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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

252 replies

weedinthepool · 26/09/2014 08:54

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back Sad there is something wrong with me.

OP posts:
Earsareconstantlyringing · 27/09/2014 15:35

Oh weed, sweetheart, what a horrific experience you've been through. I have nothing to say that hasn't already been suggested by other MNers, but I just wanted to say how amazingly you're doing.

You are NOT breaking up a family unit. You are finding the courage to protect your innocent children and potentially save your own life. This man has beaten, raped and injured you time and time again and he will not stop. As the children get older and challenge him more, he's likely to snap and hurt them just as he has you.

You, their fantastic, brave mother, are choosing not to accept this as a life for them. Or for you. You all deserve so much more and, listening the heartbreaking stories of other posters, you're going to give them the happy childhoods they would be denied if you stayed.

Stay strong. Rely on the support of your family, who sound wonderful. Noone in your line of work will judge you. You know how easy it is for people to end up situations like these, and nobody will think less of you for suffering in the way you have. Expose him for what he is and you'll undoubtedly be amazed at the support that comes your way.

Keep focussed on a future without him - you've made the biggest step. Be proud of yourself and don't ever doubt your reasoning.

xxx

Quitelikely · 27/09/2014 15:37

A lovely post ears

tipsytrifle · 27/09/2014 15:37

Excellent that you're feeling a bit better. Exhaustion is a downer for sure. And it seems that after a sleep, you are now starting to kick ass! Yayyy, go you!

nickelbabe · 27/09/2014 15:48

when you say you're going home, gas he lleft or will he still be there until you get the occupation order?
I don't think you should go back until he's gone.

(apologies if I've missed you say he's gone)

Sandthorn · 27/09/2014 16:30

Just whizzed through the thread, OP, and the way you've been abused makes me feel so sick. Sad The saddest bit is how he's got you tying yourself in knots to take the guilt off him.

I understand you find it difficult to think in terms of rape (I spent years in that particular mental knot), but there's really no other word for it. He didn't have sex with you, because you weren't with him. Doesn't matter how he forced you - physically, psychologically, chemically! - he did rape you, and when you can recognise that, you can start to feel the outrage it warrants.

Deal with this situation on your terms, with the support of your family. (Your mum and BIL sound fantastic, by the way). If you're not ready to talk to people in work, ok, but I suspect you're doing them a disservice to think they'll think any the worse of you for having been unlucky enough to have found yourself in this situation. There, but for the grace of god, goes any one of us! I do wish you would consider reporting the recent attack to the police, though. It would enable much greater protections for you and the kids as you extricate yourself from the marriage.

captainmummy · 27/09/2014 16:45

Sandthorn -spot on.

It was more forceful coercion of sex by pinning me down. = Rape
It was more forceful coercion of sex by pinning me down. = Rape
It was more forceful coercion of sex by pinning me down. = Rape

However you try to defend it, it was rape.

I'm glad you can go back - i hope he doesnt think he can come back after his week at his sisters! And I hope you do tell her everything.

Just remember - you are not breaking up the family unit. Your new family unit is you and your dc. And you are keeping them together and safe.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 27/09/2014 16:48

H is going to his sisters house. I am just going to message her now. There is NO CHANCE I will go back there if he is there and I have made that very clear. I am about to phone 101 & tell them ^ plan on advice from BIL. Therefore they can get local police to come out if he turns up. He won't though, when it comes to confronting other people he us spineless. He knows my brother will be there.

I have a missed call from his mum so I'm not sure what she knows so I'm not going to engage with her.

I am keeping a store of clothes at my mum & dads and I am going to buy a sofa bed from Argos so if I need to I can bolt.

Breathe, calm, breathe, calm.

ears thank you for such kind kind words. You have made me cry & you are so spot on.

OP posts:
Adarajames · 27/09/2014 17:14

Just read you're thread, you poor poor thing, what an awful evil bastard he is, I'm so pleased you've found the strength to rescue yourself and your kids from a terrible situation, and I hope soon you'll recognise how amazing and strong you have and are continuing to be x

jessym · 27/09/2014 17:31

Sorry to be so repetitious of what others have said, but you really, really should go to the police and have this pathetic, disgusting coward prosecuted. In the short term, you should consider applying for a court injunction to keep him away from you, your children and your home.

When he is in prison where he belongs, you will be properly safe and your children will be properly safe.

CiderwithBuda · 27/09/2014 17:40

Your plan sounds good and i am very glad your brother will stay with you.

And yes I would tell his sister everything. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of. YOU did nothing wrong.

sykadelic · 27/09/2014 17:53

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through.

Have you heard back from his sister at all? Or spoken to his family?

The best thing, in my opinion, is to stop keeping his secrets. I know they feel like yours too but he's the one who has done this. HE is the bad guy in all of this. People who don't believe you or side with him or make you feel like any of this is your fault should be cut off immediately. It is NOT your fault.

