New husband wont cook, clean, work

[Peonysandblueglass]

during the week I work as a Nanny and arrive home at about 8pm I then make dinner for my new husband and myself.

Recently I've arrived home to find that there's no food so I have to drive to the supermarket, do the shop then drive home unpack and cook tea.
I earn about £120 a week whereas DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.
I don't think it's fair that I always cook, we initially made a deal that if I cook he washes up but just lately he's been leaving the washing up for a day or two which means the following nights there's no room on the side board to cook.

We wrote up a kind of contract when I first moved in that house work such as hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc we would do on a Saturday morning.
He doesn't do this so Im finding that unless I ask him nothing gets done and I do everything.
I am a full time student and a part time Nanny so during the school term I am out of the house more that full time hours while he just has lovely 3 day weeks and doesn't help at all around the house unless I remind him.

It all came to a head last night when I got home (very hungry planning to ask him in an adult way whether he could cook for me when Im working late) he was on the sofa watching tv at 8pm and when I went to the fridge to get some food he said "we haven't got anything, I have been waiting for you so we can go food shopping"

I hit the roof, asking if he really thought I wanted to go food shopping after getting in from work at 8 whilst he has just been sat on his arse since he got in at 6, I angrily said; " you don't need to wait for Mummy to come home" I said that I wish he would think "oh Peonys been working late maybe I'll stick a potato in the oven for her" He responded saying that he didn't know when I would be getting home (he could just text. It just annoys me that I'm doing y side of the bargain but he isn't doing his.

He reacted very angrily back and stormed out to go shopping.

Later that night I told him that I feel Im getting a raw deal out of this marriage so far and set out everything I have above. He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

Im so angry because he is being so adamant that he wont cook and hes forcing me into the role of the nagging wife which, frankly I refuse to do any more. HE SHOULD JUST DO IT!

Any advice greatly appreciated.

You will work full time....

He will give up work

You may or may not have kids

If you do he will "babysit" and when you return home there will be a messy house and a hungry baby....

And you will have marking etc to do....

But hey you stuck by your man :(

Why did his previous relationship end? Was it because he was a cocklodger?

OP, if you leave him I'm sure you'll find friends and family very supportive.
I expect they already have a good idea that he is not "good husband material".
I know of a couple of people who've had very short marriages; 2nd for both of them; they knew when to throw in the towel.
Don't flog this dead horse any longer than necessary.
You, will have children, either with someone else or on your own, but you mustn't be saddled with this lame excuse of a man.
Go home to your Mom for a while and feel what it's like to be taken care of for a change.

Your happiness is worth far more than a few grand spent on the wedding.

I have never lived with my Mum, she had mental health problems leaving her unable to cope. My dad brought my sister and I up single handedly I think I mirror him in the carrying the world on my shoulders when I don't need to. Beleive me I wont stick around if things carry on as they have previously.

Out of curiosity, what does he do on his 2 days off while you're out at work?

He doesn't do much but says from now on he'll do 2 hours house work each of the days

He does pick his dd up from school and have her for the afternoon and night

2 hours house work out of a full day :(

It is sad your expectations from a "man" are so low....

I'm sure your dad would love to have you back home for a while.
I used to carry the weight of the World on my shoulders too. I've mellowed in my old age and am happy to let someone else pay for meals etc; previously insisted on splitting everything down the middle.
I don't think you can properly commit to your husband or even trust him. In a healthy and nurturing relationship we learn to surrender some of our control.
Sorry if we sound like bullies but we really hate to see anyone suffering the way you are.

He will do it, for oh, maybe a month. Sits on his arse working part-time whilst you pay half even though he had debts.

He's a lazy, shiftless cocklodger.

Cocklodgers can only lodge when they have an enabler.

What a loser, 40-years-old and working part-time and in debt.

Peonysandblueglass, what are his parents like? I only ask because originally my hubbie was very, very similar to yours. We had some horrible times. I couldn't work out why we were married, was awful. I soon found out that he was living exactly like his parents -dad does nothing and mum does EVERYTHING. He genuinely hadn't thought this might not be okay. We did LOTS of talking/ shouting (usually me)..eventually he actually did improve.

He'd never had to lift a finger until I came along...he had been brought up to be selfish. Maybe I did 'baby' him a bit initially, but it has helped, here are some of the things I did:

1-Thanking him when he does do work/ making it very clear how it helps me.

2- Subtly pointing out how his friends do their bit in house. (Pointing out how awful I think it is when we see friends who don't seem to do their bit).

