Help - found DH using porn

[cowbag1]

First time poster but long time lurker – I’ve never felt the need to post until now. Sorry this might be long!

So, to set the scene, I went in to work for a few hours yesterday. My DH dropped me off (I don’t have a parking permit at work and we car share anyway) and I asked him to pick me up at a set time (we only live 10 minutes drive from my workplace). I’m 7 months pregnant with our first baby.

When he didn’t arrive at the agreed time, I called him and he was still at home. He had apparently been asleep and his alarm hadn't gone off. He came straight out to get me; I was a bit miffed but he apologised profusely when I got in the car. Something didn’t sit right though and so with my (what I thought was) unreasonable, irrational pregnant head on, I asked him if he had been doing anything he shouldn’t. He was immediately quite defensive and we argued all the way home about me asking accusatory questions (he thinks it’s out of order, I defended my right to do so).

We didn’t talk much when we got in and he continued to be defensive. I went on the computer for a bit (to check mn etc!) and he had a window open on there with a game he had been playing. I haven’t felt the need to check his browsing history for years now (I had serious trust issues when we met 10 years ago) but something made me and sure enough, there was a porn site plus a Google search that he had used to find this site. Search term he used was “XXXX(porn star name) XXXX swallows”.

At this point I need to add that I am very anti-porn and he has always led me to believe that he is too. Him being into porn would have been a deal-breaker to me before we got married.

He strenuously denied that the history was him and insisted that we run an anti-virus scan on the computer (we have had viruses before, now I think I know why!) but the way the colour drained from his face told me otherwise. Also, I may not be a computer whizz, and he could have explained away the porn site as a pop-up but I know that the computer doesn’t randomly create Google searches! He continued to deny everything for a while until I made it clear that not telling the truth now would have serious ramifications for our marriage.

So, over the course of the evening, he admitted to looking at porn yesterday and masturbating. He also admitted that he had done it a few times since we got married (last August); although he says it was no more than a few times. He promises he isn’t hiding anything else (I asked him about cheating, strip clubs, sex phone lines or anything that involves payment) and I believe him (mainly because we share all of our money, have joint bank accounts etc and we spend all of our free time together so there isn’t much opportunity for him!).

He is absolutely devastated and petrified I will leave him. He says he feels better now it’s out in the open, felt horrible every time he did it and intended to stop when the baby was born (!). He says he will do anything to make things better and win back my trust. In all other aspects, he is a very decent guy and considered by friends and family as one of the nicest people they have ever met. Everyone thinks we have a fantastic, strong relationship.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I’m not upset about the masturbating (even though he hasn’t been honest about it) as our sex life has been quite poor for a while now and we haven’t managed to have sex since I got pregnant. It’s something that has been bothering me and we have discussed it a handful of times but he’s always assured me he still finds me attractive (despite showing it less).

I’m more upset about the way he denied it so strenuously (what else is he lying about?) and I’m horrified that he’s looking at porn. I feel like he isn’t the man I married and everything I have based my love for him on is a lie. I’m always telling myself that he is one of the few decent men out there and I feel sorry for those women whose husbands look at porn. I feel utterly ridiculous that I have actually been one of those women all along.

I’m not sure why I’ve posted; I just don’t know what to do (and I can’t sleep!). If we weren’t married and expecting our first baby, I would be strongly considering leaving him but I absolutely will not have my baby growing up with divorced parents (like I did) so I feel trapped. I just can’t get past this.

What should I do? My opinions on porn will not change; I am about as strongly opposed to it as it’s possible to be! How can I trust him again and stop feeling like all men actually are bastards after all.

Sorry this has happened to you OP. Not really sure how you can overcome it though without taking away his computer but 1. That only solves the problem at home and 2. He isn't a child. From your post, it doesn't sound as though he is at the addiction stage yet but he may still find it useful to talk to someone about why he does this. Mostly, a lot of it has got to come from him. I.e. He has got to work hard to regain your trust by his actions not his words.

Thanks for the reply. I've already changed the computer settings so that the browsing history isn't deleted when you close the window but i may also change the wifi password so that he can't use it while i'm out. But i really don't want to go down this route - i'm meant to be able to trust him, we're married! (and it's taken me so long to get to the point where i do trust him).

I feel like a fool for believing that he isn't like every other bloke. I can't talk to any close friends or family as they are all of the opinion that a bit or porn does no harm.

Well he's not anti-porn at all. Sounds like he went along with that for an easy life but has been looking at it whenever he fancies.

I don't think it's worth breaking up over especially as you're pregnant.
Maybe try couples counselling to work through it.

Hiya I'm sorry that you're so upset but struggling to understand what the issues are??
You're husband has masturbated using porn and you're in a state over it, pressume he was looking at adult porn so I can't see the harm, is it because he kept it secret from you??

No it's because she's anti-porn Need as it says in her OP

At this point I need to add that I am very anti-porn and he has always led me to believe that he is too. Him being into porn would have been a deal-breaker to me before we got married.

There you go

I can't imagine taking away another adult's internet access as a punishment for what they've googled tbh. I get that you are vehemently opposed to porn and can't stand the idea of him looking at it but changing passwords to stop him just seems so controlling and treating him like a naughty kid. If he knows that you hate it so much that should br enough if he respects your opinions. After all, if he was that determined to look at other naked women he could go out and buy a magazine, so you taking away his internet access might not stop him anyway.

Sorry you are hurting OP, but he is the first man I have heard of that admits to not enjoying porn. I imagine he didn't tell you because you are 7 months pregnant and he didn't want to upset and stress you out. Watching porn several times a year is so far from addiction. Let's keepbtjing in perspective here.

