emotional abuse?? How to make final leap to leave if so

[iloverunning36]

I have always been oversensitive, had low self esteem and been a people-pleaser. I tend to put others needs before my own. I have 2 children from my previous relationship and have been quite reluctant to expect my husband to parent them. We met 2.5 years ago, got married 1.5 years ago and (at his suggestion but I was willing) had a baby together 7 months ago. My problem is his verbal outbursts and general disrespectfulness towards me which I feel has got worse since the baby was born. When I try to talk to him he denies things and turns stuff back on me saying I am a “paper bag” and I need to learn to discuss things but he is not approachable frequently getting so frustrated with me that he swears at me within earshot of my children. He then improves for a short time only to revert to normal within a couple of weeks. He also says he feels like he is walking on eggshells as anything will “set me off”
The main outbursts are as follows:
Calling me a “fucking idiot” for making a mistake on my CV (I did post about this and tried to leave but he convinced me I was being silly and it was a one off – I thought maybe I was being harsh)
Calling me a miserable bitch because I was very tired and down after the baby was born (and I thought he would be more hands on)
Asking me where the fuck I had been when I was late home from work one night (this meant that every other time I rushed home to avoid him being like that again)
Going in a mood if I go to the gym or if I am going on a night out with my friends (this has resulted in me only having 2 nights out since I met him one of which he collected me from but I still go out for lunch with my friends without hassle from him so in that respect I haven’t been isolated from them)
Repeatedly telling me to fuck off and calling me a horrible thing because I said I had never seen a man take less interest in his child (I apologised after as it was a harsh thing to say but t the time he was refusing to have anything to do with bathing or putting to bed of our baby as well as rarely giving him bottles or changing his nappy so it felt like he wasn’t interested as he gets very good time off but will spend an entire day before he even picks up the baby)

Money
He insists that I put more into the joint account as I have more to pay for (food, elec and gas for my kids from previous relationship – I pay for clothes, shoes toys etc from my own money) He still complains about me buying school shoes or uniform for them so I try to hide it from him. I am in the process of being made redundant and on the way in the car he told me one of the reasons he was attracted to me was that I was in the same earnings bracket as him and we could have a nice life together. I have had to really argue my case (and only because of what was previously advised here so I have heeded some advice) about putting in less into the joint account because I am on stat pay but this month he has accepted that although he keeps going on about it.

Family
DH doesn’t like my family and in some ways he has good reason as certain of them take advantage and my mum is quite controlling. She was upset when I moved away and has attributed the return of her cancer to my falling out with my sister (she phoned me to tell me this when I was pregnant and my DH reacted to my upset by getting very drunk and telling me that he hoped she dies of cancer and I need to stand up to her – I found this very upsetting as I felt like everyone was against me) Now that my mum is dying I don’t feel I can ask for DH support as he made his feelings clear. He comments if I see them often "that's
weeks in a row you've been to visit your dad" so I feel like I have to hide or justify seeing family.

Sleep
DH as a tendency to get up very early (4 or 5am) which frequently disturbs me and once I am awake he tends to go back to bed and he has a nap most of his days off but will wake me if he feels I am sleeping too long (he once came home from work when I was pregnant at 10am in the morning and woke me up “to make sure I was achieving something” I was really angry as was so tired and it was my one chance for a lie-in as my ex had my 2 children. He said I was overreacting. I have given up trying to get a nap or a lie-in as it just doesn’t happen any more, I feel resentful that he gets so much more sleep than me when he causes me to have less sleep. Also it is always me who gets up with the baby (he has maybe got up with him about 5 times in 7 months)

Sex
When we first met sex was good and frequent. Now it is once a week if that. He has difficulties and eventually admitted to using viagra although he refuses to discuss it. He does impressions of me having sex which make me feel so low and has said that I see it as the only way of showing affection. As a result I no longer really enjoy sex that much.

