emotional abuse?? How to make final leap to leave if so

[iloverunning36]

I have always been oversensitive, had low self esteem and been a people-pleaser. I tend to put others needs before my own. I have 2 children from my previous relationship and have been quite reluctant to expect my husband to parent them. We met 2.5 years ago, got married 1.5 years ago and (at his suggestion but I was willing) had a baby together 7 months ago. My problem is his verbal outbursts and general disrespectfulness towards me which I feel has got worse since the baby was born. When I try to talk to him he denies things and turns stuff back on me saying I am a “paper bag” and I need to learn to discuss things but he is not approachable frequently getting so frustrated with me that he swears at me within earshot of my children. He then improves for a short time only to revert to normal within a couple of weeks. He also says he feels like he is walking on eggshells as anything will “set me off”
The main outbursts are as follows:
Calling me a “fucking idiot” for making a mistake on my CV (I did post about this and tried to leave but he convinced me I was being silly and it was a one off – I thought maybe I was being harsh)
Calling me a miserable bitch because I was very tired and down after the baby was born (and I thought he would be more hands on)
Asking me where the fuck I had been when I was late home from work one night (this meant that every other time I rushed home to avoid him being like that again)
Going in a mood if I go to the gym or if I am going on a night out with my friends (this has resulted in me only having 2 nights out since I met him one of which he collected me from but I still go out for lunch with my friends without hassle from him so in that respect I haven’t been isolated from them)
Repeatedly telling me to fuck off and calling me a horrible thing because I said I had never seen a man take less interest in his child (I apologised after as it was a harsh thing to say but t the time he was refusing to have anything to do with bathing or putting to bed of our baby as well as rarely giving him bottles or changing his nappy so it felt like he wasn’t interested as he gets very good time off but will spend an entire day before he even picks up the baby)

Money
He insists that I put more into the joint account as I have more to pay for (food, elec and gas for my kids from previous relationship – I pay for clothes, shoes toys etc from my own money) He still complains about me buying school shoes or uniform for them so I try to hide it from him. I am in the process of being made redundant and on the way in the car he told me one of the reasons he was attracted to me was that I was in the same earnings bracket as him and we could have a nice life together. I have had to really argue my case (and only because of what was previously advised here so I have heeded some advice) about putting in less into the joint account because I am on stat pay but this month he has accepted that although he keeps going on about it.

Family
DH doesn’t like my family and in some ways he has good reason as certain of them take advantage and my mum is quite controlling. She was upset when I moved away and has attributed the return of her cancer to my falling out with my sister (she phoned me to tell me this when I was pregnant and my DH reacted to my upset by getting very drunk and telling me that he hoped she dies of cancer and I need to stand up to her – I found this very upsetting as I felt like everyone was against me) Now that my mum is dying I don’t feel I can ask for DH support as he made his feelings clear. He comments if I see them often "that's
weeks in a row you've been to visit your dad" so I feel like I have to hide or justify seeing family.

Sleep
DH as a tendency to get up very early (4 or 5am) which frequently disturbs me and once I am awake he tends to go back to bed and he has a nap most of his days off but will wake me if he feels I am sleeping too long (he once came home from work when I was pregnant at 10am in the morning and woke me up “to make sure I was achieving something” I was really angry as was so tired and it was my one chance for a lie-in as my ex had my 2 children. He said I was overreacting. I have given up trying to get a nap or a lie-in as it just doesn’t happen any more, I feel resentful that he gets so much more sleep than me when he causes me to have less sleep. Also it is always me who gets up with the baby (he has maybe got up with him about 5 times in 7 months)

Sex
When we first met sex was good and frequent. Now it is once a week if that. He has difficulties and eventually admitted to using viagra although he refuses to discuss it. He does impressions of me having sex which make me feel so low and has said that I see it as the only way of showing affection. As a result I no longer really enjoy sex that much.

