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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New husband wont cook, clean, work

249 replies

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 07:52

during the week I work as a Nanny and arrive home at about 8pm I then make dinner for my new husband and myself.

Recently I've arrived home to find that there's no food so I have to drive to the supermarket, do the shop then drive home unpack and cook tea.
I earn about £120 a week whereas DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.
I don't think it's fair that I always cook, we initially made a deal that if I cook he washes up but just lately he's been leaving the washing up for a day or two which means the following nights there's no room on the side board to cook.

We wrote up a kind of contract when I first moved in that house work such as hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc we would do on a Saturday morning.
He doesn't do this so Im finding that unless I ask him nothing gets done and I do everything.
I am a full time student and a part time Nanny so during the school term I am out of the house more that full time hours while he just has lovely 3 day weeks and doesn't help at all around the house unless I remind him.

It all came to a head last night when I got home (very hungry planning to ask him in an adult way whether he could cook for me when Im working late) he was on the sofa watching tv at 8pm and when I went to the fridge to get some food he said "we haven't got anything, I have been waiting for you so we can go food shopping"

I hit the roof, asking if he really thought I wanted to go food shopping after getting in from work at 8 whilst he has just been sat on his arse since he got in at 6, I angrily said; " you don't need to wait for Mummy to come home" I said that I wish he would think "oh Peonys been working late maybe I'll stick a potato in the oven for her" He responded saying that he didn't know when I would be getting home (he could just text. It just annoys me that I'm doing y side of the bargain but he isn't doing his.

He reacted very angrily back and stormed out to go shopping.

Later that night I told him that I feel Im getting a raw deal out of this marriage so far and set out everything I have above. He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

Im so angry because he is being so adamant that he wont cook and hes forcing me into the role of the nagging wife which, frankly I refuse to do any more. HE SHOULD JUST DO IT!

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 15:15

Why did he go part time, Peony?

GarlicSeptimus · 17/09/2014 15:16

He's forty years old and has had a family before, yet he needs to be taught/coaxed/threatened to learn how to co-habit successfully? Does he have SEN?

However dynamic you are in other areas of your life, I fear you have been suckered. Still, I see you think you're still 'winning' - so, erm, good luck :(

TrisisFour · 17/09/2014 15:21

My DSis used to be married to someone like this. She worked in a tough job, doing 50+ hours a week. Her (D)H went part time and was so lazy at home. She then had DNiece and had to go back to work when she was only 6 weeks old because he refused to work longer hours.

Needless to say, they have been divorced now for 6 years... They were married for 3.

DefinitleySpeltWrong · 17/09/2014 15:22

OP, do you think he actually likes you?

Or does he just like the fact you have enabled him to only have work part time?

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 15:47

It's his life if he wants to go part time that's fine, as long as the division of labour is balanced. At the moment it's not.
Sorry if I appear to be as stupid as youre all making out, we all have blind spots and lack self awareness in some areas

OP posts:
BlueBrightBlue · 17/09/2014 15:49

I'm trying to get the measure of you OP.

Peonysandblueglass Thu 15-May-14 13:19:32

If you feel like your friendships are not mutually nourishing, love yourself by closing the door on them to make way for new ones. Maybe at overeaters anonymous groups or weightwatchers?
'friend' is a term which is earned.

Why don't you take some of your own advice?

DefinitleySpeltWrong · 17/09/2014 15:55

I don't think you would be asking for 'our' advice if you thought it was all ok. I don't think that you are stupid. I think you are lacking in the courage to do something about a situation that is clearly wrong. He doesn't care enough about you to make you supper and then gets angry at you. Shock.
It's not what normal relationships are about.

What would you advise someone to do if they were in your shoes?

Fairylea · 17/09/2014 15:55

But why should be have the right to go part time when you have no small children for one of you to look after and you are working your arse off? On what planet is that fair?

Fairylea · 17/09/2014 15:55

*he

Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 16:00

But it's not just his life, is it Peony. It's affecting your life too! and you're married, you're supposed to be in an equal partnership, so you should have some input into what is right for you as a couple.

But it appears that you just wanted to have a bit of a whinge about the lazyarsed cocklodger, so you carry on. I don't have anything useful to offer, he's a dead loss as far as I can see.

