After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

[weedinthepool]

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back there is something wrong with me.

You didn't wreck the family unit. He did. He did it ages ago. First time he abused you. You stayed as you thought it was a one off. Each time you thought it would be the last. Each time you thought he would change. Each time you convinced yourself it was your fault. It wasn't. It never was. And if he hadn't married you he would have been exactly he same with anyone else. It is who he is. He will not change.

There are wiser and more experienced people than me on this thread so I won't try to advise you but I will say that you should seriously think about reporting him to the police.

Your BIL is very good to take your DS to see your ex. And I bet your parents are beyond relieved you left. You have help and support and love around you. You will get through, and so will your DCs. But please please please don't even think of going back. He will punish you for leaving.

OP

This man has you conditioned to the abuse. You have absolutely done the right thing. It is very telling that the oldest child does not want to see daddy.

You know he might try to contact you and tell you he is sorry, he will change, he might try to be nice but please don't believe his words. He can't change who he is or how his head is wired. Something went quite wrong in his younger years and that has characterised who he has become.

He forced himself upon you and I wonder if your so brain washed that you still don't believe he raped you? If you go to the police about all of this you know that they can offer you support.

Do your parents know he forced himself upon you? If you can't tell the police could you find it in yourself to tell them do you think?

Please just ride through the pain and never go back. It is far far far more damaging to your children to be living in the abusive situation than not. They are too old now to pretend things are ok and to hide the abuse from. They are already relieved from the sound of it. They can still see their dad (but don't push them too at the moment).
As others said, your disgusting twisted husband is the person who wrecked the family, not you. Be kind to yourself over the next few weeks and let your real family support you.

I know I will feel guilt about wrecking our family unit for years to come & I still can't imagine feeling like I don't owe H something. I can't believe how strongly I feel like I'm letting him down - you haven't wrecked the family unit; HE HAS! You owe him nothing. You are not letting him down - he has let you down by not loving you properly, by being abusive throughout your relationship, by raping you!

OP - have you got the wound photographed and documented by a doctor? It will help in the future - you will be able to get Legal Aid in cases of DV, but they have to be documented.

And - op, the reason he is 'white' and tearful? He is shocked, yes, - that you could think for yourself after all. That his control has slipped, He is furious and planning to get you back so he can punish you for it. He will probably be Mr Lovely for a while, just long enough to shake your resolve, so you think you can go back and the 'family' is intact.

He doesn't know what he's done to deserve it? Hahahahaha - maybe your BIL (the policeman) can enlighten him? Rape/physical violence/abuse - he really doesn't know that decent people don't do that to the one person they are suppose to love? Or to anyone, in fact?

He is terminally thick if he really doesn't know. Of course he does know, but thinks he has a right to treat you as he likes.

Oh - and I'd tell MIL myself; take away his excuse not to be able to go there. Ill or not - you have to look after yourself and your dc now, MIL will have to be looked after by DH.

Get hard, OP and get angry.

Yes the wound is photographed. I've hidden the photo on my phone. My GP has also recorded bruising and a broken rib. The local independent domestic abuse service have records too as does a counsellor I was seeing for PND.

I can not bring myself to even think about the r word, never mind talk to anyone about it. It was more forceful coercion of sex by pinning me down. My parents don't know about the forceful sex but they know about the bite.

I haven't asked BIL yet but I think he is setting the wheels in motion for the DA specialist to collect a statement. Unfortunately I know the DA police person for our locality, I used to work with her . I am also worried about the safeguarding team becoming involved because of the dc's. I know them too due to work.

This has also contributed to why I haven't left. All the local services in place to support someone in my situation are also closely linked to my job (I train them ffs!) So not only do I have the shame of even getting myself into this stupid messed up dangerous situation but I also have to face colleagues who will say I can not believe weed has allowed this to happen to her. I'm really wobbling. If I go back I will lose my families support and hate myself but it seems like my only option. He will never go away. He will always control me.

my love, those that know you will feel love for you and wished that they'd have known sooner, so they could help you sooner.

feeling stupid is very much part of all this, but you weren't stupid, you were being abused.

intelligence has nothing to do with being able to protect yourself from a determined abuser. in fact I believe abusers target those that have a sparkle, a verve, a brightness. they want to acquire that strength. due to many reasons, abuse victims are vulnerable to these abusers, and until they learn how to shore up those defenses, the vulnerability is something that can call the attention of potential abusers.

there is no shame here love, you've done nothing wrong. he chose to abuse you. he wanted to and did. the shame is all his, whether or not he ever accepts it.

either way, not your problem anymore. he's on his own.

you're surrounded by those that care, and professionals that have chosen to work in this field to help people like you.

this will shock them and upset them because they didn't see it happening under their noses, but that's something that will make them want to help you more.

anyone who doesn't immediately back you and offer to help you isn't useful in your lives, step over and around them and carry on your journey without them.

You would take your children back into that?