Housework
DH sometimes hoovers but criticizes my hovering the rest of the time saying I don’t do it properly. He mows the lawn and is very good at DIY tasks around the home, he does them straight away.
DH has not cleaned a toilet or sink since we moved into our house 1.5 years ago (we have a cloakroom, 2 en-suites and a bathroom) Although I said in the first place I didn’t mind doing it I tried to get him to do it when I was heavily pregnant and after my c-sec but he refused on the grounds he only uses the bathrooms 10% of the time. This is despite the fact that he refuses to lift the seat so leaves little dribbles frequently and has IBS so leaves the inside of the toilet messy at least once a day.
I do all the washing/drying/ironing, initially it stemmed from me knowing that most of it was mine and my 2 kids but when I have asked my husband to be involved in doing some of it (after my c-sec and once I go back to work) he protests on the grounds that hardly any of it is his. He doesn’t like me using the tumble dryer and I have even seen him “jokingly” take stuff out of it and throw it on the floor.
As a result I use the tumble drier when he is out and panic when he comes home unexpectedly. I also have a lot less free time than him as I do the majority of the housework with the exception of cooking which he will do when he is here but generally leaves the dishes to me (he has made up the babies bottles once in 7 months and never sterilised anything)

Sorry this is so garbled, I am so confused and don’t know if it is just me being oversensitive. I have tried 3 times to leave, I have packed my bags but he somehow persuaded me every time that I was being silly/I’d regret leaving/I overreact to stuff. Afterwards I was disappointed in myself. I feel like I am 90% on the way to knowing I should leave but what can give me that last shove?? Is this emotional abuse or is it just a clash? He always says "is your life really so terrible?"

[tribpot]

You will never regret leaving this person. It sounds as if you may be shafted financially but to live without this intolerable, persistent abuse will kill your spirit more than it already has.

There's no point waiting for the lightbulb to come on and for him to accept his behaviour is abusive, that will never happen. Get your facts straight with the solicitor and get the hell away.

[iloverunning36]

I am in Scotland. He pays his child from a previous relationship over the odds (he wasn't married to his ex and they now live in another country) but says he will just pay the going rate for our child

[iloverunning36]

I was kind of looking for some specific pointers on which aspects of his behaviour are the worst as he has drummed it into me that nothing is that bad, if anyone can help with that I think it would give me more strength

[Quitelikely]

Your post makes me so sad. I hate the way he seems to deprecate your two dc that aren't his. You came as a package but it looks like he's resisting that package.

I cannot understand what sort of man refuses to help his DW when she has just had a c-section and other children to looker after, the time he woke you up in bed from your rare lie in is an absolute disgrace.

IMO you are certainly suffering abuse, unfortunately your dc are also growing up in an abusive household. He is slowly, slowly trying to wear you down.

And if he can't be bothered to look after a baby then why the hell did he want one? You are not a single mother so why he expects you to act like one is beyond me.

I know you say he is nice and gives cuddles but that's not the part you have an issue with it's all of his nasty, selfish, spiteful and controlling behaviour that hurts you and will continue to do so. The fact that you can lean on him regarding your poorly mother is terrible to read, the reality must be awful for you.

I saw you have a prenup and he said you won't get the house, well actually prenups at the very least must be fair and I'm sure that you and your dc will be given the right and priority to have a roof over your head.

Please see the solicitor. Don't stay with him. He really doesn't know how to treat you with respect and I suspect he is beyond repair.

If you stay, you stay on the merry go round, round you will go, meeting the same conclusion time and again, wasting your valuable life with this abusive man.

Good luck. And keep posting. It's ok if you can't find the strength to leave but you will get lots of support and wisdom at the very least.

[Quitelikely]

Separate! Not deprecate!

[Quitelikely]

I don't think you will be able to convince him that he is wrong. Is it him you need to convince or yourself?

Look at the description of emotional abuse on Womens Aid. Then you will see how bad he is

[iloverunning36]

Its me I need to convince. I am agreeing with the things about it being pointless trying to reason with an unreasonable person and day to day I enjoy my time better when it is not with him but I think being controlled just seems normal to me now and when he tries to turn it on me I do question if it is me and if I am losing my mind. Thanks.

[EverythingIsAwesome]

Every single thing you have mentioned about his behaviour is so, so wrong! I would hate to rate it from best to worst because it really all is appalling :(

[tribpot]

which aspects of his behaviour are the worst

They're all shit. Seriously. Basically he sees himself as having done you a massive favour by letting you move in with your existing children into his house, and by giving you another child. So your job is to be grateful, keep his house perfectly and wait on him hand and foot.

