3wo baby & husband fessed up

[Crushed2914]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago, traumatic birth husband distant not supportive but loves baby.
Things have been distant between us for some time, he spends most of his free time at the gym, thought things would change once baby was here but no.
He's always been over protective of his phone, but last night I asked for it to download pictures of our LG.
I found screen shots of sickly messages from another woman, Instagram photos of true love quotes, things like I can't be with you all the time but you are the love of my life, and stuff about having such a strong connection, we finish each other's sentences blah blah blah.
I questioned them & he began a story about comforting her when her cat died. I asked why he kept these messages, he said he thought they were nice. I probed further, he's having an EA with this woman, says they haven't had sex but that he has wanted to. (When I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, he said he doesn't want to say it in front of me, I demanded to know & he said yes he does) He's not kissed her but could have. She's married with children also. He deletes her texts & his texts to her. He says he's not sure if he loves her, which I believe to mean he does. He says we've been living separate lives for ages & it's not worth trying to change. He won't stop seeing her or going to the gym that she goes to. He won't try to take our daughter away from me, and will let me live in the house, he will continue to support me. In other words he made up his mind before now about leaving me.
I've been awake all night with baby, I feel sick & utterly shellshocked. I was distant with him because he spent all his time away from me, I didn't think he'd really be having an affair. There's no going back now. How on earth am I going to carry on, I'm going to be a single mother, with no money, no life. My poor little girl

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

xx

I'd also suggest he's sleeping with this woman from the gym. But you need to focus on you, you can do this. It doesnt sound like he's been much support to you before, so you have been doing it on your own anyway. If you can go and stay at your mums and let her give you a hand would that help give you some time to think for a few days/weeks?

Thanks again. I'm angry today. Fuming in fact. I've told more friends, I wasn't going to, actually wanted to protect him, but fuck it. People should know what a despicable man he is. He'll probably try to lie his way out of looking awful anyway, he's a good liar.
I text him last night just to say I was staying with my parents, I need him to look after the dogs. I'm so worried he won't. If I hadnt have text him I wouldn't have heard from him. He asked how we both were, said he could give me some money & was sorry it had come to this! Sorry my arse! He'll be relieved, he can now live the single life he's wanted so badly, he can be a weekend dad & not have the hard work to do & can sow his wild oats with any skank who will buy into his crap. He's nothing but a cruel, selfish, narcissistic waste of space.

God what a selfish bastard. Sorry u r going through this. You will pull through and b ok.

So sorry, I've become friends with Chocoraisin during her journey and I can tell you, hand on heart, she is in a much better place now. You will get there.

On a practical note phone Child Tax Credits too. You can get Working TC on maternity leave if you aren't getting them already. www.gov.uk/tax-credits-if-you-have-baby

Can't u stay in house with dogs and he lives with his dad?

One of our dogs is too much for me, there's only him that can walk him, also my mum has two dogs & they don't get along so we can't all live together. I don't want to be on my own & mum needs to be here for work.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this at such a difficult time. You will get through this though. I left DS's father (violent alcoholic) when DS was 3 months old and my father insisted I left my dogs, which was heartbreaking but really my only option. I bought a car and spent a few months drifting around the country visiting family, so my ex couldn't find me (he threatened to kill us). Once I settled in a cottage with DS it was surprisingly easy - I only had to concentrate on us. 12 years on I am now remarried with two gorgeous stepchildren and living a life that is so unbelievably removed from what it was back then.
Concentrate on the positive stuff, try not to linger on the negatives and be kind to yourself. Expect nothing from your H and then you will never feel let down by him. Good luck

What information will a solicitor need? We don't have joint accounts, his money has always been his. We have a mortgage together. He pays for most things. He pays the mortgage, rates, water, gas/electric, He's always been the higher earner.

It doesn't matter whose name the accounts are in, it is all considered family money and will need to be taken into account for the divorce. Just gather as much financial info asyou can - wage slips, P60s, bank statements, mortgage statements, pension statements, etc.

Anything either of you owns, such as property, savings, pensions etc is considered a marital asset.

It is likely that you will be awarded the house to stay (if that is what you want) in until your baby is 18 or you remarry., His name will have to stay on the mortgage but he will have no right to use the property during that time. When you sell the house the equity will be split then. You may well get more than 50% of the equity depending on his pensions etc.

Don't rush into anything but do see a solicitor as soon as you possibly can. You will feel so much stronger once you have done this I promise you.

As far as child maintenance goes he will have to pay 15% of his take home pay for DD. He may also have to pay spousal maintenance depending on your relevant earnings and situations. A solicitor will be able to advise you and you can consider your options from there.

How fucking generous of him to say he will let me live in the house you have just given birth to his child!!

I would also be straight on the phone to the OW husband.

