emotional abuse?? How to make final leap to leave if so

[iloverunning36]

I have always been oversensitive, had low self esteem and been a people-pleaser. I tend to put others needs before my own. I have 2 children from my previous relationship and have been quite reluctant to expect my husband to parent them. We met 2.5 years ago, got married 1.5 years ago and (at his suggestion but I was willing) had a baby together 7 months ago. My problem is his verbal outbursts and general disrespectfulness towards me which I feel has got worse since the baby was born. When I try to talk to him he denies things and turns stuff back on me saying I am a “paper bag” and I need to learn to discuss things but he is not approachable frequently getting so frustrated with me that he swears at me within earshot of my children. He then improves for a short time only to revert to normal within a couple of weeks. He also says he feels like he is walking on eggshells as anything will “set me off”
The main outbursts are as follows:
Calling me a “fucking idiot” for making a mistake on my CV (I did post about this and tried to leave but he convinced me I was being silly and it was a one off – I thought maybe I was being harsh)
Calling me a miserable bitch because I was very tired and down after the baby was born (and I thought he would be more hands on)
Asking me where the fuck I had been when I was late home from work one night (this meant that every other time I rushed home to avoid him being like that again)
Going in a mood if I go to the gym or if I am going on a night out with my friends (this has resulted in me only having 2 nights out since I met him one of which he collected me from but I still go out for lunch with my friends without hassle from him so in that respect I haven’t been isolated from them)
Repeatedly telling me to fuck off and calling me a horrible thing because I said I had never seen a man take less interest in his child (I apologised after as it was a harsh thing to say but t the time he was refusing to have anything to do with bathing or putting to bed of our baby as well as rarely giving him bottles or changing his nappy so it felt like he wasn’t interested as he gets very good time off but will spend an entire day before he even picks up the baby)

Money
He insists that I put more into the joint account as I have more to pay for (food, elec and gas for my kids from previous relationship – I pay for clothes, shoes toys etc from my own money) He still complains about me buying school shoes or uniform for them so I try to hide it from him. I am in the process of being made redundant and on the way in the car he told me one of the reasons he was attracted to me was that I was in the same earnings bracket as him and we could have a nice life together. I have had to really argue my case (and only because of what was previously advised here so I have heeded some advice) about putting in less into the joint account because I am on stat pay but this month he has accepted that although he keeps going on about it.

Family
DH doesn’t like my family and in some ways he has good reason as certain of them take advantage and my mum is quite controlling. She was upset when I moved away and has attributed the return of her cancer to my falling out with my sister (she phoned me to tell me this when I was pregnant and my DH reacted to my upset by getting very drunk and telling me that he hoped she dies of cancer and I need to stand up to her – I found this very upsetting as I felt like everyone was against me) Now that my mum is dying I don’t feel I can ask for DH support as he made his feelings clear. He comments if I see them often "that's
weeks in a row you've been to visit your dad" so I feel like I have to hide or justify seeing family.

Sleep
DH as a tendency to get up very early (4 or 5am) which frequently disturbs me and once I am awake he tends to go back to bed and he has a nap most of his days off but will wake me if he feels I am sleeping too long (he once came home from work when I was pregnant at 10am in the morning and woke me up “to make sure I was achieving something” I was really angry as was so tired and it was my one chance for a lie-in as my ex had my 2 children. He said I was overreacting. I have given up trying to get a nap or a lie-in as it just doesn’t happen any more, I feel resentful that he gets so much more sleep than me when he causes me to have less sleep. Also it is always me who gets up with the baby (he has maybe got up with him about 5 times in 7 months)

Sex
When we first met sex was good and frequent. Now it is once a week if that. He has difficulties and eventually admitted to using viagra although he refuses to discuss it. He does impressions of me having sex which make me feel so low and has said that I see it as the only way of showing affection. As a result I no longer really enjoy sex that much.

