Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3wo baby & husband fessed up

263 replies

Crushed2914 · 20/09/2014 06:39

I had a baby 3 weeks ago, traumatic birth husband distant not supportive but loves baby.
Things have been distant between us for some time, he spends most of his free time at the gym, thought things would change once baby was here but no.
He's always been over protective of his phone, but last night I asked for it to download pictures of our LG.
I found screen shots of sickly messages from another woman, Instagram photos of true love quotes, things like I can't be with you all the time but you are the love of my life, and stuff about having such a strong connection, we finish each other's sentences blah blah blah.
I questioned them & he began a story about comforting her when her cat died. I asked why he kept these messages, he said he thought they were nice. I probed further, he's having an EA with this woman, says they haven't had sex but that he has wanted to. (When I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, he said he doesn't want to say it in front of me, I demanded to know & he said yes he does) He's not kissed her but could have. She's married with children also. He deletes her texts & his texts to her. He says he's not sure if he loves her, which I believe to mean he does. He says we've been living separate lives for ages & it's not worth trying to change. He won't stop seeing her or going to the gym that she goes to. He won't try to take our daughter away from me, and will let me live in the house, he will continue to support me. In other words he made up his mind before now about leaving me.
I've been awake all night with baby, I feel sick & utterly shellshocked. I was distant with him because he spent all his time away from me, I didn't think he'd really be having an affair. There's no going back now. How on earth am I going to carry on, I'm going to be a single mother, with no money, no life. My poor little girl

OP posts:
Itsfab · 25/09/2014 21:17

Seems like many of this group don't know the meaning of wedding vows. Yuk at him coming on to you Hmm.

saltnpepa · 25/09/2014 21:18

He is an absolute monster and it is a cliche but you will be better off without him. This is the beginning, not the end. You have your baby to keep strong for and hold onto that for now. You will get there.

Original poster
Crushed2914 · 25/09/2014 22:33

God no I wouldn't shag anyone! I'm totally off men! Urgh! I feel so distant, I cry but there's no tears. Just rack my shoulders for a few minutes then it passes. I knew he was sleeping with her really, why couldn't he just be honest in the end. It was over anyway, he'd already hurt me beyond repair.

OP posts:
wheresthebeach · 25/09/2014 23:23

Just sending hugs...you've had lots of good advice. Get angry, get organised and get everything you can for you and your girl!

dollius · 26/09/2014 09:26

You absolutely do not have to hand over a newborn baby. Overnights away from the main carer are not recommended before 12 months old and the usual advice is short visits in the meantime to build up a bond with the non-resident parent.

Can't believe the OW's husband. You are 3 weeks postpartum FFS. What is wrong with people?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/09/2014 12:05

Does her H know you've only just had a baby?

She's dumped him and now he wants to jump your bones, talk about about vile.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/09/2014 12:20

Must be devastating but you are right not to keep your H's disgusting behaviour secret.

Keep posting if you need advice or want to vent. Real life support is invaluable. You will find strength you never knew you had.

Hope you found the consultation with the solicitor useful.

Original poster
Crushed2914 · 26/09/2014 13:18

Thank you, appointments at 3. I'm terrified. I'm just so incensed that this will cost me money & I haven't wanted any of it. I need him to admit to the sex don't I for the divorce?

OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 26/09/2014 13:23

Oh god no. Divorce does not rely on anyone admitting anything. It is also impossible to stop a divorce. If someone files for divorce, it must be granted regardless.

There have been extreme cases in court in recent years where the other party objected to the divorce. It never gets far. A person in law has a right to dissolve a marriage.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/09/2014 18:00

The only thing you need to divorce him is that you want a divorce.

Oh I could cry for you you poor woman - he sounds like an utter shit

Stay strong and agry and focused OP

Original poster
Crushed2914 · 26/09/2014 19:47

Christ that was harrowing. I stand to get nothing from the house. It's on interest only & worth less than what we bought it for. I just need to get my name off the mortgage somehow. If we try & sell it, I'll lose. If they don't let him take the mortgage on his own I'll lose. All his properties are the same but my names not on any of them.
Divorce will take between 4-6 months depending if he admits adultery. She says he should pay for it, but I'll have to pay the court fees, does that sound right?
She suggests he sees our daughter a few hours at most. Under female family supervision at my parents home. He needs to rebuild trust in order to get more time, and that I'm the main carer so this is how it is for him. She said she wouldn't allow overnight visits until she is a toddler.
Does this all sound reasonable? She said no court in the land would give him more than that given his behaviour.

OP posts:
Ahardyfool · 26/09/2014 19:54

Am I right that you said there is other property?

