3wo baby & husband fessed up

[Crushed2914]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago, traumatic birth husband distant not supportive but loves baby.
Things have been distant between us for some time, he spends most of his free time at the gym, thought things would change once baby was here but no.
He's always been over protective of his phone, but last night I asked for it to download pictures of our LG.
I found screen shots of sickly messages from another woman, Instagram photos of true love quotes, things like I can't be with you all the time but you are the love of my life, and stuff about having such a strong connection, we finish each other's sentences blah blah blah.
I questioned them & he began a story about comforting her when her cat died. I asked why he kept these messages, he said he thought they were nice. I probed further, he's having an EA with this woman, says they haven't had sex but that he has wanted to. (When I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, he said he doesn't want to say it in front of me, I demanded to know & he said yes he does) He's not kissed her but could have. She's married with children also. He deletes her texts & his texts to her. He says he's not sure if he loves her, which I believe to mean he does. He says we've been living separate lives for ages & it's not worth trying to change. He won't stop seeing her or going to the gym that she goes to. He won't try to take our daughter away from me, and will let me live in the house, he will continue to support me. In other words he made up his mind before now about leaving me.
I've been awake all night with baby, I feel sick & utterly shellshocked. I was distant with him because he spent all his time away from me, I didn't think he'd really be having an affair. There's no going back now. How on earth am I going to carry on, I'm going to be a single mother, with no money, no life. My poor little girl

Oh Crushed, please stop texting him, he is treating you so coldly, don't pour your heart out to someone who doesn't deserve to know how you feel anymore. Can you give your phone to your mum to monitor any important messages/calls?

As for the OW, if she is human she will have to carry what she's helped to cause and it will affect her in some way, if not, well quite frankly they deserve eachother.

You on the other hand are a lovely person with a big heart and I have trouble believing that a person like you will not end up being very happy and much loved by someone who actually deserves a loving person like you.

Thank you. I'm getting used to the idea of being alone for a while, DD needs all of me right now. Just the middle of the night I feel sad & unloved. I've never really been without anyone & my self esteem is rock bottom, I'm hoping once I'm back in my home & being independent I'll begin to love myself again.
I feel like I want revenge, he's hoping I'll just get on with life & leave him alone, I think that's why I feel like texting him all the time. He wants us to be mates! Lol

OK, so you've made your last ditch attempt to get him back. Now you know you've done everything possible and he is not moved. That's fine, then. Now that you know, it's time to put on your dignity and retreat into silence. No texting, no phone calls, no 'drive-bys'. Your best tools now are silence and a good solicitor.

Put nothing in writing, not even texts, as far as financials go, but do save any he sends. Agree to nothing now. You are still vulnerable to wanting to 'please him'. If you feel you must reply, text 'I'll take it under advisement' or 'I will relay this to my solicitor'.

What you are feeling is natural. There will be highs and lows. It's hard to try not to invest anger in the OW, but she isn't worth your time. She really isn't worth anyone's time!

If you want to make a symbolic gesture, well, Bonfire Night is coming up & effigies get burned, right? I'm in the US so no 'Guys' for us but my BFF got a 'voodoo doll' of her ex soon after they split and we spent a night gleefully sticking pins in it (ok, much wine was involved) and then we burned it in her fireplace!

A friend would have much more regard for you than he has shown, what a joke.

Radio silence from you would not be 'giving him what he wants'. What he wants is to run off into the sunset with OW whilst maintaining pleasant relations with you. Do not ease his guilt by playing into his hands. Go cold on him. He is nothing to you now. He is your DDs biological father and that is all. Treat him for what he is a vile slug.

You're at rock bottom now, only one way you can go from there.

Thanks! Yes I agree cold shoulder time, laughably he started his business like text this morning with 'hi how are you both' his wife & his daughter & that's what we get! I say that to the postman!
I shan't tell him about DD unless he asks specifically, I really think he's not all that bothered anyway.
I've started regular exercise which really seems to be helping, making the most of the live in babysitters while I can!
Decided I'd try & focus on making Christmas special for DD, give me something to consume my time with. I don't really know what activities I can do with a 2 month old.

Concentrate on you and your little one and sod him.

When they leave for the OW they turn into people you don't know.

My stbxh is not my friend anymore. It's a hard lesson to learn.

