Help - found DH using porn

[cowbag1]

First time poster but long time lurker – I’ve never felt the need to post until now. Sorry this might be long!

So, to set the scene, I went in to work for a few hours yesterday. My DH dropped me off (I don’t have a parking permit at work and we car share anyway) and I asked him to pick me up at a set time (we only live 10 minutes drive from my workplace). I’m 7 months pregnant with our first baby.

When he didn’t arrive at the agreed time, I called him and he was still at home. He had apparently been asleep and his alarm hadn't gone off. He came straight out to get me; I was a bit miffed but he apologised profusely when I got in the car. Something didn’t sit right though and so with my (what I thought was) unreasonable, irrational pregnant head on, I asked him if he had been doing anything he shouldn’t. He was immediately quite defensive and we argued all the way home about me asking accusatory questions (he thinks it’s out of order, I defended my right to do so).

We didn’t talk much when we got in and he continued to be defensive. I went on the computer for a bit (to check mn etc!) and he had a window open on there with a game he had been playing. I haven’t felt the need to check his browsing history for years now (I had serious trust issues when we met 10 years ago) but something made me and sure enough, there was a porn site plus a Google search that he had used to find this site. Search term he used was “XXXX(porn star name) XXXX swallows”.

At this point I need to add that I am very anti-porn and he has always led me to believe that he is too. Him being into porn would have been a deal-breaker to me before we got married.

He strenuously denied that the history was him and insisted that we run an anti-virus scan on the computer (we have had viruses before, now I think I know why!) but the way the colour drained from his face told me otherwise. Also, I may not be a computer whizz, and he could have explained away the porn site as a pop-up but I know that the computer doesn’t randomly create Google searches! He continued to deny everything for a while until I made it clear that not telling the truth now would have serious ramifications for our marriage.

So, over the course of the evening, he admitted to looking at porn yesterday and masturbating. He also admitted that he had done it a few times since we got married (last August); although he says it was no more than a few times. He promises he isn’t hiding anything else (I asked him about cheating, strip clubs, sex phone lines or anything that involves payment) and I believe him (mainly because we share all of our money, have joint bank accounts etc and we spend all of our free time together so there isn’t much opportunity for him!).

He is absolutely devastated and petrified I will leave him. He says he feels better now it’s out in the open, felt horrible every time he did it and intended to stop when the baby was born (!). He says he will do anything to make things better and win back my trust. In all other aspects, he is a very decent guy and considered by friends and family as one of the nicest people they have ever met. Everyone thinks we have a fantastic, strong relationship.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I’m not upset about the masturbating (even though he hasn’t been honest about it) as our sex life has been quite poor for a while now and we haven’t managed to have sex since I got pregnant. It’s something that has been bothering me and we have discussed it a handful of times but he’s always assured me he still finds me attractive (despite showing it less).

I’m more upset about the way he denied it so strenuously (what else is he lying about?) and I’m horrified that he’s looking at porn. I feel like he isn’t the man I married and everything I have based my love for him on is a lie. I’m always telling myself that he is one of the few decent men out there and I feel sorry for those women whose husbands look at porn. I feel utterly ridiculous that I have actually been one of those women all along.

I’m not sure why I’ve posted; I just don’t know what to do (and I can’t sleep!). If we weren’t married and expecting our first baby, I would be strongly considering leaving him but I absolutely will not have my baby growing up with divorced parents (like I did) so I feel trapped. I just can’t get past this.

What should I do? My opinions on porn will not change; I am about as strongly opposed to it as it’s possible to be! How can I trust him again and stop feeling like all men actually are bastards after all.

juditz the OP has explained her reasons for being anti-porn - which her now DH has also said were his beliefs since the beginning of the relationship - on the thread. So I can only assume that you haven't read OPs posts, or have ignored them for some reason.

Your statement:

"I do sense that it is not porn per se i.e. planned filmed sex for the titillation for others that gets her goat more that she alone can be the only person who turns him on."

Is not the reason at all. Where did you even get that from?

OP is anti-porn because of the nature of the industry and the fact that you can never really know (unless the film is of your friends and you were there when it was made) if the people you are watching have given genuine real consent or not.

You have gone off on a totally random one. I'm not sure why.

