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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

252 replies

weedinthepool · 26/09/2014 08:54

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back Sad there is something wrong with me.

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 26/09/2014 17:58

Well done for staying strong. Please report this piece of dirt to the police.

heyday · 26/09/2014 19:14

My mother suffered 30 years of severe domestic violence, mainly in the days when DV wasn't even considered to be a crime. She was made to feel like the worst person in the world. When she was finally able to leave him I know she felt bad because the disruption to our lives, as she saw it.
Women are more prone to feeling guilty, and usually totally unjustifiably.
Your husband is a monster but after 9 years you have been made to believe that this life with him is normal and that somehow you are wrong.
You have to leave him, you have no other choice whatsoever. Never, ever go back no matter what he ever says.
Make the most of the safety that your parents offer. Get your life sorted out. Get yourself and your children some counselling and feel proud of what you have finally managed to do. If my mother had been able to leave my bastard of a father then her 4 children would not have the huge psychological problems that we do today and my DB would not have committed suicide due to the years of horrendous violence he witnessed and suffered.
Get all the help you can and start looking forward to a safer, happier life for yourself and your DC.

AdoraBell · 26/09/2014 19:17

Well done for getting out and for seeing through his display this afternoon.

As for his mum being upset if she finds out. Yes, she'll probably disgusted to find out her son is a rapist who abuses his wife and the mother of her grandchildren. That is why he doesn't want to go there.

Stay strong, keep surrounding yourself with supportive people and stay safe.

Thanks
Gfplux · 26/09/2014 19:24

Well done you have done the right thing. Stay strong.

Original poster
weedinthepool · 26/09/2014 19:29

I have got the Crissy Rock book now, on my kindle. Thanks Dowser, it looks like a great read. I'm trying to get a copy if 'Why does he do that?' I have always been too scared to read it or download it because H checked everything. I have managed to eat some dinner & DD is settling s bit with the clinginess. Both ds's are put on prearranged sleepovers so the bedtime battle won't be as hard as last night.

H taking DS2 & DD out tomorrow for a while. My BIL is doing the handover so won't have to see him. No more texts, emails or calls from him. I'm hoping I was strong enough this afternoon to show I mean it. Worried about the future but trying to just focus on getting through each day & not weighing myself down with worries.

OP posts:
Original poster
weedinthepool · 26/09/2014 19:32

Adora his mum is undergoing chemo for stage 4 cancer so I can see he is trying to protect her. Part of the reason I stayed last time he was violent was because of this but although I feel awful & sad for mil, fil & H I just snapped yesterday. I will always carry guilt that I did this at a terrible time but I realised that another terrible time would crop up and ud just be stuck.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 26/09/2014 19:38

You really think it's wise handing the kids over to him the state of his head at the minute?

Hissy · 26/09/2014 19:55

please don't let him take your babies out. they are at risk from him. he could hurt them to hurt you.

it's too soon.

this is the most dangerous part of the journey, for you and for them.

please take advice from your friends/colleagues on this.

wrt feeling idiotic. that's how I felt, utterly and truly the most stupid person that ever walked the earth.

I was also terrified of reading Why Does He Do That. but eventually I did, and it revolutionised my life. the book enables you to see that it really wasn't you. it's his choice to hurt and abuse you. because he likes to do it, needs to do it to feel good. it's really sick actually.

protect your children, protect yourself, no meet ups/access for now. please

GoldfishCrackers · 26/09/2014 20:26

I know that stupid feeling. The only thing making it go away is spending time on the Freedom Programme with other abused women, all of whom impressed me with their intelligence.
Please don't let him take the DC tomorrow. This is a very dangerous time for them. Apart from the serious risk that he'll harm them to get at you, he sounds like a pretty scary daddy to be around right now with all the crying, anger, etc. It is no good for them right now. They need stability, not time alone with a volatile unpredictable man. (A man who has committed crimes that would see him locked up for 3-5 years.)