Sending support.

Crushed, you start making memories and christmas traditions with your daughter. Take photos. Buy her a special tree ornament. Sing and play her christmas songs. Take her to decorated and lit up places and watch her stare at the lights. You and your girl are going to be great. Well done on the exercise. Good for body and mind.

The two faced friends are now coming to light, as if I needed more hurt
Apparantly my ex wasn't happy in our relationship so what was he to do??
Erm, tell me! Not cheat! My God, whoever can sympathise with him has no heart surely not when they know both sides, my world has fallen apart but it's ok because he wasn't happy...

This sounds exactly like what happened to me. The baby was 3 weeks old (three weeks and one day but who is counting?) when my ex husband said he was leaving. He didn't confess to the affair at the time though, that took some time to surface.

I am 16 years further on and it was a tough journey but I am very happy and have been for several years. My friends helped me through and I have an incredible relationship with my son. I get on so well with a teenage son, he does chores, he is thriving at school with excellent reports and grades and is excelling at his chosen sport. We also laugh and do stuff together.

No matter what happens, please do not use your child as a weapon. The amount of people who withhold contact or do something to get at the ex husband forget that there is an innocent child being affected. Do not worry about the effect of your actions on your (ex) husband, but in everything you do, consider how it affects your child. In the future your ex may resent you but who cares, but don't get into that with your child.

It will be extremely tough and painful but you will get through and life will be good again. My paragraph above regarding my relationship with my son I think is my reward for not using him as a weapon, withholding contact etc. he has a good relationship with his dad, but an excellent one with me.

Just to clarify, the child maintenance was a pittance but I earn well so I was able to rise above this. I accept this is not a situation a lot of people are in, the maintenance is critical for many and the worry for money is another dimension.

Anyhow, I am now rambling. Just wanted to say hello from someone who found themselves in exactly the same situation, even the timing, and has come through it, stronger and happier.

Thank you.
My child's father has shown no interest in her, there is no fight in him to see her. I believe it is a relief to him not to be a full time father.
I suppose time will tell but I am not going out of my way to bring them together, if he wants to be in her life, he should step up.

Christ, I can't stop thinking I must be lacking something, I wasn't good enough. I feel like the most boring person on the planet & hate the way I look, I wear glasses, she doesn't, I'm brunette, she's blonde, I'm short & fat she's tall & slim, I just look so tired & plain.
Everyone says to stop saying it but I just can't stop, I feel like I hate myself for being such an idiot, so naive & trusting.
I assume this is how everyone feels when they've been left for someone else & I know there's nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I just so wish he hadn't cheated, just to have said he wasn't happy & left for that reason, but this. She has that thing that makes him tick & I don't, what if I don't make anyone tick. I don't feel like I've got anything good about me.

No, HE is lacking everything!! Ethics, morals, judgement, honour, taste, gratitude, empathy, I could go on and on.

You lack nothing. You are loving, caring, honourable, faithful, considerate, lovely, trustworthy, empathetic, again I could go on and on.

I know it's hard to stop. But next time try and focus on what he doesn't have. I'm sure you can think of lots of things that he lacks.

As far as OW, what is to be said about a married woman who cheats? She could be as beautiful as Venus outside, but she is ugly as Medusa inside. She isn't worth your time. Neither of them are.

No, it isn't you!! I've seen men leave beautiful women for someone quite overweight and plain in the face! And most fathers would be over the moon with their firstborn, especially so soon after the birth. Sure, they'd be sleepless, but they wouldn't dream of leaving the baby and mom! HE is the one lacking; not you at all. In 5 years when you tell someone the story of what has happened while you were pregnant and so soon after the little one's birth, people will practically fall over to hear what he's done.

You're not lacking in anything sweetheart. He's the shallow one with no balls!

You'd be surprised at how friends change.
There is no justification for how he behaved and if friends are standing up for him they're not friends you need.

My stbxh's family turned against me and he was the one that left me and their two grandchildren for the OW.

However, people that I was never that close to before have given me support and I have also made some new friends (at counselling). My neighbours have also been very kind.

Maybe it's exciting for him to be with someone with no morals, boundaries or ethics? But what about when the excitement wears off? The illicitness of the affair must already be wearing off, what with you knowing everything now. It's really pathetic and it will most certainly bite him in the arse somewhere down the line.

