Have I been touched by something malevolent? I'm just broken

[LittleBlueMouse]

I have been seeing a man I met 8 months ago via OD. We met, there was a spark but even early on I felt like I was one of those ballerinas you find in children’s jewellery boxes. He was turning the key and I would dance. Everything about this man seemed smooth, charming and well practiced from the words he said to the way he looked at me. I dismissed my intuition, but now I feel broken and sad. I have tried to end this situation three times but each time he reappears, always charming but never willing to talk honestly about what is happening. Yesterday, I tried again.

I will try and keep it short, but I don’t want to dripfeed. From the off, he has blown hot and cold. Three dates in and I receive a text “fancy sex next week” my response to this was curt but “yep, why not sex is fine” because well it is, in fact it was very good. I took the view that I would enjoy it for what is was and expect nothing. I continued to date other people and I wasn’t unhappy with this. However he has constantly pushed the boundaries with confusing messages, asking if I love him, why can’t we have children, our kids would be fab, he wants us to stay together forever, why don’t I make more time for him...this is just some of the things he has said. I have always hung back because I think subconsciously I have known that this man is dangerous.

He lures me in and as soon as I start to meet him on his own terms and tell him I love him he then backs away and we have silence for days. The sex has also suffered, as I have lost trust and he thinks he has me where he wants me, he has become selfish. In the early days it was very good and he was generous, giving and concerned about me but now it is emotionless, cold and all about him. He refers to sex and intimacy as though we are an assemblage of body parts, disconnected from real people.

He has wanted me to change the way I dress and look “tarty” change my hair and have it cut, and demanded that I make all sorts of compromises about how I spend my time. His previous relationships seem to have been dysfunctional and his family is very rough. He has a giant chip on his shoulder about “snobs” and feels that people don’t value him, his ex wife shit on him, his family are abusive and people around him don’t like him. He is always ill, there are always some sort of crisis happening out of his control and he is obsessed with his looks, age, diet and the way women fancy him. To start with I felt sorry for him and I guess maybe I thought he could be fixed. He makes jibes at me for speaking well, he tells me my life is fine, “what have you got to be stressed about” and generally seems like he dislikes what I seem to represent. I do have a nice life, I am busy and I do have good friends and lots of things going on. However I would probably have given this all away to be with this man.

Yesterday, I questioned him on something and basically said I thought he was a liar. He has ignored this and just continues as though all is well. I have tried to finish this three times, but he just ignores what I have said and never responds to it in anyway that shows he has understood what was said. I keep thinking it's me that is odd and dysfunctional, misunderstanding the signs or acting irrationally. I feel drugged, sad, dejected, objectified and only half the person I was 8 months ago I seem to want to always make concessions, try to understand him, try to please him and I feel too weak to walk away and really mean it.

I think he is broken too, a narcissist maybe? Can he help this? Change? Or how can I escape this, I actually feel shell shocked. Does anyone know what is happening here? Is this man knowingly trying to hurt me?

When you say 'tried to end it' - how exactly?
It should be easy.
One quick text. This is not working for me. Do not contact me again.
Done.
Then you block from everywhere. Phone, social networking, emails.
Ignore ignore ignore.

You just have to read back your OP to see that this man is an abusive controlling bully and you need to get the feck away from him.
So do it.

Stop enganging with him. He will get bored eventually and move on to his next victim.

Stop being such a wimp and stand up to him. No means NO!!
If all else fails - 'OH DO FUCK OFF DEAR' should do it!

You cannot get someone to change, they can only change if they want to. From what you have told us he doesn't show any inclination to change.

I don't think you are getting anything out of this relationship any more. What good can come from staying with a man who you say is dangerous?

Tell yourself that you cannot fix this man and nothing you can do can make him change. You cannot make him into the man you want him to be. You will never be happy with him.

If you want to end it, and I think you should, contact him and tell him so. Then don't respond to his texts, calls etc.

Make sure your friends are aware of what is going on and that you stay safe. You say that you think he is dangerous, you need to take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself from harm. Contact womens aid if you need to, just take care.

