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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

3wo baby & husband fessed up

263 replies

Crushed2914 · 20/09/2014 06:39

I had a baby 3 weeks ago, traumatic birth husband distant not supportive but loves baby.
Things have been distant between us for some time, he spends most of his free time at the gym, thought things would change once baby was here but no.
He's always been over protective of his phone, but last night I asked for it to download pictures of our LG.
I found screen shots of sickly messages from another woman, Instagram photos of true love quotes, things like I can't be with you all the time but you are the love of my life, and stuff about having such a strong connection, we finish each other's sentences blah blah blah.
I questioned them & he began a story about comforting her when her cat died. I asked why he kept these messages, he said he thought they were nice. I probed further, he's having an EA with this woman, says they haven't had sex but that he has wanted to. (When I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, he said he doesn't want to say it in front of me, I demanded to know & he said yes he does) He's not kissed her but could have. She's married with children also. He deletes her texts & his texts to her. He says he's not sure if he loves her, which I believe to mean he does. He says we've been living separate lives for ages & it's not worth trying to change. He won't stop seeing her or going to the gym that she goes to. He won't try to take our daughter away from me, and will let me live in the house, he will continue to support me. In other words he made up his mind before now about leaving me.
I've been awake all night with baby, I feel sick & utterly shellshocked. I was distant with him because he spent all his time away from me, I didn't think he'd really be having an affair. There's no going back now. How on earth am I going to carry on, I'm going to be a single mother, with no money, no life. My poor little girl

OP posts:
demoska1 · 26/11/2014 09:01

Do what is right for you but always follow the "safe date" code such as meet in public places, tel a close friend and if possible give them the info of the dater. Ring your friend to let them know you are home etc. Don't give him your address etc until you are 100% sure and don't spend the evening talking about your shit ex! Dress up and enjoy! (But keep safe)

Crushed2914 · 26/11/2014 09:27

Thank you, we're just going for coffee in a shop, my parents know. It was mums idea!

OP posts:
DHandhisghastlyhauntedfoot · 26/11/2014 11:39

I don't see why you shouldn't go. You're not obliged to take it any further than this one date. Don't give him your address and get a cheap PAYG phone and give him that number instead of your real one. Above all just look at it as a fun experiment, nothing more! Smile

WellWhoKnew · 28/11/2014 03:35

Go! (And then come back and give us all the sordid details). You are allowed to have fun and do things. I think your mum is a very wise woman by the way.

Learn not to let things escalate. Or let things escalate, after all, you might want to see how things are functioning down there! But whatever you decide, YOU decide!

demoska1 · 29/11/2014 16:23

Hoping your date night is still on...good luck!

Crushed2914 · 29/11/2014 18:16

Thank you. I'm going out with friends tonight & going to meet him out! Oh god, I'm scared! I'm not sure I fancy him, but he's really easy to talk to (& flirt with) looks aren't everything are they?!

OP posts:
LittleMouseontheDairy · 29/11/2014 19:39

I became a single mother when DS was 18 months old, immediately went on a dating site (relationship was over a while before it became 'technically over' and I wanted to reassure myself there were single people out there).
Quite quickly started emailing a nice man who wasn't my usual type...
Met him for a Sunday lunch in full expectation of a nice lunch with a nice man but nothing else...
We are now engaged Grin
And he, from day one, knew about DS and is amazing with him.
Good luck! I know it's utterly daunting at the start but you absolutely can find love with a decent man. And - more importantly - you can have a better life without a man who will walk out on his wife and young baby. You are everything to your baby and you are an amazing mother. You are being brave and you are already looking forward by having a coffee date. Whether or not anything comes of it it's about you moving on from a place where you are thinking about your ex and the past.
Flowers

DHandhisghastlyhauntedfoot · 30/11/2014 01:35

How did the date go?

FrancesNiadova · 30/11/2014 08:34

Good luck today crushed. Just go & enjoy being yourself for an hour or two Flowers

Crushed2914 · 30/11/2014 17:13

Well he's a perfectly decent man, we'd been texting all week & I saw him out last night, and again for coffee today. I don't feel a spark, even though on paper he'd be perfect, and today while talking I teared up. I'm not at all ready for this, I don't want anyone. I had to let him down just now very gently, I know he liked me. He was very gracious but I feel very bad about it.
Silly girl Sad

OP posts:
FrancesNiadova · 30/11/2014 17:24

You shouldn't feel very bad. You've done exactly the right thing. You've gone on a date, decided that you're not ready yet & have let him know. You've not strung him along, you've been very honest. Be proud of yourself crushed! Wine

Crushed2914 · 30/11/2014 17:53

I went to bed with him last night. That's what I feel bad about. I'd had a drink & it seemed a good idea at the time. Stupid! I don't do things like that.
I've deleted my online profile.

OP posts:
demoska1 · 30/11/2014 19:02

Don't feel down...it's all part of the healing process and one of life's experiences.
Take a deep breath, hold your head up high and keep focused on what you need to do now to get back on track.
You never know what's round the corner and there is no harm in keeping this guy as a friend for now...you never know when you might need a man!?!

