emotional abuse?? How to make final leap to leave if so

[iloverunning36]

I have always been oversensitive, had low self esteem and been a people-pleaser. I tend to put others needs before my own. I have 2 children from my previous relationship and have been quite reluctant to expect my husband to parent them. We met 2.5 years ago, got married 1.5 years ago and (at his suggestion but I was willing) had a baby together 7 months ago. My problem is his verbal outbursts and general disrespectfulness towards me which I feel has got worse since the baby was born. When I try to talk to him he denies things and turns stuff back on me saying I am a “paper bag” and I need to learn to discuss things but he is not approachable frequently getting so frustrated with me that he swears at me within earshot of my children. He then improves for a short time only to revert to normal within a couple of weeks. He also says he feels like he is walking on eggshells as anything will “set me off”
The main outbursts are as follows:
Calling me a “fucking idiot” for making a mistake on my CV (I did post about this and tried to leave but he convinced me I was being silly and it was a one off – I thought maybe I was being harsh)
Calling me a miserable bitch because I was very tired and down after the baby was born (and I thought he would be more hands on)
Asking me where the fuck I had been when I was late home from work one night (this meant that every other time I rushed home to avoid him being like that again)
Going in a mood if I go to the gym or if I am going on a night out with my friends (this has resulted in me only having 2 nights out since I met him one of which he collected me from but I still go out for lunch with my friends without hassle from him so in that respect I haven’t been isolated from them)
Repeatedly telling me to fuck off and calling me a horrible thing because I said I had never seen a man take less interest in his child (I apologised after as it was a harsh thing to say but t the time he was refusing to have anything to do with bathing or putting to bed of our baby as well as rarely giving him bottles or changing his nappy so it felt like he wasn’t interested as he gets very good time off but will spend an entire day before he even picks up the baby)

Money
He insists that I put more into the joint account as I have more to pay for (food, elec and gas for my kids from previous relationship – I pay for clothes, shoes toys etc from my own money) He still complains about me buying school shoes or uniform for them so I try to hide it from him. I am in the process of being made redundant and on the way in the car he told me one of the reasons he was attracted to me was that I was in the same earnings bracket as him and we could have a nice life together. I have had to really argue my case (and only because of what was previously advised here so I have heeded some advice) about putting in less into the joint account because I am on stat pay but this month he has accepted that although he keeps going on about it.

Family
DH doesn’t like my family and in some ways he has good reason as certain of them take advantage and my mum is quite controlling. She was upset when I moved away and has attributed the return of her cancer to my falling out with my sister (she phoned me to tell me this when I was pregnant and my DH reacted to my upset by getting very drunk and telling me that he hoped she dies of cancer and I need to stand up to her – I found this very upsetting as I felt like everyone was against me) Now that my mum is dying I don’t feel I can ask for DH support as he made his feelings clear. He comments if I see them often "that's
weeks in a row you've been to visit your dad" so I feel like I have to hide or justify seeing family.

Sleep
DH as a tendency to get up very early (4 or 5am) which frequently disturbs me and once I am awake he tends to go back to bed and he has a nap most of his days off but will wake me if he feels I am sleeping too long (he once came home from work when I was pregnant at 10am in the morning and woke me up “to make sure I was achieving something” I was really angry as was so tired and it was my one chance for a lie-in as my ex had my 2 children. He said I was overreacting. I have given up trying to get a nap or a lie-in as it just doesn’t happen any more, I feel resentful that he gets so much more sleep than me when he causes me to have less sleep. Also it is always me who gets up with the baby (he has maybe got up with him about 5 times in 7 months)

Sex
When we first met sex was good and frequent. Now it is once a week if that. He has difficulties and eventually admitted to using viagra although he refuses to discuss it. He does impressions of me having sex which make me feel so low and has said that I see it as the only way of showing affection. As a result I no longer really enjoy sex that much.

