Have I been touched by something malevolent? I'm just broken

[LittleBlueMouse]

I have been seeing a man I met 8 months ago via OD. We met, there was a spark but even early on I felt like I was one of those ballerinas you find in children’s jewellery boxes. He was turning the key and I would dance. Everything about this man seemed smooth, charming and well practiced from the words he said to the way he looked at me. I dismissed my intuition, but now I feel broken and sad. I have tried to end this situation three times but each time he reappears, always charming but never willing to talk honestly about what is happening. Yesterday, I tried again.

I will try and keep it short, but I don’t want to dripfeed. From the off, he has blown hot and cold. Three dates in and I receive a text “fancy sex next week” my response to this was curt but “yep, why not sex is fine” because well it is, in fact it was very good. I took the view that I would enjoy it for what is was and expect nothing. I continued to date other people and I wasn’t unhappy with this. However he has constantly pushed the boundaries with confusing messages, asking if I love him, why can’t we have children, our kids would be fab, he wants us to stay together forever, why don’t I make more time for him...this is just some of the things he has said. I have always hung back because I think subconsciously I have known that this man is dangerous.

He lures me in and as soon as I start to meet him on his own terms and tell him I love him he then backs away and we have silence for days. The sex has also suffered, as I have lost trust and he thinks he has me where he wants me, he has become selfish. In the early days it was very good and he was generous, giving and concerned about me but now it is emotionless, cold and all about him. He refers to sex and intimacy as though we are an assemblage of body parts, disconnected from real people.

He has wanted me to change the way I dress and look “tarty” change my hair and have it cut, and demanded that I make all sorts of compromises about how I spend my time. His previous relationships seem to have been dysfunctional and his family is very rough. He has a giant chip on his shoulder about “snobs” and feels that people don’t value him, his ex wife shit on him, his family are abusive and people around him don’t like him. He is always ill, there are always some sort of crisis happening out of his control and he is obsessed with his looks, age, diet and the way women fancy him. To start with I felt sorry for him and I guess maybe I thought he could be fixed. He makes jibes at me for speaking well, he tells me my life is fine, “what have you got to be stressed about” and generally seems like he dislikes what I seem to represent. I do have a nice life, I am busy and I do have good friends and lots of things going on. However I would probably have given this all away to be with this man.

Yesterday, I questioned him on something and basically said I thought he was a liar. He has ignored this and just continues as though all is well. I have tried to finish this three times, but he just ignores what I have said and never responds to it in anyway that shows he has understood what was said. I keep thinking it's me that is odd and dysfunctional, misunderstanding the signs or acting irrationally. I feel drugged, sad, dejected, objectified and only half the person I was 8 months ago I seem to want to always make concessions, try to understand him, try to please him and I feel too weak to walk away and really mean it.

I think he is broken too, a narcissist maybe? Can he help this? Change? Or how can I escape this, I actually feel shell shocked. Does anyone know what is happening here? Is this man knowingly trying to hurt me?

GarlicSeptimus I once had a real crocodile bag! Not now though, ick. Yes, you are right, I don't want to change anyone though. He told me about his life, his job, his stresses, his concerns, his illness, and I thought "poor man" I honestly thought in time that things would improve for him. I also thought how unfair, because I am happy and I want to make him happy. He tries to laugh and cover it over but then he betrays himself by saying something deep and meaningful and its often gloomy and pessimistic. He is walking contradiction full of outlandish dreams he will never achieve and pessimism to the extent that he seems like a lost child, not me.

I keep doubting myself though. I have intuition and follow it, but maybe it's me, maybe I can't be loved, maybe he is fine and it's me, maybe I do keep him guessing, maybe he doesn't know what's going on either.

You kept him at a distance because you correctly surmised he's a 'crocodile'. You fear you may have been wrong, because he's invested 8 months of red flag waving into provoking such doubts.

This may have been an experimental episode for you. The experiment is now over. Time for a new project - the next one should probably be with a person who understands "nice, fun, warm, easy... " Less drama & more respect, perhaps :)

pinkfrocks, if only it was a fantasy. I know the difference. I can't be bothered to argue, I have had enough emotional crap to last me a life time. I don't want to be upset, angry or to argue my case. I came here because I wanted help to understand why I had allowed this to happen to me not sympathy, not hurt, not to have to take more abuse off anyone, thank you anyway.

Work out what you want to happen. Bear in mind he won't change.

