Help - found DH using porn

[cowbag1]

First time poster but long time lurker – I’ve never felt the need to post until now. Sorry this might be long!

So, to set the scene, I went in to work for a few hours yesterday. My DH dropped me off (I don’t have a parking permit at work and we car share anyway) and I asked him to pick me up at a set time (we only live 10 minutes drive from my workplace). I’m 7 months pregnant with our first baby.

When he didn’t arrive at the agreed time, I called him and he was still at home. He had apparently been asleep and his alarm hadn't gone off. He came straight out to get me; I was a bit miffed but he apologised profusely when I got in the car. Something didn’t sit right though and so with my (what I thought was) unreasonable, irrational pregnant head on, I asked him if he had been doing anything he shouldn’t. He was immediately quite defensive and we argued all the way home about me asking accusatory questions (he thinks it’s out of order, I defended my right to do so).

We didn’t talk much when we got in and he continued to be defensive. I went on the computer for a bit (to check mn etc!) and he had a window open on there with a game he had been playing. I haven’t felt the need to check his browsing history for years now (I had serious trust issues when we met 10 years ago) but something made me and sure enough, there was a porn site plus a Google search that he had used to find this site. Search term he used was “XXXX(porn star name) XXXX swallows”.

At this point I need to add that I am very anti-porn and he has always led me to believe that he is too. Him being into porn would have been a deal-breaker to me before we got married.

He strenuously denied that the history was him and insisted that we run an anti-virus scan on the computer (we have had viruses before, now I think I know why!) but the way the colour drained from his face told me otherwise. Also, I may not be a computer whizz, and he could have explained away the porn site as a pop-up but I know that the computer doesn’t randomly create Google searches! He continued to deny everything for a while until I made it clear that not telling the truth now would have serious ramifications for our marriage.

So, over the course of the evening, he admitted to looking at porn yesterday and masturbating. He also admitted that he had done it a few times since we got married (last August); although he says it was no more than a few times. He promises he isn’t hiding anything else (I asked him about cheating, strip clubs, sex phone lines or anything that involves payment) and I believe him (mainly because we share all of our money, have joint bank accounts etc and we spend all of our free time together so there isn’t much opportunity for him!).

He is absolutely devastated and petrified I will leave him. He says he feels better now it’s out in the open, felt horrible every time he did it and intended to stop when the baby was born (!). He says he will do anything to make things better and win back my trust. In all other aspects, he is a very decent guy and considered by friends and family as one of the nicest people they have ever met. Everyone thinks we have a fantastic, strong relationship.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I’m not upset about the masturbating (even though he hasn’t been honest about it) as our sex life has been quite poor for a while now and we haven’t managed to have sex since I got pregnant. It’s something that has been bothering me and we have discussed it a handful of times but he’s always assured me he still finds me attractive (despite showing it less).

I’m more upset about the way he denied it so strenuously (what else is he lying about?) and I’m horrified that he’s looking at porn. I feel like he isn’t the man I married and everything I have based my love for him on is a lie. I’m always telling myself that he is one of the few decent men out there and I feel sorry for those women whose husbands look at porn. I feel utterly ridiculous that I have actually been one of those women all along.

I’m not sure why I’ve posted; I just don’t know what to do (and I can’t sleep!). If we weren’t married and expecting our first baby, I would be strongly considering leaving him but I absolutely will not have my baby growing up with divorced parents (like I did) so I feel trapped. I just can’t get past this.

What should I do? My opinions on porn will not change; I am about as strongly opposed to it as it’s possible to be! How can I trust him again and stop feeling like all men actually are bastards after all.

Clearly Badlad is one in a million..

Asking a man about porn is similar to a man asking a woman how many partners she's been with or if she has ever faked an orgasm or fantasied about another man.
In most cases she will say whatever he wants to hear.

As for the porn industry, there is tons of ethical porn.
Most well known porn stars aren't being abused.

Wow, sorry I haven't been able to get back sooner. DH is painting the nursery now so have a a few moments to gather my thoughts!

To clarify, I am upset that 1. he has seemingly misled me over his attitude towards hard-core porn. I do no mind erotic literature or sex scenes in ordinary films etc. We both get turned on by that kind of thing. It's the nature of porn that i object to, not sex full-stop. And 2. that he hasn't been able to be honest with me about his use of it.

