3wo baby & husband fessed up

[Crushed2914]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago, traumatic birth husband distant not supportive but loves baby.
Things have been distant between us for some time, he spends most of his free time at the gym, thought things would change once baby was here but no.
He's always been over protective of his phone, but last night I asked for it to download pictures of our LG.
I found screen shots of sickly messages from another woman, Instagram photos of true love quotes, things like I can't be with you all the time but you are the love of my life, and stuff about having such a strong connection, we finish each other's sentences blah blah blah.
I questioned them & he began a story about comforting her when her cat died. I asked why he kept these messages, he said he thought they were nice. I probed further, he's having an EA with this woman, says they haven't had sex but that he has wanted to. (When I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, he said he doesn't want to say it in front of me, I demanded to know & he said yes he does) He's not kissed her but could have. She's married with children also. He deletes her texts & his texts to her. He says he's not sure if he loves her, which I believe to mean he does. He says we've been living separate lives for ages & it's not worth trying to change. He won't stop seeing her or going to the gym that she goes to. He won't try to take our daughter away from me, and will let me live in the house, he will continue to support me. In other words he made up his mind before now about leaving me.
I've been awake all night with baby, I feel sick & utterly shellshocked. I was distant with him because he spent all his time away from me, I didn't think he'd really be having an affair. There's no going back now. How on earth am I going to carry on, I'm going to be a single mother, with no money, no life. My poor little girl

Just been reading the thread - OP you are NOT useless! You are hurting, hormonal and in shock. Your DH is an utter cunt.

He is being so cruel. I asked for closure & a quick divorce the truth, has he had sex with this woman. He won't reply. He doesn't even need to look at me to tell me & still won't reply. I know he has but I need to have it from him.
He has told me our beautiful spaniel has a lump in her throat that the vets have taken a biopsy of today, he's not looking after the dogs properly, the neighbour tells me they rarely go out as he's never there.
The house is going on the market, there is no equity in it. I paid the deposit on it. I am going to be financially crippled & living with my parents for the foreseeable. DD has terrible reflux & is upset I don't know how much more I can take

He has lost out.

He will never have all the lovely moments in your daughters life that you will. His home will be never really be her home. He will miss all or most of those firsts.

So don't brood over the unfairness. He has fucked up and has lost more than you ever could.

Even speaking as someone who is happily with my child's father, the love you will feel for your daughter will vastly surpass any other relationship you will ever have.

Keep strong. You can do this for her. One day you will move on, have a lovely new home, and, if you want, a lovely new relationship. But right now you just need to focus on getting through the day, looking after yourself, and getting to know your daughter.

Hi Crushed , I think you need some RL advice and help, obviously your mother is there for you and I think you have your lawyer set up. I'm not saying "try not to worry" but rather concentrate on the things you can do something about.

Am I gathering that there are animal welfare issues with your dogs? Are they in the house but he's hardly ever there? I would say you need to be sure they are being looked after, they are living creatures and you need the certainty of knowing they will be OK. If you really feel he is not looking after them properly, have you thought about what you could do about that?

Stay strong OP!

He assures me his dad let's them out during the day & he takes them out in the morning. When I've gone round to pick stuff up, there isn't any mess. My neighbour may be trying to stir I don't know. I feel like I can't trust anybody.

After this blow I can imagine that the world seems full of uncertainty and perhaps you anticipate that you'll need to defend yourself at some point. If that moment ever comes, you need only defend yourself to those people that matter and not to a dick like him.

Speaking of which OP, she has reflux but your DD isin a safe place, cared for by you and DM. No wonder you feel drained, she's only about a month old! She is the world to you whereas STBX has contributed to her conception and little else since. Do not doubt yourself! And don't think anyone will take a man who is a useless lump seriously.

You mentioned having had depression in the past, please make an appointment with your GP, you need all your strength.

And if you know which vet is involved, talk to them about your dog, see if H has got it right.

Will I have to go to court for the divorce?

Reported jaceet541

OP, you will end up the stronger for this and be so glad in the end that he left sooner than later. Look after yourself. There is a tradition that a mother should be cossetted for the first forty days after a baby is born, I am so sorry that you have not been cossetted.

