emotional abuse?? How to make final leap to leave if so

[iloverunning36]

I have always been oversensitive, had low self esteem and been a people-pleaser. I tend to put others needs before my own. I have 2 children from my previous relationship and have been quite reluctant to expect my husband to parent them. We met 2.5 years ago, got married 1.5 years ago and (at his suggestion but I was willing) had a baby together 7 months ago. My problem is his verbal outbursts and general disrespectfulness towards me which I feel has got worse since the baby was born. When I try to talk to him he denies things and turns stuff back on me saying I am a “paper bag” and I need to learn to discuss things but he is not approachable frequently getting so frustrated with me that he swears at me within earshot of my children. He then improves for a short time only to revert to normal within a couple of weeks. He also says he feels like he is walking on eggshells as anything will “set me off”
The main outbursts are as follows:
Calling me a “fucking idiot” for making a mistake on my CV (I did post about this and tried to leave but he convinced me I was being silly and it was a one off – I thought maybe I was being harsh)
Calling me a miserable bitch because I was very tired and down after the baby was born (and I thought he would be more hands on)
Asking me where the fuck I had been when I was late home from work one night (this meant that every other time I rushed home to avoid him being like that again)
Going in a mood if I go to the gym or if I am going on a night out with my friends (this has resulted in me only having 2 nights out since I met him one of which he collected me from but I still go out for lunch with my friends without hassle from him so in that respect I haven’t been isolated from them)
Repeatedly telling me to fuck off and calling me a horrible thing because I said I had never seen a man take less interest in his child (I apologised after as it was a harsh thing to say but t the time he was refusing to have anything to do with bathing or putting to bed of our baby as well as rarely giving him bottles or changing his nappy so it felt like he wasn’t interested as he gets very good time off but will spend an entire day before he even picks up the baby)

Money
He insists that I put more into the joint account as I have more to pay for (food, elec and gas for my kids from previous relationship – I pay for clothes, shoes toys etc from my own money) He still complains about me buying school shoes or uniform for them so I try to hide it from him. I am in the process of being made redundant and on the way in the car he told me one of the reasons he was attracted to me was that I was in the same earnings bracket as him and we could have a nice life together. I have had to really argue my case (and only because of what was previously advised here so I have heeded some advice) about putting in less into the joint account because I am on stat pay but this month he has accepted that although he keeps going on about it.

Family
DH doesn’t like my family and in some ways he has good reason as certain of them take advantage and my mum is quite controlling. She was upset when I moved away and has attributed the return of her cancer to my falling out with my sister (she phoned me to tell me this when I was pregnant and my DH reacted to my upset by getting very drunk and telling me that he hoped she dies of cancer and I need to stand up to her – I found this very upsetting as I felt like everyone was against me) Now that my mum is dying I don’t feel I can ask for DH support as he made his feelings clear. He comments if I see them often "that's
weeks in a row you've been to visit your dad" so I feel like I have to hide or justify seeing family.

Sleep
DH as a tendency to get up very early (4 or 5am) which frequently disturbs me and once I am awake he tends to go back to bed and he has a nap most of his days off but will wake me if he feels I am sleeping too long (he once came home from work when I was pregnant at 10am in the morning and woke me up “to make sure I was achieving something” I was really angry as was so tired and it was my one chance for a lie-in as my ex had my 2 children. He said I was overreacting. I have given up trying to get a nap or a lie-in as it just doesn’t happen any more, I feel resentful that he gets so much more sleep than me when he causes me to have less sleep. Also it is always me who gets up with the baby (he has maybe got up with him about 5 times in 7 months)

Sex
When we first met sex was good and frequent. Now it is once a week if that. He has difficulties and eventually admitted to using viagra although he refuses to discuss it. He does impressions of me having sex which make me feel so low and has said that I see it as the only way of showing affection. As a result I no longer really enjoy sex that much.

Housework
DH sometimes hoovers but criticizes my hovering the rest of the time saying I don’t do it properly. He mows the lawn and is very good at DIY tasks around the home, he does them straight away.
DH has not cleaned a toilet or sink since we moved into our house 1.5 years ago (we have a cloakroom, 2 en-suites and a bathroom) Although I said in the first place I didn’t mind doing it I tried to get him to do it when I was heavily pregnant and after my c-sec but he refused on the grounds he only uses the bathrooms 10% of the time. This is despite the fact that he refuses to lift the seat so leaves little dribbles frequently and has IBS so leaves the inside of the toilet messy at least once a day.
I do all the washing/drying/ironing, initially it stemmed from me knowing that most of it was mine and my 2 kids but when I have asked my husband to be involved in doing some of it (after my c-sec and once I go back to work) he protests on the grounds that hardly any of it is his. He doesn’t like me using the tumble dryer and I have even seen him “jokingly” take stuff out of it and throw it on the floor.
As a result I use the tumble drier when he is out and panic when he comes home unexpectedly. I also have a lot less free time than him as I do the majority of the housework with the exception of cooking which he will do when he is here but generally leaves the dishes to me (he has made up the babies bottles once in 7 months and never sterilised anything)