Then work out how you can make it happen. Stop making excuses about your phone etc.

xpost

One useful rule of thumb is "You can't love a mixed-up person better".

Have you ever read Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue?

May I apologise for my unfinished and consequently rude post calling you a drama llama? There was an end to that thought but it's now forgotten.

Some of you posters are sooo nasty - no two people are the same, the way the OP behaves in this situation may not be the way some of you would, and may not suit you, so why bother to comment??? Talk about kicking somebody when they're down - I'd hate to have friends like you!

To the OP - bullying and emotional abuse knocks you sideways? And unlike some on here, I totally get that you are struggling to extricate yourself from this, it doesn't make you a drama queen, attention seeker or freak as some seem to be suggesting - Infact these posts rad actually undermining you and are just adding to the bullying you are already on the receiving end of. You have or have had feelings for this man? They don't just end even when you 'know' it's going nowhere or that it's 'not right' - the personality problem is his - if you have good friends and a good life, the prob doesn't seem to lie with you? Just stay strong and determined that you know this guy is not for you - or probably anybody - and just keep telling him this and try very very hard to keep busy and not leave yourself open to his persuasive ness - it won't work and never will, he is a complete FW and will never change - so many sad wastes of space out there, you're better off alone, lonely maybe bug with peace of mind Xxx

"and I thought "poor man""

If you want to understand how you've got suckered in here, this is key. You said you had a history in social work. There's an attraction. You want to make him happy. You say very clearly that you don't want to believe that anyone could be so deliberately malicious and unpleasant... you want to believe the 'poor man' is damaged and therefore fixable given a chance. But the kindness gets exploited, you keep going back offering more chances and you keep getting hurt in the process. That's where it goes wrong.

You are not alone. Plenty of people get sold a 'poor man' line and the reasons can be quite creative and varied. Everything from (allegedly) crap childhoods, unstable exes, dysfunctional backgrounds, 'MH issues', malevolent people out to get them .... the determined manipulator will use any of these things to get you on board. Once you've bought into the 'poor man' version of events, everything that subsequently happens however horrible can be rationalised as not being their fault. 'It's not them, it's the illness talking'. 'They don't understand that they are causing pain because they psychologically damaged' etc.

Reading all of what you have written then I think you should stay well clear of men until you get your own head sorted out and raise your self esteem.

You seem to be attracted to men with ishoos..

maybe the same issues as you? This is how you described him

he feels that people don’t value him, his ex wife shit on him, his family are abusive and people around him don’t like him..

Any chance the attraction is- subconsciously- to someone like yourself? someone who has been abused?

There is a theory that we are attracted to people who are a mirror of who we are - or could be.

I'm not abusing you- I'm offering some blunt talking to try to cut through the crap and excuses.

You need to work on yourself, understand why you accept so little ( ie 3rd date and he asks for sex by text- wow- really pushing the boat out there wasn't he with romantic and caring behaviour) and steer clear of men until you get your 'Arse Radar' more finely tuned.

Thank you I shall have a read. Perhaps that can shed some light on how this has happened. I feel stupid. I now have to deal with the practical things, phone, email, no contact etc,... Afterwards I shall have to think about the "why" to this. The only thing I can think of is that two fairly life changing things have happened to me. Maybe that made me vulnerable.

Going to give phone to friend, upgrade mine and eventually give phone to my son. Will get rid of email address, today.

Mindful Thank you. Yes I do love him, still do. Sadly can't just switch off how I feel. And cog is right and no pink you are wrong.

I had an idyllic childhood, quite cosseted and protected though as an only child. I have had three long term relationships with lovely caring men, no abuse whatsoever, I simply didn't love them, or not as they loved me. I have two wonderful level headed Dcs and lovely supportive friends. Some who know some of what has happened, but I don't tell them everything, I feel too ashamed about it. So, no "man" and I are nothing alike in anyway. Which I mentioned earlier.

Cog I care, I want to help others, I might not be an open book, I might not always show my own emotional side, but I always try to see the best in people, always. I am optimistic by nature and always think that things can be made good. I am wrong though. I think that is what seems to hurt so much. I am so scared that somehow I haven't tried hard enough and somehow I have failed to make him happy with me. Oh, and I am a perfectionist in everything else, maybe I have some issue with self esteem, but its not because of past abuse, or shitty life experiences.