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/09/2014 20:40

Jesus. The abuse you have experienced at his hands is literally sickening. I feel sick and tearful just reading it, and you have lived it. You poor love.
You've so done the right thing. You feel conflicted because you have traumatically bonded to him. The fear and conflict the survivor feels when leaving a highly abusive man is all part of the process.
You really shouldn't be seeing him at all, and especially not with the children present.
I wouldn't be allowing him to have the children unsupervised either.

springydaffs · 26/09/2014 22:11

You will feel all over the place initially -but hold on, it will pass surprisingly quickly . I was amazed how quickly it passed. Just being out if his orbit does it, it's as simple as that. He wove a spell around you - how do you think intelligent, professional etc women take this horror otherwise? - and literally being away from him will seriously loosen his hold over you.

But there's no denying that the initial confusion is really not at all nice. I have said on here before that I shook, couldn't sleep, was a total mess - I felt I was withdrawing from a class A drug, I craved him; but my head knew he wasn't right, he'd pushed it all too far and I'd woken up.. Oh, it was a time of immense confusion, I was completely off my head.

Please, if you want to get to the other side of this horrible time, don't see him. Its intense but it's over more quickly: if you keep seeing him it drags it out - which is his intention, to keep you under his spell. He has no intention of letting you go, he will fight dirty to keep you in his power.

Ime it was intense for a week, uncomfortable for another week or so, but after that it was as if i clicked back into myself. I was certainly traumatised but I had clarity, my world was remarkably light with him out of it.

You have wonderful support, let them create a wall around you as you get on with the business of detoxing. It won't take long.

AdoraBell · 26/09/2014 22:17

You shouldn't be carrying guilt about the timing. You knew it was dire abuse, you left because you needed to and you found the strength to do it.

MIL isn't your responsibility, as much as you may care for her and vice versa, you didn't do this. Neither did she. It was her son who did something that would likely disgust and horrify her. And he did it because he chose to, not because his mum is ill and he's stressed about her health.

I'm also concerned about him taking the DCs out tomorrow, is there anyone way you could make it supervised?

springydaffs · 26/09/2014 22:29

I have to agree about him not spending time alone with the kids. He is a dangerous man.

Is it possible for you all to hole up somewhere for a week or two? I mean you and your fabulous support all decamping en masse, not you on your own with the kids. He knows where you are and you don't want to be privvy to his dying off process , with all the potential kicking about he's liable to pull off to drag you about - you've enough on your plate. Normal rules don't apply: it's an extreme situation and unusual measures need to be considered. DO NOT be tempted to feel any compassion for him. You have to focus on you (and the kids, but you first) for the next couple of weeks.

I sincerely hope you do report him.

springydaffs · 26/09/2014 22:32

You didn't do it now - he did.

DrCarolineTodd · 26/09/2014 23:40

None of this is your fault. He was and is abusive. It's normal to doubt yourself when your head has been messed with. It's normal to feel like you need to go back. But it will pass. You will have a better life, and you have done the right thing.

For what it's worth, I have a postgraduate degree and a Mensa-level IQ and am a survivor of DV. It can and does happen to people from all walks of life.

WellWhoKnew · 27/09/2014 02:00

Well done, love. Really well done.

If there was ever an acid test to prove a woman is being abused it is this question:

What do you think?

The answer is always what he says.

Somewhere along the way, you lost your ability to have your own opinion. Somewhere along the way, you gave up having your own opinion.
Somewhere along the way, he told you what to think.
Somewhere along the way, you accepted that.

How that happened and why that happened, matters less. That it happened matters enormously.

So well done. You matter. You.

Charley50 · 27/09/2014 05:43

Well done for leaving that was very brave. Please don't ever go back. I'm another person who was a child of an abusive relationship. All of us adult kids are messed up and I lost my DB to suicide too (sorry PP). He was a sensitive young man and couldn't cope with years of witnessing fights and abuse and being emotionally abused himself.
Please don't let him see your kids so soon. He is very volatile and may use them to hurt you. Ignore his response and call the police if he turns up where you are. You know how abusive he is, don't submit your kids to that. I think you should involve the police anyway. So glad you have got away from him.

Quitelikely · 27/09/2014 07:49

Think of you this morning weed. Your an inspiration to others in a similar situation who thought they couldn't do it.

