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Original poster

Have I been touched by something malevolent? I'm just broken

158 replies

LittleBlueMouse · 17/09/2014 10:57

I have been seeing a man I met 8 months ago via OD. We met, there was a spark but even early on I felt like I was one of those ballerinas you find in children’s jewellery boxes. He was turning the key and I would dance. Everything about this man seemed smooth, charming and well practiced from the words he said to the way he looked at me. I dismissed my intuition, but now I feel broken and sad. I have tried to end this situation three times but each time he reappears, always charming but never willing to talk honestly about what is happening. Yesterday, I tried again.

I will try and keep it short, but I don’t want to dripfeed. From the off, he has blown hot and cold. Three dates in and I receive a text “fancy sex next week” my response to this was curt but “yep, why not sex is fine” because well it is, in fact it was very good. I took the view that I would enjoy it for what is was and expect nothing. I continued to date other people and I wasn’t unhappy with this. However he has constantly pushed the boundaries with confusing messages, asking if I love him, why can’t we have children, our kids would be fab, he wants us to stay together forever, why don’t I make more time for him...this is just some of the things he has said. I have always hung back because I think subconsciously I have known that this man is dangerous.

He lures me in and as soon as I start to meet him on his own terms and tell him I love him he then backs away and we have silence for days. The sex has also suffered, as I have lost trust and he thinks he has me where he wants me, he has become selfish. In the early days it was very good and he was generous, giving and concerned about me but now it is emotionless, cold and all about him. He refers to sex and intimacy as though we are an assemblage of body parts, disconnected from real people.

He has wanted me to change the way I dress and look “tarty” change my hair and have it cut, and demanded that I make all sorts of compromises about how I spend my time. His previous relationships seem to have been dysfunctional and his family is very rough. He has a giant chip on his shoulder about “snobs” and feels that people don’t value him, his ex wife shit on him, his family are abusive and people around him don’t like him. He is always ill, there are always some sort of crisis happening out of his control and he is obsessed with his looks, age, diet and the way women fancy him. To start with I felt sorry for him and I guess maybe I thought he could be fixed. He makes jibes at me for speaking well, he tells me my life is fine, “what have you got to be stressed about” and generally seems like he dislikes what I seem to represent. I do have a nice life, I am busy and I do have good friends and lots of things going on. However I would probably have given this all away to be with this man.

Yesterday, I questioned him on something and basically said I thought he was a liar. He has ignored this and just continues as though all is well. I have tried to finish this three times, but he just ignores what I have said and never responds to it in anyway that shows he has understood what was said. I keep thinking it's me that is odd and dysfunctional, misunderstanding the signs or acting irrationally. I feel drugged, sad, dejected, objectified and only half the person I was 8 months ago I seem to want to always make concessions, try to understand him, try to please him and I feel too weak to walk away and really mean it.

I think he is broken too, a narcissist maybe? Can he help this? Change? Or how can I escape this, I actually feel shell shocked. Does anyone know what is happening here? Is this man knowingly trying to hurt me?

OP posts:

cailindana · 17/09/2014 17:48

There is nothing to understand LBM. Believe me. Don't drive yourself mad chasing shadows.

YoBitch · 17/09/2014 17:49

I once saw a man like this. I felt addicted - whenever I contacted him I got this horrible nauseous feeling where I knew I was doing the wrong thing and hated myself for it..but..just..couldn't..seem..to..stop.. (argh!)

I finally broke free by forcing myself not to text him. this happened 4 years ago now and he still periodically tries to make contact with me through various social media - I have him blocked on everything. I think you have to work on the assumption that no matter what you do to tell him it's over - he will keep trying to contact you and reel you back in. he now knows he can do this - you've let him 3 times - he knows he's in control and he ain't letting go. its a game to him although he'll deny it is. people like him use emotions to their advantage, which is why he can turn it on and off. it makes him feel powerful. its up to you to stop the game. you'll feel a million times better once you do, I promise.

knowledgeispower · 17/09/2014 17:56

He won't give a shiny sh*te how you feel. Don't even waste another minute of your time with this prat. This all very easy for me to say, I'm on the outside looking in.