Just to be clear, he certainly isn't the brow-beaten poor soul that some of you are suggesting. We have a a very open relationship normally, no topic is off limits for discussion and we're not afraid to get into a disagreement over our opposing views (makes for fireworks sometimes but I would not have it any other way. We both feel strongly that we should be able to say what is on our minds). But I think sex is different - we got together very young and he had very little sexual experience. Despite being really outgoing, he is a private person and finds it difficult to talk about sex in the stark terms that I can. So I think that is part of the reasons why he hasn't felt able to discuss it.

I think the idea that I am controlling because i disagree with porn is hilarious! I didn't realise we had slipped back a few decades to a time when a woman airing her views on something she disagrees with being so controversial!

The first year of our relationship was long-distance so he did use porn then. He didn't know any different (and he was only 18). When we then started living together I felt uneasy about this and he said he didn't need it any more. As time went on, we then both learned more about the porn industry and this further reinforced my feelings on porn. He was in agreement (particularly after we watched a harrowing documentary that was on TV a while back). I wasn't asking him outright if he was using it still but i trusted him so didn't need to. He was lying by omission really although he did profess to being anti-porn in any discussion we had about it.

And yes, the majority of the men I know condone porn, strip clubs, lads mags etc and i think this makes them twats (I'm condemning the behavior here and not necessarily the person). That's my opinion that I'm entitled to and will not be changing so you can call me all the names you like! .

I don't think he ever stopped using it but he felt too ashamed (his words) to admit it. Then as time goes on, the deceit grows and it gets harder to come clean. When i reminded him of that documentary he says he still finds the industry repulsive. I said that if he is not of this viewpoint, i don't think we can carry on as i cannot be with a man that condones the abuse of woman for the pleasure of others. He has promised me that he is still of this viewpoint but I'm not sure. I do think a person can hold contradictory, incongruous thoughts about something though (see my smoking example above).

I'm happy for him to masturbate (especially at the moment when we can't quite seem to get the logistics right!) but again, his embarrassment has stopped him being able to be honest about it which hurts (i'm not expecting a blow-by-blow account every time, but he has led me to believe he wasn't, which I suspected wasn't true but didn't push the issue). I knew we had problems in our sex life so one good thing is that this has forced the issue.

He is quite worried that i will leave him still - not because I am a control freak and he is down-trodden but because we are madly in love with each other and have an otherwise brilliant relationship. He worships me and is heartbroken that he has disappointed me, he says he can't stand it. He is keen for people to see him as a good man and can't stand me thinking badly of him (his issues I think).

I just can't stop thinking about all of this. For some reason i feel quite clingy and we've been hugging and kissing a lot which i don't understand - the normal me would be ranting and raving! I guess I'm just feel quite shook up and vulnerable right now.

Sorry again for the essay. Think I've covered everything!

Ha ha to Abilly72! I would like to be involved when he masturbates (and have told him so before) but hasn't been honest about wanting to do that either!

And yes I do like sex but being the size of a house and trying to get near him when I effectively have a beach ball shoved down my top is making things more awkward! Plus this is the first baby for both of us so we're understandably a bit nervous.

And Juditz, I said that changing the wifi password was a knee-jerk reaction. I don't intend to go down that route as it's a slippery slope that doesn't foster a trusting relationship imho. He has suggested not using the computer when I'm not there and a variety of other impractical things to try and win my trust back but I've said no. I think complete honesty (even with the stuff that's difficult to say) and time is the only thing that will work here.

I know where you're coming from OP.

I hope you can manage to get close sexually again but I can imagine it's hard to get the thought out of your head. Plus you're heavily pregnant, so won't feel that desirable or up for sex, never mind feeling you're being compared to the women in the porn videos.

I wish there was consensual porn out there that was properly scrutinised. I wouldn't mind dp or possibly myself watching this.

I do think you need to talk lots. Hopefully you can survive this. But don't think you have to stay because of your family history. That would be so wrong.

Cowbag I do hope that you and him can find a way past this. Give it some time I think that's the only thing to do + keep communication open. He does sound contrite and I can well understand why you are so upset, I hope you can sort it out.

