car but I think its safer to meet in public. Does that sound right?

OP posts:
textingdisaster · 26/09/2014 09:20

Rape and biting someone are definitely abusive, let alone everything else that he has done to you Sad.

Without a shadow of a doubt he is abusive. Please do not doubt yourself. Re-read your first post where you said that
H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive.

textingdisaster · 26/09/2014 09:22

Absolutely do not meet him in the car. I would say do not meet him at all. You do not owe him anything. Womens Aid can advise on how best to proceed where there has been violence / abuse.

llamasinpyjamas · 26/09/2014 09:22

You are absolutely not to blame. You think you are because he has slowly and subtly conditioned you to think that all the bad things that happen to you in life are your fault. I would imagine that he is also very skilled at making you feel guilty and responsibole for his bad behaviour in a kind of 'well you made me so angry I had to do that, it wasn't my fault' kind of way?

He sounds like a very adept emotional abuser who has taken advantage of your vulnerability and gradually eroded your self-esteem to the point where you feel you should put up with anything in order to maintain the status quo for everyone else's benefit. Please get some counselling for yourself when you can (your GP can refer you, and Women's aid may well have access to free counselling in your area)

You have done an amazingly strong and courageous thing for you and your children. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life and you are in the driving seat now. If you feel your resolve crumbling, that's normal as he's conditioned you to feel fear, guilt and dependency. In a quiet moment try to write down everything he has done/said and how it's made you feel. Use that as a resource whenever you feel you are wavering in your decision. Good luck xx

BiggestPotato · 26/09/2014 09:23

No. It is too soon. The reasonableness is just cover. When he has you by himself, even when in a public space, the mask will slip and you may be in great danger. Talk to 101 and woman's aid about how to keep yourself safe and suggestions for him seeing the DC safely.

KateeGee · 26/09/2014 09:23

I'm glad your parents are fully supportive.

Your husband is not being reasonable, he is just manipulating you by pretending to be reasonable.

GoldfishCrackers · 26/09/2014 09:24

Oh love that's an awful thing for you to go through.
He has very obviously abused you and is a dangerous abuser. That is clear. If a man in the street raped you and bit you so hard it bled, would you be overreacting? You'd quite rightly get far away from him, taking your children, and phone the police. The fact that the man that did these things to you is actually your husband and is meant to love you makes this even more, not less, shocking.
I can understand why you think you're overreacting. He's made you think that you're melodramatic so that he can get away with worse and worse abuse. Handy for him. But you need to find some way to break through to the truth. How would you feel if someone did that to one of your DC? Afford yourself the same care and concern.
I agree with PP about calling WA. (And would add the police.)

questions2008 · 26/09/2014 09:25

weed you've been so strong to get out, and listen to your parents who want to keep you safe, there's a reason your dad doesn't want him in the house. Don't meet with, tell him that you need some space, doesn't matter how hard he pushes, he doesn't have to get everything he wants. YOU and the kids are what's important now, he can wait.

StoneTheFlamingCrows · 26/09/2014 09:26

Do not meet him. He will try and persuade you or even physically force you to go back.

Involve the police and women's aid and only let him see the kids through a formal supervised access arrangement. You have nothing to talk to him about.

Your parents sound wonderful and you are wonderful and brave it have confided in them. Please let them help you get away from him.

How would you feel if someone raped and bit your dd like some kind of animal?! Let them protect you from him. He is dangerous.

GoldfishCrackers · 26/09/2014 09:27

X-post. Do not get in a car with him. In fact do not meet him at all. If he has anything to say tell him he my email you. Gt your dad to do this if you have to. This is statistically the most dangerous time for you, and you must not take risks. He may say that he has a right to see the DC. I would get WA/police advice on this.

MindReader · 26/09/2014 09:39

Don't get in the car with him - in fact, don't meet him at ALL.

Your children need you.
You must keep yourself safe from harm, worry, exhaustion -
all these things will increase if you meet him again.

Get Police and WA involved.
They will help you to keep seeing the reality of the first line of your first post:
"H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me."

NO - the childhood abuse WAS NOT your fault.
Your H is simply carrying it on because he knows your boundaries have been damaged as a child. NOT YOUR FAULT.

You are brave (VERY!) and strong even if you don't feel it right now.
You have taken an amazing step for you and your children.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/09/2014 09:41

"Do you really think he has been abusive with such little amount of information I've given you? "

Having sex with you against your will and biting you so that you bleed would be regarded by the police as a vicious rape and actual bodily harm. It would be taken extremely seriously and probably result in a criminal prosecution. That's how dangerous this man is

Please do not meet with him, converse with him and certainly don't get in a car with him. You are now free and you are not obliged to contact him until you are good and ready and with the right legal and physical protection in place.

You have not made 5 people miserable. You have saved yourself and 3 children. He may be miserable but that's because he realises he is looking at a stretch in prison as a result of his behaviour.

He is dangerous.

Quitelikely · 26/09/2014 09:45

He raped you. And assaulted you. Please please phone the police. He's a rapist.

I know he's nice to you some if the time but what's important here is that a lot of the time he is abusive and has violated you.

Do your parents know he raped you? If not please tell them. Please please don't meet him.

Quitelikely · 26/09/2014 09:47

Do not protect him any longer. He is a dangerous man. He does not love you. Real love is not anything like you have described. Scared to use petrol? It's all a muddle to you right now but please don't fold. Please stay strong.

I know you can. You have came this far.

bonzo77 · 26/09/2014 09:49

Don't meet him. At best he will manipulate you into coming back for more abuse. At worst he'll kill you. Go to the police. You need the bite photographing and maybe taking a mould of. This will be evidence when he is prosecuted for what he has done to you. Your babies are at risk if serious harm too.