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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New husband wont cook, clean, work

249 replies

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 07:52

during the week I work as a Nanny and arrive home at about 8pm I then make dinner for my new husband and myself.

Recently I've arrived home to find that there's no food so I have to drive to the supermarket, do the shop then drive home unpack and cook tea.
I earn about £120 a week whereas DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.
I don't think it's fair that I always cook, we initially made a deal that if I cook he washes up but just lately he's been leaving the washing up for a day or two which means the following nights there's no room on the side board to cook.

We wrote up a kind of contract when I first moved in that house work such as hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc we would do on a Saturday morning.
He doesn't do this so Im finding that unless I ask him nothing gets done and I do everything.
I am a full time student and a part time Nanny so during the school term I am out of the house more that full time hours while he just has lovely 3 day weeks and doesn't help at all around the house unless I remind him.

It all came to a head last night when I got home (very hungry planning to ask him in an adult way whether he could cook for me when Im working late) he was on the sofa watching tv at 8pm and when I went to the fridge to get some food he said "we haven't got anything, I have been waiting for you so we can go food shopping"

I hit the roof, asking if he really thought I wanted to go food shopping after getting in from work at 8 whilst he has just been sat on his arse since he got in at 6, I angrily said; " you don't need to wait for Mummy to come home" I said that I wish he would think "oh Peonys been working late maybe I'll stick a potato in the oven for her" He responded saying that he didn't know when I would be getting home (he could just text. It just annoys me that I'm doing y side of the bargain but he isn't doing his.

He reacted very angrily back and stormed out to go shopping.

Later that night I told him that I feel Im getting a raw deal out of this marriage so far and set out everything I have above. He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

Im so angry because he is being so adamant that he wont cook and hes forcing me into the role of the nagging wife which, frankly I refuse to do any more. HE SHOULD JUST DO IT!

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
schroedingersdodo · 18/09/2014 11:27

OP, how do you feel about his background, family and education?

LoisPuddingLane · 18/09/2014 11:30

a) I don't think you are an idiot, but some of your choices are verging on idiotic.
b) If you don't leave the bastard, you will get more, and more, and more of the same.
c) I don't know what sort of father he is but he's not a very good role model.
d) Don't know anything about your therapist.
e) If you stay with him you WILL be miserable. Have you SEEN the number of threads you've started about him?
f) I'd go with lazy cunt rather than autistic.
g) He is abusive. Abuse is not necessary physical. Disrespect and contempt is abuse too.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/09/2014 11:32

Refreshed my memory by looking up your earlier threads peonys.

You said on a previous thread he was keen on working part-time to have more time with his DD. That sounds nice of him but unless she is home-schooled I imagine at 7 she's at school most of the year Mon - Fri. He collects her from school, versus working hours that would write off debts and see you financially secure.

A burst of frenetic housework yesterday to convince you he's pulling his weight but how long will that last?

You are not a materialistic person, you mention more than once how simply he likes to live. At the same time he was glum about 'scrimping and saving'. Funnily enough you two had very different approaches to debts. He didn't seem bothered about paying his off. You were keen to contribute equally to expenses when he was drawing a bigger salary. Now you're getting home at 8pm to find his lordship lolling and the cupboards bare, I would be questioning why he is so entitled.

Looking ahead to having a baby together you were even prepared to pay him back any money he paid during maternity leave. Unfortunately, when discussing finances with regard to starting a family,

he's been acting all shocked tonight. Like he'd never even thought about money when we have kids. He's now avoiding me.

Later he told you he'd only go along with having DCs to be with you.

He is ten years' older so you reasoned he's worked longer therefore gets to deserve a different pattern of work if he likes whereas you're still in harness so to speak. I would be concerned about redundancy or ill health because when the unexpected happens it's good to be flexible and frankly I am not sure he'll have your back.

His parents are wealthy so he may have some idea that at some point in the future he and his DB will inherit and be comfortable. That could be years' away and what if they live to a ripe old age and require nursing or care homes, or there's a stock exchange crisis and the promised sums evaporate?

I am not quoting these snippets to be mean. I know you must feel heartsick when posters are telling you that this relationship is built on sand. Back in May there were warning signs but here you are, married.

nomdemere · 18/09/2014 11:36

If he's lazy now, he'll be MORE lazy, not less with children in the house. Looking after kids properly is hard, hard work, and lazy people don't do it well.

namechangedforthisonehere · 18/09/2014 11:44

Inheritiance - he is 40, his parents could be 65 - 70...in good health they could live another 25 years.

so any inheritance would not be till you are in your 50s.....