If you go back then you need the safeguarding team involved. This person has screwed up every part of your thinking that you may be willing to go against your training.

Don't you see why you need to go no contact completely?

Yeah I second that holiday idea.. get totally away for a bit.

There is no shame in having been abused, all the shame is on him.

You will get away from him, you will get out of his control, but you need to make sensible choices. You can do this, you have your family supporting you.

All of the support services from the police to SS will be on your side. They will help you get free of this man and protect you and your children from him.

"He will never go away. He will always control me."

That's not true. That's your fear talking. You can do this, you have already taken control and you can keep going. Just keep getting support from your family, women's aid, counselling etc. Everyone is on your side: it's you and everyone against him. You can do it! xxx

Sorry but I don't understand - you are out. You did it. Why would you feel your only option is to go back?

And with regard to your work colleagues etc - yes they will be surprised and shocked. Of course they will. But I'm sure they will realise that it just shows how it can happen to anyone.

Please don't go back. You don't need to. You owe hm nothing. You owe it to your children to keep safe. He will play nice but if you go back he will be much worse.

No weed. You don't belong to him. You aren't his to let go.

You train people and yet I'm worried your so brainwashed that you are forgetting the impact abuse has in children. I know you love your dc so much and I'm going to put something uncomfortable to you. Do you want your son doing this to his future wife? Do you want your daughters ending up in the clutches of someone like your dh?

Your relationship is teaching them everything about relationships. It is all they will know and a lucky few manage to stay away from abusive partners because they understand it was wrong but a lot of people who grow up in abusive homes do not manage that pleasure. They mimic their parents relationship.

Your colleagues will be empathetic. They will understand whst it's like to be caught in an abusive situation.

I did think you were sidestepping the R questions. I can fully understand why you want to block it out. But he forced himself upon you, it's honestly not the way a normal couple operate. Please consider telling your family. I don't think you can see the woods for the trees at the mo.

This is you and your kids future at stake here. You might think your kids don't know what sort of man their father is but I bet they have a better idea than you could realise.

Everyone in this forum can give a description of their parents relationship no one has said my dad was abusive but I didn't know it. They all know it, even if the parents believed they didn't.

Please tell your parents everything. Don't go back to him.

OP, you are understandably not thinking clearly. As you have worked with DV and child protection agencies in a professional capacity you know that you can get support and legal protection to keep him away. You will also be aware that your children are likely to be emotionally harmed if they are taken back into that situation.

You are out and have begun to tell people. You have done the hardest bit. You can do this OP - let your family friends and colleagues help you.

Jesus god please report this properly and have him prosecuted. You have to, for your childrens' sake.

He is a violent controlling rapist. You need to be able to control his access to and influence on your children, as he will - WILL - start to use them to get at and to control you.

Wouldn't hurt them? Can you honestly say that about a man who RAPES and BITES his wife and then describes that as him not realising it was bad?

Please do not let him have your children unsupervised.

Please get help, as you are clearly massively mentally affected by his years of coercion and abuse - the way you talk about the situation is astonishing, the level of normalisation of a frankly horrific experience.

Please report him properly as it will act as protection for your children.

Weed I think you might be finding that all the things you're being asked to do to keep you and your DC safe mean more confrontation with him and more standing up to him. And that feels terrifying and exhausting. And standing up to him is something you stopped doing a long time ago for 'an easy life' - you've learned that to keep yourself safe you don't provoke his anger.

His anger is a tool for him to get you to do what he wants. Don't walk back into his cage because he's growling at you from behind the bars.

You have new options now and the way to keep you all safe is the opposite of what you've been doing for years. You no longer live with him. You've already done the bravest thing.

Use the people around you to create a barrier. Until you have unlearned this automatic reaction of appeasing him, have no contact with him. Let the professionals and your family/friends contact him.

You're free. You have done an astonishingly brave thing. Stay free.

He won't always control you.
He won't always control you.
He won't always control you.
HE WON'T ALWAYS CONTROL YOU.

You and the children are now exactly where you all need to be, in the bosom of your loving and supportive family.

You will learn to manage your freedom and independence again, to trust yourself again, to live well and be happy.

Meanwhile, please please take full advantage of the people you have around you. I can see that the rape(s) are so so hard for you to talk about, but you've told us, so you can write it down. Write it down and hand it to someone, your brother, perhaps. You've written it down here, you can do it again. You need to do this, it is part of protecting your children from the horrible, violent, dangerous abuser.

I'm sure what you wrote at Sat 27-Sep-14 11:35:30 is representing a severe wobble of confidence. There is no way realistically that you can un-do your departure, your escape, your rescue of the dc from a hazardous environment.

You train all these people who would be involved in the next phase of your escape? Time to put them to the test then, don't you think? destiny has placed you in kind of a unique situation here ... how many others could say they know all these people whose job it is to help you and others in highly abused, wretched lives?

