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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

252 replies

weedinthepool · 26/09/2014 08:54

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back Sad there is something wrong with me.

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/10/2014 14:31

I read Wots post and while the subject appears hard hitting, it's right to be shocked at how someone who should know didn't see it for herself.

I've seen a few posts from women in DV situations over the years where they had professional qualifications/experience in the field but were shocked to see that they too had fallen victim to an abuser.

abusers really are very good at what they do to acquire their victims. It's THAT subtle to begin with, relentless and just under the radar enough to keep going.

then when they get their feet under the table, or the victim trapped (married/PG/Kids/out of work) that's when they flare up and the real them comes to the fore.

captainmummy · 01/10/2014 14:58

I don't think Wot's post was harsh. I think OP does/did need her eyes opening.

The dc are the most important thing here - and the situation comes down to him - or them. If (as she should, and is) she chooses them, then she has to take up their suggestions and run with them. Get him out, keep him out.

Choose him, let him back in, and she runs the risk of losing them. It's as simple as that, and should help OP focus on keeping him out - which she is doing. I hope it also helps to remove the guilt she is feeling re him, as it has not been enforced to her just how abusive, how abnormal their marriage was.

captainmummy · 01/10/2014 15:00

now been enforced, not not

completely changes the meaning...oops

Original poster
weedinthepool · 01/10/2014 15:26

In no uncertain terms am I letting him back in. I suppose I am 'lucky' that I know the CSC safeguarding manager & the DV officer because between them today I have very quickly understood the choice: if I continue keeping myself & dc's safe & not letting him in the house the initial assessment / referral to social care will be NFA. If I ever got back with him it would go to core assessment, strategy meeting & potentially the dc's would be put on a plan.

My children and their safety are my priority so I will follow anything I am told. Perhaps in the long term I will be able to look at how & why it got this far. At the moment though I have to focus on the dc's & one day at a time.

I don't think any of you are being harsh. It's a horrible, confusing, embarrassing, horror story & from the outside it seems ridiculous that it got this far given my professional life. But it has & I'm living it unfortunately. Now I have to change it.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 01/10/2014 16:07

Well done op. How are you going to keep him away -as he completely oversteps your boundaries?

TeenyfTroon · 01/10/2014 19:01

Weed, I'm glad you've been been given a stark choice. I think it will keep you and your children safe and out of his clutches. Even if you waver, you just can't go back now. Worry about the whys and wherefores later. One day you'll be able to help others from a much stronger perspective than you have up to now. Just keep plodding on for now.

And be proud of yourself.

Jux · 01/10/2014 22:46

Weed, it is good news for all the reasons people have already given. There is no way he'll be able to reel you in again, as you know that your children would then become hostages to fortune.

You are doing really well; congratulations Thanks

Sister77 · 02/10/2014 07:36

Late to the post but just wanted to say well done OP! Stay strong x

Joywillcome · 02/10/2014 18:36

Please please listen to every comment on here (and advice from people who have been through similar).

Every post tells you it is abuse and you must NOT meet him.

We can't all be wrong can we? We can see what you have been conditioned not to see by your H.

Please please take the advice. If he took it to the next stage and killed you - what would happen to your children? You and your children will/can be safe with a new better life.

You are doing great. Believe in yourself, people on here will support you - but you must talk to WA and the police for your own protection - because after 9 years of this abuse you wont be seeing things as clearly - because he has conditioned you.

Big hug.

Joywillcome · 02/10/2014 18:37

Whoops sorry - didn't see the other messages (only saw the first page)

cees · 02/10/2014 21:15

My God weed I am so stunned shocked at what you have been through, I am so sorry you were treated this way. You are doing the best thing for your children, stay strong.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 04/10/2014 12:50

Still staying strong. Although going out last night with a friend was a bad idea. Too much wine & talking through what happened has left me feeling bereft today. I'm starting to get so angry with H.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 04/10/2014 13:17

Angry is good, it will help keep you focused on doing what needs to be done.

You will begin to really realize that you are not "doing this to him", you haven't wrecked his marriage and family, you haven't risked him getting a custodial sentence and criminal record, you haven't damaged your DCs, you haven't upset his parents, you haven't caused him to have move out. He did all of those things.

You are picking up the pieces and putting them back together as they should be, rather than as they were. Which was broken. What you are dong is repairing your family and you've realized there is no space for a person like him it.

And keep seeing friends, you need your own outlet for frustrations in this.

Thanks
nickelbabe · 04/10/2014 18:58

even though you feel a bit miserable about yourself hving met your friend last night, you'll realise that it was really cathrtic getting it outi n the open.
and you feel angry that's fantastic!!

Original poster
weedinthepool · 04/10/2014 22:25

Thanks. I keep doing little shows of strength. Like tonight he dropped off one of the dc's coats. He started telling me how he hasn't got a key for his sister's house & she wasn't answering her phone or responding to his texts. I know he wanted me to say 'just stay here' but I didn't. I made him go.

adora your second & third paragraphs are so resonant. I'm going to copy & paste them onto my phone & read them every morning. I suppose I'll use it a bit like CBT, fake it until I make it kind if thing. One day I really hope the guilt lessens.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 04/10/2014 22:59

I agree that anger is good. You have done nothing wrong. He has. He abused you. You stuck it as long as you could hoping he would change. But he won't. He is who he is. And you can not and should not stay. For you. And as Importantly for your DCs.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 20/02/2015 22:38

Hello all!

Just thought I would do an update as there is a similar thread on here at the moment & it's brought it back a bit.

I'm still out, have my own house, the dc's are doing great Grin I am no longer scared of being assaulted or feel unsafe in my bed at night. AND IT IS BRILLIANT!

I've had a wobble or two but this last month has been a bit of a breakthrough and I actually look at H and pity the sad anxious isolated world he has. It was tough going but I am coming through the other side now and getting really strong. I can never imagine being in a relationship ever again but that doesn't make me sad, more relieved! Thank you all so so much for the handhold & support you all gave me Flowers to each & everyone of you.

A happy strong weed Smile

OP posts:
YvyB · 20/02/2015 22:55

Well done Weed! I'm so, so impressed and pleased for you. You can't put a price on safety and peace of mind. Your dcs will thank you for ever for getting them out. Happy 2015!

Mom2K · 20/02/2015 23:32

weed be proud of yourself hun...you got rid of your H & are protecting your children. You are being very brave and strong in this scary, upsetting situation.

You have 100% handled this situation in the way it should be handled Flowers

Mom2K · 20/02/2015 23:33

oops - sorry, didn't realize this thread was from October. Congratulations on the update! I am so happy to hear you and the children are well and that you are in a great place :D

Clemfandangogogo · 21/02/2015 07:37

Weed! You are amazing. I'm so happy to hear that you are well and happy and living your life!! You're superwoman! I wish you and your family all the best.

Hanith · 21/02/2015 08:43

Lovely update, all the best for a brilliant future Flowers

Lweji · 21/02/2015 08:54

I wasn't on this thread, but well done. :)

It's great to know when someone gets out and stays out. Wishing you an even happier future.

flatbellyfella · 21/02/2015 14:30

Good to read your nightmare is over, & you feel safe in your bed at night.Flowers

AnyFucker · 21/02/2015 14:42

excellent Thanks