New husband wont cook, clean, work

[Peonysandblueglass]

during the week I work as a Nanny and arrive home at about 8pm I then make dinner for my new husband and myself.

Recently I've arrived home to find that there's no food so I have to drive to the supermarket, do the shop then drive home unpack and cook tea.
I earn about £120 a week whereas DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.
I don't think it's fair that I always cook, we initially made a deal that if I cook he washes up but just lately he's been leaving the washing up for a day or two which means the following nights there's no room on the side board to cook.

We wrote up a kind of contract when I first moved in that house work such as hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc we would do on a Saturday morning.
He doesn't do this so Im finding that unless I ask him nothing gets done and I do everything.
I am a full time student and a part time Nanny so during the school term I am out of the house more that full time hours while he just has lovely 3 day weeks and doesn't help at all around the house unless I remind him.

It all came to a head last night when I got home (very hungry planning to ask him in an adult way whether he could cook for me when Im working late) he was on the sofa watching tv at 8pm and when I went to the fridge to get some food he said "we haven't got anything, I have been waiting for you so we can go food shopping"

I hit the roof, asking if he really thought I wanted to go food shopping after getting in from work at 8 whilst he has just been sat on his arse since he got in at 6, I angrily said; " you don't need to wait for Mummy to come home" I said that I wish he would think "oh Peonys been working late maybe I'll stick a potato in the oven for her" He responded saying that he didn't know when I would be getting home (he could just text. It just annoys me that I'm doing y side of the bargain but he isn't doing his.

He reacted very angrily back and stormed out to go shopping.

Later that night I told him that I feel Im getting a raw deal out of this marriage so far and set out everything I have above. He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

Im so angry because he is being so adamant that he wont cook and hes forcing me into the role of the nagging wife which, frankly I refuse to do any more. HE SHOULD JUST DO IT!

Any advice greatly appreciated.

I would just accept you made a big mistake, that you've found yourself landed with a cocklodger, and file for divorce.

Certainly don't waste your fertile years on this feckless sponger, and do not get pregnant by him.

Honestly?

He's 40. He won't change. LEAVE.

Sounds like he's done enough to get his new mummy moved safely in, ring on the finger, 'right, I'm safe now - I was fearing old age as a lonely hoarder with no-one to cook for me and pick up my shit - oh and do the parenting with my daughter - now I can relax.'

It's great to see that you simply won't put up with it, and I hope you move on before you waste any more time.

The way to think about it is this - it shouldn't be about fighting your arse off to change him into a reasonable partner. It should be - 'great, this is my husband, life is good because he IS a reasonable partner, that's why I'm with him.' Forcing a crap person to change is no good because a. it doesn't make them a good person to be with, it makes them still a shit person to be with who is going through the motions of pretending to be good, and b. It doesn't work long term anyway because people never never change. Especially if they've already got to 40 and think they don't have to pull their weight in life.

If you bought a car that turned out to be - unreliable, a gas guzzler, too big for your parking space and difficult to manoeuvre, would you:

a. sell it on and get a car that suited you;
b. keep it, and spend the rest of your life making allowances for and being frustrated by the fact that your car was shit and unsuitable?

It sounds mercenary, but it really isn't any different. This is about life and what you want out of it - you only get one shot. His responses so far paint a picture of a selfish, sly, manipulative cocklodger. I'd cut my losses like a shot, I'm afraid.

Go go go.

He is just going to make your life miserable. For ever.

OP, do you have any real life friends or family you can discuss this with. You have been very naive indeed. I suspect the 'backstory' of both your and his relationship is too complicated for mumsnet.

You are only in your thirties.

Btw no one will. Judge you if you leave. We all make mistakes. In fact, I imagine people would admire you for being strong and making a sensible decision.

Wow, he sounds grim.

I bet your sex life is dire. How can you possibly fancy a man like this enough to want to shag them...?

This is strange as it reads like month 3 of a relationship, not the stage where you are married.

I would move out. I think living in separate homes with separate finances could well be the saviour of your marriage, and the marriage is something you seem to want.

Op please don't waste your life like this. I started over again at 29. Divorced with a child and no job, nothing. Fast forward some years and I am now remarried with a lovely husband and a 2 year old (and my 11 year old). Honestly at 30 you are just wasting you life away with this loser. You can do so much better. Being alone is better than this.

So are you now living in his rented house, with his cat?

Next you should have a baby, I reckon that'd be an EVEN better idea! Then you can be skint, run ragged and wrung out, doing everything for a newborn, a feckless arse and a spoilt cat.