Annarose2014 · 26/09/2014 19:56

Well that last bit is certainly true given the age of the baby. A court would certainly favour the mother when the baby is not even weaned.

Original poster
Crushed2914 · 26/09/2014 20:52

Yes, he has 3 other houses he rents out. They are all interest only & worth nothing if sold.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed2914 · 27/09/2014 18:21

As my soon to be ex husband is making money from rentals should that be included in the child maintenance calculation, he's only telling me his (basic) salary, not including commissions (but I suppose you can't calculate commissions?)

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 27/09/2014 23:43

I think they calculate the commission element from past commission, though that may be wrong. They certainly DO calculate it in, though. AFAIK the only income not eligible for calculation is expenses, for obvious reasons. Anything else, including pension contributions and bonuses, is fair game.

I am so desperately sorry for all this. He is an utter piece of shit. You deserve all the love and support in the world with a newborn, not to be treated so despicably.

I send all the love and support in the world. You are being incredibly strong - you won't think so, but you are. To be this brave and focused with a newborn... my God, I take my hat off to you. Your baby is one lucky little girl to have you on her side.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/09/2014 03:47

"As my soon to be ex husband is making money from rentals should that be included in the child maintenance calculation?"

Yes, it's income, so it bloody-well should! It will probably be calculated as rental-income minus actual out-of-pocket expenses, which should be minimal as there are no payments being made against the capital. Even if these mortgages are interest-only they will be building up equity sooner later as property-prices increase. The matrimonial home plus ALL other assets are assets of the marriage. All savings, his pension, the lot.

Original poster
Crushed2914 · 28/09/2014 04:54

The solicitor led me to believe that he was pretty much bankrupt anyway & to cut my losses & get out, but he's making a nice living for himself charging extortionate rentals on shit properties. I just can't afford the fees to fight it.
Who can I go to to make sure he pays what our daughter deserves, will the child maintenance people chase him on my behalf or have those days gone?
I can't stand the thought of signing over my house to him & him moving that bitch in.
I'm just living off energy drinks & rage day by day. Everything's a massive challenge. Why am I doing all the leg work while he gets to carry on as if nothing's happened. The unfairness of it all is killing me.

OP posts:
hhhhhhh · 28/09/2014 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dollius · 29/09/2014 09:57

Well think of it this way. If you sign the house over to him and his OW, she will be the one who goes bankrupt with him when the property balloon bursts, rather than you.

In the meantime, you can get a portion of his income regardless.

Just get yourself out of this mess and look forward to a lovely new life with your gorgeous baby. Your twat of a husband is the one losing out, not you.

kaykayblue · 29/09/2014 13:59

I would advise using a few more free consultation sessions with different companies.

How can he be approaching bankrupt if he has three rental properties, a job, and commissions on top of that? It just doesn't make sense.

You should have proof of the adultery - he doesn't have to admit it. Send him an e-mail or something which requires him to reply accepting what he did. Then bam, that's proof.

If the OW's husband comes onto you again, make it clear to him that you are a new mother, and have no interest in having some disgusting "revenge" affair with him - that he is a grown man, and you expect nothing but absolute respect from him.

Try not to harp on too much to friends about what happened, but if anyone asks you, then tell them directly. "He has been shagging another woman. Including, incidentally, when I was at hospital with our sick baby". Then just leave it at that. That's horrific enough for you to not have to push the point.

Original poster
Crushed2914 · 29/09/2014 23:22

I don't want to see anyone so won't be harping on to anyone.
He'd be bankrupt if tomorrow the banks demanded he pay them back. He has over £10k debt on credit cards & his flash car, yet still manages to spend over £70 a month on the gym £100 per week on his 'clean' eating & god knows how much on clothes/shoes
Yet still insists to me he brings home just £270 a week & earns nothing from rentals.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushed2914 · 01/10/2014 21:34

I am really struggling to keep it together now. I'm scared if I go the doctors they might get social services involved & my husband will use it as an opportunity to cite unfit mother. I'm paranoid about everything. My mum is looking after my daughter more than I am. I'm useless

OP posts:
daftbesom · 01/10/2014 21:51

Hello but you are not useless, you are accessing support from your family at a difficult time and showing that your baby is your first priority.

Why would your doc get social services involved if not for your sake and the baby's? Do please speak to your doctor or your Health Visitor, they are there to help you stay healthy. You have had an awful lot thrown at you at a vulnerable time.

Thinking of you OP, Flowers for you.

statementtotheedge · 01/10/2014 21:54

You are doing well and are far from useless.

Please go to your gp. Your mum is helping with your DD, she isn't at any risk so they won't get social services involved just because you feel depressed.
He sounds like an utter shit

Sending hugs xxx