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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

3wo baby & husband fessed up

263 replies

Crushed2914 · 20/09/2014 06:39

I had a baby 3 weeks ago, traumatic birth husband distant not supportive but loves baby.
Things have been distant between us for some time, he spends most of his free time at the gym, thought things would change once baby was here but no.
He's always been over protective of his phone, but last night I asked for it to download pictures of our LG.
I found screen shots of sickly messages from another woman, Instagram photos of true love quotes, things like I can't be with you all the time but you are the love of my life, and stuff about having such a strong connection, we finish each other's sentences blah blah blah.
I questioned them & he began a story about comforting her when her cat died. I asked why he kept these messages, he said he thought they were nice. I probed further, he's having an EA with this woman, says they haven't had sex but that he has wanted to. (When I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, he said he doesn't want to say it in front of me, I demanded to know & he said yes he does) He's not kissed her but could have. She's married with children also. He deletes her texts & his texts to her. He says he's not sure if he loves her, which I believe to mean he does. He says we've been living separate lives for ages & it's not worth trying to change. He won't stop seeing her or going to the gym that she goes to. He won't try to take our daughter away from me, and will let me live in the house, he will continue to support me. In other words he made up his mind before now about leaving me.
I've been awake all night with baby, I feel sick & utterly shellshocked. I was distant with him because he spent all his time away from me, I didn't think he'd really be having an affair. There's no going back now. How on earth am I going to carry on, I'm going to be a single mother, with no money, no life. My poor little girl

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 14/10/2014 20:08

Focus on loving you and the baby for now if you can. He is utterly cruel, I think. Take care - and well done for sorting out some housing.

Spindarella · 14/10/2014 22:11

You're not pathetic. You've shown amazing strength. Your daughter will be so proud of you one day.

Crushed2914 · 19/10/2014 20:54

How the hell do you get over this? I feel like I'm losing my mind. The thought of being alone & unwanted is crushing me. I feel so ugly, I have nothing to offer. I just want to be loved. He's been seeing her since May, so let me spend £100+ on our anniversary away in June. I was so excited at the time, thought we got on really well & all the while he was with her.
I just can't stop crying.

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 19/10/2014 21:08

You need to be very gentle on yourself, take things a day at a time and put yourself and your DD first. You're not ugly, you're a wonderful, kind, caring woman with a new baby and an exP who has treated you appallingly. He doesn't deserve you. Don't put yourself down OP, your little girl needs you to be strong for her. In time he'll realise what he's lost.

WellWhoKnew · 19/10/2014 21:34

You 'don't get over it' in a day - so don't expect to. Expect to be crap for quite some time, and forgive yourself for it. Anyone who tells you to 'get over it' or there's 'plenty more fish in the sea' bollocks needs to be told to do a running jump.

Yes, all of us suddenly abandoned ask "Am I going mad?"

But just at some point in the future, you'll just relax for five minutes. That's it.

Then a few weeks later, you'll relax for ten minutes.

A few weeks later, you'll relax for fifteen minutes.

And slowly, you find yourself relaxed for a day or two.

And that become your new normal.

Not happy, but not the pit of despair that is your current right now.

But it's a horrific time, and therefore, be angry, cry, fall apart, leave the housework, go out if you can, wallow if you can't. Because, just like being run over by a bus, your body will slowly heal. So will your mind.

My lovely SHL said to me on Friday - it'll be 18 months before you start to feel human again. She's not only a divorced specialist, but also a woman who divorced a controlling bastard. I believe her on this matter.

I really, really hated people calling me strong because I was a snotty dribbling wreck of a human being at the time. I still cry here and there; and because of the stage of divorce I'm in, cried a lot this week.

Doesn't make me weak though. Just means I'm sad and scared. 'Tis all.

But, I'll concede that we are a bloody stronger than we realise! I can tell you, despite that I whilst survey the wreck of my life at the moment, I can now pat myself on the back: I got this far, the worst is over, but it's a while before anything good comes of it.

And I'm okay with that.

I promise you - you won't feel the way you do tonight forever. But there's no magic wand to hurry the process along.

But, please, forgive yourself for feeling so distraught. It's really okay to be a pitiful wreck given the circumstances.

Take care.

Drumdrum60 · 19/10/2014 21:39

Stop putting yourself down and bothering what he thinks it's so not worth it . Who's bothered what they look like just after a baby ? You are young and have many years ahead of you to shine and be happy but for now you're job is that new baby. Put all your energy into that and you will regain your self esteem.

Stop making a fool of yourself by texting him. I would go NC.

Drumdrum60 · 19/10/2014 21:42

WWK you are so eloquent. That's what I meant really. Take care OP thinking of you.