Oh, and be prepared that once it sinks in that OW isn't leaving her husband, and that he will be at a huge loss financially and living in his dads spare room, he decides "It has all been a terrible mistake." but he intends to secretly carry on seeing OW behind your back anyway........

sounds horrible. sorry you found out about this after having a baby 3 weeks ago, too.

your LO should be your main priority now - focus your energy and love into her instead of thinking about that arse your ex-partner

Ok it's getting tricky now. One minute I'm sad, then angry, then pathetic, then thinking i still love him what am I doing? Urgh.
He's asked to see our daughter. The daughter he held for 10 minutes one night after work before going to the gym, to her. I asked him to stay to help me. He told me to put her in her bouncer. He now wants to see her.
I don't know what to do. Of course I want her to know her daddy. But she's three weeks old, he knows nothing about babies, nor does his dad. They have nothing for her. I bought everything for her & it's all at my mums.
He doesn't even know how to make her formula properly.
I said he needs to spend money on her, buy all the stuff, Moses basket, bouncer, bottles, milk, clothes.
I said he can have her on his own when she is six months old & aware. But for now, she's too little, he doesn't know how to look after a newborn, he will have to see her for an hour at a time, with his dad (his sister won't see him) he can't take her home & will have to just take her for a walk in her pram. I told him he can do this next weekend. I'm terrified. What if he tries to whisk her away. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?
During pregnancy I asked him to read some baby care books, he said he hated reading and didn't bother, how can I let this man take a three week old away?
I'm seeing a solicitor on Friday, half an hour free advice, I need to be quick. What do I need to go through? Can anyone help? Do they help me work out benefits or is it just child access/splitting assets/divorce proceedings?

You're right, he doesn't sound prepared to care for a 3 week old DD.

He won't try to whisk her away. That would cramp his new freedom. Not a chance.

I don't know much about this, but I do know that you don't use the half hour to work out benefits, you can get that advice elsewhere. Also, with kindness, your lawyer is not your therapist. Don't spend your time with her or him seeking emotional support. Get the expert, specialist advice you need.

Can you take a friend, it's helpful to have some one writing stuff down whilst you listen and talk.

Awwww sweetheart.

What an awful scenario but let's look at it calmly.

You've reached rock bottom. You've heard the worst information a new mum could hear ....so from this day on the only way is up.

You're hurting. You're sad. The bottom has dropped out of your world. Youre grief stricken but you will get over this.

So many people have offered their support from a similar scenario that is so heartening and positive.

My great grandmother aged 38 was widowed when her husband died aged 39 and she was left with 8 young children, the youngest aged 5 months. The middle five had to go into the workhouse. Thank god those days are over . There's so much help available now . No one will starve and everyone will have a roof over their head.

When my cousins' s lying cheating, physically abusive husband left her with four little ones, she didn't know which was up but shortly after she met a lovely man who would lie down and die for her. He took on the four children ( two had ADHD ) and she's had a lovely life.

So listen sweetie, your life isn't over. Just the one you thought you had mapped out.

You've heard the brutal truth . Mine strung me along for months and moths...with the I don't love you like I used to routine.

Purlease...I would have much rather had had the truth right on the nose. It would have saved me many tears, hand wringing, soul wrenching I would have kicked his sorry ass to the kerb . Anyway enough of me.

Cry your tears. Love your gorgeous little bundle of joy.

You're going to make it and you're going to show him!

Course your emotions are all over. You've just had a baby and the hormones are kicking in.

Only hand your baby over to him if YOU want to.

A baby until 6 months old is still bonding with its mother. Your health visitor might support you with that one.

You cannot be forced to hand her over to him.

Always buy yourself thinking Time if you feel he's putting you under pressure.

Just tell him that you can't think straight just now, so not In a position to make any promises or decisions.

If you don't feel strong enough when you are on your own always make sure your mum, sister or friend is there.
For added strength.

Whatever happens always give yourself thinking time in your dealings with him.

Don't see him alone. Think of him as not the nice guy you married but the monster who has destroyed everything you held dear.

Now you are fighting to win it back!

He will "LET YOU" LIVE in the house?

He doesn't get a say.

Take everything now while he is willing to do the right thing through guilt as soon he will back track on everything and probably throw in he wants full custody too.

OW's husband has been in touch, says he's in as much pain as I am, she told him in Sunday after I messaged her on Facebook. She told him they have slept together once.
I'm certain the husband is trying it on with me now, leaving kisses, telling me I'm beautiful & saying he doesn't want to talk about his wife, but asking me questions about me. I'm asking questions about her because I need to know what kind of woman I've been dumped for. Urgh.

No, you don't need to know what kind of woman you've been dumped for. That's irrelevant.

Try not to shag her husband, unless you're ok with using your own body as a means of revenge.

How are you feeling OP?

I don't think I could be doing with this (her husband I mean).