After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

[weedinthepool]

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back there is something wrong with me.

Glad you're seeing some chinks of light OP :)

I'm in awe of how brave you are. Hope you all slept well.

I slept!!! Hurray!!!

I might be able to make simple decisions today like do I want coffee or tea!

I have told H's SIL (hus brothers wife)too as she contacted me asking what has happened. I think she'll have an inkling as she witnessed an incident where DH was physically abusive at the very start of our relationship. Her mum was abused too by her dad so I'm hoping she's empathetic. I'm terrified of what H is going to say though!

My family have been AMAZING! They have supported me beyond my wildest expectations. My brother, BIL & parents have been so so helpful, emotionally & practically. I have pushed them away for so so long & they have just helped unconditionally.

I think I have been mentally & practically preparing for this separation for 7 years. H first hit me, resulting in a black eye, whilst I was newly pg with DS2. I think from the moment he went crazy about me buying a short denim skirt, 6 months in, which I quickly said was for my sister, I have been preparing for this time. Maybe that is why I'm starting to see chinks of light so quickly. Thank you all. The support on this board is invaluable. The government should pay you for helping people to survuve. Each & everyone of you. Xxx

So glad you're sounding so strong and determined, and HUGE respect to your family, what a wonderful support network for you hope you have a good day today x

It's so good to see you sounding so much brighter and more positive.

You are doing exactly the right thing in telling people. And i suspect they won't be surprised.

Oh you are a different person today! In a week you will conquer the world!

The more people you tell, the more help and support you will have at your fingertips.

Be prepared though. He will not stay in his box, and will try all the tactics he can muster to get back in charge. Promises, threats, guilt trips. Remember every time, none of it is real - he will be pretending.

My family have been AMAZING! They have supported me beyond my wildest expectations. My brother, BIL & parents have been so so helpful, emotionally & practically. I have pushed them away for so so long & they have just helped unconditionally

That's brilliant news. Keep strong, even on the days when you don't feel it or when it seems like you're caught in a web you can't escape from. You're free now, all the rest is just red tape.

Please do not go back. You only think u want to because he has trained u to feel his emotions insteadof your own. If u go back his anger might die down for a short short while. It is that fake calm that you think u need to get back to now. The carrot u've been trained to wamt.

Plwase please dont go back.

Well done. Just adding my voice. You're so brave. I've been there. Don't go back.

Ps, just another reassurance that there will definitely come a time when he doesnt control u and u dont care what he thinks!

Report the bite. I know it will anragonise him but dont take his calls. Press reject.

I just wanted to add my support to you, Weed.
Be proud of yourself, you have achieved so much in such a short time.
Be proud that you have saved your children from a life of fear,of unhappiness, of walking on eggshells,wondering when their father is going to hurt their lovely Mum again, wondering if they will be next,being scared of being themselves in case it sets him off.
Be so,so proud of yourself, that you are strong, intelligent, brave and a good person.
I grew up in an abusive home, my siblings and I all carry the effects, we all left home before we were 18.
I love my Mum, but I wish she had had your strength.
So be proud.

Oh no. H has just phoned distraught. Now I can't get hold if him. He said he has nothing.

I don't know what to do. Should I phone his mum? I'm worried. I've never ever thought he would hurt himself but he sounds desperate

No weed. This is him trying to blackmail you. Don't fall for it. He is where he is today because of the way he has treat you.

Do not feel sorry for him. He sounds like a right bastard, nasty and controlling too. I guarantee he will not kill himself. He is too much of a coward for that. He is trying to reel you back in.

Stay strong.

It's a classic tactic, one designed to manipulate and control you. If you genuinely think he means to harm himself call the police. Don't let him guilt you, you have done so well and come so far xx

weed - don't do anything. he's trying to rope you back in. change your phone number and make him put all communications in writing.

I felt so much more positive & now I'm a worried mess. I can not believe he would let me think something is wrong or he's come to some harm. I'm so angry with him but I can't leave it. I need to know he is OK.

Weed, do nothing. As said upthread, this is the start. He will try any and every tactic to get you back under his control. Do not respond.

This will go on for a while, he will threaten you, beguile you, guilt-trip you, everything. This is just a part of it.

Lots of texts etc, when you have asked him to leave you alone is harrassment. Talk to your brother about it.

oh dear. what's the least-personal way? inform his sister, maybe?
text him, tell him in future to text or email. keep copies.

Please don't contact his family
family. He is doing this to reassure himself that he still has a hold on you. This is just another of his last ditch manipulative efforts. He can shove right off. Seriously, please, please don't fall for this rubbish...he's not your responsibility.

I understand that, but this is the man who has abused you for years, of course he'd pull something to mess with your emotions further. Call the police if you genuinely think he's a danger to himself, stay strong you are worth so much more x

He's reeling you back in. Of course he's ok! Please don't worry about him. He hasn't worried about abusing you for years on end

I do agree that if he has threatened to harm himself then call the police and let them deal with it. If you do that he will see that you're not going to come running.

Please tell your lovely family that he has threatened to harm himself too. They will help you see what's happening here

Weed, they ALL do that ... he's just trying to get you under his control again. Call the Police and tell them, leave them to it. And yes, keep your family informed of what's going on. So far, he's following 'The Script' to the letter! Don't fall for it.

He's doing it to reel you in. Don't chase.

If he has threatened to harm himself or other people, call the police and let them deal with it. In fact, call the police anyway to log it.

Do not engage with him. You CAN leave him be- and for the sake of your children and your own sanity, you have to let him be.

He is distraught because he knows what he's done wrong and how much trouble he's in. He is trying to guilt you into getting him off the hook.

How are you Weed?