Have I been touched by something malevolent? I'm just broken

[LittleBlueMouse]

I have been seeing a man I met 8 months ago via OD. We met, there was a spark but even early on I felt like I was one of those ballerinas you find in children’s jewellery boxes. He was turning the key and I would dance. Everything about this man seemed smooth, charming and well practiced from the words he said to the way he looked at me. I dismissed my intuition, but now I feel broken and sad. I have tried to end this situation three times but each time he reappears, always charming but never willing to talk honestly about what is happening. Yesterday, I tried again.

I will try and keep it short, but I don’t want to dripfeed. From the off, he has blown hot and cold. Three dates in and I receive a text “fancy sex next week” my response to this was curt but “yep, why not sex is fine” because well it is, in fact it was very good. I took the view that I would enjoy it for what is was and expect nothing. I continued to date other people and I wasn’t unhappy with this. However he has constantly pushed the boundaries with confusing messages, asking if I love him, why can’t we have children, our kids would be fab, he wants us to stay together forever, why don’t I make more time for him...this is just some of the things he has said. I have always hung back because I think subconsciously I have known that this man is dangerous.

He lures me in and as soon as I start to meet him on his own terms and tell him I love him he then backs away and we have silence for days. The sex has also suffered, as I have lost trust and he thinks he has me where he wants me, he has become selfish. In the early days it was very good and he was generous, giving and concerned about me but now it is emotionless, cold and all about him. He refers to sex and intimacy as though we are an assemblage of body parts, disconnected from real people.

He has wanted me to change the way I dress and look “tarty” change my hair and have it cut, and demanded that I make all sorts of compromises about how I spend my time. His previous relationships seem to have been dysfunctional and his family is very rough. He has a giant chip on his shoulder about “snobs” and feels that people don’t value him, his ex wife shit on him, his family are abusive and people around him don’t like him. He is always ill, there are always some sort of crisis happening out of his control and he is obsessed with his looks, age, diet and the way women fancy him. To start with I felt sorry for him and I guess maybe I thought he could be fixed. He makes jibes at me for speaking well, he tells me my life is fine, “what have you got to be stressed about” and generally seems like he dislikes what I seem to represent. I do have a nice life, I am busy and I do have good friends and lots of things going on. However I would probably have given this all away to be with this man.

Yesterday, I questioned him on something and basically said I thought he was a liar. He has ignored this and just continues as though all is well. I have tried to finish this three times, but he just ignores what I have said and never responds to it in anyway that shows he has understood what was said. I keep thinking it's me that is odd and dysfunctional, misunderstanding the signs or acting irrationally. I feel drugged, sad, dejected, objectified and only half the person I was 8 months ago I seem to want to always make concessions, try to understand him, try to please him and I feel too weak to walk away and really mean it.

I think he is broken too, a narcissist maybe? Can he help this? Change? Or how can I escape this, I actually feel shell shocked. Does anyone know what is happening here? Is this man knowingly trying to hurt me?

pinkfrocks, yes that makes a lot of sense too, thank you

I think then, the first thing I shall do, is as I say, give phone to friend. I am going awol for a while, I need to think. I love this man, whatever his faults. Wish I didn't. I am going to hide, think and work out whether some of it is with me and control. Although I always compromise for him, not the other way It used to be that he would make compromises, and not me. Maybe we can't power share!!! but maybe it is very much worse and he really does want to hurt me. That is how it feels right now.

Kormachameleon, thank you, I looked yesterday. I can block but do you realise it stores the messages? I would feel no temptation to look if I don't even have the phone, so that is better, but thank you.

But the fact that you compromise for him doesn't mean he has control.

What it could mean is you know that by keeping him happy ( at that moment) the relationship will continue and give you more time ( and power) to reach your end goal.

Slowly, slowly catchy monkey... type of thing..?

I am sure you have mentioned this in your other threads, but if not...I'd honestly suggest you get some counselling, or therapy of some kind, to help you understand your motives and drivers. You come over as someone who HAS to have what they set out to have, and tries to control others in order to fulfil those needs.

This isn't love, it's addiction. You're addicted to the drama and the 'challenge'. It's always a mistake to be tempted to try and 'fix' someone. Your pride won't let you give up on this ghastly man, but deep down you know you're going to have to do it, or the madness will reach boiling point.

Love isn't like this. It's delightful, fun, easy and fulfilling. It makes you happy.

Now cut off all contact with this weird person. Do not send any comments to him about the relationship or about him. Make it brief, firm and to the point. Then stick with it. Sit on your hands if you have to, but stay away. Over time your obsession will fade. But you need to examine what drew you to him, or you'll be off with the next weird bloke and doing it all again!

Absolutely.

I cannot express adequately how much I detest the holier than thou tone of some posters :-0
I don't think soul searching or self-blame are what's needed here, all this psyco babble is utter bullshit!!! She didn't wang to 'fix' him or anything of the sort, unfortunately she just got attracted to a knob head - god how come some women are soooo perfect??? It must be lovely for you up on your pedestals you've made for yourselves? Us plebs however just muddle through without such confidence and self assurance - god she fucked up with her judgement, it's not hard to do if your 'normal' not super woman - good luck OP, there will be someone nice out there for you, it's just putting yourself in the right placd st the right time - and if all else fails you could become a mad cat woman like all us other 'failures' ;-)))

OP: Your "man" is a player. Not a keeper. He's a knob as has been mentioned upthread. But, do read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Banfield.... And raise those boundaries.

Oh I think you've expressed it well enough MrsMindful.

But if you actually read what the OP says, she pretty much admits she is a 'fixer'.

I'm with ImperialBlether.

What is it that you want OP? Do you want him completely out of your life and all communication closed down?