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 16:02

Yes. I have identified, (with your help) that this is not a healthy situation which is why I have confronted him on every score (he is still cleaning the kitchen and has just offered me some dinner. I am angry with him and yes questioning why I allow myself to put up with such nonsence, Im a work in progress.

OP posts:
BlueBrightBlue · 17/09/2014 16:06

Same Meat Different Gravy.

Vivacia · 17/09/2014 16:06

OP is there a chance he knows you post on here?

namechangedforthisonehere · 17/09/2014 16:14

Peonysandblueglass Tue 20-May-14 12:10:36
Thanks everyone, I am happy for us to continue as we are, because I was bought up by a single parent I've spent my life ignorant of how it work for nuclear families! I like the idea of remaining seperate until we have children I don't want to take on his debts because he has no interest in clearing them.

Maybe he could stay working FT to build up a fund to pay off his debts - maybe then pay off yours - you are a family after all (he would not want you in debt when pregnant) and then save for the future - your family - childcare is not cheap

or maybe he is a lazy cocklodger....

namechangedforthisonehere · 17/09/2014 16:17

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2083367-Why-would-anyone-combine-their-money

previous thread.....

Take advice please OP :(

namechangedforthisonehere · 17/09/2014 16:19

Peonysandblueglass Wed 21-May-14 12:13:00
Thanks. He said that he would be happy to support me when I have children, that he knows that part of being with me was always going to involve having children I'm just taken aback that he says he isn't fussed if he doesn't have them.
He's depressed at the notion of having to work full time/ be skint.
I just told him that I am glad I know all of this now and left for work. He says that this is a 'real biggie' but I don't know what he was imagining would happen when we had children.
At least there's still time for both of us to get out now.

5 months ago you wanted to "get out now"

You are not a silly 18 year old....

When people show you who they are...listen to them

Badvoc123 · 17/09/2014 16:22

Is "work in progress" another way of saying "idiot"?
Because if you put up with this situation for any longer that is what you are
:(
For the love of god, do not have children with this man.

BlueBrightBlue · 17/09/2014 16:33

That thread about finances is very strange indeed.

Just out if interest, who paid for your wedding?

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 16:37

With the wedding we went halves on everything but both sides of our family helped.
I will see if he changes (he's vacuuming upstairs now)
I feel so drained by all of this. Thsnks for your help I am wondering whether I have got a bit of martyr complex my Dad's a bit like that and I find myself to be a bit like it too at times, definitely something I need to avoid.

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 17/09/2014 16:38

He's in debt, but won't work full time to clear it??? He expects you to pay for half of everything?? (Plus you are studying to presumably work towards a better income long term).

Please, tell us what you get out of this? Tell us what makes you madly in love with him? Because you are madly in love with him after a month of marriage, right?

namechangedforthisonehere · 17/09/2014 16:46

I would love to work Part time with a load of debt and let my partner pick up the slack and pay for my daughter...

You are his nanny right? when you said you are a PT nanny?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/09/2014 16:49

He must thank heaven every day of his life he met you.
What's a lovely person like you doing enabling this lazy arse?

If I were you I'd eat out or come home with a single portion of food for you on his rest days. On days he is pulling his weight and contributing, fix a meal together. No point in rustling up meals to freeze unless you intend padlocking the freezer? And as for the rest -!

OP this is like re-arranging deckchairs on the Titanic. Please listen.There is no shame in saying, okay, I was wildly over-optimistic, I was committed to making this work, BUT I WAS WRONG. Honestly it is not compulsory to struggle and endure and condemn yourself to many unhappy years. Quitting when the going gets tough? You bet. We're told to see things through, battle on, throw more wood on our martyr's bonfire. Sometimes you just have to weigh up the evidence, ask yourself do I deserve this? And get the fuck away.

Pinkje · 17/09/2014 16:51

Has he got mental health issues?

Why did his first marriage fail?

Is there a pattern to his life (previous relationships)?

You need to seriously rethink your future with this man. Sorry.

Bumpsadaisie · 17/09/2014 16:55

'until we have children' ...

Please OP, don't have children in this situation.

Anotherchapter · 17/09/2014 16:59

I just can't get passed the fact that when you moved in - he went part time Shock

peony this will not get better. Read all your past threads. This man does/says minimal things to get you to STFU.

come back and tell us in six months if things have changed? I bet they get worse. Infact I bet he gives work up completely.