I understand this is a big issue for you but is it worth all this stress at this late stage in your pregnancy?

If he is a good man and you believe will be a good father to your baby, l think you would be mad to leave him over this.

Punishing him like a child is not the answer either.

Possibly the OP is upset because adult porn is a horrible industry that treats women like shit, Needadvice. It is very upsetting to discover that someone you thought shared your views on this is actually complicit in the porn industry.

I don't think you can change the WiFi password to stop your husband using the household computer, OP. The only way forward is to talk a lot and get a sense of whether his lying out of character or his usual way of reacting under stress.

I'm not anti porn so don't mind DH watching. But if he had led me to believe he was and then watched I would be fuming. You can't change wifi passwords etc. He's a grown adult. I agree with trying counselling together to see if it helps. How much time to you get together? You said you haven't had sex but have you had kisses snuggles touching etc? Go on a date etc. Spend as much couple time together before baby arrives x

Tell us more about the trust issues that you had at the start.

You are entitled to feel this way about porn and to consider it as a deal breaker (it is a deal breaker for me as well) and do not allow other people to tell you otherwise.

I also agree with you that the his lying is worrying - deceit and secrets are very damaging to relationships.

However it is down to him to decide if he wants to stop using porn - you might want to ask him to do some research into the realities of the porn industry.

we spend all of our free time together so there isn’t much opportunity for him!

Re the above, not wanting to unnecessarily scare you or saying that he is cheating but please don't be naive about not having the time - many cheat during their working hours (e.g lunchtimes, business travel, finishing work early, afternoons off etc).

I personally think you're overreacting.

I don't see how he is any less of a decent bloke for watching porn (note, OP never said he wasn't a decent bloke because he lied). There are far worse things in the world and like a pp has stated, changing of passwords etc will only make him find it other ways (magazines, on his phone etx) if he really wants to.

I feel quite sorry for your DP, you sound very insecure, controlling and have a complete lack of trust for him. Even if you dont leave him, he may well leave you in the future for such stifling behaviour.

If my DH changed the wifi password so I couldn't use the internet while he was out, I'd leave him.

I understand how upset and angry you are about the porn, but that's a step too far and makes you sound very controlling.

What were the trust issues you had when you first met?

I feel quite sorry for your DP, you sound very insecure, controlling and have a complete lack of trust for him. Even if you dont leave him, he may well leave you in the future for such stifling behaviour.

I agree with this tbh.

He wouldn't be the first bloke who hadn't had sex with his pregnant wife for months who looked at porn. He won't be the last. I suspect he isn't sorry he did it, he's probably sorry he was caught. His views on porn are not the same as yours. You can have a strop and make him say what you want to hear, but do you really want to be that sort of person?

I don't think for a second that he's cheating, strip clubs, etc.

I've had two serious relationships and exactly the same thing happened to me at exactly the same point in pregnancy. I was devastated and he was mortified.

The second was my husband and he lied totally and repeatedly about one incident until he eventually admitted it. I made it clear that I didn't think that there was any need for porn because we were having sex 1/2 a day. As far as I knew he didn't look at it alone for ten years. When we split, yep, you guessed it, he a admitted using it.

IMO all men will use it to some degree or other.

I too think you are overreacting. You would consider leaving him over this?? It's something that's more common than you think. You are coming across as very controlling.

He's your husband not your teenage son! Changing the wifi password ... Really?

I used to look at porn as did dp. We both enjoyed it but now i can't look at it due to thinking about the women. Dp feels much the same.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me and if your relationship is otherwise good then i really think you dhould let it go

Doubt he will stop. He will just get better at hiding it

Changing settings? Easy to change back then reset. He could go on to use his phone instead. You will never really know op

Inclined to agree you are over reacting

"If my DH changed the wifi password so I couldn't use the internet while he was out, I'd leave him.

I understand how upset and angry you are about the porn, but that's a step too far and makes you sound very controlling."

I'd also be out like a shot if my husband deemed me a child and took away my internet access. I'm not a child.

Would you really leave him and deny your child his/her father growing up over a few videos?

I also think it's rather odd that he didn't pick you up from work so the first thing you think of asking him is I asked him if he had been doing anything he shouldn’t

You sound very paranoid.

I think it's a very big problem that he lied.

If he wanted a relationship with someone who was ok about porn use, the OP wasn't the lady to be with. Or he could not use it. He's led her to think he's anti-porn and he's lied over time.

It's got to rock the trust she has in him quite hard.

I think you both need to talk about it quite a bit becuase of the trust issue. He can't minimize this.

The other half of the problem, the porn itself, well - to me, as long as it's as ethical as you can find, then it's not a big deal. Clearly it is for you. You'll have to decide if it's a dealbreaker. I don't think you can keep on restricting his access to the net though. If he wants to watch it, he will one way or another.

I wish men who used porn would stop pretending to be anti-porn. This crops up a lot on here. If they were honest from the start and said
'I enjoy occasional porn use' instead of lying to look better, it would save a lot of heartache when they get found out.

I think he lied to avoid over- reaction. If OP has had trust issues in the past, maybe her husband has learned to avoid conflict by just hiding the stuff that will cause her to kick off.

My ex-husband was controlling and jealous. We didn't have much of a marriage, and in the end I left him for someone who not only allowed me to be myself, but actually seemed to love every part of me, warts and all.

That said, your husband probably shouldn't have made out he didn't use porn if he knew it was a deal breaker for you. I can kind of understand it though. A lot of men just can't see the problem with it in the way that some women do, and if he really wanted to marry you, he probably thought he'd be able to pack it in. You know, like we all tell ourselves we won't eat biscuits when we're on a diet. But then we do...