You're being subjected to emotional bullying. That's why you feel detached and depressed. This person through his actions and words is crushing your confidence and monopolising your thoughts. You are going against your better judgement, not being taken seriously, openly despised and he is exerting a huge amount of psychological control to achieve that effect. It is deliberate on his part... 'grooming' if you will.... and it's sinister. Significant that everyone else is dysfunctional except him. All bullies believe they are wonderful and it's everyone else with the problem

You can only LTB - there are no half-measures here.

The way you escape is to dump him and then drop all contact. 'Tried to finish' is not good enough. Block calls, ignore texts, change your e-mail and phone number if you have to. Any avenue you leave open to him he will exploit. Threats, persuasion, expressions of love, persistence, accusations,.... leave a chink in the armour and he will keep needling.

You are going to need help to stay out of contact. Do your good friends know what's been going on? Your family?

Do you find the situation dramatic and addictive?

There's something feverish about your writing style. You sound hooked, compelled.

In your imagination maybe it seems fascinating and doomed and complex...but really, he's just a mediocre loser who treats people like shit. Nothing special.

Take control of your life. This is just an illusion.

Hi LittleBlueMouse,

I had a similar situation insofar as I was in a relationship that I didn't want to be in as I felt under pressure, controlled and things were moving way too fast in a direction that I did not want. He told me he loved me, he wanted to do all manner of sexual things, he said he wanted to have children with me (even though he had a vasectomy years before meeting me), he told me I am beautiful and intelligent, but always in a way that made me feel bad about it...I did not end it until about 7 years later and am still trying to get rid of the controlling elements even though I have said the relationship is finished.

So I don't have any sage advice on how to do it, but I do want to say finish it now, don't get sucked into an endless trap for many years like I did. 8 months is early enough to just draw a big line through it. He may be broken, he may have issues but they are not your problem or responsibility, don't make them your problem. I hope you will get some people to give you ideas on how to actually do it. I know it's hard, I can say to you "Just ditch him", but I've been there, and am still there all these years later.

You change it by blocking his number and never seeing or speaking to him again.

Why do you need ask?

You sound like a drama llama and you are

hells I have tried. The first time it was a short curt text saying something quiet cruel...I thought this would be something that neither of us could come back from. And it was short and cruel. The second a short text and an email saying something quite true, but he ignores this, ignores what was said. Although I think he understood it and read it because he changes tactics. His behaviour changes and he is quite cautious. Then the fun starts again. He won't talk, won't go away.

Icon nothing out of it, no. Just feeling more and more sad, but strangely more desperate to make it work. Its strange, its like investing a fiver and walking and then being won over to invest your life savings and feeling that you have to stick it out just in case it pays off. Pathetic I know.

I don't think he is physically dangerous, no. I go from thinking "poor man, what a life" to "this man hates me because he thinks my life is better" so yes dangerous insofar as he wants to hurt me. He seems to have no empathy, he once said he would never cry if his own mother died and that he could easily just have sex with some sort of robot because it would be easier. But then five minutes later he is very affectionate and romantic. Its very confusing.

it's really not confusing at all.

You want to maintain the contact because in some perverse way you enjoy the attention and drama.

Please grow up.

Headfuckers tend to be confusing... Are you in one of the caring professions? Passing interest in psychology? Very dull/safe background? There will be some reason you find this damaged and dangerous individual compelling. Perhaps try to work out what it is.

Cog thank you, I feel you have it right. I just don't know how I have become this person that has allowed this man to do these things. I have always been strong.

For, those who think I am enjoying the drama, I am not. I am sorry if you don't like the way I write. I am crying as I type and not thinking very hard about what impression I make. I feel pathetic as it is without people telling me to grow up.

I have tried blocking but nokia flippin lumia is a mystery, it still stores and tells you when the blocked number makes contact

well if you can't block him, just hang up when he calls or tell him- and mean it- that you do not wish to hear from him again.

If he persists then contact the police and report him for harassment.

It's not hard at all- you simply have to want to do it.

If you are really serious about ending it then change your phone or your number.
You really CAN do this.
It's up to YOU to end it.
Stop engaging. Ignore.
So what if he contacts you. Don't answer and don't reply.
Then you can't get dragged back in again.
You say you are stong.
Find that strength and just end this.
Then please do the Freedom Programme!!!

