Have I been touched by something malevolent? I'm just broken

[LittleBlueMouse]

I have been seeing a man I met 8 months ago via OD. We met, there was a spark but even early on I felt like I was one of those ballerinas you find in children’s jewellery boxes. He was turning the key and I would dance. Everything about this man seemed smooth, charming and well practiced from the words he said to the way he looked at me. I dismissed my intuition, but now I feel broken and sad. I have tried to end this situation three times but each time he reappears, always charming but never willing to talk honestly about what is happening. Yesterday, I tried again.

I will try and keep it short, but I don’t want to dripfeed. From the off, he has blown hot and cold. Three dates in and I receive a text “fancy sex next week” my response to this was curt but “yep, why not sex is fine” because well it is, in fact it was very good. I took the view that I would enjoy it for what is was and expect nothing. I continued to date other people and I wasn’t unhappy with this. However he has constantly pushed the boundaries with confusing messages, asking if I love him, why can’t we have children, our kids would be fab, he wants us to stay together forever, why don’t I make more time for him...this is just some of the things he has said. I have always hung back because I think subconsciously I have known that this man is dangerous.

He lures me in and as soon as I start to meet him on his own terms and tell him I love him he then backs away and we have silence for days. The sex has also suffered, as I have lost trust and he thinks he has me where he wants me, he has become selfish. In the early days it was very good and he was generous, giving and concerned about me but now it is emotionless, cold and all about him. He refers to sex and intimacy as though we are an assemblage of body parts, disconnected from real people.

He has wanted me to change the way I dress and look “tarty” change my hair and have it cut, and demanded that I make all sorts of compromises about how I spend my time. His previous relationships seem to have been dysfunctional and his family is very rough. He has a giant chip on his shoulder about “snobs” and feels that people don’t value him, his ex wife shit on him, his family are abusive and people around him don’t like him. He is always ill, there are always some sort of crisis happening out of his control and he is obsessed with his looks, age, diet and the way women fancy him. To start with I felt sorry for him and I guess maybe I thought he could be fixed. He makes jibes at me for speaking well, he tells me my life is fine, “what have you got to be stressed about” and generally seems like he dislikes what I seem to represent. I do have a nice life, I am busy and I do have good friends and lots of things going on. However I would probably have given this all away to be with this man.

Yesterday, I questioned him on something and basically said I thought he was a liar. He has ignored this and just continues as though all is well. I have tried to finish this three times, but he just ignores what I have said and never responds to it in anyway that shows he has understood what was said. I keep thinking it's me that is odd and dysfunctional, misunderstanding the signs or acting irrationally. I feel drugged, sad, dejected, objectified and only half the person I was 8 months ago I seem to want to always make concessions, try to understand him, try to please him and I feel too weak to walk away and really mean it.

I think he is broken too, a narcissist maybe? Can he help this? Change? Or how can I escape this, I actually feel shell shocked. Does anyone know what is happening here? Is this man knowingly trying to hurt me?

"because he can't be hurt?"

Probably not. All that will happen when you properly dump him is that you will be added to his long list of 'people who have fucked me over' and the chip on his shoulder will reach Stonehenge proportions.

You want to make contact because I think you see it as a reasonable thing to do. And it would be if he was a reasonable person. However, based on past experience, you know that any communication however final is not taken seriously. If you get in touch, therefore, do so in anticipation of having to give evidence of harassment to a police officer at some point in the future. Make it an unambiguous, non-flowery 'it's over' & instructions not to be in contact. Send it via e-mail so that you have a record.

I think you should stay with him. He sounds like a really great person and you'll have a wonderful future together filled with happiness and contentment.

Ypu can block a number on a lumia

If he has a key to your home, change the locks. If he has access to any of your passwords, change them. Send the text. You don't need to give reasons, to say anything which he may or may not perceive to be final. Just be very clear. Do not read any replies. If you have any of his posessions at your home, ask a third party to drop them off. If he has any of your possessions at his home, write them off.
The fact that you are so analytical about how he has systematically dragged you down is really sad to read. gather your strength and do what needs to be done.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely yes I think that is the only way, the most obstructive thing I can do is ignore. But I am one of those people that wants to have my say, why? I don't know. I guess I feel I want him to know, I know what he is doing, why and I won't be a victim to it. I want him to know what he has done and to know that I know it and I am stopping it. I have tried ignoring it before, he simply goes quite for a week and then pops up again. So I shall be "ignoring" for a long time potentially.