So you don't want to go down that route as it's a slippery slope NOT because it would be restricting another human being's right to access legal stuff that turns them on, then? .

The bottom line is that your dh enjoys porn and masturbates to it, there's no fudging that. Whether or not his liking of it outweighs his love for you is yet to be seen. Rightly or wrongly, he likes it. We could argue all day about whether this is right or wrong or whether men as a whole do it, but that's irrelevant: he likes it.

I respect that you may not be able to live with that so I guess whether or not you leave him is up to you. I wouldn't but that is just me and I am not you.

Not read the thread Cowbag but just wanted to say that everything really does change when we have children.

The physical aspect of the human reproductive system being used to reproduce actual babies completely reframes your thinking about sex. Later on the thought that your children might be exposed to porn really makes you cautious and wary of looking at it. These things are outside any moral or intellectual debates. He probably feels slightly soiled now that he is taking on the role of a father and you both have to move on.

It's good to hear that this process is bringing you closer, it is exactly as it should be. You are supporting each other through changes and for the next 20 years your lives will be constantly changing.

Good luck

i didnt mean abusive about not wanting him to watch porn. I meant the fact he had to jump through hoops, that you ggenerally dont trust him, that you immediately asked him if hed been doing something he shouldnt, and are talking about removing his wifi access, and the fact that hes petrified now and will do whatever you want to make it up to you.

If it really was a deal breaker, then youd have left, but youre not. Youre going to make him dangle a bit more, and the next time he wants a wank, hes going to be petrified.
I can totally understand why someone would be anti porn. Its a pretty problematic industry.

I think reiterating your stance, discussing it, whatever, or even leaving if it means that much to you, but ffs, get it in perspective, and dont be a complete cunt about it to him

Nah, she's not abusive.

He said he was anti-porn when they got together, like the OP.

She found out he was watching it and is upset, and rightly so.

She has no problem with him masturbating.

If he wasn't anti-porn, he shouldn't have lied and just said yeah I like to watch it now and then, if you can't accept that, find another guy. If more men were honest about it, there would be less relationship breakdowns.

Branleuse that's out of order.

"Why is he still saying he is anti porn though, when clearly he is not"

Not sure why people are struggling to understand this.
Lots of people are against 3rd world sweat shops but still buy their products occasionally and feel bad about it.
He probably is opposed to it, but was feeling pretty desperate so used porn (we're not all iron-willed saints), then felt pretty crappy about it, which is made 10x worse by his overbearing wife belittling him.
Let's face it, many people say masturbation is normal and healthy, but plenty of people still feel embarrassed and ashamed of doing it. OP has said he is a bit shy about these things.
Well done for making him feel even more terrible.

PS. I don't think he lied to get her to marry him either as someone else said. He probably is opposed to porn - no lie.
But the fact he has used it doesn't mean he lied all those years ago.
He could have changed his opinion, or just had moments of weakness.
Give him a break.

Well, I'm struggling to get how people are confusing using-porn and masturbation.

It seems some people genuinely feel that masturbation is impossible without watching people shag on a screen in front of them.

Wow.

It seems that men do "need" that visual stimulus more than women.
And because some women don't need it, they don't see any reason why men should either.
Not much empathy here.

Men "need" visual stimulus (porn?) to masturbate? Is that your argument?

Some men can't get a hard-on without watching porn and we should feel sorry for them? Hmm, o-kay.

In my OP I said it would be a deal-breaker before we got married. Not quite so easy to walk away from everything when you're married and have a baby on the way. That's what makes problems like this in a marriage so difficult to deal with. How trying to make my marriage work through a rough patch is making him dangle, I'm not quite sure?

Yes I have had trust issues in the past, not sure how that in itself is abusive. Yes the jumping through hoops could be seen as abusive (and i did say I wasn't proud of it looking back, 8 or 9 years ago now) but I was a pretty damaged person when we met and for some reason he wanted to stick with me and show me that not every men is a twat. Don't think i remember saying i generally don't trust him but please show me if I have. The restricting the wifi access was, as I have said more than once, a knee-jerk reaction and i don't intend to do this. Why you keep choosing to ignore this I'm not sure. He's petrified now and wants to make it up to me? I think I would feel exactly the same if he found out I'd been hiding something from him and misleading him for almost the entirety of our relationship. I think it would be quite weird not to feel like this actually. Also, I'm 7 months pregnant and quite clearly said I was unreasonable and irrational in my OP. I do not normally ask him if he's been doing anything he shouldn't.