Crushed2914 · 26/10/2014 04:12

In my dreams we are still together, he holds me & kisses my head like he used to a long time ago. I can't believe I've lost that man. I still love him despite everything I can't switch it off, 11 years of love. My mind tortures me with images of the two of them, I don't know how to stop it, especially in the middle of the night

OP posts:
Mouldypineapple · 26/10/2014 04:44

Just take it one day at a time. It's natural to feel this pain. You are also physically recovering from major surgery and a lot of life changes.
Slowly, slowly... You will get stronger each day.

WellWhoKnew · 26/10/2014 06:32

Of course, you can't switch off your imagination or your feelings. But in time, they will start to fade, and your perspective of him will change.

For example: You didn't lose that man. He fucked off. So he's not a prize to be held up, but a coward who runs away.

You see a side to him that is very lovable. That's the man you married. There's also a side to him that is incredibly hurtful, selfish and insensitive. That's the twat you're divorcing.

It takes a long time to come to terms with all of that. In the interim, just cry and cry and cry.

Please don't beat yourself up. This really is about him, not you. You focus on you and the baby.

stupidlittlegirl · 26/10/2014 06:48

X

Crushed2914 · 26/10/2014 21:41

Thank you wellwhoknew you speak such good advice.
I'm afraid I made a total tit of myself this weekend, begging him to reconsider, apologising for not being what he wanted, telling him I'd do anything to change for him, I even drove past my house & went nuts when I saw a car parked outside, turns out it was one his dad had bought.
Weekends are hell, he's off work and I know he'll be doing things with her, like walking my dogs together! Angry
I asked him if he wanted the divorce and he said it was the only way, that he couldn't be the loving loyal husband I want & he's not treated me right for ages, it's all bollocks, he's panicking because he's got someone else & wants to make sure I'm out of the picture.
I'm such an idiot, I need to stop texting him, it's like an itch that I just have to scratch, to tell him blow by blow how awful this is for me, but ultimately I know he just doesn't care.
I'm so ashamed to say my first thought in the morning is for him & not my daughter. I'm so weak, she should be my focus I'm just so exhausted with everything I'm worried she's going to be affected by all this. She might grow up angry I didn't try harder.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 26/10/2014 21:53

Your daughter is going to grow up knowing he left her too.

You have tried hard but he's made his decision. That doesn't mean you just get on with your life and 'forget about it'. You've been tremedously hurt and let down.

It's absolutely awful for you going through this. Of course, what's happening is your first thought in the morning. Don't feel guilty, it's probably because you've just had a dream about him.

Do whatever it takes to look after your health and baby. I feel so sorry for you that he has done this at this time. It is tremendously sad.

Are you BF? Or can you speak to a Dr. about anti-depressants?

Crushed2914 · 26/10/2014 22:03

I'm on antidepressants but I don't feel much different, it's been 3 weeks, is it likely to take a while longer?
I told him if it affects her in any way he will be entirely responsible, it's just knowing how to handle it as she gets older, do I tell the truth or sugar coat it so she doesn't hate him?
I so wanted a family, I feel she needs a dad, I'm so sad for her as well as me.

OP posts:
Crushed2914 · 26/10/2014 22:05

He's not asking about her or putting up much effort to see her. He must be so obsessed with this woman

OP posts:
Bobbingalongnicelyalmost · 26/10/2014 22:42

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry to read this, I could have been writing this myself 10 years ago the only difference being I had a 2 yr old and was pregnant at the time. Been together and married for a long time. All the things you're thinking and feeling I felt too, it's a roller coaster of pain a continous wheel of emotion that has a cycle of anger, pain, sadness,weakness,strength and it will keep going round. BUT it will get better, you will come through this. I'm 10 years on and whatever I thought was not possible at the time is now here. Concentrate on bringing up your daughter and your health, try not to torture yourself with what your husband is doing or happy he is...believe me it will not all be rosy for him.
Do not let any one make you feel inferior.
Don't latch on to the first guy that shows you some attention as it makes you feel loved again. I made this mistake and it just adds to the misery.
Invest time in yourself and your daughter.
You will be happy again but it will take time. 5 years after my world blew apart and I felt happy on my own with my children and certainly wasn't looking for a relationship I met my now lovely honest husband.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 26/10/2014 23:09

crushed, don't blame yourself for this weekend's stuff. its all going to be ok but it can't feel like that yet. your daughter will be fine with you. don't sugar-coat, but give her information as she's ready. my ex and I split when daughter was four - I told her daddy had a girlfriend and that isn't allowed if you're married, so we couldn't be married anymore.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2014 23:56

Oh love, you've had the worst thing happen to you that can happen to a woman. You've been blindsided, and at the worst possible time. As hard as it is, try not to dwell on him and OW. It does no good and only drags you down. Focus on one single day at a time. Let the future take care of itself.

