After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

[weedinthepool]

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back there is something wrong with me.

Oh sweetheart, it's so hard to read your words. I hope your parents are wrapping you up and keeping you safe.

You want to go back because you're terrified and you think that if you give him what he wants he will be nice to you.

He absolutely will not be nice to you. He has raped you and physically assaulted you in the most vile and vicious way. He is an extremely dangerous man and you should stay away from him at all costs.

It would be good if you could call the police, but if you can't that's ok. Just know that they will take you very seriously and they will protect you.

I'm going to meet him at a playcentre but my BIL is coming with me, he's a policeman. He's going to make it clear to him that what he did was a crime and that to safeguard my children I can not return them to a domestic abuse situation. Laughingly I work for children's social care so H knows I know the ins & outs. I am going to ask him to go to his mums on Sunday and me & the dc's will return home. BIL us going to dead bolt all the doors & get a button alarm fitted. The domestic abuse champion from work also knows & has been supporting me & she has been fab.

She has just sent me a message saying stay strong & that I deserve to be happy. I really hope I can take her excellent advice. Thank you all so much for holding my hand. Now others are involved it feels like my resolve has hardened. I am so grateful I have this support.

That is a great plan, well done.

It is very hard but come hell or high water you absolutely must not be alone with him again, ever. I know that sounds extreme but seriously, if you are ever alone with him you will be in real danger. He is not to be trusted, at all.

So sorry to hear this.

Listen to your Dad. He's being objective while you are shocked and confused

You don't have to answer this but are your parents aware of the CSA

Go NC on your husband until you are calmer and not so hurt and distressed.

Women's Aid and the police...a must.

Domestic abuse is UNFORGIVEABLE in any shape or form.

Big hugs to you. When your kids grow up they will be so glad you had the courage to leave this abusive man.

And right now. He's scared. He's a bully who has overstepped the mark and is frightened for the consequences.

He will be thinking he's going to jail for what he's done so he's mounting a charm offensive.

See between the lines. There's not a jot of love for you there he's trying to save his sorry ass.

Beast!
.

Congratulations OP.

Yes my parents know about the sexual abuse in childhood. It was a family member who was the perpetrator & unfortunately he abused a non family member who my mum looked after so it all came out then.

My brother has taken DD out and DS1&2 are at school so I have had an hour to chat to my dad. He's off work recovering from an op, he has just said that anyone who knows me well will not be shocked that I have left, they will be surprised I have lasted this long. It's like the scales are falling from my eyes. I thought I had covered it all up so well. The truth will out.

The dc's are under 11, youngest is 3. Do you all think that they are young enough to get on with life and be happier without this situation impacting too much? So worried about them. I love them so much. If they weren't here I wouldn't be. They deserve to have a happy childhood where they are allowed to see extended family, go on holiday, have winter coats etc don't they?

'Breathes a sigh of relief'!

Thank goodness.

You've shown tremendous courage in leaving. Well done. Don't doubt yourself for a moment

Don't ever think about giving this beast a second chance.

The hate and resentment these kind of men give them wings!

Think Red Bully!

Oh, what a relief - sounds like you're receiving excellent support and help. I can only reiterate what others have said - DO NOT be alone with him, and NEVER get in a car with him - I'm not being over dramatic - he could kill you. He's extremely dangerous. Do please get the wound on your shoulder photographed, as soon as you can. Whether you report his vile attack and the rape to the Police is up to you - I certainly would.

Please keep posting here - a lot of very concerned MNs rooting for you.

Yes op they deserve to see their extended family and so do you. You are doing the right thing. Don't give up.

Have you decided if you should call the police or not regarding the assault?

It might start to feel a bit more right if you reported this bottom-feeder to the police. It is no more than he deserves. Scum.

That is a FANTASTIC plan!
Good news, OP, well done.x

Oh bless you OP.
You've done a wonderful thing for your children.
The older children may have been affected over the years watching their mother being abused. It's also child abuse. You could have a chat with the schools and let them know the situation. They often have counsellors that visit schools for children who have been in this exact situation.
You could get it nipped in the bud. Get any help on offer for your children.
You could also involve social services. They can help you as well.
It will be the best thing to do if you want to keep this vile abuser away from your children.
Deep breaths. One hour at a time for now.

Please try to look after yourself now. Eat and drink. Like I always say in threads where a relationship is breaking down, if you can't keep solids down then just have liquids. Sugary tea, ice lollies and soups will be your friends for a while.

Make sure everyone knows the extent of what this hateful man has done to you. That way they can help to protect you from him.

If you haven't already, as already suggested, please do call 101 and ask for the DV team. Get the abuse logged. All of it. You don't have to press charges but it will help you in the future to make sure it's on record.

Contact womens aid. Get their help and support in staying away safely.
You should also be entitled to legal aid if you do these things which will mean you can divorce without having to pay the costs.

Well done you brave brave lady. You've taken the 1st steps.

It's gonna be a long hard road but you and your DC will be so much more happy and stable very soon!

It's a huge relief that you have escaped such a horrific environment. Your last few posts sound stronger, more gutsy and sure of your actions. Your family sound amazing!