So you're congratulating me for making him feel terrible? I think that's one of the most outrageous things I've read so far! Misleading your partner and lying to them for a prolonged period of time is wrong. Was i meant to say it's fine so he doesn't feel terrible when it's clearly not fine? If this was anything other than porn, there is now way anyone would be suggesting anything like that. Fair enough, he may have changed his opinion but he's not been open about it when we normally have really open communication. Would be interesting in you substituted porn for drugs in this conversation, and how different many of the responses would be.

Id say if you are looking for fault, then it is with both sides. He should not have have lied to you about matters close to your heart. He probably did not realise how anti-porn you were. A poster above said its like feeling guilty about buying a shirt from Primark, but you do it anyway.

Your fault lies with being so uptight that he felt he had to lie to save his relationship. Not entirely your fault because you cant help what you believe sometimes. I guess its a bit like a racist hating people from a certain ethnicity - you sometimes have that etched in the way you think. Racist beliefs are wrong obviously, anti porn views are not neccesarily wrong. But to a racist, the racist views are not wrong.

Im not really sure what Im trying to say now! I hope some of that made sense.

JohnFarleysRuskin Im not sure if men need more visual stimulus to get into gear, but it maybe its just that it speeds up the process. Remember that masterbation is usually a short quick fix process intended to achieve a goal (climax), so the visual stimuli provides the kick start.

So its not essential and no one is feeling sorry for men.

Yet more bizarre posts!

I like this part a lot:

"Remember that masterbation is usually a short quick fix process intended to achieve a goal (climax)"

Lol @ that reading as if JohnFarley is only familiar with wanking from an intellectual perspective.

Can we add this to the hall of fame of things people assume about people they assume don't like porn. That they don't wank. Brilliant!

JohnFarley I am also baffled at the numbers of people on this thread who equate no porn images with no wanking for men! It's utterly bizarre.

Also sad that you need reminding about the joys of a good long slow wank, zippey.

Or is wanking just for boys.

lol also at "uptight".

i like the comparison to racism as well. Yes cowbag, you having objections to porn for ethical reasons around people getting hurt is like being a big old bastard racist who hates people and possibly wants to hurt them. Just the same. What a stupid analogy. Would work better the other way round. OP is the anti-racist and partner is NF supporter.

Who is equating no porn images with no wanking?

For some men wanking + porn = better than wanking with no porn.

What's hard to understand about that?
And how does it imply no porn = no wanking?

Lots of people on the thread have said that OP wants to stop / has stopped her DH from wanking.

Maybe RTFT.

It's hilarious. Are we to take from this that all men are brain damaged, lacking as they are a basic function of humanity, the capability of imagination?

Having said that, empathy is also a basic function of humanity and that seems to be missing a lot from some of the posters here. There's a name for people who can't do empathy, I forget what it is at the moment.

As time went on, we then both learned more about the porn industry and this further reinforced my feelings on porn. He was in agreement (particularly after we watched a harrowing documentary that was on TV a while back). I wasn't asking him outright if he was using it still but i trusted him so didn't need to. He was lying by omission really although he did profess to being anti-porn in any discussion we had about it.

So he has been watching porn throughout your relationship, even though he told you he disliked it due to the abuse prevalent in the industry? What are his views now then, as he clearly doesn't feel the same way as you. Is he anti porn or not?

I imagine the situation is as others have stated when you know something's wrong but you do it anyway.

Unless he is addicted he should be able to pack it in I'd have thought.

OP says she has no probs with other types of material.

Just guessing though.

But if he is watching porn, then he knows that he might be watching abuse and he is supposed to be against the abuse of women. Bit difficult to get turned on by something that you are opposed to isn't it?

Well I don't know I'm not him.

I have enjoyed things that I knew were ethically extremely dubious. Food, mainly. Drugs, sometimes. I'm sure most of us have haven't we?

Bottom line is he has been lying to her and whether they can move forward from that in a mutually acceptable & rebuild trust.