It will take time, a lot of time, but you will be happy again. You just have to give yourself a break. Remember, it's NOT you, it's HIM. HE did this, you did nothing wrong. All you did was love the wrong man. Now just let those who love you take care of you. Try to rest and heal. Think about your home, how it will look just like you always wanted it to. And that it will be a home filled with love and peace for you and your little darling, not deception and dishonesty. And, in time, you will smile and laugh and find love again.

As far as practical things, I'd suggest you see a different solicitor for a second opinion. I'm not sure any solicitor worth his/her salt would advise someone to 'cut their losses' and to expect to end up with nothing after just a 30 minute consult. It sounds to me as if your husband has significant assets (even if some of them aren't worth much right now) and income.

Crushed2914 · 27/10/2014 15:56

Thanks everyone, you are all so kind & it's really helping reading your replies & happy endings.
I decided to deactivate my FB, I just kept looking & looking, making sure he hasn't deleted my photos, checking her profile. It was making me crazy. I want to go back eventually because I like showing off DD, so can't delete for good.
I feel good today, I have good friends who are helping me, always checking on me, trying to motivate me. I'm losing weight bit by bit, DD makes me laugh every day & today I actually looked in the mirror & thought I looked...ok!
I hope this lasts, I'm sure it's the roller coaster like was mentioned before, but I'll take it. I think I deserve a good day!

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 27/10/2014 16:46

I'm so happy to read your last post. It is a roller coaster but you will find that the good days outweigh the bad... eventually. If only there was the magic wand... I too struggle with the thought I have no one and get angry that he got the 'happy ever after'. What keeps me going is the hope that it all goes tits up for him. And if it doesn't. .. well I am sure by then (whenever 'then' may be) I won't give a shit. Because I do know that I will recover. You will too.

DHandhisghastlyhauntedfoot · 28/10/2014 10:45

Thinking of you Crushed. That was a huge step tearing yourself away from FB and deactivating, you're showing so much strength and resilience. Keep looking after yourself as much as you can. If you can't stomach big meals try to nibble on snacks often. Herbal teas might go down quite easily as well. You will come out of this stronger. Have you had the urge to text wankbadger him recently?

DHandhisghastlyhauntedfoot · 28/10/2014 10:46

That was supposed to be a strike out on wankbadger, sorry OP.

Guess even my phone wanted to stress the point. Grin

Azurea · 28/10/2014 11:29

You're amazing!

You gave birth not ago, you're a new mum and you've had your entire world ripped apart but you're still getting up and getting on with it. You're allowed to be devestated.

My ex cheated on me when I was pregnant, I fell apart completely begged him to stay, I felt so vulnerable and would have put up with anything just for him to stay with me which he did but he was awful to me, ended up getting very violent and I left him when my baby was very little and I completely understand how you're feeling. My daughter is now 20 months old and I'm SO much happier!

Crushed2914 · 28/10/2014 12:21

I'm afraid I did make an tit of myself at the weekend, begging him to reconsider, telling him I'd change. My letter had come from the solicitors about the divorce & I just felt so utterly miserable about it, he replied once to say basically it's not you it's me & divorce is the only way, blah, blah, blah. It's bullshit he's panicking I won't get the divorce & he won't be free to do whatever it is he's thinking of doing with this woman.
Anyway I bombarded him with pathetic snivelling texts which he never replied too.
So I'll stop now, it's ridiculous & not making me feel any better. He has no guilt, no remorse. He's inhuman.
Anyway we've just text to sort out some of the financials, I will be consulting a better solicitor!
Not feeling as perky today, I can't stop myself obsessing about this woman & wanting her to suffer. It's not healthy but I can't help it!
Anyway had DD weighed today, she's doing very nicely so I must be doing something right at least xx

OP posts:
newstart15 · 28/10/2014 12:31

Well done, I'm in awe at how you're coping.Time us the only healer band you will heal.I raised my daughter and actually being a single mum has at times been easier.She's a young adult now and we have the most amazing relationship.You have so much to look forward to.I know it will be hard, raising a baby is hard work but it dies get better with time.

Your ex may currently obsess over the OW but that will be temporary, no doubt about that! He will also wake up soon and realise what he has lost..he will be angry and bitter.By that stage you will be coming through your dark period and life will start to feel positive.

I wish you could fast forward time but just trust that you will get through this and have a better life