New husband wont cook, clean, work

[Peonysandblueglass]

during the week I work as a Nanny and arrive home at about 8pm I then make dinner for my new husband and myself.

Recently I've arrived home to find that there's no food so I have to drive to the supermarket, do the shop then drive home unpack and cook tea.
I earn about £120 a week whereas DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.
I don't think it's fair that I always cook, we initially made a deal that if I cook he washes up but just lately he's been leaving the washing up for a day or two which means the following nights there's no room on the side board to cook.

We wrote up a kind of contract when I first moved in that house work such as hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc we would do on a Saturday morning.
He doesn't do this so Im finding that unless I ask him nothing gets done and I do everything.
I am a full time student and a part time Nanny so during the school term I am out of the house more that full time hours while he just has lovely 3 day weeks and doesn't help at all around the house unless I remind him.

It all came to a head last night when I got home (very hungry planning to ask him in an adult way whether he could cook for me when Im working late) he was on the sofa watching tv at 8pm and when I went to the fridge to get some food he said "we haven't got anything, I have been waiting for you so we can go food shopping"

I hit the roof, asking if he really thought I wanted to go food shopping after getting in from work at 8 whilst he has just been sat on his arse since he got in at 6, I angrily said; " you don't need to wait for Mummy to come home" I said that I wish he would think "oh Peonys been working late maybe I'll stick a potato in the oven for her" He responded saying that he didn't know when I would be getting home (he could just text. It just annoys me that I'm doing y side of the bargain but he isn't doing his.

He reacted very angrily back and stormed out to go shopping.

Later that night I told him that I feel Im getting a raw deal out of this marriage so far and set out everything I have above. He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

Im so angry because he is being so adamant that he wont cook and hes forcing me into the role of the nagging wife which, frankly I refuse to do any more. HE SHOULD JUST DO IT!

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Honestly, marriage is a partnership and if he's torn up your 'contract' already then I think you should split while you still have your self-esteem intact. He obviously has no respect for you, sorry.

Hm, OP everyone on here told you not to marry this guy but you were determined to. He refused to move house because of his cat before and made you live in filth. Right, he sold his stuff but he very clearly does view you as the 'Mummy' figure.

He went part-time because you moved in. I think he's a lazy parasite who views you as a servant.

You want a relationship that doesn't break down over domestic arrangements?

Get rid of this one ASAP so you can start looking for a normal relationship.

Life's too short. Live, learn, move on.

Have you only just moved in? Was he like this before marriage (sorry, not sure on timescale?)

So this mam has a child that he must be paying for, and should be saving for her future, bit as soon as you come along with your £150, he decides to work 2 fewer days a week. Apart from the fact that he's a lazy good for nothing who's totally taking advantage of you, he doesn't give a shit about his kid either.

I'd be packing my bags.

Previous thread

Erm apart from the shopping and cooking, he went down to part time hours as soon as you moved in?
Was there any other reason other than he couldn't be arsed?

Peony... You've had some really great advice here and you MAY have an opportunity to turn this around but the window for that is getting smaller.

You may not want to live like posters have described but either you jolt this lazy, useless man out of his reverie or you don't and you can go back to your unhappy married life as a put-upon wife.

I don't know how long you were with him before you married but he doesn't sound like much of a catch really. Anybody who loved their husband/wife would think of them when they're out working and make sure that they have something to eat if they work crazy hours and the other person doesn't. They'd make sure there was food at home at least.

You have the raw end of the deal yes, but you keep accepting that deal and you seem so desperate to keep your husband however he is rather than sort him out or cut your losses, that you'll put up with seemingly anything.

You know that he's showing contempt for you, it's really obvious that he is. He wouldn't if you stood up for yourself, he might even have some respect for you if you showed him that his laziness and selfishness in all areas cuts no ice with you. This is your opportunity, OP, you're not clinging on to a long marriage with children.

Can I just check that I've got this right please? It seems so unbelievable that I'm thinking I must have the wrong end of the stick....
When you got married and you moved in with him, he reduced his working hours because the money you were bringing into the home could be used to make up his loss of earnings....is that right?
So he has no ambition, no wish to make a better life for the two of you, didn't want to have "extra" money that could be used for...I don't know....Internet grocery shopping to be delivered...doesn't want to save up for anything - house, holiday, car?
Run. Run as fast as you can, and don't look back.

But I don't want to live like that (me eating my meals him his) Then - what? You don't want to be a nag, you don't want to eat alone to teach him a lesson, you dont want to LTB, what next? you put with it for ever, is what.

He will not change - why would he? He has a lovely 3day working week, lazy 4 day week, you pay half the bills, you do all the housework/cooking/cleaning and you cook and pay for his DDs food. What, exactly, does he do for you (except sell his stuff on eBay - did you see any of that money? If everything is 'joint' now....??)