Housework
DH sometimes hoovers but criticizes my hovering the rest of the time saying I don’t do it properly. He mows the lawn and is very good at DIY tasks around the home, he does them straight away.
DH has not cleaned a toilet or sink since we moved into our house 1.5 years ago (we have a cloakroom, 2 en-suites and a bathroom) Although I said in the first place I didn’t mind doing it I tried to get him to do it when I was heavily pregnant and after my c-sec but he refused on the grounds he only uses the bathrooms 10% of the time. This is despite the fact that he refuses to lift the seat so leaves little dribbles frequently and has IBS so leaves the inside of the toilet messy at least once a day.
I do all the washing/drying/ironing, initially it stemmed from me knowing that most of it was mine and my 2 kids but when I have asked my husband to be involved in doing some of it (after my c-sec and once I go back to work) he protests on the grounds that hardly any of it is his. He doesn’t like me using the tumble dryer and I have even seen him “jokingly” take stuff out of it and throw it on the floor.
As a result I use the tumble drier when he is out and panic when he comes home unexpectedly. I also have a lot less free time than him as I do the majority of the housework with the exception of cooking which he will do when he is here but generally leaves the dishes to me (he has made up the babies bottles once in 7 months and never sterilised anything)

Sorry this is so garbled, I am so confused and don’t know if it is just me being oversensitive. I have tried 3 times to leave, I have packed my bags but he somehow persuaded me every time that I was being silly/I’d regret leaving/I overreact to stuff. Afterwards I was disappointed in myself. I feel like I am 90% on the way to knowing I should leave but what can give me that last shove?? Is this emotional abuse or is it just a clash? He always says "is your life really so terrible?"

OP, the only thing he is loosing is the opportunity to use you as his emotional punchbag.

You and your DCs on the other hand stand to gain so so much by leaving.

You can do this xxx

Thank you, you have been such a help as have all the other kind people on this thread x

He's conditioned you through his abuse to worry only ever about putting him and his needs and desires first. You need to start putting your children first and then yourself, which will be harder for you to learn but you'll get there. For now, perhaps focus on the children's needs and whether you want them to have an abusive role model and what repercussions that might have on them as they grow. He will survive. He might be genuinely sorry for the way he is, () but he won't ever change. If you went back he might be on best behaviour for weeks, months or years even, but as he gets a stronger grip on you he will get complacent and he will start acting the only way he probably knows how once more and you will have to start this difficult process all over again, with even less strength of mind as he will have ground you down further. Don't let him. You can do this.

As others have said, it's just more if his controlling, he'll try whatever he can to get you back under his control, and once he has, he'll be back to his usual evil controlling self and just be so much harder to break away from again. Please be kind to yourself, stay away from him; if his display if emotion is hard, them ask him to give you time and space away from him to think, just have email / txt contact to arrange child care if needs be, but do try to get some space away from him and his playing on your emotions. Strength to you x

iloverunning please seize your life in your own hands and run with it. Away from him. There is no need for these meetings. No need to share recordings. No need to watch as he grabs phone off you and deletes.

He is a controlling abusive horror of a man. He is working his way back into you, swallowing you, making you his property again.

He still makes me feel nauseous btw.

Stay away from him, please. You've chosen, rightly, to end this marriage, so let it end.

He listened to some of the recording but then demanded I delete it. He has had his first session of counselling and says it's his stress and depression making him snappy and he needs to learn to relax he said I need to let go of the past - he knows he has done wrong but he doesn't want to rake over it again and again. I asked if he really will go away if I don't give him another chance and he said he would sell up and go off round the world, it's self preservation as otherwise he'll be in his box (coffin - suicide) I said what about the baby how could you leave him, what if I get sick, what about preserving me! I'll need to rent as not got money or job to buy place and it's all his money in house (prenup is binding) he just kept saying its self preservation and he'll come back if baby needs him. I still am fairly certain he will have a new car and gf by Xmas if i hurry up and make the final cut and say I'm not coming back (I don't want to do this until I have proper permanent accommodation sorted )

Bump

How do you know the prenup is binding? Because he told you so, perhaps?

What country do you live in? If you are in England or Wales then a prenup is absolutely NOT legally binding. I'm not sure about other jurisdictions; in some countries it is, other countries it isn't. A court will normally put the children's welfare first and foremost and, as you had a son together since signing the prenup, they will look at the fairest thing for the children - which might very well be that you and the children get to stay in the house and he has to rent somewhere.

Please get some legal advice.

Oh and I hope you didn't delete the recording despite his demands. Of course he wants them deleted as they are evidence of his verbal abuse of you. It's not "raking up the past" it's "evidence of a long-established pattern of unreasonable behaviour." It's probably not legally admissible if he didn't know he was being recorded, though.

I've had legal advice. I just worry that the outbursts are infrequent enough that he is not in the wrong (although he has admitted they have happened too often) I am in Scotland.

Ah, OK, Scotland is a bit different. I think the prenup still has to be "fair" but if you've had legal advice, they will know better than I do.

As someone wiser than I wrote on here previously, the only acceptable level of abuse is none. Nice followed by nasty followed by more nice is typical abusive behaviour. If they were nasty all the time then it would be far easier to leave them.