3-Rather than having an argument, I'd make it clear that I understood why he didn't want to do any work, he had never been made to do anything till he met me, I agreed its hard now but we must perservere..it will get easier..

4-We did have a cleaning rota for a good while -I think that can help sometimes.

5-Many years ago we also had a cleaner. I told him it was fine if he 'couldn't clean' but then we would have less money for holidays etc. Money goes on cleaner.

6- I wrote down exactly how long I spent doing housework/ cooking each week and how little he did.. it was so obviously wrong that he couldn't disagree.

1. One of the issues might be that he doesn't know how to cook/ clean/ make good meals/ organise stuff. Most people like doing stuff they are good at. I spent time teaching him how to clean/ showing him that he can do it. Getting him to experiment in kitchen (he's actually mus=ch better than me). Try giving him specific jobs that he can do initially.

Now, he does all dishes, cooks several times a week, does all clothes washing (and hangs stuff on line) and does other jobs when prompted. He is a different man.

I don't know if any of this will help you but just wanted to put forward a different perspective.

:-)

Frankly OP I have read this and your previous thread in shock. I don't want to be rude but you are letting all of Womankind down. By putting up with this mans behaviour you are only encouraging men to say women should not be allowed equality they don't know how to handle it.
I do apologise for my words but frankly, although I am a man your partner is taking the P&SS. I have a daughter and would hate her to end up with such a useless example of mankind.

If you do have a baby, you will get family tax credit, possibly working tax credit and he won't have to work at all.
You will still have to pay maintenance for his daughter though.
Food for thought.

lookingforsunshine, he's 40.

That really does help, i think I'll try the counting the hours Ive cleaned for etc.
He was put in Boarding school aged 8 and stayed boarding til he went to Cambridge aged 19.
I think his childhood damaged him and he was going to therapy for a while. He is subsequently full of blind spots things that I find really obvious about running a home, don't enter his head.
He wants to begin functioning properly, he definitely does but just doesn't seem to know how.
His mum and dad are Hyacynth Bouquet personified, majorly snobby and judgemental.

He has just cooked and is now washing up. He's quite black and white all or nothing about things. He either gives me total power or takes all for himself I just fit housework in as I go along

Why are you cutting him so much slack OP, he' a grown mad.
Most people are a bit crap with money when they leave home but in most cases they soon get their act together. He's a 40 year old man and he's had 2 whole decades to sort himself out.
His had a top class education and he must be bright to have got into Cambridge. He's pulling a fast one, can't you see that?

I wonder if he has Aspergers Syndrome. I wouldn't be surprised.

I didn't realise he was 40-my hubbie was much younger (in 20s) but still worth a try, for a set period of time-if nothing helps when you've shown him stuff,etc, then consider other options (like moving him out) but I don't think you are at that stage yet.

He does sound like he wants to change. He may never reach stage where he can do 'what needs doing/ do jobs as he goes along' but if can't do set jobs etc when you've shown him how then there is a problem. My hubbie will ignore plant that's fallen over (not clean soil off carpet) but does many other jobs. I accept this won't change.

I'd try everything for a set amount of time (I told myself I'd put up with it for 6 months and no more).

Good Luck

mad! Freudian slip or typo?, you decide.

I spent my young life visiting my mum in mental hospitals, I had my dad and my sister, dad was lovely and very good at cooking. We had very very little money but Dad smoked weed throughout- he met a woman when I was 6 they had a very shouty relationship and would argue alot... He had a heart attack when he was 40 and I was 14, when he was staying in hospital for 3 months she was slipping out in the evenings after tucking us up in bed and sleeping with a 25 year old local heroin addict, so on and so forth

OP have you ever had therapy yourself? I don't think you're an idiot, it sounds like you learned some very damaging relationship patterns growing up and therapy would help you unpack those and find a happier life. You are only 30, you should not be living this kind of life.

Let me ask you a question that I found extremely helpful when I went to therapy years ago:

If you look around at all your friends and family, does anyone have a relationship that you think is good and would like to have yourself?

The reason I found this helpful is because it made me realise that no, actually I had no healthy relationships I could try to copy. So I had to learn from scratch. People with normal childhoods take for granted this kind of stuff, some of us have to learn it.

If you do know of a good relationship, what do you think is good about it? this is a good starting point to see what is missing in your life and what you deserve.

oh peony. thats so hard.

Have you had therapy? Its not for everyone but in your case I'd think it would be vital.

I also have a feeling you need to do the Freedom Programme actually.