Do you want him to completely break you? Because he will.

WipsGlitter · 17/09/2014 17:56

What do you mean "up he pops"? Is he stalking you?

How can you "try" to end it? Just stop contacting him, answering texts or calls, delete emails. You ARE in control here if you choose to be. Stop prolonging your own agony.

PlantsAndFlowers · 17/09/2014 17:59

'Touched by something malevolent'

Meerka · 17/09/2014 18:03

You really don't understand why? Look up some of the signs of manipulative men. Look at the explanations.

At the far end of the spectrum are the people who are sociopathic. They might know how you feel but they don't care. Who you are, what you want, what you feel doesn't matter to them.

it's a bit of a stunner when you realise that you, your happiness and your suffering don't make a pennysworth of difference to the person you're with. But that's the case here. He just wants to play games and you're the counter he's got in his hand at the moment.

The counter doesn't argue back to the hand that's picking it up and down. What it thinks and feels isn't relevant. The only thing that's relevant is the power kick of having the counter in the palm of your hand.

CuriouSir · 17/09/2014 18:05

Classic player antics. Ditch and never contact again

tipsytrifle · 17/09/2014 18:21

Darn it - I was sure you were ready to step into your own light, free of the darkness ... you are, aren't you? Thing is, I empathise with your headline imagery. There are people who drain energy and I have no problem calling them vampires. Some people are so dark I have no problem thinking that they are in thrall of Darkness. You may well be caught in the web of a dark soul. It is also perhaps weirdly appealing to be so wanted when "up he pops"

But we are not damsels and, sadly, knights are in short supply. Rogues and vagabonds abound, however, with all the attraction of their bad-boy ways and tales of injustice. But they'll drain you like any vampire worth its stake in the heart.

Do whatever, Op, but please ditch this guy .. be your own hero!

MrsMindful · 17/09/2014 18:52

Yea I just feel very sad for you, that you are having to face the reality that men are like this -I didn't have a clue until I read the Lundy whatshisname book, even tho I grew up without my father in the home bcoz my mum divorced him due to his abusiveness, and I was briefly involved with a sly, manipulative, charming good looking loser! It wasn't until I was emotionally bullied enough by my current partner that I started to seek answers and found them in the the scary Lundy book - this doesn't make me somehow lacking - I fact I'd say far from it - I wasn't cynical, confident, experienced or worldly wise and I trusted almost everyone - that does not make me to blame for being bullied, and nor does it make you to blame OP - the only thing you have to do is just accept the fantasy that has been spun by you both for the short time you've been involved, don't best yourself up and just chalk it up to life

Jux · 17/09/2014 19:20

Get a new sim. Keep the phone. Ring your provider, tell them you're being harrassed or something and need a new number. Providers are usually pretty good about it, and will send you a new sim. Block his number on the phone and delete all his contact details.

Do the same with emails; just block him in every way you can, and so that you can't contact him either, or find old emails or whatever. FB, Twitter, the lot.

You need to get rid of him and any evidence that he ever existed! He is an very nasty person and will drag you down until you don't recognise yourself and have to spend years rebuilding yourself. Stop him now.

tipsytrifle · 17/09/2014 19:20

excellent post MrsMindful ...

MrsMindful · 17/09/2014 19:34

Thank you tipsytrifle I do try

Original poster

LittleBlueMouse · 17/09/2014 21:14

tipsytrifle, you have made me smile.