If you block him and get on with your life he will know That speaks volumes compared to constantly engaging with him which just shows you are still in his clutches. Total cut off much more effective.

By communicating - whether it's to say you know what he's up to, or how it's making you feel, or that you're stopping it, or whatever - you are feeding the fire. A bully loves to get a response and they don't care if it's positive or negative. It confirms that they're having an effect. Rather like the Oscar Wilde quote... 'the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about'.

You are being a victim to it by continuing to let him reel you in though, sorry.

And yes, you will be ignoring him for a long time. Forever, hopefully. You don't have to be in limbo in that time, you can get on with your life.

It really does sound like you think you are helpless, but you aren't. You really aren't. He can only keep you hooked with your consent. There are women out there who ARE stuck with abusive wankers like this, because of children, financial abuse etc. You aren't in that situation. You can walk away. He's done everything he can to make you feel powerless, so show him you aren't. Sod having the last word, let your actions speak for you.

Yes I am analytical, not sure its helping!

And yes, I will become another "story of someone who shit on him" to tell his next victim, I am certain. I don't want to be a story, I want him to realise how he has hurt me, wasting my time I fear. His ex wife ended up on drugs. She was totally screwed over. He says because she had been abused. Maybe she had, but he probably felt attracted to her because she was vulnerable. He talks about her a lot and made several comments which have made me feel that I remind him of her. For the record though, I do not self harm, take drugs, or have previous mental illness, or history of having been abused.

The lumia stores the blocked texts in another folder Noddy. Totally silly thing. I think I am going to look for new phone and tell "man" that my son now has the old phone and number. I don't think he is silly enough to keep sending messages especially anything sexual to my son. Although I will give phone to friend for a few weeks first. If it is nowhere near me, I won't be reminded of him every time I use my phone.

Now, I need to work out whether I tell him he is an abusive wanker by email or not? I feel like I want him to know. I do know what he is but why do I love him? I'm so stupid. I can always change my email, and loose the old one. I am very tempted to tell him to go away but to tell him he has won, I love him. I want him to feel remorse. That's it I think, I want him to say sorry Any reasonable person would feel sorry if they hurt someone wouldn't they? I'm just too idealistic clearly. I can't seem to totally accept that people like him exist, or that if they do, they really do feel nothing for other people. Its not normal to be so manipulative and cruel.

I shall look into this freedom thing too.

He has no empathy. You know what that means. No amount of "convincing" evidence as to why you want this horror to end will have any influence on him. The only way to rid yourself of his malevolence is to go cold-turkey. I fear this man is potentially rather dangerous. To you, and anyone else he comes in contact with. Please protect yourself.

Mouse, most normal people want to be heard. But this guy is not like others. He isn't interested in listening. I don't think he sees you as another human being with a real, independent mind and personality; if he fits the pattern, you have as much chance of genuine communication with him as you have with a butterfly. Gorgeous colouring, not much there in the heart or brain department.

Very, very good idea about the phone.

Plan how to handle him when he turns up at the door.

Btw the drama thing - you don't read as dramatic to me. But just in case there's something in it (you'll know yourself), apparently the highs and lows of a 'relationship' like this can actually arouse the physical systems and trigger endorphins in the brain and you can become attached to the effect. One of the reasons why people find it hard to leave high-octane relationships no matter how destructive they get.

he once said he would never cry if his own mother died and that he could easily just have sex with some sort of robot because it would be easier.

Yet he takes up all your head space and you want him to realise "how he has hurt me, wasting my time" er, he knows that, he gets off on it when you bother responding.

Remember what we say on here when peculiar goady posters arrive, stop feeding the troll! Let this troll go.

Actually, this need for closure that you have is another facet of the hold you have given him over yourself. You already acknowledge that he is manipulative and unhealthy to be around, and yet you will not allow yourself to walk away. He will not apologise or accept what you say because he will never be able to see it. He is not fixable: he wasn't fixable when you wanted to be with him and he sure as hell isn't now. delete his number and email address and walk (or better run) in the opposte direction.