What does he do for you? And if (as I suspect) it's actually very little, why are you putting up with it?

Stop moaning on here and do something about it.

Lazy men who want to dodge any form of work and who see women as being their servants are ten a penny unfortunately. Selling his stuff on E-Bay was obviously a grand gesture which, in the world of the con artist is known as 'the convincer'.... you've been duped, basically. I'm staggered that he opted to go part-time once married, seemingly to do nothing more constructive than spend more time sat on the sofa. You only earn £120/week and you're expected to bankroll his idle ways. He saw 'nanny' was your job description and that's what you've been recruited to do for him

I'd say 'LTB' but I think you're going to have a HELL of a job to get this shiftless arse out of your life.

DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.

Im 30 he's 40

He's 40 and he's gone down to part-time hours because you have moved in?!?! Fucking hell, OP you have saddled yourself with a booby prize, and I don't need to read your other thread to know that. He's a lazy, parasitic arse, that you are now going have to take care of. Good luck with that.

Ah I saw the previous thread! hadn't linked the two in my mind - thanks scarlet

OP I'm starting to think you have a pathological need for attention, rather than actually wanting advice. Which was, don't marry him. And now is, leave him. There really is nothing more to say or do.

Hang on, he was a hoarder? And he got rid of all his stuff when you told him to?

Do you think he might be transferring his issues from the hoarding to 'not looking after his environment?

In my experience mental health issues like the need to hoard don't just go away to the tip with the hoarded rubbish when you have a clearout.

I think you both have to get to the bottom of why he is so apathetic about his personal space and caring for his wife. It doesn't sound like normal "lazy bloke" behaviour going by his previous issues.

He's now works part time because you bring home a measly £120 a week?
Sorry I don't see a bright future.

Thanks Scarletforya.

Oh OP. Bloody hell. That thread was dated July, presumably August was marrying month and it's now September. Did you think nobody else would marry you or something? What is keeping you in that house and marriage?

I wouldn't be packing my bags. I'd be fucking packing his.

I'm appalled. What a useless, lazy, cocklodging parasite.

when dh worked 60hrs a week and me only 20 i did the majority of cooking cleaning school runs etc.Then when he had time off after his heart attack he did most of the chores a nd meals.I feel sorry for you op.I feel sick for you.My dh has often said he expects a cooked meal when he gets in but wont have what kids like! so he has something out of the freezer.You shouldnt have to ask him to pull his weight,a real man just would !!

OP... why do you post on MN? You were given an almost unanimous 'don't marry him' on you last thread but you went ahead. Fair enough.... there's a lot of pressure to get married when everything's organised. Now things are much worse already and you're going to get an almost unanimous 'LTB'... which I suspect you're also going to ignore.

What do you want people here to say? That he has MH issues and there's some ground-breaking treatment available? That if you do 'X, Y & Z' he'll magically turn into a decent human being and discover a work ethic? Do you want tips on batch-cooking? The number of a cleaning agency?

There's an expression .... 'flogging a dead horse'... and this horse is only going to get deader.

I've just read your previous thread. What is the matter with you? I have no idea-not one-what made you marry him thinking he would change?

What does he do while you're out? Does he study/work/have some vastly important thing he must be doing rather than cleaning and cooking?

My DH and I recently moved to a much cheaper area of the country than we were previously living in. We struck a deal under which I would only work part time (having, up to this point, worked about 50 hours a week my whole working life) on the basis that a) he loves his job b) we didn't need so much income and c) I would do EVERYTHING else. And I do - I clean, cook, do all the admin, look after family members on both sides and generally make sure we have a nice relaxing time when he's not at work.

To me that is a fair division of labour. And even so, my DH takes the bins out and washes up after dinner. It's mutual respect and consideration. Where is his respect and consideration for you OP?

It's no good suggesting this and that to try and get him into line. He must love things the way they are, all his needs met with an absolute minimum of effort or input. 'Feed my daughter!' indeed! You're still young and can get out of there. Do so! Immediately! I also think you might work on your self-esteem, as you're obviously prepared to put up with total shit from an arsehole for no returns whatsoever. You deserve far more. Why can't you see that? Please get up the bottle to pack and go.

I would continue to cook and clean and do everything and quietly hope that,in the face of overwhelming evidence that he doesn't give a shit and has no intention of changing, he will one day just spontaneously start pulling his weight

Yes, I'm sure that will work. And better that than a broken relationship.
Plus this is the honeymoon period so that bodes well too.

What on earth do you see in this awful man?

I've just gone back and reread your previous thread.

Yeah, not sure why you married him, or what you expected to happen.

Is there some additional information that would make this whole thing more comprehensible? Like he's a sex god, or he rescued you from pirates or something? Because I'm just not getting it.