Have I been touched by something malevolent? I'm just broken

[LittleBlueMouse]

I have been seeing a man I met 8 months ago via OD. We met, there was a spark but even early on I felt like I was one of those ballerinas you find in children’s jewellery boxes. He was turning the key and I would dance. Everything about this man seemed smooth, charming and well practiced from the words he said to the way he looked at me. I dismissed my intuition, but now I feel broken and sad. I have tried to end this situation three times but each time he reappears, always charming but never willing to talk honestly about what is happening. Yesterday, I tried again.

I will try and keep it short, but I don’t want to dripfeed. From the off, he has blown hot and cold. Three dates in and I receive a text “fancy sex next week” my response to this was curt but “yep, why not sex is fine” because well it is, in fact it was very good. I took the view that I would enjoy it for what is was and expect nothing. I continued to date other people and I wasn’t unhappy with this. However he has constantly pushed the boundaries with confusing messages, asking if I love him, why can’t we have children, our kids would be fab, he wants us to stay together forever, why don’t I make more time for him...this is just some of the things he has said. I have always hung back because I think subconsciously I have known that this man is dangerous.

He lures me in and as soon as I start to meet him on his own terms and tell him I love him he then backs away and we have silence for days. The sex has also suffered, as I have lost trust and he thinks he has me where he wants me, he has become selfish. In the early days it was very good and he was generous, giving and concerned about me but now it is emotionless, cold and all about him. He refers to sex and intimacy as though we are an assemblage of body parts, disconnected from real people.

He has wanted me to change the way I dress and look “tarty” change my hair and have it cut, and demanded that I make all sorts of compromises about how I spend my time. His previous relationships seem to have been dysfunctional and his family is very rough. He has a giant chip on his shoulder about “snobs” and feels that people don’t value him, his ex wife shit on him, his family are abusive and people around him don’t like him. He is always ill, there are always some sort of crisis happening out of his control and he is obsessed with his looks, age, diet and the way women fancy him. To start with I felt sorry for him and I guess maybe I thought he could be fixed. He makes jibes at me for speaking well, he tells me my life is fine, “what have you got to be stressed about” and generally seems like he dislikes what I seem to represent. I do have a nice life, I am busy and I do have good friends and lots of things going on. However I would probably have given this all away to be with this man.

Yesterday, I questioned him on something and basically said I thought he was a liar. He has ignored this and just continues as though all is well. I have tried to finish this three times, but he just ignores what I have said and never responds to it in anyway that shows he has understood what was said. I keep thinking it's me that is odd and dysfunctional, misunderstanding the signs or acting irrationally. I feel drugged, sad, dejected, objectified and only half the person I was 8 months ago I seem to want to always make concessions, try to understand him, try to please him and I feel too weak to walk away and really mean it.

I think he is broken too, a narcissist maybe? Can he help this? Change? Or how can I escape this, I actually feel shell shocked. Does anyone know what is happening here? Is this man knowingly trying to hurt me?

sherlocksteacup, please read what I have said. As much as I would like to tell him how he has made me feel, as much as I want the last word, I know I can't. I have had the "last word" three times and it doesn't work. So now I have listened to everyone here and decided TO GO QUIET forever. I am going to give no explanation to him, I owe him nothing. I just need to stay strong now when he contacts me, and ignore.

Well done, Mouse. That is perfect. Hard to do; each time you find yourself thinking of him give yourself a mental shake and remind yourself that he makes you unhappy and always will. Then move on. It'll get easier every time.

I'm smiling now, LBM

I think you are growing to be a very Big Mouse indeed, ha! I'm an "explainer" too and very consciously have to tell myself to shut up when I start with the inner dialogue. It's usually self-critical and something of a downer with endless levels of complication.

Thing is, we're not only allowed to make mistakes but we're all design-flawed so that mistakes are actually essential. It's just a question of degree is all. We tend to learn exponentially from mistakes. Something about knowing the bad to appreciate the good? I dunno ...

You got snared and now you're getting un-snared. You'll learn from this and interrogate future suitors more specifically You're a healer of sorts too so, understandably, you want to fix people. Go for a simpler approach in your personal life. Happiness will do nicely, eh?

It's all good now. It would be the opposite if you tried to fix "him" but as you say, should temptation whisper you can rant on here!

ah, thank you peeps for you too.

I am growing into a Big Mouse!! having lost a stone in weight through stress over the last 8 months, in the last three weeks since I sent the last "lets end this text" I have managed to start eating again...yeeehooo, I can actually wear a size 10 without it falling off of me.

Brilliant, LBM! You sound so much stronger and in control at last. I'm happy for you. There's a lot of sunshine ahead I'm sure. Good for you!!

ouch, you must really have had it bad ... This sort actually are really really good at pressing the buttons to make themselves seem everythign a woman could want.

In a way you know, you were lucky that your bullshit/self respect detectors were good. A lot of people fall for this sort and become very, very unhappy people.

Keep strong < cheers her with >

make him see how he has made me feel

As you are realising, this will not be possible. Because of his personality defects. You won't be able to make him see anything.

It is very interesting you've had an 8 month relationship with him but he doesn't know your full name or where you live. You have been in self preservation mode in some respects throughout the entire relationship as your instincts told you all was not well.

However, you have been sucked in to a certain extent and I now sense a massive frustration that you are unable to make him understand that the problem has been him and not you.