I don't think you do "love" him though, Mouse. Because he's infinitely unlovable. There are probably various reasons why you're finding it hard to break with this man, and even miss him being in your life. Neediness, loneliness, dependency etc. But how could it be love? Could you love a rock?

But Mouse, you wrote this in your previous posts.
I have had enough emotional crap to last me a life time

not hurt, not to have to take more abuse off anyone,

How are people to know that you haven't been in abusive situations when you write this?

Ah... a perfectionist. That is significant. From the 'snob' jibes you're also reasonably successful and comfortable in life. People with those characteristics tend to be very tenacious and strong-minded. They are problem-solvers and crisis-handlers. They reject the idea of failure to the extent that they will keep trying long after someone else would give it up as a bad job. They do not walk away from a challenge.

This makes them a terrific person to have in your team within an organisation. The same traits do not necessarily translate to relationships. Some 'challenging' people simply have to be given up on, walked away from, do not respond to extra effort.... and, by doing so, it does not make you a failure.

Yes pink I have had enough emotional crap over the past 8 months to last me a lifetime.

You might be caring Mouse and want to see the best in someone, but that should not be to the extent of taking crap behaviour from a man - and going back time and time again for more.

You need to learn how to combine your altruistic side with your self preservation side.

To echo what Cog says but in a different way- it might not be only altruism- it might be about control and always wanting to control the outcome of something.

You might want to reflect on whether you are a controlling person and don't give up or walk away ( when other people would) because you think you can change someone or something to suit your own needs.

Then it becomes not so much about what you can do for them, but what you are getting a kick out of for you.

Calling the op a drama
AMA is in no way helpful. She is in an abusive relationship and they are the hardest to get rid off. My ex used to criticise my background too. In fact he used to criticise anyone who wasn't him. It took me ages to leave as he had such a hold.
Just get rid ASAP op before he does any more damage.

Drama lama I meant!

Yes, I don't give up on challenges. I see any challenge and think I can reckon with it. I have always been strong willed, which is what "man" said he liked.

To start with, it was very much me that held the power, to walk away, to say no, to say yes, to call time, to decide when, where and how. Despite what others have tried to imply. When he first texted "Sex next week" I was happy with that. That's all I wanted because I had worked out that he and I are so different. What happened next is that he pushed for more, this where he got more demanding emotionally and tried to instigate reactions in me. Of course, I bit because I am demanding, a diva who has to get her own way. The way he did this set the tone of the relationship, as adversarial rather than calm, kind, nice, Its only later that I eventually "give in" and say "I love you" that the real fun starts though. He goes from being like a cold shower to the warmest, most romantic, profoundly caring and intense person you could meet in minutes! and back again. And I can't cope with it. I am emotionally fixed and once I do care, I do, can't switch it off.

It can't be fixed. I still think he wants to hurt me. He only wanted me because he thought he couldn't have me, only wanted me because he dislikes what he thinks I represent, and hates me because the thing he wanted is broken anyway, not as strong, or self assured as it used to be. Now that is dysfunctional. I know it.

Thank you to those people who have been kind x

I would read up on co-dependency re your own self because you seeing him as a potential challenge or project played right into his hands. He read you all too well and played you like a violin. People are not puzzles to be figured out.

You do read as co-dependent and people pleasing and all that needs to be reigned right in as of now.

Love your own self for a change.

superstarheartbreaker, do you think they criticise our background because that really gets to who we are? It sends a message that right at the core you are not good enough. With him, it was often subtle things, why do you say this or that, why do you use this word rather than another, why do you sound like you do? and things like "this village is full of people like you" and "no one here likes me, I am not one of them" or "yes, well middle class hypocrites always think that way" and so it went on. In the end I felt really self conscious talking about myself, my children or my family.

You still need to consider if being emotionally fixed as you say is really about you exerting control and never, ever, letting go.

It's fine to be tenacious but it is not fine to never ever see the point of walking away from situations that are destructive and outside your control, ultimately.

If you are a qualified social worker than I'd have thought you'd have a grounding in psychology.

Your post to superstar BTW shows how gullible you are.

He was winding you up FGS!

Poke you and you react. He got that sorted in his head pretty fast.

"I have always been strong willed, which is what "man" said he liked. "

I think you'll find he said he liked it but he actually found it a threat. What greater thrill for an inadequate bully then than to take this strong, kind, self-assured woman and steadily chip away at her confidence until she's pleading with you to love her on the one hand and trying to dump you on the other.

It's deliberate and it's nasty.