Housework
DH sometimes hoovers but criticizes my hovering the rest of the time saying I don’t do it properly. He mows the lawn and is very good at DIY tasks around the home, he does them straight away.
DH has not cleaned a toilet or sink since we moved into our house 1.5 years ago (we have a cloakroom, 2 en-suites and a bathroom) Although I said in the first place I didn’t mind doing it I tried to get him to do it when I was heavily pregnant and after my c-sec but he refused on the grounds he only uses the bathrooms 10% of the time. This is despite the fact that he refuses to lift the seat so leaves little dribbles frequently and has IBS so leaves the inside of the toilet messy at least once a day.
I do all the washing/drying/ironing, initially it stemmed from me knowing that most of it was mine and my 2 kids but when I have asked my husband to be involved in doing some of it (after my c-sec and once I go back to work) he protests on the grounds that hardly any of it is his. He doesn’t like me using the tumble dryer and I have even seen him “jokingly” take stuff out of it and throw it on the floor.
As a result I use the tumble drier when he is out and panic when he comes home unexpectedly. I also have a lot less free time than him as I do the majority of the housework with the exception of cooking which he will do when he is here but generally leaves the dishes to me (he has made up the babies bottles once in 7 months and never sterilised anything)

Sorry this is so garbled, I am so confused and don’t know if it is just me being oversensitive. I have tried 3 times to leave, I have packed my bags but he somehow persuaded me every time that I was being silly/I’d regret leaving/I overreact to stuff. Afterwards I was disappointed in myself. I feel like I am 90% on the way to knowing I should leave but what can give me that last shove?? Is this emotional abuse or is it just a clash? He always says "is your life really so terrible?"

[iloverunning36]

Thanks. Very teary but still don't want to go back (he still thinks his promises of change are going to work but I do know in my heart he won't make the permanent change I need.

[iloverunning36]

Now he is saying he needs to talk to me as his stomach issues are back due to the stress and he's worried he'll end up in hospital again.

[Hissy]

ignore, ignore, ignore.

he's lying.

if he were that ill he'd be off to the Docs, or calling 111 instead of bothering you.

think about it.

[Hissy]

unless you can heal by a mere coversation... what use will you be? he's lying to get to you.

stay strong. no response.

this isn't going to be easy, but you're not on your own here. we'll hold your hand.

what he's doing now is part of the abuse.

see it for what it is.

[Lottapianos]

He's lying. My ex did this too. Ignore it and carry on ignoring it OP

[iloverunning36]

He was in hospital with his stomach issues when his ex left

[Jill2015]

You will notice that he is worried about HIS stress, and that HE will end up in hospital...
What about your stress levels and your health? Of course they don't count, in his mind. He won't change. He is an abuser.
If in any doubt, reread your own first post. No decent human being treats another, especially someone they supposedly love, like he treated you.

Stay strong, OP, get all the advice and help that you need. Look forward now, not back. That horrible phase of your life is over.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Now he is saying he needs to talk to me as his stomach issues are back due to the stress and he's worried he'll end up in hospital again.

In one sentence, it's all him him him.
Is he even concerned how you are coping?
If you are stressed?

No of course not. This is to reel you back in.

As he ended up in hospital after his ex left then, he's still alive isn't he?
Don't engage.
You are not a healthcare professional so you can't help him.
He'll have to deal with this all his lonesome! Poor little love!

Ignore ignore ignore.

You're doing so well. Keep going and keep strong.

[notoneforselfies]

You can't help him. A medical professional can. If it's caused by stress then a counsellor can. He's basically saying he wants to use you to relieve his stress, and so his health issues, by using you as his stress release, his emotional punch bag. That is not your role anymore. He's a grown up, he needs to learn how to deal with his stress on his own without having you to take out all his issues on. You're worth more than that. Be strong, ignore him, it's nothing life threatening. He's just emotionally blackmailing you again, do not engage!

[RalphGnu]

You're doing so well and being so brave. You only get one life - you are not responsible for his health and happiness.

[tipsytrifle]

As notone said - you really can't help him. Truly, even if you gave him your open veins to drain it would not be enough to help him!

This is YOUR life, dear running ... yours and no-one else's to breathe, love, work on, enjoy ... well, ok, ds gets to share it with you; and how marvellous is that?

[iloverunning36]

It's so daunting and confusing though. He has done everything on the script - apologising, promising to change, saying he's not well. He's not once asked how my 2 older kids are and has even referred to out child as 'it' at one point, the fact that I laughed out loud at that probably indicates that my grieving isn't going to take as long as I thought.