You talk about him making contact again once you've gone quiet, but how is he actually going to do that if you've blocked email, changed phone etc and he doesn't know your real name and address?

If you can, perhaps this is a good time for a trip abroad. Sometimes a change in surroundings can make such a difference to our thinking.

It only takes one of you to let go for it to be properly over. That isn't going to be him. Can it be you? How would it feel to actually let this go now?

"As much as I would like to tell him how he has made me feel, as much as I want the last word, I know I can't. I have had the "last word" three times and it doesn't work. So now I have listened to everyone here and decided TO GO QUIET forever."

Think of it another way - you are having the last word, but very, very quietly :)

I do feel stronger today, sad but strong. Resigned to what has to happen and what I need to do because I don't want this in my life now.

FantasticButtocks yes, well to start with for me it was just sex and having seen him on his turf knew that I didn't want him actually too cosy in my life, or my home. As things went on he pushed for more. In retrospect, I think he only did this because I was refusing to compromise my time, make myself vulnerable and available and to give any indication that I cared. I think I knew from the outset what/who he is.

Unfortunately he does now have my real name, only possible in the last 8 weeks. I am unfortunately all over net because of what I do, so he has plenty of ways of making contact. Number is blocked but it will go to messages and texts in different folder. I can do this though, I want to.

Lemonylemon... quiet like a little mouse !

You talk about him making contact again once you've gone quiet, but how is he actually going to do that if you've blocked email, changed phone etc and he doesn't know your real name and address?

I posted exactly that some pages back.

I do hope the OP sees the logic- or lack of it - with this.

LBM- I too am 'all over the net' because of what I do- but my phone shows who is calling and if the number was withheld I'd not answer if I suspected it was someone I didn't want to talk to. If a message was left I'd delete. It's possible as I am sure you know to set up filters on your email that will spam any emails from anyone with his name, email address, or phrase he might care to use when emailing you.

OP has he tried to contact you since you ended it?

Three weeks ago, I sent very matter of fact text followed by an email, it took less than a week for him to make contact. I agreed to meet, with the intention of doing this face to face because emails/texts don't work. We agreed a time to meet/place he then wanted to change that so I went to his home in the evening, I said no, I am now busy until mid oct. I'm not busy everyday but can't be bothered to find a time. So, on Tuesday I tried again via text, he duly carried on with his usual limited rep and completely ignored or missed the point. Don't really care which it was.

I was going to give phone to a friend/upgrade although I like the phone. I was going to look at email, I have several, he only has one of them. I can either close it down or ignore.

Feel much stronger having talked this through, so I am simply going to ignore, so what, I shall see the message, I can ignore, it is a choice and that is now my choice. If it continues, so be it, it will be on his time not mine now. If he is what/who I think he is, he will hate being ignored so I guess its only a matter of sitting it out, it will stop.

LBM emails and texts WOULD work if you allowed them too.

If you say something is over, but then follow through by agreeing to meet, then your words in the emails are meaningless. Can you see this?

It's called 'giving mixed messages'.

It's the same as a mum telling a child no a hundred times then when the child ask 101 times the mum was 'yes'. so the child knows all they need do is keep asking and eventually they will get the response they want.

You need to mean what you say and follow it through with actions.

I recommend gmail for emails.They give the option to you add any words, phrases and the person's name that will result in the email being automatically deleted before you even know it's arrived.

sorry about typos- hope you can decipher.

I love the idea of having the last word but very quietly Lemony. That is exactly what you are doing, Mouse. Keep doing it!

Two things strike me.

Firstly, this man is charming and can pull you.

Secondly, he is doing so because he can, not because of you.

If a man is a sex god in bed, that can confuse the issue ( it shouldn't but it can) but he isn't, it's just another weapon in his armoury to manipulate you.

You seem well adjusted socially, plenty of men will want you for what you are, not what they want you to be for their own reasons.

If you're busy until mid October and this guy doesn't even know where you live he's not exactly a huge part of your life is he? If you receive a call or message from him, ignore and phone or meet up with a friend if you feel you need help not to respond. Remind yourself you do not want this man in your life and get busy doing something else. it won't be long and he will move on.

Well done, Mouse I don't know you, of course, but I feel you sound more like Yourself in today's posts! Eating food has probably helped with that ... you did know, didn't you? Your mind and body both rebelled against this 'relationship'. Nothing wrong with your instincts; just your susceptibility to the empathy trap to work on, and you're sorted :)

Pinkfrocks we all have 'issues' - some of us are just a little more caring and patient than others - btw I don't have a temper and never have - report away!

Well done you LBM!

now writing for my supper!

So, you're a writer?

GarlicSeptimus tnx for pouting out wat a duffer I am!

Lucylloyd13 yes I am not flattered it's me in the web. I could be anyone silly enough to have fallen into it.

Garlic I do feel very much better today. I feel quite positive and feel that I can overcome any compulsion to respond to him. I am busy, I want to be happy and he just makes me miserable. Plus I can eat without feeling sick and anxious. I am busy cooking haggis, celebrating the yes vote! I am being positive.

tispy yes but not novels, not poems, not journalism or even advertising jingles, but he knows and he would know where to find me. It's a part time thing. I mentioned it because of the comments on my writing style.

Quiet today, and may remain so for a few days because I challenged him on something. This is good because the longer the silence the more resolved I shall feel