The man is a toad. He doesn't deserve your feelings. I wish I could tell you how to move past this but it's going to take a whole lot of time. The one thing that will make it worse as far as I can see is wanting to know the details from him. It doesn't matter. I can almost hear you insisting that of course it matters - but it doesn't. It won't change anything and will make you feel much worse to know details. Be kind to yourself. Look after yourself. You do not need to know.

Re dd and reflux. It's hard caring for a baby with reflux so give yourself a break for needing your dms help. Take her to gp. For my dd they prescribed infant gaviscon first which didn't really work then i got her ranitidine which did work excellently a s had made a huge difference.

Lastly remember what you told us - that the relationship wasn't great. Don't re tell yourself a story where you've lost something fabulous. You've lost a vain shallow arse of a man who left his three week old daughter after barely interacting with her. He's an utter waste of space.

I know it's all true. I just wish I could fast forward to the time that it doesn't hurt & all this nastiness is over. I feel like he's robbed this most precious time from me & DD. I'm living a nightmare when it should be a dream. I love her so much of course I do but I just want to lie down & cry & cry.
I don't want him to see her ever, but I know it won't happen. I have friends all the time telling me, she needs to see her dad. Why? He doesn't care about her, he's dumped us & now won't give me the time of day. Why should I give him the privelege. He didn't want to know during pregnancy, cooed a bit when she arrived but didn't do much to help, certainly didn't help me during delivery, he was told to go home & I laboured alone on a ward before my section hours later.
We were told something awful when she arrived & he didn't care about how it made me feel. I hate him so much, he's got somebody to hold him & soothe him & I've got no one to hold me.

Oh OP, so sorry you are feeling low. It WILL get better. I agree he doesn't deserve a daughter. She is so lucky to have you - you are so much stronger than you think.

Your friends are right in the sense you have to think in terms of what's healthy long term for DD although I can imagine you don't feel like putting out the welcome mat for him. But as far as I know (and please someone say if I'm wrong) as long as you don't actively put obstacles in his way, it's up to him to do the legwork. If he is as self-absorbed as he sounds, he will pay lip service to the idea of contact.

It's not about his rights or entitlement it's what is good for the child. He will be expected to pay maintenance in any case - it is not 'pay to view'.

I can't cope now. Doctors tomorrow but I've already been once & they sent me away. Said I'd had a bit of a shock & that was it.
Eleven years we had been together, so many happy memories, our lovely honeymoon, holidays, silly things we used to get up to. I was so looking forward to having a family, even if it wasn't how I expected, I really thought things would get better, he'd grow out of his gym obsession when he knew how wonderful being a dad was.
He's not bothered he's lost us, he won't reply to my texts begging him to tell me what went so wrong. Even his dad won't tell me if he's even slightly emotional to have lost us. All those years, memories, losing our home, our future, our marriage, our family, everything & he's not shed a tear. Three weeks ago he text me messages ended in xxx's & I love yous, now it's just silence. Not even a goodbye. I feel like I'm dying inside. Everyone tells me I'm better off, I'll be ok, it will get better, don't waste any more tears etc etc it makes me angry. I know people don't know what to say & are trying to be kind but I can't just shake it off. My life has been shattered, my daughter will not have a dad around, seeing families in the park on Facebook just kills me. I wanted that. No one will want me, I'm small & plain & ugly. This is it for me.

Sorry can't be of more support but you are not small and plain and ugly. And you are more than the man who "wants you", too! You are a mother and you are, surely, beautiful (as we all are- and your daughter will tell you so when she is old enough).

He sounds heartless and as if he has managed to detach. He's successfully repressing his guilt but he won't be able to do that forever. Don't think he's got away from this more "free" than you. You have the heartache but eventually he will suffer the soul rotting guilt and possibly peer judgment. He has my judgment, anyway. You will climb out of the dark hole he has thrown you into and he will slowly have to climb into it.

Your bastard ex is lucky to have such a wonderful woman raising his daughter. I am always shocked to read how men can treat the mother of their children so badly (not leaving them, they're entitled to do that if they're unhappy, but everything else that comes with it). It really makes them sound quite deficient as caring human beings, as most of us are. I hope. I believe.

Good luck with the Drs. I hope you see someone a little more understanding and understanding and get some support. Sending you strength.