If you are on contract your provider will change your number free of charge within 48 hours.

Just a thought

Why would you tell him anything about your old phone if you go ahead and get a new one?

I want him to know what he has done and to know that I know it and I am stopping it.

This here is your main hindrance and the thing you maybe could consider tackling. You can't control him, you can't "out" him, you can't heal him. Whatever you say will never be his epiphany moment.

You have your journey, he has his. Let him go.

As a by the way - I actually do think he might be dangerous.

I am one of those people that wants to have my say, why? I want him to know, I know what he is doing
I want him to realise how he has hurt me

I have tried ignoring it before

For someone very analytical, you're missing the obvious here. He ignores you when you say something he dislikes. So you want to keep yelling, in hopes he will hear.

But he isn't deaf, he's just controlling the input. He's free to ignore whatever he chooses to ignore, no matter the volume. You're behaving a bit like a small child that keeps screaming "More!" after being told No.

Why the hell should he care that he's hurt you? He's been hurting you for 8 months, you still keep coming back and shouting "More!" He can block out your noise, he's proved that.

Analyse this

If you tell him how he's made you feel - then you are leaving the door open. You will be waiting for that "sorry". As soon as he says to you "I behaved badly, I'm sorry", then you can then think "well, I've got what I wanted, let's give it another go".

Tell him as little as possible. Just say that the relationship isn't working for you, and you do not want to have any further contact of any kind.

You think a man who texts you "Fancy sex next week?" is romantic and charming - and this is after you have met him three times?

Never mind the rest.

I think you enjoy your "victimhood".

and just to echo what garlic said...

the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over- and expecting a different outcome.

analyse that per your own behaviour.

Don't tell him you've given the phone to your son. I know you won't really give him the phone, just don't knot your son in psychologically.

By the way I don't dislike your writing style, it's full of vitality - but it does seem to betray a feverish sort of excitement which suggests there are other reasons you want to maintain contact (drama, feeling close to the life source, feeling intense emotion etc).

I wasn't trying to criticise you, I know it's tough when you find yourself in the middle of a 'thing' with someone who seemed so shiny but turns out to be awful.

Promise this will be my last metaphor!

You're on a river bank with a big, hungry crocodile. As its jaws open, do you try to reason with the crocodile, show it the error of its ways, and wait kindly for it to become your best friend? Running like fuck might be the better idea.

This is a fair analogy, before you try to refute it! You have no right to try and alter another person's nature. When you get into a relationship with an agenda to change the other person, you're acting like an abuser. I'm sure you're not ... so let the 'crocodile' do what comes naturally, and save yourself.

You do not need to tll him what you are doing with your phone????????

tipsytrifle I think you might be right. I know quite a lot about him and a bit about his family, so yes.

Every time I have tried to end it, or I have argued back, or made a point in quite unequivocal terms he has modified his behaviour and his approach. A friend looked at the texts from as far back as feb, and she said "LBM, he is sensitive, you are quite curt and unfeeling" and so it has taken me a long time to work out what is happening to me. To start with I was feisty and independent, demanding even, he seemed to feed off this. He told me he likes this but over time has worn me down. I eventually worked out that my being demanding and difficult seemed to signify to him that I cared for him. This is dysfunctional. I don't want him to start an argument so that I react. I just like things to be nice, fun, warm, easy...

He has always said "LMB, you never show your emotions" probably because I fear doing so, I know this is what he wants, a crying mess that begs. I refuse to give him this.

The weird thing is, I have actually kept him at a distance in many ways. I won't introduce him to anyone, he doesn't even have my full name and I have been cagey about where I live. He can't find me if I go no contact. Intuitively I have always known that I couldn't let him get too cosy in my life, to know where I live or anything. These are some of the reasons why I keep doubting myself though. I have intuition and follow it, but maybe it's me, maybe I can't be loved, maybe he is fine and it's me, maybe I do keep him guessing, maybe he doesn't know what's going on either.

But yes, the manipulation of my emotions, pushing the boundaries, wanting love and a future then playing games, that is him, not me.

I think your thread title shows you like living in a bit of a fantasy world.

Who would ask if they have 'been touched by something malevolent?

All you have done is get involved with a total arse but you don't want to accept that.

Is that because it shows you have poor judgement and ignore red flags?