You don't love him. Because he doesn't exist. He simply responds in a way that will get a reaction, any reaction, but absolutely none of it is real or true. He cares about two things: himself and keeping you on a string. How do I know this? Because my sister is exactly this way. I grew up with a person just like this, day in and day out, for 22 years.

You want to make this work, you want to get at his core, to the "real him" that you have seen glimpses of. You want him to say sorry and mean it, and for everything to be "normal." You don't want to be yet another chapter in his story of how the world has fucked him over. You don't want to be nothing to him, because he is not nothing to you. It is not going to happen, ever.

You have to accept that he will tell nasty stories about you. That he will believe you have wronged him and that you're a crazy bitch. You have to, as best you can, detach from that. Yes, he will make you out to be this horrible person who fucked him over, and some other victim will feel sorry for him because of the treatment you've supposedly given him, but this does not reflect on you as a person. You know you are good and kind. You know you are capable of love, of real love, and that all of his ideas of you are wrong. You can and should reject him and his opinion of you.

You cannot fix him. Because there is nothing to be fixed. There is no core, no "real him." He is like a cat playing with a mouse - he does whatever he can to keep the game going and he give no thought whatsoever to your feelings. Because to him, you do not exist. You, like him, are just a series of reactions. He pushes a button to get the reaction he wants, turns up and down the temperature to get just the right level of reaction. There is no pattern, no underlying thought process, no key to the inner life that will reveal what is going on behind the games. The games are it. You can play, or not play, those are your options.

Cailin, what a powerful post! And, yes, that's it - the game is all there is to it.

nauticant, three weeks ago I finished it by email and at that point I was very clear what I wanted. I now feel ambivalent like I don't care one way or the other upset because I "think" I love him but tired and battered. I think the reason I am sitting on my hands, saying and doing nothing to either finish it or even keep it going is because when I try to finish it he pops up again.

maybe you ought to take out the 'try' in 'try to finish it' and actually just finish it.

Your excuses remind me of my children who as toddlers, when they did something that hurt them, or was a minor disaster, they used to shout 'Look what you made me do!' In other words you blame someone else rather than yourself- which is what you are doing now.

You don't love him. If you do, then you really do need therapy because anyone who 'loves' someone who treats them in this way needs help.

I'd say you are addicted to the sense of purpose this gives you, the highs and lows, the tension and attention.

Honestly- find another outlet for your needs, whether it's rescuing animals or playing bridge but stop wasting your energy on this .

Thanks for your reply OP. If I read this:

I now feel ambivalent like I don't care one way or the other ... when I try to finish it he pops up again.

then I'd say you're going to be stuck in this pattern until you decide you want him out of your life. But for the moment, that's not what you want.

And, harsh as it is, I have to agree with pink. Just stop contacting him. That's it. The whole "trying to end it" thing is just bollocks.

have you considered getting in contact with his ex and seeing her side of it

cailindana, thank you. It is feels very much as you describe. I will be a crazy bitch because I stood up to him at the start, because I finished it, because I won't compromise, because I was always too busy, because I never showed my emotions. He says I never show my emotions, and yet whenever I show I can be tough and stand up to it, he reacts in weird ways. So I say "right well, I can't do that, if you can't make an effort, I am not either, like it or lump it" he would say something like "Oh I so want you now" err what? why?

I planned to talk to him face to face this week. We make a plan, lunch. The familiar pattern of avoidance over deciding where and a time, then eventually he says something has happened and then says "you come here, I'm free after 8" I say "no I am busy in the evening" because I refuse to be played around and because I can't keep moving my life around.

I think all I can do, is just go quiet, ignore and hope it goes away. If I end it even by saying no contact, and I have said this before, he will simply ignore and pop up again.

For avoidance of doubt, he contacts me. I do not initiate text, calls, or even make suggestions about going out, nothing, never have. I have never even said I would like to see him, never said when are you free, not once!

You are getting something from the 'game' and while you are it won't be over. Just ignore it all and it will stop.

I'm sorry but I think you are a bit bonkers.

It doesn't matter whether you contact him or he contacts you- or what he calls you.
The point is you respond and that's what he wants- a reaction. Any reaction. It doesn't matter what.

The way to end it is to tell him it's over. You don't have to hear any response or ever see/ speak/ text/ email him ever again.

If you do then you don't want to end it, you just like this mind game you are playing.

I am still getting over dating a brief headfuck after coming out of a abusive relationship in which I felt worthless.

Cogs post from 11:25 really hit home with me. I would do everything you can to mentally disengage with this man. He is very dangerous to your wellbeing. You will find it hard but in years to come you will look back and think... what was I thinking?

You decide when it ends. It doesn't matter what phone you have. Just don't respond to any communication. You don't sound bonkers. These 'nutters' do know how to press your emotional buttons.

I think all I can do, is just go quiet, ignore and hope it goes away. If I end it even by saying no contact, and I have said this before, he will simply ignore and pop up again.

This is what is bonkers...

He will ignore and pop up again.
How do you know he will pop up if you change your phone and email?

And if he does what then?
If someone making you talk/email. text/ see him?

Have they put a gun to your head?

Thank you, knowledge I feel bonkers now, never have before.

I agree pink I know it has to end and I don't get anything out of it. I have tried ending it three times. He played a "stunt" once to try and make me jealous and I walked. Not the reaction he expected, so I guess you could add that and make it four, and each time up he pops.

I think, all I can do is ignore. I'm busy until mid October, have told him this. Hopefully by then even he will have decided that's enough. I would love to be able to talk to him and make him see how he has made me feel, I wonder too how he sees things, because he never really talks about it. I don't think that is a possibility and so the only way to end it is to just go silent on him. I shall never know, never understand what is going on, what happened or why.