He wakes up at 4 a.m. and ensures you then wake up (surely not immediately?) then goes back to sleep. Your job is to be up first like the scullery maids in Downton Abbey.

He makes your life intolerable if you are out in the evening, i.e. when he would have to take care of his child and step-children. So you don't do it any more.

The way he speaks to you is completely unacceptable.

He still complains about me buying school shoes or uniform for them so I try to hide it from him. You are made to contribute more to the joint account to cover the costs of your children (the way you would if you were a lodger in his house). But you are abused if you spend the money ... on your children.

He refused to help clean the loos after your c-section on the grounds that he only uses the loos 10% of the time, because you're making use of 'his' facilities whilst he's out during the day. So you should clean them.

He throws the stuff out of the tumble driver - WTF is that about? Presumably he objects to you using 'his' electricity to dry clothes.

It's up to you. If you want to be treated with utter contempt and run ragged as a servant in someone else's house (the prenup presumably clarifies this intention) and you want your children to grow up thinking this is a 'normal' family life, by all means carry on. You know fine well this behaviour is not acceptable, you've laid it out very clearly in your first post. The fact that he doesn't think his behaviour is unacceptable is immaterial - of course he doesn't - he's the king of his own little castle.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

All of your headings in your initial post detailing his behaviours are all examples of him behaving abusively towards you. They do not have to hit you physically to hurt you.

A man like this one will take you a long time, perhaps even years, to recover from but there is no other option here other than to get the hell away from him now. He will destroy you totally in the end and will not think twice about doing so.

[AnyFucker]

There are no words

Please, just leave him

Strangers telling you how bad he is last time didn't work, did it ?

You have to find it in yourself to go

[tipsytrifle]

ohhhh no! He is very wrong about pretty much everything he has told you. You are never going to get him to agree that he is abusive, and therefore it is ok for you to leave him. That isn't how it goes.

Please just gather your stuff and leave. This situation is horrendous and now he knows you want out. Your name is on the mortgage and that is sacrosanct. PreNup's have dubious validity. You need legal advice and to be free asap.

You don't need labels for him. Nasty; manipulative; controlling; obtuse; abusive - a few that spring to mind. The labels that bother me most are the ones that apply to your lovely self. Downtrodden; abused; self-negating; fearful; trapped; deeply unhappy.

Ring WA and let them help you make a new plan for a new day, please?

[43percentburnt]

Vile man. You know that feeling of dread you get when you hear his car pull up on the drive way and then the key in the lock. Well when you leave, you can leave despite his threats, you won't get that feeling of dread anymore.

Go see a solicitor, find out what you are entitled to.

Post in legal re the prenup.

Speak to women's aid.

Do the turn2us benefit calc.

Gather documents, payslips, p60's, savings, mortgage statement, any thing you have signed. Is the house joint tenants or tenants in common? Check your purchase paperwork. Pensions, stocks, shares.

Don't trust this arsehole when he says he pays over the odds for his child. I came across a man like him recently at work, he was actually paying £400 less than he should have been paying on the Csa calculator! But he in his head thought he was paying 'more than he should'.

Good luck. Leave.

[iloverunning36]

You are right I know, he just makes me feel like a silly little girl thats having a strop about not getting my own way. He said he would let me and the boys leave tomorrow it'd just be hard for him to lose his baby so he would need time to come to terms with that. I know he would never be violent as he is in the police so wouldn't risk his job.

[tribpot]

Yeah, there are definitely no domestic abusers in the police That said there is no evidence that he will step up his abuse to physical, although so far he is doing such a good job of breaking your spirit without resorting to it, it's hard to know what he might do if you try to reclaim some of your power.

Generous that he would 'let' you all leave - I doubt the loss of his baby would hit him too hard given the presence of him appears to have virtually no impact on him.

Start making your plans and get the hell away from this man.

[Mitzimaybe]

I'm looking into getting a prenup myself. They have no legal force but a court will take them into consideration as long as they are not unfair to one of the couple or, especially, the children. Your circumstances have changed since you signed yours and it's likely that a court would now deem it unfair and not take it into consideration in any divorce settlement. You need to get legal advice on that from a specialist family law solicitor.

[Miggsie]

Hi there
this man is truly dreadful.