[fromparistoberlin73]

I fucking hate him OP,sorry. I have steam coming out of my ears

I have not RTWT however I think the priority here needs to be the children too, how shit is it for your 3 kids to witness this?

see a lawyer, get help TODAY and plan a new life

good luck, I know its really really hard to leave and really really easy to say "LTB"- but I hope you find strength xxx

[notoneforselfies]

So he's apologised and promised to change and at the same time, while purportedly on his best behaviour, demonstrated he's incapable of being anything more than a total fucktard by bit doing something so instinctive and basic as enquiring after the children! I hope he is genuinely suffering but I know it's just another unfortunate lie and devious tactic.

[notoneforselfies]

And it is exactly that - a script. Not remotely genuine and massive props to you for recognising that! This will all serve to help you get more and more determined to hold your ground.

[Eastpoint]

Well done, it seems as if you are getting wise to his ways.

[notoneforselfies]

How are you doing today OP?

[iloverunning36]

A bit teary. Thanks for asking. I met him yesterday. He cried, said he could change, he wants us all back,he loves me, he's lost his way and been so stupid, I'm making him out to be worse than he is. He has his first counselling session on Thursday. Flowers, chocolates, a card (I know bad things have happened and I'm committed to change). I said I'm not coming back unless there is a big change in his behaviour and I don't beleive there going to be. I told him yesterday (by text) I have recordings of some of our conversations as I wanted to take an honest look at myself in case I was to blame and I want him to listen to them as he maybe doesn't realise he's doing it. He eventually agreed but wants them deleted. Does he know his behaviour is bad or is he genuinely deluded into thinking this is me trying to destroy him?

[LisaMed]

Erm, if he didn't realise how bad things were, why would he want the recordings deleted? They are evidence against him, they show how bad he actually is, of course he wants to remove evidence.

He knows, he's happy as long as things are going his way and you are running around after him. He gets his own way by being foul to you. If you have no evidence of his conversations he has a better chance of convincing you that you are 'over-reacting' and that 'it isn't that bad' and that 'it's half your fault really' and that 'most marriages are like this' and 'you are remembering things wrong'.

Good luck

[iloverunning36]

Good points thanks. I just feel so horrible seeing him broken like this. He is losing so much :(

[Eastpoint]

He had many opportunities to treat you & your children with decency & respect. Please keep putting your safety & that of your children above his needs. You are doing so well.

[LisaMed]

I'm not really an expert on this, so I hope someone with more experience will come along, but can I ask you...

How much did he care when you were cleaning and carrying and running around after a c-section? You are showing so much more empathy and humanity to him than he ever showed to you. It does hurt, seeing someone else suffer (if you are a decent human being) and I do believe that you should not need a reason to show compassion but I want you to think of how much compassion he would show you if you and gone back to him and were then in pain, or even how much he has shown you in the past.

I would say that it takes time to change, so even if he was the most amazingly changed person ever he would need at least six months before these changes 'bed in' and probably more. In that time you need to protect yourself and remove any temptation for him to fail to change.

Good luck.

[saiyme09]

*I pay for clothes, shoes toys etc from my own money) He still complains about me buying school shoes or uniform for them so I try to hide it from him!?
So he begrudges your children basic items.......sorry but for that reason alone you should leave! Would he go without clothes?! How would he react if you "moaned" about his purchases! Get rid!
I know from personal experience ( my step dad was like this) and when my mum got rid was one of the happiest days of my childhood!

[iloverunning36]

Thank you so helpful

[Jill2015]

OP I wish I was of more help, but please reread your own first post, as though someone close to you, a friend / sister was telling you that was how they were being treated.
I'm sorry, but I truly do not believe that he is capable of change. You say he is broken, and is 'losing so much'...just turn that around for a minute, what is he losing, he treated you and your children so badly. Has he any regret over that? Not by the sound of it, to be honest.
Promises come cheap. My fear for you would be that he will act a part for a while, and then revert to the same behaviour that caused you to leave.
You have been so brave and strong to get yourself out of a very bad situation. Please please get all the help that you can, proper advice re entitlements and so on. Stay close to your family and friends.
All the best.