Meerka, I think you might be right too. I just have this niggling feeling that this man doesn't have a type, isn't fussy. He told me he didn't even fancy his wife when he married. I get the impression that it really doesn't matter who I am,or how I am except that I play the game. According to him, we have something special, few people are as attracted to each other and equally so. I thought this was strange when it was said, because I am fussy and I don't just date someone I am not fussed about. Whereas his statement made me think that he could, and has, but if that is so, then those person(s) would still perform some function. I don't think that's company or friendship, because he is a bookish bore who likes his own company. He just sounds better and better

One last thing, does anyone know, do people like him generally have no sense of humour? he isn't funny in the least.

Thank you all, I will re-read thread when I feel weak, or when the call/text appears. Might have to post here and rant instead of responding to him.

OP posts:

pinkfrocks · 17/09/2014 22:58

I doubt if very few of us know anyone like him.

And stop analysing him.

Just let it goooooooooooooo.

Stop. Thinking. About. Him.

Fmlgirl · 17/09/2014 23:11

What do you mean by change your hair? All the other stuff is just as bad but he's met you like that, what would be wrong with it. This man sounds horrible

MrsMindful · 17/09/2014 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GarlicSeptimus · 18/09/2014 00:54

LBM, you seem to be describing an isolated misanthropist who can't be bothered to care about anyone but himself, finds little joy in life and rings you up for a shag now and then. I'm sure he must have some redeeming qualities, but all the same ... You're wasting yourself!

Come on, tell us some lovely things about You, and your own life in general :)

GarlicSeptimus · 18/09/2014 00:57

I doubt if very few of us know anyone like him.

It's a double negative, MrsM She's saying most of us do know someone like him! (Though not very well, since most of us avoid them nowadays ...)

temporaryusername · 18/09/2014 01:32

For goodness sake OP, this man sounds so wrong for you on so many levels, has so many red flags that I can't even begin to list them right now.

This is going nowhere, and there is no point waiting for him to end it. He may not, and also you will just be worrying over this while you are away. This isn't going anywhere good, you know that. So you just contact him in some way, today, and say that as you've indicated before this isn't working for you. You still feel that and this time you want him to respect it and not attempt to contact you again. If he asks why, say there are very many things wrong and the relationship does not make you happy - if you really feel you must vent add one harsher comment about his treatment of you but keep it brief and calm, and don't engage with him. If he says you should be happy, tell him you were before you met him. Do not accept that things should go on because you need to do something or change in some way to make it work. NO. He is not the man for you, and you don't need to change.

So thanks, but no thanks. If he persists with one or two texts, ignore them. If he calls once or twice, reject call. Any further attempts text him saying that you will call the police if he continues to contact you and report harassment. If that doesn't bring silence, call the police.

Don't spend another minute wondering who he is or what he thinks or trying to get revenge. End it, he is far from the kind of man you want to find, and move on.

sherlocksteacup · 18/09/2014 04:25

So basically despite many posters giving you excellent and quite simple advice ie block do not contact you seem to be looking for reasons to contact not sure what you advice you are looking for. Is having the last word more important than moving on with your life? Seems like it is

Blueistheonlycolour · 18/09/2014 04:59

Clearly you like to explain yourself.
You are comparing this man to your own upbringing and beliefs that have been set in you because of your upbringing.
His are different. He will not react in the way you want him to because he's not you and has different experiences.
Stop trying to analyse him and just fucking STOP.

flipflapsflop · 18/09/2014 05:50

Have a read of "The Empathy Trap" by dr Jane McGregor & Tim McGregor. May help you understand what's happening and help you get back to "normal"

RebelRobin · 18/09/2014 06:32

He is a sociopath who seeks out women like you. When you first met him I bet you wondered what he saw in you as he was so wonderful/good looking etc

You need to be strong and let him go

Bohemond · 18/09/2014 07:15

Is having the last word more important than moving on with your life?
^
This
and
Stop trying to analyse him just fucking stop
^
This

pinkfrocks · 18/09/2014 07:56

MrsMindful Perhaps you ought to deal with your own issues if you get so worked up about this .

I've reported your post by the way. Learn to control your temper a bit maybe?

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