TinyWishes · 30/11/2014 23:21

Crushed your aloud to let your hair down and have some fun!

Don't beat yourself up about it. he may not be Mr Right but you could probably do with Mr Right now... Some company...dinner dates... it'll help you heal. you don't have to declare your love for him (yet)
Smile
Wine

How are you feeling? You feeling more focused and positive ? I think you have done brilliantly x

Crushed2914 · 01/12/2014 14:28

Thank you! Yes I am actually, it has helped my self confidence. I took the lead, which was unheard of and felt quite...sexy! lol He was also very generous in bed (ahem) which made a lovely refreshing change!
He did text back to say that perhaps we could try again further in the future which was nice. I think I'll wait until after xmas and new year to see how I feel then. He didn't mind at all that I had a baby. That meant a lot, I assumed no one would be interested.

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 01/12/2014 14:37

He sounds nice,(and pretty decent in bed!) I think you shouldtext him back and say you would definitely like to stay friends, and maybe meet up for a coffee around Christmas time...

FrancesNiadova · 01/12/2014 15:38

Way to go! You enjoyed yourself, he enjoyed himself, where's the problem? Wine

SlimJiminy · 01/12/2014 19:05

I've just read your entire thread and my God, you are incredible. You're invincible woman!!! Keep ploughing on day by day because you're making such great progress - whether you can see it yet or not, you really are doing so well.

I have 2 friends who've been in your shoes (both with newborn babies).

Friend 1: a single mum since day 1. Her DD is now a beautiful, smart, hilarious 8YO. They're partners in crime and it's wonderful to see, it really is. Friend has had the odd casual fling over the years but has only recently met her 'serious' boyfriend (i.e. they've now met each other's kids, families, etc). Until this year, friend has spent her time raising her DD, focusing on her career, spending time with friends/family/new hobbies and - importantly - keeping her expectations high when it came to blokes being good enough to settle down with. Took her 8 years to find someone worthwhile.

Friend 2: also a single mum since day 1. Ex cheated and left her for OW. She had her first date with someone while she was pregnant. A confidence boost, but decided she wasn't ready so deleted her online profile and left it a while. Met someone else when her DD was a couple of months old and he is now all her DS knows as 'daddy' (ex didn't want to know) her and DP have been together for a few years now and he's a great dad. He's proof that any nugget with working sperm can father a child, but it takes a real man to actually step up and be a dad.

Both of the above scenarios have resulted in happy, healthy babies/children and happy mummies. Take your time. Don't feel as though you need to find a new father figure for your DD urgently. You're already providing her with everything she needs. You don't need a man and it is absolutely fine to focus on your baby/job/whatever without actively dating if you're not ready for that yet. It's also fine to shag date as many blokes you like on the road to recovery ;)

TinyWishes · 01/12/2014 20:29

Ah you go girl! Arrange for a coffee or an early dinner. I'm sure your mum won't mind looking after DD. You deserve it. If someone wants to treat you right-let them. You have a lot of love to give - new year, new baby, new man. Bliss! X

Crushed2914 · 01/12/2014 22:06

Thank you. I don't feel very incredible but it's nice to be told it! I text him back & was honest (about what's happened, not knowing if I was ready but also that he's been on my mind etc. etc) I don't know what I want him to say but figured honesty was the best policy. He's not replied so I reckon I scared him off! Lol oh well. At least I know I've still got something.

OP posts:
TinyWishes · 04/12/2014 19:56

Well, I think you've done the hardest step - getting back out there in the saddle! (Lol)

Hope your feeling better and more positive. Bet your LO has been keeping you busy too Smile how is she getting on

WellWhoKnew · 04/12/2014 21:49

jealous but thrilled for you! Keep working on that self-esteem.

Hope the LO is thriving too.

Crushed2914 · 05/12/2014 04:07

Thank you, but yesterday turned out to be a mondo shitty day, I can't keep up Sad
The ons text back basically saying thanks but no thanks (in the politest possible way) now left me feeling like I could have missed something good (& also a bit cheap)
Ex text to ask about DD (she had a hospital appt on weds) he said he'd bought her clothes, I got upset because I'd heard from him, even though I've been moaning he's not asked about her.
I got the clothes he bought yesterday, they're so cute & what I would have picked, again made me cry, then I learned that FIL wants me to go on holiday with them in Feb, WITH ex & I suppose play happy families, then my boss emails putting pressure on me to make a decision about work, even though I'm not due back till May. I'm not even back in my house yet so no idea what the state of my finances will be. I don't really want to go back to that job but might not have much of a choice.
Bloody hell, temporary high, crashing low

OP posts:
demoska1 · 05/12/2014 07:21

I feel for you.
Things happen for a reason, good and bad. You are certainly having your share at the moment.
Remember how far you have come and give yourself the credit you deserve.
Think of yourself and do what YOU want from now on. You don't need to make any rash decisions about holidays, work, dating etc. try and concentrate on the here and now and getting back into your home.
Once you are in your own surroundings you can make some choices...until then try not to overload yourself and just enjoy being a good mum to your baby.

iloverunning36 · 05/12/2014 10:04

Aw I hope today is a better day. Flowers