Stay strong. Come here for advice or support. Tell us if he tries to contact you. Does he know BiL is dropping the girls off or does he think it's going to be you?

Longtalljosie · 27/09/2014 07:53

He doesn't have a right to see the children this soon. By rights he should be in jail anyway. He'll try to mess with their heads. You're reeling - so are they. They have as much right for space to gather perspective too, don't you think?

Dowser · 27/09/2014 09:16

Well done on getting the Crissy rock book. Seeing your situation from another womans point of view might just help you to be more objective about your own.

Get it read before you start making any decisions about him!

I swear it will make you so angry on her behalf that you will use that fire in your belly to stand proud with him and outwit his cunning/ sly manoeuvres.

He will see you like he's never seen before and I'm glad you're getting the protection you need!

Original poster
weedinthepool · 27/09/2014 09:18

I've thought long & hard about H having the dc's today. I guess I'm accommodating his requests to see them to try & manage his behaviour. I don't want to antagonise him or make him angry.

I have asked the dc's this morning what they want to do re seeing him. Ds1 who is 11 does not want to see him, neither does Dd who is 3. Ds2 (6) does so he is going to go with him. H won't be happy, he wanted them overnight but you are all right, the dc's need time too.

A poster further up (sorry I can't take in who us saying what) was talking about feeling like withdrawing from a drug. That is such a good analogy. There have been so many times I've been asked questions over the past two days that I can't answer because I feel I should check with H. I can't sleep at all. I feel broken. I really hope the timescale of this only lasting a week or 2 is true. I know I will feel guilt about wrecking our family unit for years to come & I still can't imagine feeling like I don't owe H something. I can't believe how strongly I feel like I'm letting him down Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
weedinthepool · 27/09/2014 09:40

Sorry DS2 is going to see him at an outdoor adventure place with BIL & his cousin. So not unsupervised. I think DS2 just wants to check H is OK. They were the closest of all.

DS1 is totally relieved. Dd doesn't want to leave my side, which is hard because I'm staring into space trying to work out how to make things better and she wants to play.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 27/09/2014 09:41

You poor thing he really has done it to you hasn't he Sad

Ii understand you not wanting to make him angry but what if that pandering to him leads to him pinching your kids, hurting them even or worse.

Something is wired up wrong in his brain and the rug has been pulled from underneath a dangerous man which has the potential to be worse to get some control back. He will do anything to get you back under his control and if that means using the kids in some way then so be it.

Have you spoken these feelings with somebody IRL? I think you're In real danger of going back and it's a scary thought.

springydaffs · 27/09/2014 10:23

I know I will feel guilt about wrecking our family unit for years to come

You won't.

When you wake up - and it is WHEN - you will see this for what is. Ie you will see him for what he is.

Ergo & I still can't imagine feeling like I don't owe H something. I can't believe how strongly I feel like I'm letting him down -

That's his conditioning talking, his brainwashing. Yy hard to believe we've been brainwashed - but it is surprisingly easy to brainwash someone who has an emotional attachment to us. If they're the sort to manipulate and control someone's heart and mind.

After I left my extremely abusive ex, I did a lot of reading about eg mind control techniques. There they were in black and white - he had used them all. There are some sick people about. They make us sick, or temporarily ill, but they are the source. You will get well and return to your right mind.

I was the one who said a week or two, and this really does rely on you having no exposure to him at all. It is akin to detoxing from a drug, a physical substance, because he has woven threads into your heart and mind. The only clean way is to go cold turkey. Mightily uncomfortable but hold on, it will pass. Surprisingly quickly, as I said.

Can you and your parents get away? A week, even, would go a long way to establishing your recovery (and you would be temporarily out of his orbit, therefore demands). Any other family members eg bro and BIL, too. They'd be able to keep things ticking along for the kids' sake while you stare into space.

All that will pass, lovely xx

heyday · 27/09/2014 10:35

Just remember this...... If your husband hadn't treated you so disgustingly then you wouldn't have had to leave the home at all so please sit down and be truly honest in acknowledging just whose fault this is because it is certainly not yours ok.

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