I thought he might realise what a mistake he'd made & try & get me back. I thought he was my very best friend. I thought he was just selfish, not cruel. He's always had a softer side but this person is not who I remember him being. In three weeks I've had to come to realise he's a stranger. The man I loved so much, the photos are all of a different person. How can anyone do this to someone else, to the mother of your child. I didn't do anything to deserve it. That's the only thing he's said to me. I didn't do anything to deserve it.

Just read the full thread. How awful for you. You sound like a lovely person who understandably wants to know how the person you loved and trusted the most has let you down in the most awful way.
I think its good that you are going to the GP tomorrow - can you phone your HV todayif s/he is any good? When i was struggling with a newborn my HV spoke to the GP ahead of me going in so the appointment wasnt as big a "thing".

It does sound trite to say that you are better off without him, but it is true. Loosing your deposit just rubs salt in the wound, but it is only money. You have your beautiful baby, your family you are a strong woman and even though you dont think it, you will get through this.

Take care and lots of unmumsnetty hugs

This is a hard situation to be in at anytime in ones life but especially after the birth of your beautiful daughter.
For the moment you need to concentrate on the two of you. You are beautiful inside and out - thats comes across in your messages.
Take one day at a time. Take all help offered. Be good to yourself in small ways. Your hormones are all over the place never mind this on top of it.
If your doc won't help go to another doctor.
You will overcome this - as hard as that is to imagine!

If I were to move back into the house, does anyone know if he'd have to contribute to the costs? I've read somewhere that I can live there till DD is 18, but not sure i can afford it on my own. I really don't want to lose my house

They both replied to me to tell me they love each other. How fucking precious.

Hey there Crushed, sorry hadn't seen you were part of the parallel universe of Divorce or I'd have been in here like a shot!

Firstly, my sympathy. I imagine all you feel right now is despair and with a newborn, you couldn't be anymore vulnerable. So don't give yourself a hard time for feeling so bad and so awful, it's totally understandable given the cirucmstances.

Secondly, your in the 'manic and panic' stage where you think you have to rush to get everything sorted out.

You've seen a solicitor (well done) which has explained your financial situation to you, this doesn't sound good at all because of the lack of equity. Whether you or not you keep the house, the first thing that has to be born in mind is that the needs of the children come first, second and third in divorce. You will have to be housed somewhere, and so who pays for that, clearly the first place to look is him.

You might have to compel him to take on his responsibility. What you need to do is get yourself down to the CAB to see if you're getting your full entitlements from benefit, and for them to talk to you about how to obtain a divorce. Once you've petitioned you can then apply for 'Ancilliary Relief' which is the finance part. From there he (and you) must fully disclose (by way of Form E) all your debts, assets and income. You also have to supply twelve months bank statements of all bank accounts. So from there, you learn exactly what his 'lifestyle' needs are, what his real income is, and what he can afford to spend on you/your children. After that you 'mediate' if you can how he's going to look after his child and you. If mediation doesn't work, you'll take him to court where a judge will assist you in your mediation.

From what you say, you'll have to DIY your own divorce. It is a lot of paperwork and stress, but I know others who are doing it and they are doing well with it.

Theoretically you can stay in the house by way of a Mesher Order but it comes down to who is going to pay for it and how. But yes, he will have to pay for some of the costs wherever you go. You may have to fight to make sure he does.

Thanks everyone. I have decided to move back into the house. He has agreed to pay the full mortgage until I go back to work in May (how kind of him) then I'm going to push for half the mortgage paid if he wants to keep a vested interest in the house. I'll see what solicitor says at a later date. I'm excited to get my home back & fully redecorate! Everything to my taste what he has poo pooed in the past I'm having! He's also agreed to pay more maintenance than the child maintenance calculator worked out based on his supposed salary he told me.
I'm moving back in December, should give me a bit of time to get benefits in place & sort my head out & hopefully have developed more if a routine with DD.
I said I'd take her to the house on Saturday so he can see her. I want him to look at us, I want to see his face & see if there's any remorse there at all. His refusal to reply to my texts has incensed me! I truly despise him & her.
I'm seeing a counsellor now & on anti depressants, just to get me by. I want to be a good mum & need to stay upright for that!
I think what galls most is he's got someone to love & hold & lie with & I have no one. I'm pathetic I know, but I've never been without anyone. I want to be loved :,-(