Housework
DH sometimes hoovers but criticizes my hovering the rest of the time saying I don’t do it properly. He mows the lawn and is very good at DIY tasks around the home, he does them straight away.
DH has not cleaned a toilet or sink since we moved into our house 1.5 years ago (we have a cloakroom, 2 en-suites and a bathroom) Although I said in the first place I didn’t mind doing it I tried to get him to do it when I was heavily pregnant and after my c-sec but he refused on the grounds he only uses the bathrooms 10% of the time. This is despite the fact that he refuses to lift the seat so leaves little dribbles frequently and has IBS so leaves the inside of the toilet messy at least once a day.
I do all the washing/drying/ironing, initially it stemmed from me knowing that most of it was mine and my 2 kids but when I have asked my husband to be involved in doing some of it (after my c-sec and once I go back to work) he protests on the grounds that hardly any of it is his. He doesn’t like me using the tumble dryer and I have even seen him “jokingly” take stuff out of it and throw it on the floor.
As a result I use the tumble drier when he is out and panic when he comes home unexpectedly. I also have a lot less free time than him as I do the majority of the housework with the exception of cooking which he will do when he is here but generally leaves the dishes to me (he has made up the babies bottles once in 7 months and never sterilised anything)

Sorry this is so garbled, I am so confused and don’t know if it is just me being oversensitive. I have tried 3 times to leave, I have packed my bags but he somehow persuaded me every time that I was being silly/I’d regret leaving/I overreact to stuff. Afterwards I was disappointed in myself. I feel like I am 90% on the way to knowing I should leave but what can give me that last shove?? Is this emotional abuse or is it just a clash? He always says "is your life really so terrible?"

Oh my God, my stomach is in knots for you. Please be strong, see a solicitor & make the break. How does he get on with your 2 children, what will happen to them as they grow older, will he try to control them too. You need to look at the bigger picture. X

Dear, I love running ignore above, thought I'd got to the end of the thread but hadn't. You are brave & remarkable. Be strong x

I've told him about the rental during counselling. He cried, said he felt he had been wasting his time :( so sad

Just sending you lots of luck and hope. Sometimes the misery of getting out can be overwhelming and seemingly endless. You're doing the right thing and eventually the misery will recede. Try not to let him drown you in HIS stuff

I actually feel ok at the moment. Mainly worried about him. What will be his next move. I'm a bit miffed the counsellor seemed to say I needed to communicate more, i had been trying for months to ask for him to respect me

I'm not clear - are you going to counselling WITH him? If you are that is a big mistake.

Yes I am going to counselling WITH him. The counsellor says i seem very angry and resentful although she admits he has a lot of issues and won't be drawn on whether he is self aware. She says everyone can change and she gets Xmas cards from people who were previously physically abusive to each other. She says I should be careful whose advice I listen to. I feel awful now. He keeps saying I'm casting up the past and I won't afford a rental.

iloverunning I have no qualifications in anything about this but as a furious woman on your behalf I would say now, drop this counselling immediately and get out, into the rental ... truly, this will destroy you if you hang around much longer

And of COURSE he says you won't be able to afford to live without him, rent or otherwise ... you will you will you will

Thanks tipsy trifle. I just keep worrying I'm over reacting. He makes me feel like it's all me.

Do you have your own counsellor just for you as well?

I don't think it is all you. However lets say for the sake of argument that it is all you: well the outcome is the same - you and he are incompatible, the marriage is over.

Have you told the counsellor that you don't want to be married to him any more?

If you go to see a marriage counsellor, she might reasonably believe that you two want to stay together. She's hardly going to tell you to LTB is she? She might be more useful if you tell her the truth.

I just keep worrying I'm over reacting.

How you feel is how you feel.

It doesn't matter whether someone else thinks you should feel that way or not.

If you are unhappy, you are unhappy.

You have clearly worked out that your DH's behaviour is making you unhappy. It doesn't matter one jot whether he thinks you are right to be unhappy, does it?

Making you feel like it's all you and your many faults? That's part of the abuser's script. It's "how to control 101"

Others have links to the various "scripts" and I hope one of them will be along soon to show you a link. It's part of the Plan, who cares whether conscious or not on their part, but abusers have patterns. Making You the crap one is the core of it. Manipulators are surprisingly the same, not preciously unique individuals as they would like you to believe.

Stage one of course is to destroy any of YOUR beliefs and replace them with an overdose of inferiority, crumpled self esteem .. it's like how a cult brainwashes the new recruit. Take away everything they thought they owned and give something new that absolutely depends on the cult leader. Accept the leader and fulfilment is yours.

I think you should contact Women's Aid and take advice from them. They would not advise you to seek counselling with an abuser. He will use information gained against you - he is not safe to be open and vulnerable with and you need to protect yourself. Also some counsellors are not very skilled at spotting abusers and will advise you to communicate more, be reasonable etc. This is good advice in a normal relationship but totally wrong if you are being abused - you can't be reasonable/caring with the unreasonable/selfish - they will just take advantage.