Sorry this is so garbled, I am so confused and don’t know if it is just me being oversensitive. I have tried 3 times to leave, I have packed my bags but he somehow persuaded me every time that I was being silly/I’d regret leaving/I overreact to stuff. Afterwards I was disappointed in myself. I feel like I am 90% on the way to knowing I should leave but what can give me that last shove?? Is this emotional abuse or is it just a clash? He always says "is your life really so terrible?"

[Adarajames]

Another one here proud of and impressed by you, you rock! So impressed you've taken such big scary steps to get away and start living the life you deserve and need, huge well done! keep posting here, especially when low or wondering why you've done this, well help remind and strengthen you x

[iloverunning36]

Thanks now we need to pull efts mes out of her situation. It's only looking on here that's made me realise what to do and how unacceptable he is. I feel like a suffragette!

[iloverunning36]

Where are cog and any fucker when you need them? Sometimes I wonder if they are computer programmes as their advice is always spot on x

[LabradorMama]

I have often wondered this too

[ilovelamp82]

Well done for leaving OP. The thing that kept me strong was reading so many stories on the relationship board and in pretty much every case, the one thing that was unanimous was that they wish they had left sooner.

When you get your head around the fact that it is not you and it is him everything will become clearer. You may have had self esteem issues before you met him but he has no doubt used this to exert more control over you. You will be surprised the longer you are away from him how some self esteem actually gradually comes back.

You need to get to the point where yoi realise that he will not change and if anything, he will get worse. Until you believe that yourself, please take all of our words for it.

Get yourself and your children away from this man. If you feel yourself getting weak, make.sure you do it for your children. Thisis no environment for them to grow up in and will only lead them to have equally unhealthy relationships in the future.

Stop listening to him. He does not have your interests at heart. It is not all in your head. Trust yourself. Just because he says something, that does not make it true. I would cut contact if possible.

I know you love him and miss him. But what you love and miss is the man he has the potential to be, not the man that he is actually showing you.

If you go back to him, you will still be havinf these conversations in years to come, all the while your children will grow up witnessing it and your self esteem will get lower and lower until you feel trapped into submission.

Take the support from here and your family. Speak to Women's aid, join the freedom programme, speak to a solicitor, read Lundy Bancrofts book

Try and cut contact with him. Only speak about the children. Preferably in writing.

Distract yourself and be good to yourself. Do something for you. I bet it has been a while. Don't feel guilty. It is normal, even though it doesn't feel like it. Go and get your haor cut or your nails done or a massage. Organise a night out with the girls. Sounds like its long overdue.

The more things you do to distract yourself and think about you, the less headspace you will be giving him and it will get easier as you start to gain pieces of yourself back bit by bit.

Stay strong

[Jill2015]

Where are cog and any fucker when you need them? Sometimes I wonder if they are computer programmes as their advice is always spot on x

Try messaging them, if there is particular advice you need from them.
I have no advice really apart from what I've already said upthread. Stay strong. You deserve a good life, as do your children. This will not happen with that man in your lives.

[notoneforselfies]

Another day free OP - well done to you and keep on being strong!

[tipsytrifle]

If he decides to get counselling, therapy or whatever that's up to him. he can do this in his own life-space. You have your own life-space now and oddly enough, I can't see any room for the reality of him in yours. I hope you feel the same.

When women say they still love someone, I think it's often a reflection of the truth that women give Love all the time. Love is a state of mind and we are the goddess creators of life, for heaven's sake!

Unfortunately, many get snared by needy controlling men who say, via society, that we can't live without them and that we're faulty if we do.

It's unwise to donate love to such toxic idiots.
Stay strong. Don't go back. Have more faith in yourself. Please.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done!
Don't listen to his bullshit.
He will NEVER change.
He has to realise this is ALL his doing first and that will never happen.

Please do contact Womens Aid and get on the Freedom Programme.
That will help you right now enormously.

I'm so pleased you have supportive family around you.
Get them to help you stay away from him.
Let them vet your emails, texts, voicemails etc.....

Keep going. This is the start of your new much much happier life away from abuse! Yeah!

[iloverunning36]

I'm still away from him. His mum says she is worried about him, his stomach is really bad please can I go and see him today but I held firm and said no.