In other news, I am distressed at the amount of posters on this thread who say that it is fine for a person to lie about a fundamental belief or personal ethical position for the entirety of a relationship.

Everyone is handily ignoring the examples I gave of situations that might be similar. It's because it's porn, isn't it, and poor men these days literally can't masturbate without it.

scallops what has changed now is that she's 7 months pregnant. If she wasn't she'd leave him.

Ah but people get confused about what porn is, don't they? To some it's not just filmed, planned sex for the titillation of others, it's a kind of 'you are forbidden from getting turned on by anything or anybody but ME'.

Sounds like she is in the latter camp. 'Select a partner' who 'selects' a partner bar a control freak? For most of us, we fall in love and that is what happens.

Reading between the lines, he's better off without her, he's been subjugated for too long. Poor sod. As long as the porn is consensual between adults, good for him for his little act of rebellion.

All men are 'bastards' (her words) because they like to see two adults get it on? Do me a favour.

Her head is -understandably- mixed up owing to her parents divorce. So she tries to control to the nth degree while having no idea about the give and take and subtleties in a relationship. I suggest she is the one who needs counselling, not him.

Also wanted to say that's opinionated's post made me feel quite sick.

A good example there of how the prevalence of porn in knackering people's relationships - teen boys watching porn and then wanting to copy what they have seen using their girlfriends. Hospital admissions of girls injured due to this are on the rise (rectal injuries) there was a study out about it recently. The girls and boys in their teens who were surveyed both expected sex to be non-pleasurable for the girl, something that the boy does to her.

Hooray for porn.

When I say non-pleasurable, I meant painful. Sorry. Girls and boys both expected boys to coerce girls into sexual acts that girls would find painful.

That is by the bye though.

All people need to do is replace "anti-porn" with "vegan" or "anti-racism" or "volunteering to help fluffy animals" or something and maybe then they will get it (although i suspect many are only pretending not to, I can't believe that people are genuinely that lacking in understanding / empathy).

juditz the OP has explained what she doesn't like about porn. Part of it is that you have no way of knowing whether the people you are watching are genuinely consenting.

She has stated that and yet you think you know better than her about what she actually thinks?

In order to tell her she is a controlling nutcase who must let her DH do whatever he wants, even if it goes against a deeply held belief of hers, one that he claimed to share.

I am a woman, I enjoyed watching porn, but I no longer watch it as I learnt about the dreadful way women in the industry are treated and I detest the message it sends about sexuality and body image. I won't be part of that and I will not compromise.

It is entirely possible to object to porn without being a controlling, dried up old harridan with issues around sex and sexuality.

Why is it always women who have objections to the ethics of pornography that have to compromise? God forbid that the holy grail of a male orgasm ever be interfered with, who cares how many women are abused and damaged by it as long as men can get their rocks off quickly.

"Ah but people get confused about what porn is, don't they?"

No. OP is very clear that she has a problem with the porn industry.

I have no idea whether she has objections to fruity literature. Do you? Probably not, if her objection is around issues of abuse and consent.

I agree that she has a problem with porn and she has given her reasons.

But that's a bit like a teetotaller saying, 'I don't like beer' when, in fact, they don't like ANY alcohol.

I think that, yes, she hates porn, but she also hates the thought of her husband getting turned on by anything else bar her.

Well that's deeply controlling, isn't it? It's understandable as she has had to invent a template of what she thinks are good relationships-consciously or not, owing to her parents divorce which presumably doesn't tolerate dissent of any kind.

Dissent being the fancying/getting turned on by sexual behaviour of other people.

Of course, if the opening poster returns and says that she doesn't mind her husband masturbating to the sound of the consenting couple in the next hotel room having sex, I shall take it all back.

You are guessing and making it up based on what you imagine in your head. What you are saying has no relation to the OP.

In your example, it would be like two teetotallers getting together, both with a shared hatred of alcohol, for whatever reason.

And then years down the line one partner finding out that the other one has been boozing merrily every time they go away on business.

You clearly have issues of some sort around this yourself given that your assertions are borne out in nothing the OP has actually said.

This is a relationships board and OP is 7 months pregnant. You would expect that to mean OP would be treated with a little care. Apparently not.

