New husband wont cook, clean, work

[Peonysandblueglass]

during the week I work as a Nanny and arrive home at about 8pm I then make dinner for my new husband and myself.

Recently I've arrived home to find that there's no food so I have to drive to the supermarket, do the shop then drive home unpack and cook tea.
I earn about £120 a week whereas DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.
I don't think it's fair that I always cook, we initially made a deal that if I cook he washes up but just lately he's been leaving the washing up for a day or two which means the following nights there's no room on the side board to cook.

We wrote up a kind of contract when I first moved in that house work such as hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc we would do on a Saturday morning.
He doesn't do this so Im finding that unless I ask him nothing gets done and I do everything.
I am a full time student and a part time Nanny so during the school term I am out of the house more that full time hours while he just has lovely 3 day weeks and doesn't help at all around the house unless I remind him.

It all came to a head last night when I got home (very hungry planning to ask him in an adult way whether he could cook for me when Im working late) he was on the sofa watching tv at 8pm and when I went to the fridge to get some food he said "we haven't got anything, I have been waiting for you so we can go food shopping"

I hit the roof, asking if he really thought I wanted to go food shopping after getting in from work at 8 whilst he has just been sat on his arse since he got in at 6, I angrily said; " you don't need to wait for Mummy to come home" I said that I wish he would think "oh Peonys been working late maybe I'll stick a potato in the oven for her" He responded saying that he didn't know when I would be getting home (he could just text. It just annoys me that I'm doing y side of the bargain but he isn't doing his.

He reacted very angrily back and stormed out to go shopping.

Later that night I told him that I feel Im getting a raw deal out of this marriage so far and set out everything I have above. He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

Im so angry because he is being so adamant that he wont cook and hes forcing me into the role of the nagging wife which, frankly I refuse to do any more. HE SHOULD JUST DO IT!

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Why do you let him do this to you?

Apart from all the other horrible aspects of your arrangement I cannot understand why you agreed to pay half of the bills out of your meagre 120 quid a week. That would only be fair and equitable if he was earning 120 quid a week as well. You should each be contributing a percentage according to what you both bring home.

I can see that as you are studying and earning so little while contributing so much out of your weekly wage it's going to be very difficult to stash away any savings to pay for your escape, so I think you should put together a long-term plan so you can get the hell out of there.

Constant renegotiations about who does the vacuuming or shops and cooks the dinners is not going to solve the fundamental problems in this relationship. If you didn't know that before, your previous thread should have given you an inkling but you chose to ignore all of the opinions given and married this arsehole anyway. As you will likely ignore the opinions in this one.

You are a second-class citizen to a fucking cat for God's sake!

I remember your last thread. You must enjoy being with lazy cocklodgers. Somehow this is working for you because you keep on doing it.

This guy is a loser who will never change. You either take him or leave him. And it sounds like you'll take him because well, you are!

Good luck with that.

I have to agree OP... what do you want us to say? By all means if you just want to vent but nothing with change and he won't be the man you want him to be I don't think.

OP, I feel really sorry for you. You are 30 - that is a fantastic age to be. You are saddled with this lazy, dirty man who can't even be bothered to go to the shop to get something for your dinner, without being yelled at.

You must feel that we don't understand you, that we don't know him, that if only we knew him, we'd know why you stayed. The thing is, we don't know him, true, but we know what life would be like with someone who puts himself first, who stops work when he's got his wife's (low) income coming in, who won't do anything at all to improve living standards.

What kind of life do you want for yourself? What kind of home do you want to live in?

Sounds like you married a total loser. Why? Don't you deserve better?

I spoke to him this morning and he said he agrees with what Im saying and he realises that he isn't coping well. He is blitzing the kitchen now and has said he'll pay more for the food shopping because he has a daughter. He says he will get therapy and also will do house work on his days off for 2 hours per time. Thank you for your helpful responses it gives me the power to stand up for myself.

Have you posted about this before. Sounds familiar

So how much did he reduce any payments to support his DD when he just decided to reduce his hours?

I just looked over your other threads as I have trouble working out how you could let yourself get into a situation like this. It made for some difficult reading. .

I really hope you are not thinking of having a baby with this man. I don't think this relationship sounds fixable.

Isn't coping with what, exactly?

Marriage? You moving in? Being part time?

This is supposed to be the honeymoon period .

Another poster not engaging with any of the pieces of advice she actually asked for.

Do these OP's simply read their first post and no further before they update ?

In this case, the OP needs to RTFT.

Err - why exactly was he "able to go part time" - you're not exactly bringing in wads of cash, why did he feel the need to go part time at all? Is he ill? Disabled? or just a lazy cocklodging fucker who thinks you're his mum/slave?

I feel for you OP but like other PPs have said, what do you want us to say? You've asked for advice here and previously and the advice you've had is sound. Stop frustrating yourself trying to turn him into someone he isn't ie. a decent responsible respectful husband. He's telling you in order to be the husband you want he needs therapy to achieve that. Whatever. I can tell you as a therapist there isn't a therapy yet known that can change a lazy disrespectful, self indulgent, privileged man child into a decent husband. Sorry to be harsh but you deserve better and life is too short for this shit. You'll be posting this same issue, and worse, in ten years. Turn 'just married' into something positive like 'just escaped' and ditch this dick.

OP, he isn't going to see a therapist, talk is cheap; you'll just go round and around in circles until you go quite mad with despair.
I'm wondering why you were so adamant to marry him?
Was the wedding itself a joyous event?
There is no mention of it on any of your threads; you only seem to mention what an utterly shit existence you have.
FFS you're 30 woman! Start living!
The longer you stay with him, the more lasting the damage will be.

This is what I said on the previous thread:

Hissy Wed 30-Jul-14 18:50:43
Your last thread was clear that this was going to happen. I'm sorry that it turned out that way, but you have done your bit.

Go and rent something for yourself, where you want to live.

Don't marry him. End it and move on.

Why oh why did you not see that we were so worried that this would happen? it's clear that it was always going to go this hideously wrong.

when you have to draw up a fecking contract for the hoovering, you KNOW it's going to fall flat on it's arse.

So you are now supporting his lazy arse while his child support gets cut too?

This man has no adult sense of responsibility. I know 16 year old boys who do more for their mothers after school than this 40 year old.

Will the counseling be free? Who will pay for it? Will he increase his working hours to pay for them?

How many sessions will you have to pay for? Will he expect a cooked meal on the table when he gets home from those sessions?

He will probably start off doing the 2 hours housework while he's not working, but he will do it in such a piss poor manner that you'll need to redo it anyway, at which point he'll huff and complain and say he won't bother doing it in future because you're a perfectionist.

Really, you'd be better off alone than with this guy.

And that people is why I'll never get married again!! Once the ring goes on it all ends

He continued to pay the maximum amount of child support when he went part- time, it's not black and white he's not the bad guy and I'm not the good guy I appreciate all of the constructive advice. Sorry I can't give some people the satisfying end to this episode but this is my real life and not as easy to see things so simply

Because it's working for her, Hissy, all this drama and martyrdom and put upon mess is doing something for, this is why she stays with him, married him and will continue to put up with him. People do what works.

How much does he earn?

Are you paying equal bills? you earn £120 a week and have to contribute to feed his DD?

Sorry I can't give some people the satisfying end to this episode but this is my real life and not as easy to see things so simply

If you took a step back and saw how simple this situation is by looking at the fact that in the space of a few months you have written some seriously tragic threads and to a woman, everyone has said to NOT go for this, you WOULD have the end that will be satisfactory to you.

You are flogging a dead horse here. Stop it.

Save the money for the counselling and put it into a divorce fund.