[SuddenRealisation]

Stay strong, people like him will use illness and dramatic situations to gain sympathy and attention. It's all just tactics.
Even if he does have a 'bad stomach' it does not erase all the terrible abuse. He's a grown man, he'll cope.
You need to be you now, to be free.

[Hissy]

His mother is working with him to call you back to heel.

Don't fall for it. remember who made him...

Remember what I said about the circumstances in which an abusive man will change? ONLY if he loses ALL support from every single person he knows will it - perhaps - occur to him that his behaviour toward you might have something to do with why he's been isolated and shunned by everyone else.

Abusers care a whole lot about what outsiders (NOT YOU) think about them. their perceived image is what drives them to belittle, batter and destroy you, by any means possible. even down to the real harm of your DC to hurt you. NOTHING is out of bounds when it comes to hurting you.

Tell your MIL that if she can't support the mother of her GC who has had to escape from the abusive man that is her son, then to not bother contacting you or your DC at all as you don't want someone like that in your lives.

Be THAT firm. you have too much to lose if you allow her into your circle if she's operating on his behalf.

[notoneforselfies]

If she's worried about him she can go and bloody see him. Or he can haul ass to a doctor. Not your problem. Stand firm, you're doing so, so well.

[ilovelamp82]

Good for you Iloverunning. Stay strong. No doubt you will hear that you are heartless for not going to see him. You are not. He has caused this and he is playing on your emotions to try and draw you back in. Because you are a nice person.

Try and distract yourself. You are doing well.

[Lottapianos]

'His mum says she is worried about him, his stomach is really bad please can I go and see him today but I held firm and said no'

He's sending his 'flying monkeys' in to try to guilt you into seeing him. You are stronger than you realise. Stand firm OP - do not engage with him or any member of his family. Bloody well done for getting out. What a vile excuse for a person he is. You do not deserve to be treated like that.

The next few days and weeks will be difficult. You will have waves of feeling free and proud of yourself and thrilled by being able to live your own life - enjoy them. You will have waves of guilt and sadness where you feel that you miss him - hold firm and ride them out. Not a single person on here told you that you should even consider staying with him. Your priority right now needs to be you, and your children. Sod him - you don't owe him anything, not a single thing. Do not answer any calls or texts or emails he may send you. You need time far away from him to start recovering and get used to your new life of freedom. Be proud of yourself x

[iloverunning36]

Thank you people. Having a weak moment after scraping my car but mostly scared he'll see the damage

[SuddenRealisation]

Fuck him. You're in charge of you now and that's the way it's gonna stay!

[tipsytrifle]

The car survived a scrape. You'll survive this scrape with his nasty soul in your life too. Don't contact him, his mother can take him back - not hope to foist him back at you. I'm in "that" sort of mood tonight ...

[notoneforselfies]

You're scared he'll see the damage? That. Exactly that is what you need to focus on - you should not be scared of his reaction to a car scrape. You shouldn't be scared of your partner EVER. Any normal decent bloke would shrug it off and say 'as long as you're ok'. You don't have to be scared now - you've left. Be glad of that.

[ilovelamp82]

I got a speeding ticket a few months after I threw my husband out and instantly got tense and braced myself for what I was about to hear from my husband. Then I realised that he wasn't there anymore and I would just pay the fine and deal with tje consequences myself.

You are an adult and can deal with things like this by yourself without the need to be chastised like a child from your husband. So don't let him.

There will come a time when he doesn't occupy all your headspace. When you will become a happier, less stressed person, I promise.

Don't worry about the car. It's just a scratch. If he wants to moan about it, tell him you only want to deal with him through written communication and just don't read his e mail. (Save it though in case you need evidence for the future.)

You don't need to be punished twice. Is he scared of how you will react to things like this? No! Because he doesn't care what you think. So why should you.

[iloverunning36]

It's on the side of the car my son goes in and the door needs replaced so he could argue its unsafe. I scraped it along a wall. Fool.

[Adarajames]

Ta hardly surprising you're probably not as clear minded as would be ideal, dealing with all the shit he's spent years throwing at you! If you're worried about the safety of the door, pop into a mechanics to check it's structurally sound, and deal with it by whatever they say, you are a strong independent woman and you CAN deal with minor life irritants now you don't have him and his evilness dragging you down. Hugs for you x

[iloverunning36]

Yes you are right. I really really don't want to go back and I'm not getting this chance again.

[tipsytrifle]

running - if it's a scrape and the door is fully functional then it's cosmetic damage. Ugly but of no consequence. Likely just a fill and paint job too. Most importantly, it's none of his business ... so there! He has no say and no control, his empire has become a free republic lol.

[SuddenRealisation]

That's right. This is your chance, hold on to that thought and run with it!