If you're only earning £120 per week then I assume you only work part-time too? Even on minimum wage you can't be doing more than 20 hours per week.

There is no excuse for his behaviour but it sounds like both of you could improve your household management skills.

Sorry, my fault, completely misread the third paragraph. You are a full- time student too.

In that case, leave him. He is useless.

Well, everyone warned you not to marry this man on your previous thread and you chose to ignore their advice, so you'll probably ignore the sound advice you are being given here.

I can't believe you are THAT desperate to be married that you'd tolerate this lazy sod!

Get out now!

So you've been married about a month? This won't get better- he should be bending over backwards for you at this early stage.

What good does he bring to the relationship?

I don't care if this utter dickhead has MH problems. He is a cocklodging arsebadger and you deserve better. Anyone on earth deserves better. Run, run for the hills and don't look back.

Exactly, Horsemad!

Please don't have babies with this man!
Seriously, cut your losses.

He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

There you go then. Don't cook for him. Job done.

OP, have just read some of your previous posts.
Afraid I have no sympathy for you whatsoever as you knew all along what you were signing up for.
He's never going to change and part of me wonders if there isn't some sort of co-dependency issues here.

Oh dear, OP.

I remember your other thread wondering if you should marry him. We all said no.

Now you are asking about how to deal with this marriage. We all say LTB as otherwise this will be your miserable life forever. Make your mind up. But you are never going to turn him into a normal, decent life partner.

As a comparison, DP also works 3 days a week because it is shift work and 12 hour days. 12 hours at work. I work 5 days a week normal hours. On his two days off, he catches up on some sleep, relaxes, sees friends, and ALSO does 100% of our cleaning, does most of the laundry, most of the washing up, does the shopping bar a monthly big shop we do together, and cooks dinner for me every night he is at home and I'm at work. I cook the nights he's at work. Weekend either of us cooks depending on who fancies it.

That's even though we work pretty much the same hours overall. Because he is there 2 days a week and wants to do it - I haven't had to ask him to, tell him to, nag him to. He does it because he believes that's what's fair. He likes me to come home to a nice tidy home and a dinner and likes looking after me, as I like making him a nice dinner when he gets home late tired from work. That's a partnership.

There were clear signs that your husband was never going to think this way. He's been selfish, lazy, untidy, dirty (filthy, actually) all his life. Why would he change? And now you find out he's financially greedy and lazy too - dropping to part time? How ridiculous. You aren't in a situation where either of you can take early part-time retirement, which is what he's done.

Leave him or suffer. The choice is yours.

I've never posted on a relationship thread before but after reading this and your previous post I feel I have to.
He will not change, he is lazy and selfish. You need to leave. Sorry but that's what I think.
Plenty of new relationships need 'work' to ensure both partners are happy, mine did 10+ years ago when I moved in with DP (now DH). We sorted out our priorities, shared shopping, cooking, cleaning and now childcare. But we didn't write a contract, we just discussed and sorted together.
This thread makes me feel so unhappy for you.

Do not under any circumstances have children with this man.

Why were you so desperate to marry such a loser?

Did you not think you could do any better?

This man is a cock. And that's a huge insult to cocks. What WERE you thinking? You've been married - what - a month? And he's behaving like an entitled slob. He won't change. Good luck with being married.

Is there a point?

OP did not listen on the previous threads. What makes anyone think she will listen now? Waste of time.

Gosh op you do like drama don't you?
Which is why you married him.
You won't accept you made a mistake.
You will just keep posting and making a drama.
So carry on.
You deserve him frankly.

From this and other threads, it seems that this man has really deep seated issues. A hoarder, someone who expects his partner to cook and clean for him, and works only 3 days a week yet doesn't seem to do anything constructive on the other 4 days. And that's just what I've gleaned from skimming a couple of threads.

You can't change him - only he can change himself, or at least seek assistance to, I suspect he needs some kind of professional input. However you are in control of your decisions and your actions. You are clearly not happy, so what can YOU do to change that? What do you want to do?

Do you want to remain married to him? can you write a list of "pros and cons" for the relationship? What about him makes you happy, makes you laugh, makes you feel safe and loved? What about him annoys you? Which list is longer?

In some respects it is ok if he doesn't want to do the cooking, you could get organised with stuff in the freezer, but then he needs to take responsibility for other things, such as the cleaning, washing etc. Any relationship should be a partnership, with room for negotiation and compromise, for the benefit of both.

please, tell us what aspects of him / his personality make you madly in love with him?