There is no shame in you declaring independence and leaving this cruel, sadistic rapist. I am a little concerned that you're heading back into denial of what was going on, but I think this is probably normal, given how well trained you have been. He did that. Took you over, owned you, made you submit to every perversity he imposed on you.

Abuse has no boundaries ....

You are very courageous and strong willed to have endured and then got out. Honour yourself by staying out and accepting help. All those people could not have had a better teacher. You. Let them work for you now.

abusers abuse out of weakness.

not power, not strength.

they are weak, insignifincant and impotent cowards.

pathetic and low.

you are worth a gazillion of him. this is why he tries to destroy you, to make himself look/feel better. he resents and hates you for being you, for being loveable, popular, clever, friendly. everything he isn't naturally.

to him being nice is a weapon he uses to get what he wants, he charms, he smarms. he's not naturally nice. you are, and it's this he loathes.

a colleague of mine recently escaped a violent boyf.

she bumped into him the other week. he asked if her (lovely) boyf was still being weak as he's so soft on her.

I told her that this proved that there is never any hope for this specimen, he views being nice to women as a weakness.

he's got to be written off as a human being. and he's not even in his 20's. that's tragic. but his choice.

you didn't choose to be abused, he chose to abuse you and will stop at nothing to destroy you.

he is the very kind of monster that'd kill his kids to inflict maximum damage on you.

don't ever think any differently of him. get him gone out of your life.

Read the book Weed!

And scream at Crissy

" LEAVE THE BASTARD'

Then look at yourself and think, " thank god I got out when I did"

Look at Emotional Freedom Technique. EFT . It's great for issues around fear.

Your fear of him
Your fear of your colleagues finding out would stupify into silence .

COME ON GIRL. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT"

Feel the fear and do it anyway. An excellent book by Susan Jeffers.

He will not always control you. He is a little toad who has used some techniques, that is all.

Who gives a fuck whether he meant to do it or not: the fact is he did it and he's doing it.

Yy it's hard to face the embarrassment of working with your colleagues, particularly as you trained them. I know so much about domestic abuse, a walking encyclopaedia, but I got hooked into a situation that came from left field, a completely unexpected source. It took me an age to see it for what it was! It may be lost on you now, but it really does go to show it can happen to anyone, Anyone

Please do get away for a break - take your team with you, you can't do this in your own at the mo. Frankly, you should be in a refuge. Perhaps then you would work with a different team? I would anyway see if you can work with a team from a different country - conflict of interest and all that.

Keep going. All the dross will pour out, try not to take it seriously iyswim. Except the bit that identifies him as a very dangerous abuser. Yes, take that seriously xx

*county

My earliest memory is of my father ripping the cover off the double pram my sister and I shared and dragging us out of it when my mother was trying to take us to our grandmothers house till he "cooled off". I have seen my mother been beaten by my father on more than one occasion when I was a child. This was in the late sixties/early seventies. I was physically sick every Saturday because I knew what would happen when he got back from the pub. This is what I grew up with and this was normal for me.

I didnt know it wasnt normal until I stayed with friend one weekend and none of this happened in her house. As teenagers my sister and I begged her to leave him and take us with her...she didnt and we have the most miserable memories possible.

Neither of us live in the same country as our parents and visit maybe once every two/three years I dont see a need to go more frequently and I never stay at their house. Although we are both very sucessful in our professional lives but we have both failed to sustain longterm relationships and neither of us have children which I see as a byproduct of what we witnessed.

Neither of us has any respect for either parent, they are still together and every year wonder why we dont send a wedding aniversary card. As far as I am concerned, it is not a cause for celebration.

Do you want your children to turn out the way we did? Then don´t go back to your husband.

I am firmly of the belief that it is better for children to be with one parent and feel happy and safe than with two parents and miserable and scared and waiting to see the next bruise.

Please consider your children, they dont need to live that life you can make it better for them.

Sorry about that major wobble. I think it was sleep deprivation. I've managed to have a couple of hours sleep now & am thinking more clearly. H is clearing off to his sister's for a week as I threatened to go to police about the last incident in my manic state this morning. His sister lives an hour away.

The dc's and I are going home, we will all sleep better & feel better back there. My brother is coming to stay with me & my mum & dad are going to be around a lot. The police are aware through BIL, I am going to get an occupation order and set the ball rolling with a solicitor on Monday.

Feel much more positive now. With my brother there I will feel safe & won't be stressing about how to do school runs etc. Hopefully the dc's sleep & behaviour will settle too as they are so upset. The right thing to do is go home.

I am thinking about contacting H's sister & putting her fully in the picture as I'm sure she won't know the full story. Is this wise?

Yes. Absolutely.

And please please go to the police. If you are setting the ball rolling with separation and forcing him from the house, you do need to and you really might as well. Although I guess this will almost certainly be a part of it all if you are getting an occ order.

Phew thank god for that! Yes Weed please do put his sister in the picture. You need her to know what has gone on............

Well done for staying strong. Come back here for support and advice as the next few days and weeks will be tough.