But even though you can see when he has made contact you just continue to ignore - why do you keep responding?

Seriously stop trying to work out what's going on in his head and ignore him totaly. He realy doesn't warrant any headspace at all.

cog yes social work for many years, now writing for my supper! very intuitive people here.

That's why you feel detached and depressed. This person through his actions and words is crushing your confidence and monopolising your thoughts. You are going against your better judgement, not being taken seriously, openly despised and he is exerting a huge amount of psychological control to achieve that effect

This sums it up perfectly, that is it, but I am depressed and feel increasingly detached. Today I feel as though I have to send one final text. I have to find something to say. Strangely after having sent one yesterday and his weird response to it, things are quiet. So why do I feel like I want to make contact, even if its just to say "go away" I feel mad even thinking it. I would just like to move very far away, where there is no way this man can ever contact me ever again. But before I do, I want to hurt him back. I can't though can I? because he can't be hurt?

Why on earth are you wasting your time on this loser? Honestly, he doesn't like you, he doesn't care about you, and the sex is rubbish. You keep seeing him because occasionally he turns on the (fake) affection? Don't waste another second on him. You can't make this work, and frankly I can't see why you would want to.

Dump him and mean it. If he doesn't listen, so what? He can't force you to see him.

Can you spam his no lbm ? I know on Samsung you can. worse case scenario can you change your no ? End it and stop all contact... I now see how controlling my ex was .. what I should wear , what friends I could and could not have... All done very subtly but..... It gets to you in the end.My confidence was shattered, but now I am so much more confident again. Let today be the start...

If you want to hurt him ( I'm not sure that is a very healthy response though), then ignore him. He clearly loves reeling you in. Don't be caught. Move on and live your life well.

titchy He takes up all my head space. Against my better judgement.

So, I can't change phone, two year contract. Oh that is another thing, I changed phones so I could text him back. I was a lazy unwilling communicator, cool as a cucumber who couldn't be bothered at times to maintain contact...the answer, get easier phone! I am actually quite angry with myself, is that a good sign?

He sounds a bit mad OP. You really need to break loose and have no more to do with him. Contact police if he continues to harass you.

I don't think he is physically dangerous, no. I go from thinking "poor man, what a life" to "this man hates me because he thinks my life is better" so yes dangerous insofar as he wants to hurt me. He seems to have no empathy, he once said he would never cry if his own mother died and that he could easily just have sex with some sort of robot because it would be easier.

he is a nightmare. Love isn't supposed to be like this, it's supposed to be fun. Not painful. People who love you listen to the best of their ability. Not ignore everything you say.

Tell him again, tell him that you want no further contact and that if he contacts you again you will call 101. It sounds dramatic but this guy has more red flags on than a party in a red-dye factory. And do call 101 if you have to.

Don't let him ooze his way into and over your life becuase you don't want to go so far as calling the police on a non-emergency line.

He's poison.

This is probably totally off the wall, but still - a friend of mine, years ago, had something very similar to this. Just kept going back, didn't know why, but just had to. It turned out he had been drugging her and she was becoming physically addicted. Your phrase "I feel drugged, sad, dejected, objectified and only half the person I was 8 months ago" reminded me of that.

Sorry to freak you out, probably nothing in it.

Don't contact!

put your phone away if at all possible, and have a day without it.

Don't contact.
All of us can be caught up in the "drama" and the "wanting to get our point across", but the best thing is to just not contact.

If you write it could well be that you think of a great phrase and can't bear not to use it, but just don't - or write it down in a notebook to use somewhere else later.

Go through it cold turkey. When you feel your resistance weakening, do something (washing up, gardening, painting a room) so you can't easily just text. Get some exercise. Go out. Be busy!
You can get through this.

"Have I been touched by something malevolent?"

No, you've just entered a relationship with a wanker. So exit the relationship, job done. You are under no obligation to speak to him or answer his texts. Don't worry about hurting him, just wipe him from you life. It really isn't as hard as you make out.

I know you say you don't get off on the drama of this situation, but your posts really sound like you do. Have you considered counselling?

Tell him clearly that it is over. Don't answer the 'phone when he calls, don't answer his texts/messages. Don't answer the door when he comes round. As someone else said, if he persists, then it's harassment.