Only if they've been there and have experienced the control do other people understand how it doesn't start off that way. It's easy to say "well if he ever does X to me I'll leave/report..." but it's rarely a sudden change. It's so gradual you don't even see it coming. You start telling yourself that he wasn't angry before and now he is "because I..." and that's how they do it.

You've closed your mind off to everything he's done. You've spent so long trying to find an excuse for it. Pushing it to the back of your mind and letting it drop because he told you to and life is easier that way. Putting on a happy face for the kids and trying to protect them from this.

Just like your family, your kids will know, in their own way, that something wasn't right. Now, you are being strong. You know you deserve better and they deserve better. Only if you fully report everything, be transparent, will you finally have the strength to stay away.

You need to burn that return bridge to him. You need to tell so many people about this that there is no going back.

Always remember that HE has done this to himself. HE has caused this upset to your children, his family and everyone else. You have simply stopped protecting HIM from his own behaviour.

Inertia · 27/09/2014 17:58

You are doing absolutely the right thing.

Your family sound enormously supportive, they have clearly seen what is happening, and they want to help you and protect the children. Please allow them to support you through this.

Your work colleagues will not judge you for being in that position , realising how dangerous it is, and getting yourself and the children out. You would be judged if you returned the children to a domestic violence situation in an attempt to cover it up. This violent rapist has been banking on you feeling the need to pretend it's not really happening.

And the reason he went white and pleaded with you isn't because he's sorry, nor because he wants to make a go of settled family life. It's because he knows full well that he has committed a number of very serious criminal offences and could easily go to jail. It's generous of you to think he's trying to protect his parents - he isn't , he's trying to protect his own arse.

Stay strong, and let your family help you and your children stay safe.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 27/09/2014 18:55

We are back at home. Much easier than I thought, my brother is getting a Chinese to see if I can eat.

I'm starting to see chinks of light. He left the house in a tip but I've got it back together. The dc's are so much better. Dd is actually playing & singing as I write, the washer is on & I'm getting a TAKEAWAY on a sat night!!!! We haven't been allowed one for ages because of the money.

I haven't heard back from his sister. I will be telling people that he has been physically abusive. I can't at the moment because it makes me feel so sick.

OP posts:
chinam · 27/09/2014 19:00

The level of abuse you have been through is appalling. Well done for breaking the cycle. You and your children will be so much better off in the long run. Take care.

nickelbabe · 27/09/2014 20:46

sleep well tonight xxx

Original poster
weedinthepool · 27/09/2014 21:07

Right off to bed. Today seems like I'm closing a chapter on a horrible decade of my life. H has asked if he could see the dc's tomorrow and I said no. A little later he said is that a definite no about tomorrow? I said yes it is a definite no, they are staying with me tomorrow.

I know that sounds like a tiny conversation but to me it is momentous. I have never put my foot down & said what I want & have it happen. It feels so weird to be making decisions without deferring to his opinion.

OP posts:
SecretSix · 27/09/2014 21:10

Well done, it's a big step for you.

Sleep well in safety, thinking of you x

Sandthorn · 27/09/2014 21:24

Keep safe and strong, OP. You'll find life's good on the other side. X

AdoraBell · 27/09/2014 21:30

Really well done, see how strong you are?

Hope you've enjoyed the Chinese and that you all manage to sleep.

((((hugs))))

AdoraBell · 27/09/2014 21:38

Another thing, being the person who trains the proffessionals who deal these cases is a positive thing.

It can be a teaching tool for them. They will be able to use it to help convince other women in abusive relationships that they are not there because of a lack of intelegence or education, ie not their fault.

LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight · 27/09/2014 21:50

Keep strong you can do it

GoldfishCrackers · 27/09/2014 21:52

Weeds I'm so glad you're feeling much stronger. Yay for you standing up to him about seeing the DC tomorrow! In my imagination I'm punching the air and running round the room with my T-shirt over my head Smile

tipsytrifle · 27/09/2014 22:15

i am so proud of you, weed .. i sense how big a thing saying "no" was ... you soooo made me smile when you did that ... keep doing that ... become Queen of The No Flowers

Jux · 27/09/2014 22:42

Weeds! Already you are sounding stronger and more sure of yourself! And it's been how long?! Grin

Aren't your family fantastic?

I think you will need something like a non-molestation order to keep him away from you, as you are now back in the house. Please check it out.

Think carefully about what you do report to the police. The more you can get officially noted now, the easier it is going to make things for you in the future. I know the rapes are difficult for you to think about, let alone tell anyone about, but they will almost certainly ensure that if he is allowed to see the children, that it will be under supervision. With someone as volatile and violent as he is, as abusive and just plain nasty, the less direct contact he has with the children the better, and supervised at a Contact Centre would really be best for them.

Enjoy your Chinese! There's nothing quite like a meal you haven't cooked yourself, or which doesn't generate piles of washing up!

Sleep well, tonight. Thanks

Adarajames · 27/09/2014 23:45

Go you! Fantastic strong woman that you are, you rocked that big scary word No, huge step and it took it with dignity! I say again go you!! Sleep well and wake with strength and resilience x