Please buy and read immediately the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft - available on Amazon for immediate dispatch.
Lundy has worked with abusive men for 15 years and helped women leave them - Lundy believes 99.9% of abusive men don't change. Lundy's book will explain your partner's behaviour and how none of it is your fault and how men like him hate women and want to control and punish them. These men get off on you being scared as it gives them power.

Lundy also explains all the methods these men use to keep their partner scared and obedient - this will include being nice to you (just nice enough to stop you leaving). I know abused women who have read Lundy's book and said "that's it, that is exactly what my partner does" - these men have very distinct behaviour patterns and if you recognise this you can start to detach.

This book will really help you see your partner for what he is and help you to leave.

I also strongly suggest you find a therapist skilled in working with women who are emotionally abused (Women's Aid will probably help you here), on no account must you tell your partner you are seeing a therapist - he will use it to control and punish you further. Women's Aid also run the "Freedom Programme" - you can Google this and there are articles on how to recognise and escape from emotional abuse.

Lundy's Book: Lundy's book
and

The freedom programme

[seasavage]

You described so much of my exh there. I remember well the panic i'd have to catch the quickest bus on the way home. The sleep thing is different (he'd stay up all night then expect absolute silence). He is grinding you down, not taking responsibility and exerting a lot of control. It took me many arguements where I always had to apologise in a certain way before I knew I wouldn't bother again.
When I stopped playing his way he did turn violent. I was told at the time that violence does start with this complete lack of respect / emotional abuse as part of a process.
If you believe he can change then it has to come from him. At the moment he wont be motivated to, he has things his way.
And I agree with ^^ give him no wriggle room about your process of counselling, he used this to 'prove' I needed help/ was unstable etc.
I wish you the best for a future where you are loved and supported for the person you are. [Thanks]

[iloverunning36]

Thanks. I have ordered the book. He has been "making an effort" recently but he seems to expect me to be grateful when he is just acting like a decent human should all the time. I don't believe people change and think it'll probably be a matter of time before he slips back to his old ways. Also I can't suddenly just stop being scared to ask or do certain things when I am in the habit of being careful for fear of his reaction so it all seems quite artificial.

[iloverunning36]

I am almost there, reading Lundy and have a place to go but he is still saying it's all in my head, please can I have some hand holding/words of wisdom to help me through? I feel so broken

[minkemBernard]

Well done for getting and reading Lundy. It is an eye opener isn't it!

None of this is your fault.
You are right he is abusive.
Sadly he won't admit it.
But think about it this way, you are within your rights to leave any relationship just because you are unhappy. You neither need nor will you get his permission.

You can do this. You will do this and your life will be better for it.

Good luck and Godspeed. You can do it.

[iloverunning36]

Thank you

[squitchey]

Of all the horrible behaviour you describe in your post, this is what really stuck out with me and made me so sad and angry on your behalf:

"He does impressions of me having sex which make me feel so low"

This is despicable behaviour. There is no excuse for it, and to me it sums up all the other undermining, cruel and confidence-sapping stuff you're putting ip with.

You do not need to convince him that what he's doing it wrong, you just need to convince yourself.

[dollius]

You know, don't you, though, that it is not all in your head?

He does actually do all those things that you have listed and which everyone here is disgusted by.

He will never accept that he is in the wrong because, as Lundy says, all abusers believe firmly that they are justified in their actions.

He believes, firmly, that your purpose is to serve him and if you step out of line, you are the one in the wrong. You have to decide if that is the relationship model you want to show your kids.

Please, just get out. We will hold your hand while you do it.

[baloo1985]

Please leave. This person sound horrid and you will see that you can find some one a lot better than him.

A close friend of mine recently made the break from her partner of 8years who sounds exactly like your partner. She was upset at first but has rebuilt her friendships she let slip away whilst with him. She completely changed from the person I knew and became distant as her partner didn't like her having friends he couldn't control. She has realized over the 2 months they have been separated that she can be happy with out him and is slowly becoming her own woman again and actually smiles ( genuinely smiles which I haven't seen for 8 years) She's slowly realizing that the relationship wasn't healthy (she was completely brain washed by her partner)

A relationship isn't what you have described in your original post and it seems you know that. Please leave him