Somewhere upthread, didn't you say you'd contact him by text or email because if you spoke to him, he'd twist everything and you'd admit you were wrong and get drawn in again? Now you have spoken to him, and exactly that has happened.

You are not over-sensitive, you are not being silly. He does not treat you with any respect whatsoever and he twists and turns everything round - it's not him who was walking on eggshells, it was you. Please re-read your original post. Do you want the rest of your life to be like that? And the likelihood, as you know, is that it would only get worse.

Firstly, I've not posted on this thread before, so I want to say first: well done for getting out. That was a really brave step. Your practice runs have helped prepare you for this, don't you think?

He really is all about himself, isn't he? So he "knows he's done wrong." And? How is that going to help him to make the monumental change from abusive arse to all-round decent bloke?? Especially when he doesn't want to "rake over it" - clear sign how unimportant this is to him there.

Gotta love the melodrama of "self-preservation". He thinks he's star of his own little soap opera - or more likely, Hollywood blockbuster!

You know you don't have to listen to him now, don't you? You've decided to separate, therefore you can act like it. You don't owe him long heartfelt conversations about the decision. You don't need to listen to his health worries. You don't need to try to convince him that your decision is the right one.

The closer to no contact you can go, the quicker your recovery will be.

Thanks. I just feel bad about him and his health. He never thought I would leave. Yes the practice runs have helped me prepare and tuw reality is less bad than what I thought it would be. Thanks

That's a good sign, if the reality is better than you expected.

I felt bad about lots of stuff when I separated from my H - all the stuff that he told me to feel bad about, basically! Months later, he's doing fine and I felt like a new person within weeks.

for you.

So so much better! Thanks

And I think he'll have a new car and a new girlfriend by Xmas.

He sounds like my ex. Controlling money, the illness, etc. he is broken, permanently, and you can't fix him. Your life, if you go back to him, will be miserable. Your needs will continue to be irrelevant. Don't give your life up, and that if ur kids, just so he can maintain control. He will probably move on, as you have said, and he'll do the same to the next poor girl. He'll portray you as some monster too. History will be rewritten. You can't fix him.

I know he'll portray me as a monster and it's a small price to pay (even though I've always worried too much about what people think - this has taught me so much)

His health is his responsibility, not yours. He knows how to deal with it, so let him.

Imagine going back and what sort of state the loos are likely to be in......

Just checking in to see if you're ok running. And to remind you as the w/e is fast approaching that you should be immune to any contact he tries to make with you. No talking, emailing or meetings .... pleeeease!

Oh god, PLEASE don't go back to him. He's appalling.

He wasn't worried about the anxiety he caused you, was he? If you'd had a stomach ulcer as a result, he would've told you it was your own fault. Now that his stomach is playing up, he wants you to put him first.

When you said he left the toilet a mess every single day I felt sick. How disrespectful is that? That's a really awful way to behave and tbh I would've left him on that alone. He's not even fucking house trained and you know what? He knew he was making that mess and knew you would be cleaning it up.

As for the rest, it's far easier to stay away from him now than to go back and want to leave again. Hold tight and don't go back to this awful, awful man.

I'm still staying away. Not yet made the final cut as freaked out about being technically homeless but I know I don't want to go back.

You have children and are escaping violence, these 2 things will put you pretty much at the top of the housing list in most places, so don't let fear of homelessness drag you back to that awful non-relationship. Yes it's scary, but it will be ok, honest x

Hello
I've just read your thread. Well done, I am SO pleased you've managed to make the break.

My ex was similar, so you have my sympathy, and I do understand how much you didn't want to do it; we all hope that things will be different, none of us want to do it alone. But we don't realise how much they're grinding us down...

Stay strong. Remember- he is a capable adult who has as much choice as the rest of us - he has chosen to be mean and selfish. He can change- (maybe he will, although personally I have my doubts) but don't rush back just cos he's saying he's ill. Just think "how would he/ how did he treat me when I was ill" . If he's going to change, let's see the long term evidence, not just nice for a week.

It's self preservation on your part- you HAVE to look after yourself and the DCs. The recent past has shown he's not going to do that.

Good luck, you are definitely doing the right thing.

I've found a rental, still going to marriage guidance and I think he still thinks I'll be back for Christmas. Still swithering about going back although my gut feeling is he won't change permanently. Accidentally dropped his expensive razor blades down the dirty toilet last time I was there. It was a total accident and he had the audacity to ask if I had used the toilet first. Maybe he is deluded. He does genuinely seem to believe what he says.