Also if you return to him he will likely up the ante to break you down even more and make it even more difficult to leave in the future. What do you do if your dog jumps the fence and makes a bid for freedom? You build a bigger fence! Don't be that trapped dog - stay free. Having said that don't beat yourself up if you return - it can take awhile - but that moment when you just think to yourself 'enough' will come. Stay on the relationship boards and keep reading. Do not tell him about it - hide your history. He IS harming you and you need to stay safe whatever you do. No or extremely low contact is the only way to go - you need to realise that. Counselling is intimate contact with him - I would stop it immediately. Go for counselling on your own and let him go on his own.

The trouble is that when you are in the relationship you don't see just how bad it is - his behaviour will have been deteriorating bit by bit and you don't notice it they way you would if it all happened at once. Abusers often start being more obvious once you have a child or are dependent on them in some way. His making fun of you sexually is already grounds for leaving - how is that not meant to seriously undermine and hurt someone? Ask yourself if YOU would do the things he does. He is grinding you down slowly till all your confidence has gone. I'm betting that you are really lovely and you don't realise it. Far from being worthless you are a beautiful unique person and he knows you deserve better than him and is trying to keep you 'locked up'. Raising your self esteem is the key to the door.

Think of your positives (supportive family etc.), do nice things for yourself, buy some nice clothes, new hairdo, speak nicely to yourself and remember that you are a role model for how your children will be in relationships - would you like a daughter to be treated like you have been? You describe yourself in a negative way in your OP that you are over sensitive, put other's needs before your own, have low self esteem but there is a positive side to these traits , i.e. caring, empathetic and not big headed. You just need to tweak these so-called negative traits a bit to make sure that they are not available to people who don't deserve it and that you have boundaries in place to keep them at a healthy level. E.g. being concerned about your abuser's health is not on. He treated you badly, you left, his problem NOT yours.

Epic post OP feel like I've written a book! Please contact WA and stay safe.

Just to congratulate you on your strength & bravery OP! It seems to me that your partner could exhibit some narcissist tendencies.

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism"

One day at a time OP, the more space you give yourself, the more perspective you'll gain. Follow your gut here.

Thanks all. I told him in the counselling session i had found a rental. He cried, said I'm not giving him a chance, asked how I would afford it, our babies first Christmas is ruined etc and somehow I agreed to go back. I don't want to though. I'm going to speak to him tomorrow and not allow myself to be manipulated. Tomorrow I sign the lease on the rental also and I am excited about getting settled there before Xmas (despite the fact I only have a set of bunk beds and some crockery to my name) any strength for tomorrow gratefully received. My baby has a cold and is teething so is waking up many times during the night and the older 2are being very cheeky disobedient so in my worse moments I keep thinking maybe I should go back

I'm sending you so much strength iloverunning. Please don't go back though it's understandable how it might seem easier to surrender. Sign your lease, move into your rental and have a taste of life that is not directed by someone else.

Thanks tipsy trifle, I owe you one

Tell him you felt railroaded to agree to getting back together but that it was a mistake and carry on with your plans

Thanks af

You can do this, get into your own house where you'll be safe, and be able to have a decent Christmas with you lo without worrying about having to keep the evil sod calm and happy. DONT go back, you are a strong woman who can do this, you don't need him x

I have just read your thread, and I have to say I agree with those telling you to not go back for the counselling. Go for your OWN counselling, with someone completely different!! He really does sound like the narcissistic personality described above, and he will use the counselling to manipulate the situation. You deserve respect, and you need to show your children what a good relationship looks like.

You are showing how strong you are, and you can do this.

I've just read this thread - was horrified when I read your OP and really upset for you having to deal with such horrific abuse. I was then really relieved when I saw you'd left, but now I'm desperately worried for you again. PLEASE don't move back in with him! He's a nasty, abusive, selfish arse and he'll never change. You could have a really happy life with someone who loves you and respects you - don't waste any more of your life with this prick!

Hi op

If you can push through and sign that lease and get your kids out of there, then you will have done the hardest part knowing when you shut that front door he's on a different side of it.

If you've lived with him and survived it for so long, then the next bit is a walk in the park in comparison.

Abusers don't get better or change, they adapt like all predators.

Do not go to joint counselling with an abusive man! They manipulate the counselor who then gangs up on you with them!

Read Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that?"
Lundy spent years counselling couples and concluded joint counselling when there is abuse is hopeless and actually enables the abuser to get worse. He is highly critical of inexperienced counselors who fall for the abusers side of the story. He recommends women go to counselling on their own to rebuild their self esteem.

You do NOT need to communicate more - he will use this as further ammunition to belittle you.

If you read Lundy's book you will find that your husband despises you and won't ever change.