That is it exactly Seven I make a decent income writing some absolutely filthy material. I have no objection to any pornography which is not illegal, does not cover illegal acts and where everyone is guaranteed to be a consenting happy participant. Therefore porn involving real live human beings (that includes women BTW we're people too) is out of the question.

Yet stating that I am anti-porn leads people to assume that I have 'issues' and my sole experience of sex is pulling up my nighty and thinking of England for the sake of getting pregnant. All whilst flying into an abusive jealous rage if he happens to glance at another woman's exposed ankle of course.

It would be funny if it was not so depressing. I have friends that go swinging who are anti-porn, yet they still get told that they must be repressed and afraid of their sexuality .

Also why are you making up sexual scenarios and then challenging OP to come on and talk to you about them?

That is quite strange behaviour.

Plus OP is probably a bit busy to come and justify her feelings to you. Given that she is 7 months pg and has just fund out that her DH has been lying to her about something fundamental, possibly for years.

But you want her to come back and talk to you about wanking, in various situations from your imagination.

Hmmmm.

I'm not challenging anybody, SevenZarkSeven, a person starts a thread and it's expected that they are polite enough to answer questions by those polite to respond.

As for wanking, it's kind of hard to avoid the subject given that this is what the thread is about. A man masturbating to porn is all about wanking. It's not as if she's started a thread about the latest contestant to be kicked off the GBBO and I've randomly mentioned masturbating, is it? Lol.

The thread is about her discovering he lied, and/or has been lying to her about his porn-use. The thread is about her shock that he lied about something important to her.

As an aside, if you genuinely think that men can't wank without watching porn, perhaps you should start a thread of your own.

That could be said about alcohol.

At the end of the day, every man watches porn; some men are just very good at convincing their wives than others.

" a person starts a thread and it's expected that they are polite enough to answer questions by those polite to respond. "

Not in a situation like this

If OP comes back today she comes back.

To expect her to take time out from looking after herself / discussing what has happened with her husband at a difficult time to talk to you is weird.

On the surface this thread is about that, yes, however, reading between the lines, it would appear to be also about her controlling nature and I'm just thinking, 'is it just porn, or is it that she and she alone must be the centre of his fantasies?'. Don't see that as unreasonable.

And men don't need porn as in filmed sex, I agree, however, some external stimulation in form of nude women or a sexy book/story is preffered.

The man has spoken.

Does my 80 year old Dad watch porn? I doubt it. He doesn't have internet access and he tells me he has zero sex drive. (thanks Dad)

Do you know every man? Do you know about their lives, their values, their sex lives? Nah. I think not.

Every woman loves shopping. Every woman loves chocolate. Every man watches football. Blah blah. Crap.

arsenaltide

It is simply not true that all men watch porn. Some do not have access to porn. Some are in environments where they are not able to access porn. And some don't like or "need" it.

Such a lazy thing to say.

And saying the same about alcohol. I did:

" it would be like two teetotallers getting together, both with a shared hatred of alcohol, for whatever reason.

And then years down the line one partner finding out that the other one has been boozing merrily every time they go away on business."

And you would say again - no problem, everyone drinks, so what, don't be so controlling...?

Who is a man?

A real man is someone who needs to watch porn to get a hard-on, apparently.

"On the surface this thread is about that, yes, however, reading between the lines, it would appear to be also about her controlling nature and I'm just thinking, 'is it just porn, or is it that she and she alone must be the centre of his fantasies?'. Don't see that as unreasonable."

I do see it as unreasonable. Because you are making wild assumptions about what the OP thinks and feels based on no evidence whatsoever. She has told us why she doesn't like porn. Why is that not good enough for you?

Do you often tell women how they should / must feel when it comes to intimate matters? Do you do that before or after conjuring various sexual scenarios and asking them to imagine them?

I don't know if it's your intention but you are coming off as not a little creepy.

John I am also a bit, erm, surprised at the idea that men are more or less unable to knock one out without material to help them along.

This is the justfication isn't it. Poor old men how are they going to wank if you take their porn away. Same way they always have, by using their imaginations. Unless the idea is that all men are brain damaged?

Changing his passwords, the wi-fi, selecting him as a partner instead of simply falling in love like most people do...

All very controlling, SevenZarkSeven, maybe your dislike of pornography is blinding you to the fact that she is coming across as a bit of a control freak? Perhaps you can't see the wood for the trees?