Oh thats assuming that the house/funds are not taken for any personal care etc that is needed....

He is very lucky...

He is a terrible role model.......

How long have you actually known him....

dreamingbohemian · 18/09/2014 11:49

I am also struck by the fact you feel more hopeful after reading this thread of people telling you there is no hope. It explains a bit why you keep posting.

I suspect that as you have never had a happy or easy life, you actually get energised when confronted with impossible and miserable situations, whereas most people would find them draining and try to get out of them.

I think without serious therapy this will never change and, frankly, nothing we write will make any difference. This will be your life forever. Which is fine as it seems to suit you but I hope you understand that from the outside, we are all desperately sad for you, because it's just another woman wasting her life on some asshole who treats her like crap.

namechangedforthisonehere · 18/09/2014 12:11

Why did his first relationship fail.....

LoisPuddingLane · 18/09/2014 12:44

This thing about "he's worked longer so gets to deserve a different pattern of work if he likes" - this is wank. I'm older than him by a fair bit and I could not survive on a part time wage. Probably neither could he without you bolstering him financially and doing everything for him.

Being 40 is not some free pass to being a lazy cunt. Most of us expect to work full time until retirement because things cost money. Part time work just doesn't cover it. Unless you have someone else subbing you.

Peonysandblueglass · 18/09/2014 12:45

I am hopeful due to his change in behaviour, acknowledgement of what he's done wrong and apolagy

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 18/09/2014 12:47

The change in behaviour yesterday, after you blew up at him? This is not going to last. Please see this.

BlueBrightBlue · 18/09/2014 12:52

OP, I'm curious to know how long you've been in a relationship with this man ?

Castlemilk · 18/09/2014 13:03

Wishing you all the best, OP, but I'm sorry and I agree with all the rest. I guess time will tell, please don't hesitate to come back when if you need to.

LoisPuddingLane · 18/09/2014 13:04

Next thread will no doubt be "I'm pregnant and he won't talk to me. Or get off the sofa. And he's started hoarding again."

Vivacia · 18/09/2014 13:07

I am hopeful due to his change in behaviour, acknowledgement of what he's done wrong and apology

And if I was in your situation I would be hopeful too. I would need to give him once last chance.

I do think it has to be one last chance though OP otherwise this will just wear you down. I'm not saying divorce him, but I'd want to live in separate homes and with separate finances.

BlueBrightBlue · 18/09/2014 13:11

LoisPuddingLane

I hope your predictions are wrong, but judging by the other threads I have read it is likely.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 18/09/2014 13:18

Followed by "I have a newborn and he won't do much to help, also I have to pay for everything for the baby plus 50% of the bills from my maternity pay."

namechangedforthisonehere · 18/09/2014 13:19

Sorry did not put humpty dumpty together

Did you ask him how he will manage his debt long term

Can I guess he does not have a career or has ever had one and he works pt in a minimum wage job

But you are out forging a new career for yourself

You are his gravy train..

But he apologised.....

namechangedforthisonehere · 18/09/2014 13:20

PT = 16-20 hours a week

Say ball patk 130 quid.

Minus travel to work and CSA - 100 a week...

So he is left with 400 a month....

That would barely cover my rent....

Ah thats ok he has someone to share bills...

How many hours a week are you out the house - studiyng or working....

LoisPuddingLane · 18/09/2014 13:23

I have yet to see one good reason in any of these threads for staying with this chump. Unless it's like when people buy a ruined house in France with the dream of complete renovation. Doesn't work on people though.

BlueBrightBlue · 18/09/2014 13:32

OP, do you and your husband have any friends? Is there someone in RL you could talk to, to make sense of all this?

If you have a baby with him you are the one who will be doing the loin's share of the caring for him/her and he's going to justify this by saying
" you wanted this baby, not me" like you say to a child that yes dear, you can have a hamster if you promise to clean it's cage, feed it and so on.

namechangedforthisonehere · 18/09/2014 13:35

as no one has said it (except you)

LTB

LoisPuddingLane · 18/09/2014 13:41

LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD LEAVE THE BASTARD.

namechangedforthisonehere · 18/09/2014 13:45

except she wont listen......

Ever

BlueBrightBlue · 18/09/2014 13:52

I don't want us to frighten her away.
Poor girl needs all the help she can but what can we do?
She has to make her own informed choices and hopefully one day soon she'll wake up and think;, " I deserve so much more than this shit"
and go.

IndiaKnightGarden · 18/09/2014 14:00

Jeez OP, we only get one shot at this life. Do you really want to waste it on this wanker?