3wo baby & husband fessed up

[Crushed2914]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago, traumatic birth husband distant not supportive but loves baby.
Things have been distant between us for some time, he spends most of his free time at the gym, thought things would change once baby was here but no.
He's always been over protective of his phone, but last night I asked for it to download pictures of our LG.
I found screen shots of sickly messages from another woman, Instagram photos of true love quotes, things like I can't be with you all the time but you are the love of my life, and stuff about having such a strong connection, we finish each other's sentences blah blah blah.
I questioned them & he began a story about comforting her when her cat died. I asked why he kept these messages, he said he thought they were nice. I probed further, he's having an EA with this woman, says they haven't had sex but that he has wanted to. (When I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, he said he doesn't want to say it in front of me, I demanded to know & he said yes he does) He's not kissed her but could have. She's married with children also. He deletes her texts & his texts to her. He says he's not sure if he loves her, which I believe to mean he does. He says we've been living separate lives for ages & it's not worth trying to change. He won't stop seeing her or going to the gym that she goes to. He won't try to take our daughter away from me, and will let me live in the house, he will continue to support me. In other words he made up his mind before now about leaving me.
I've been awake all night with baby, I feel sick & utterly shellshocked. I was distant with him because he spent all his time away from me, I didn't think he'd really be having an affair. There's no going back now. How on earth am I going to carry on, I'm going to be a single mother, with no money, no life. My poor little girl

I am so sorry you've discovered this.

I know it won't mean much to you right now but you will survive as a Single parent honestly. Please try not to worry about that because you will adapt and make it work. It sounds like you've been living half a single life anyway.

Oh crushed I'm so sorry to hear that. This is the time that you deserve the best from your husband not the worst. What an awful and cruel way to treat you.
Regardless of whether he loves her or not he should have been focusing on you.
No helpful advice I'm afraid but wanted to let you know that even this early in the morning there are people here for you. X

I think you need to get some support from family or friends, it's a tricky time for anyone but you have just had a baby so far worse.

I just wanted to give you a bit of hope though.

I was a single parent of 4 and was neither without money or a life.

These days with tax credits you can work and still have a decent life.
With careful budgeting I still took mine on day trips and a good holiday abroad each year too.

My children did their hobbies and were dressed well and had nice Xmas and birthdays.

I am not a high earner btw just a hard worker determined to make a life for us.

So even if you do end up on your own, please don't think that your life will be over.

Now make that call and get some support with this and your baby.

Not much to add, just wanted to hold your hand too, and say you're not alone. I went through something similarish, when my baby girl was 14months, now she is 14yo. And fine. Better than fine, she has two holidays, two birthdays, two Christmases every year, now she has 6 siblings and a large extended family and is very secure. Your little girl will be fine.

It does sound as though you have been very alone through all if this already, being a single parent may be liberating for you. Living with someone who disregards and disrespects you the way your dh has (and mine did) is soul crushing. Being free of that, and free to make the life you want for yourself and your little girl will more than compensate for the loss of you cheating dh.

I know it will be heart breaking and hard, at times, but so many MNers here will testify that you will look back on this and thank god that this happened. Keep focusing on that day ahead, and not was has passed.

I know it sounds scary, but you'll be fine. My ex did this to me, left me for a married woman, only she refused to leave her husband, so you can guess he tried to come back, errr no way twatbag.

He'll be lonely, in a crappy place, eating meals for 1 and you will have your little girl and you can join mums groups, have the girls around, you'll be fine.

Didn't want to read and run. So sorry. You must feel desperately awful. :(

I am so sorry to read this post. Having a 3 week old is hard enough.

I became a single parent when my DD was 5 weeks old. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't say it was easy, but it was easier having a very young baby on my own than it was having a young baby and a useless unsupportive unthoughtful partner. I couldn't have done it without support though, and there is lots out there when you need it in my experience.

It wasn't the life I imagined for my DD, but its a good life non the less. You can do it too!

Yes this will come as a shock but perhaps not really as a surprise considering the fact that you have been leading quite separate lives already. It sounds as if the relationship was on the rocks and he has moved on quickly.
You need to protect yourself now. Are you going to continue living together whilst he begins an affair with her.? Sometimes we have to find strength from the inner depths of our soul and this is one of those times for you.
At least you have found out now so you can begin the process of trying to take it all in. Cry, shout, do you what you have to to work through this pain and then get on with the reality of life in its altered form. You will get through this, it won't always be easy but your future and your LG's future is firmly in your hands now. So you have to be strong. Sounds like he is not a total sod so he may well pay you a decent amount in maintenance and let you stay in the house so you are already half way there towards a reasonable future. Look after yourself now as best as you can and call on any family or friends who can help and support you through this difficult time.

Thanks. I haven't heard from him yet, had a friend stay overnight & my sis in law has come this morning.
The woman he's infatuated with is also married, he says unhappily.
He doesn't expect she will leave her husband or that anything else will come of it, but said in a roundabout way he didn't want me anymore. I'm not the person I was 10 years ago apparantly! No shit Sherlock!
He lost his mum in feb, I did everything I could think of to help him through that, but it seems so did she. His dad lives alone, our daughter is the first grandchild, he's smitten & not generally very friendly towards me. I'm scared he'll try to persuade my husband to fix things without him actually wanting to or worse still take everything away.

So sorry Crushed, words fail me. You are in such a vulnerable position with a tiny baby after a difficult birth and he drops this on you. Poor darling.
You need legal advice, as he jolly well can't avoid supporting you financially and this will cost him more than he probably realises. For a start he'll have to support your child for many years.
Just for now, accept any and every help and support from your family and friends, and get advice from a solicitor asap so you know where you stand. You can't poss stay with this nasty man. I'd like to smack his horrid face.
A huge non-Mumsnetty HUG for you.