You on the other hand will come out smelling of roses. You are innocent, good and kind. That is why you are struggling to understand why this has happened and are looking within. Sweetie, some people are just bad, there's no rationalising their behaviour. They do these things simply because they are capable of them. A good man would not have had an affair, regardless of whether you were 'good enough' for him or not.

She may be tall, blonde and slim but she's saddled with a bloke who will cheat on his pregnant/ just given birth wife. History repeats itself and she needs a big egg timer.

Crushed there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who brings a baby into the world then places him/her in the father's arms.
If your DH is too shallow to see that, then he is the one with the problem, not you.
Naturally, you have just given birth, you should be cocooned in a warm bubble caring for your baby.
Naturally he should be providing for you, protecting you, watching over you.
Not p!ssing off with the 1st piece of skirt who passes by.

He's the ugly one with the serious problem op, not you

Hello love - can you please do me a favour?

Stop beating yourself up.

'Tis all I'm asking.

I can look at her picture and exclaim:

Her farts smell worse than yours.

She sharts.

She has halitosis.
She has BO.
She's a nasty, mardy, moody, irrational husband-thumping kind of woman.

How would you know any of these things are true from a picture?

So don't assume she's woman perfection either!

A picture does not tell a thousand words - it merely inspires a 1,000 ideas.

Please, therefore, start liking yourself.

And take it from there.

WWK

She might be slim, tall and blonde but she's also capable of cheating, like he did. Capable of hurting the one person that she promised to love and cherish.

She's not all that.

You didn't cheat, you're being an incredible mother. You're strong and brave and dealing with this head on. You may have asked for him back (I think that's probably very normal by the way) but you're also managing this; you're dealing with solicitors and finance. You're taking care of your health so that you can care for your daughter. It would be so much easier for you to bury your head in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening but you're not doing that, you're doing everything to legally and financially protect yourself and your daughter.

He's shit but you're strong. You're going to come out of this on top. You're already a far more impressive person than both of them put together.

Thank you for your replies, you all speak so much sense, it's really helpful. I just need to be stronger, looking them up online is like an addiction, needless to say I haven't liked what I've seen.
Part of me wonders how they can be so insensitive, but I already know, they aren't decent people. They say one thing but mean another, their own satisfaction is all that matters.
I knew he had an addiction to showing off on Facebook and of course halloween was going to be the perfect opportunity.
If he was sad & lonely & miserable it might make it easier but he's so happy, her friends imply online about the great sex they're having & he's so much happier than I ever made him.
No mention of DD either. He doesn't care about her.
I'm full of cold & haven't had much sleep so feeling pretty miserable, I'm so lucky DD is such a good quiet baby. Only there's a part of me I'm really ashamed of, I can't help thinking if I didn't have her I could go out & meet someone & be happy again. What a vile thing to think, she's the most wonderful person in my life, I should cherish every second with her. I hate myself for having these thoughts, makes me just as selfish as he is.

Please try and stay off Facebook or block them and or mutual acquaintances
I'm not on Facebook , stick with mumsnet
I'm a firm believer in karma, they will never find what they are looking for
You will !
Your baby daughters love is all you need, I have three dds and they are a joy
Stay strong and keep excersing and keep focusing on yourself and how great you are :)

Awful thoughts creep up on all of us. The difference between good people and shit people is what you choose to act on. You're doing your absolute best for your DD and you should be so proud of yourself. I don't believe for one second that you would be dealing with this any better without having had her - she is a great source of love and strength for you right now. Try to concentrate on that because it is a million times more important than what your cheating ex is posting on a social networking website.

And don't think that you will never find love again. You will! But for now you need to heal and take care of yourself and your baby. Love will find you when the time is right for both of you.

I really don't see how I'm ever going to get over this to trust anyone ever again. I teally thought when I had a baby I'd be wrapped up in love with a man who was so proud of me & over joyed to have a little child to love & raise. No sitting at home sobbing imagining him shagging someone else with a big grin on his face. And her, she told me she hated herself, remembered how precious it was when you had a baby & yet her actions show the opposite, she doesn't care. Of course she doesn't. I'm an idiot to think she would, he just seems to think I'll meet someone straight away, get over it & invite him round to play happy daddy whenever is convenient for him.