If you wobble at all then come here to do it. I would have preferred you not to see H again. Ever. But I know that's unrealistic. However, he is an abuser and you really should be allowing that this marriage is utterly Over.

Children growing in a violent household, no matter how well you try to hide it, well, they just "know". Violence, which is what has been done to you, as well as the rest, leaves a taste in the air for everyone. Not to mention that abusers like to spread their net sooner or later.

He says he has no idea why this is happening? Yeah, right ...

Very well done weed - you have taken the first step and that is always the hardest.

You will feel wobbly and wonder if you have done the right thing, but listen to all of us, you have done exactly the right thing, and we are all right behind you.

xxx

You have done the right thing in getting away.

"Do you really think he has been abusive with such little amount of information I've given you? Part of me is thinking yesterday I just lost it. Melodramatic etc"

Urm please take a look at how you opened this thread:

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

Sorry but it is there is black and white.

DO NOT go back to this man, DO NOT subject your children to a life of watching their mother be abused.

Now is the most precarious time and no doubt H will try every trick in the book to get you all home, DO NOT FALL FOR ANY OF IT.

Now is the time for change, now is the time you take back control and power

Please stay strong

X

You have done a wonderful thing for yourself and your children. You children will be much healthier because of it.

I mean if you couldn't hide your situation from people who don't live with, how could your children not be aware in some way.

You have done an amazing and wonderful thing. As someone suggested above, it would definitely be worth chatting to the school about the situation and the past. Your children will have seen and known what was happening and the school can put measures in place to make sure they are protected from him and they can receive counselling too.

I would also suggest reporting the assault. Even if it is too late to have any chance of a conviction, it will be on record for any further incidents.

I am sure what you are feeling is perfectly normal in your situation and I would urge you to contact Women's Aid and/or your GP, they will be able to put in place help and counselling for you.

Keep going; you are incredibly strong and brave and it sounds like you have a wonderful network of support, make use of it. Xxx

" I thought I had covered it all up so well. The truth will out."

"Do you all think that they are young enough to get on with life and be happier without this situation impacting too much? "

You have been incredibly brave. So glad that your family are giving you the support you need and deserve. Don't doubt that your children are much better placed for a happy future away from this abusive twat.

Well that was traumatic. Dealing with a clingy 3 year old and a distraught H in a public place.

I had the full gamut of emotions from him, tears (never seen that before) anger, frustration, blame, disbelief, back to anger, forlorn, denial. There was an awful lot if 'I need, I want, I feel' coming from him. I stood firm though. Told him I could not live like that any longer. I also said he can say as many words as he wants but his actions make them meaningless. I don't trust him not to hurt me. BIL told him it was assault and he would be looking at a sentence of 3-5 years if I report.

His parting words were 'We can not split up. We have to live together as a family. This can not happen.'

Lots of promises to change, never drink again, go to counselling etc. He went back on the promise he made in a text this morning about the house though. He had said me & the dc's could move back in & he go elsewhere as it's pointless him being there alone. When I saw him he said he would do but he can't as he won't have anywhere to live. I asked could he not move back in with his mum & dad (they have 3 spare bedrooms) but he couldn't possibly tell them. His mum would be too upset.

So that was it. What a waste of 9 years. What a stupid fool I have been. Thank you for all your kind words. You are all such an amazing support. I kerp feeling like oacking up & going hone, giving him a hig & saying it doednt matter but all you people can't be wrong. The limited amount if info about the abuse us a tiny % of the last 9 years. I don't feel strong or amazing. I feel like an idiotic fuck up to be honest. I'm educated! I have a responsible job. I have loads of friends who care about me but I can't tell any if them. I am totally exhausted. I managed to eat a piece of toast but promptly threw it up. I keep veering from manic whirring thoughts to feeling like I'm paralysed. Sorry just babbling now.

Don't feel a fool, it's incredibly hard to leave and you've taken the biggest step in doing that.

Don't give in to him, stay strong. There are people here with advice and experience, they'll help you get through and your M&D & family are there for you.

I feel like an idiotic fuck up to be honest. I'm educated! I have a responsible job

Join the club and there are a lot of very wise, intelligent and educated women here on mumsnet who have been in similar situations. It's not as if these men have abuser tatooed on their foreheads and it is such a gradual process, best described by the idea of how you can boil a frog without it jumping out of the pot, if you start from cold water and raise the temperature slowly enough.

Beg, borrow or steal Crissy Rocks autobiography.

It's all there weed. It's like your life in print.

If you aren't sat on every page shouting ' FOR GOODNESS SAKE JUST LEAVE THE BASTARD then I'll eat my hat and scarf as well.

She had nice parents, CSA and an abusive husband.

Please, please read it.

www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Crissy+rock+autobiography

Well done for leaving and please stay strong and don't go back. You are doing a fantastic thing for your children. You don't want them brought up in that atmosphere.

Keep posting here. There are some wonderful people on here who will keep you going and give you tonnes of advice and support. Many of them have been through similar to you.

Also I would file a complaint against your husband with the police saying that providing he doesn't pester you or your parents you will not press charges.

But if he steps out of line then you want the full weight of the law down on him.

In fact I don't know why you aren't pressing charges as this will all go in your favour when the court divvy up assets and custody of the kids.

You have got a photo of the assault haven't you?