Just wanted to add my support OP. I can't imagine what you are feeling but mums net can be a good source of support. From now on put you and dd first, you two are the priority. You are stronger than you think, you brought your beautiful dd in to the world (it sounds like pretty much solo), you can find a way. Get some RL support too. I know I'm a stranger on MN but I believe you can do this.

Hugs op, make sure you speak to your rl friends. From a practical point of view, photocopy bank statements, payslips, accounts, savings, p60's, pension, mortgage statements etc.

Speak to a solicitor.

Find out how much money you will have, wages, maintenance, tax credits, savings, equity.

Knowledge will give you strength. It's unlikely that you will be destitute, you may find you will be suprisingly okay.

I'm scared he'll try to persuade my husband to fix things without him actually wanting to or worse still take everything away.

You are not passive in this. You must take control and call the shots.

I don't have anything to say that will ease your hurt right now, but I want to reassure you that you will be better than ok eventually. Your H will not be able to take away your LG. Life as a single parent isn't awful - I have had ups and downs, but overall I'm happier now than I've ever been.

My XH had an affair when I was pg with DS2. I discovered it when I was 14 weeks and had DS1 (then 17 months old). I felt as powerless and frightened as you do now, devastated and shocked.

I posted on here for months and the support and kindness of people who had been there before sustained me through the worst of it, we managed to pick up the pieces. Keep talking and reaching out - let people carry you right now - your baby needs you and that will help you get through this. Sending hugs x

At my mums now, trying to sleep. My sis in law has DD, he's text me once to ask if I want him to sort our dogs out. He didn't ask about me or DD. I told his sister she's disgusted, but not heard anything off his dad.
I can't get my head round what to do next. Mum wants me to live with them, but can't bring dogs here. I can't live on my own, not yet. I don't have a penny to my name, my ML money this month didn't stretch far, I rely totally on him. I'm such a fool, I just thought things would get better, he'd see our lg, fall in love & want to rekindle our relationship for her sake. He's barely done anything with her since she's been here. Held her for 10 mins one eve after work before rushing off to the gym, I suppose to meet her. I just found out, when I was in hospital for a week after having our baby, he would leave in the evenings to go to his special gym classes, ones that she goes to. I thought he was going home to get a good rest before the next gruelling day (our daughter has something wrong with her, they kept her in for loads of tests, I'm still living with worry over that as we await results) they all must know at this gym class what's going on. I must be a joke to them, or pitied.

You are not a joke to anyone! Outsiders don't often joke about or pity the one betrayed. Not decent people anyway. They are most likely to be disgusted at the total mess they making of their own lives and the lives of the other innocent victims of their selfishness and disregard of their marriage vows.

I know you are in turmoil, it would be remarkable if you weren't. I would advise you not to look too far ahead, but just put one foot in front of the other every day until you are calmer. This is not the time to make rash decisions about leaving the marital home. If you separate, he will be obliged to give you 15% of his income in child-support. If you work more than 16 hours a week you will be entitled to claim Working Tax Credits, LHA, Council Tax benefit. All sorts. Have a read of the "turn2us.org.uk" website for figures.

You are just about to embark on a very well-trodden path and there is help and support out here for you.

Bless you, angel. This is totally fucking shit but it won't always be so, I promise you.

No honey you are not a joke to them if they know about this "affair". They will be laughing at them, talking about them and their sordid behaviour.He will be vilified about leaving his wife abd 3 week old DD. Hold your head up high you have done nothing wrong, take all the help you can get-move in with your mum for help and support until you are ready to stand on your own feet again-and you will get there.
Get legal advice as soon as you can, get maintenance for DD off him and if he humms and haws about it all all go down CBS. He may be saying he will support you for now but once he is "free" he can easily change his mind.
You can do this

I'm so sorry. He is an utter shit.

Let him sort out the dogs, you have a baby to care for. He can take the dogs with him when he leaves, or perhaps they could be dropped at OW's house. You need to prioritise your baby and yourself now.

Is there any way your mum can come and stay with you?

Have you considered telling the woman's husband that he is being cheated on?

If not I think I would do so if in your shoes. Despicable woman, knowing you've just had a baby. Obviously your husband is an equal disgrace.

Yeah, call me petty, but I'd be telling the husband. Whilst you were still in hospital??

They are two utterly immoral people, and should not be protected in any way.

So sorry this has happened OP. Just wanted to say my DP left when DS was five weeks old too. It was a tough few years but we have ended up fine, ds is doing great and I remarried when he was 7 to a wonderful DH who is the best father he could have wished for. I know you can't believe it now and must be feeling desperate, but please just keep putting one foot in front of the other for now and trust me, you and your dd will be fine in the end.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. What a scumbag.

I'm sure this has crossed your mind, but I wouldn't necessarily believe h when he says they've never kissed or had sex. It just doesn't seem likely.

Really glad you have a supportive family.

You won't be a joke to anyone. If people there do know, they're far more likely to have disgust for a man carrying on with another woman while his unsuspecting wife is caring for their poorly baby. No one in their right mind would feel anything but abhorrence for the pair of them.

Thank you for being kind. I've gone through every emotion under the sun today, first I thought I could forgive him & take him back if he wanted to, but the day has progressed & I've heard nothing from him not even to see how DD is, nothing from his dad either. I guess he doesn't care a jot. I know it's got to be over, i can never be happy with this man. I just need to sort my head out first. I think I need to speak with a doctor, I've been depressed before a long time ago, I'm so scared this is going to push me into an abyss I need to look after my little one.

You do. Gather your support. GP on Monday, emergency appointment sounds sensible. What else do you need?