Help - found DH using porn

[cowbag1]

First time poster but long time lurker – I’ve never felt the need to post until now. Sorry this might be long!

So, to set the scene, I went in to work for a few hours yesterday. My DH dropped me off (I don’t have a parking permit at work and we car share anyway) and I asked him to pick me up at a set time (we only live 10 minutes drive from my workplace). I’m 7 months pregnant with our first baby.

When he didn’t arrive at the agreed time, I called him and he was still at home. He had apparently been asleep and his alarm hadn't gone off. He came straight out to get me; I was a bit miffed but he apologised profusely when I got in the car. Something didn’t sit right though and so with my (what I thought was) unreasonable, irrational pregnant head on, I asked him if he had been doing anything he shouldn’t. He was immediately quite defensive and we argued all the way home about me asking accusatory questions (he thinks it’s out of order, I defended my right to do so).

We didn’t talk much when we got in and he continued to be defensive. I went on the computer for a bit (to check mn etc!) and he had a window open on there with a game he had been playing. I haven’t felt the need to check his browsing history for years now (I had serious trust issues when we met 10 years ago) but something made me and sure enough, there was a porn site plus a Google search that he had used to find this site. Search term he used was “XXXX(porn star name) XXXX swallows”.

At this point I need to add that I am very anti-porn and he has always led me to believe that he is too. Him being into porn would have been a deal-breaker to me before we got married.

He strenuously denied that the history was him and insisted that we run an anti-virus scan on the computer (we have had viruses before, now I think I know why!) but the way the colour drained from his face told me otherwise. Also, I may not be a computer whizz, and he could have explained away the porn site as a pop-up but I know that the computer doesn’t randomly create Google searches! He continued to deny everything for a while until I made it clear that not telling the truth now would have serious ramifications for our marriage.

So, over the course of the evening, he admitted to looking at porn yesterday and masturbating. He also admitted that he had done it a few times since we got married (last August); although he says it was no more than a few times. He promises he isn’t hiding anything else (I asked him about cheating, strip clubs, sex phone lines or anything that involves payment) and I believe him (mainly because we share all of our money, have joint bank accounts etc and we spend all of our free time together so there isn’t much opportunity for him!).

He is absolutely devastated and petrified I will leave him. He says he feels better now it’s out in the open, felt horrible every time he did it and intended to stop when the baby was born (!). He says he will do anything to make things better and win back my trust. In all other aspects, he is a very decent guy and considered by friends and family as one of the nicest people they have ever met. Everyone thinks we have a fantastic, strong relationship.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I’m not upset about the masturbating (even though he hasn’t been honest about it) as our sex life has been quite poor for a while now and we haven’t managed to have sex since I got pregnant. It’s something that has been bothering me and we have discussed it a handful of times but he’s always assured me he still finds me attractive (despite showing it less).

I’m more upset about the way he denied it so strenuously (what else is he lying about?) and I’m horrified that he’s looking at porn. I feel like he isn’t the man I married and everything I have based my love for him on is a lie. I’m always telling myself that he is one of the few decent men out there and I feel sorry for those women whose husbands look at porn. I feel utterly ridiculous that I have actually been one of those women all along.

I’m not sure why I’ve posted; I just don’t know what to do (and I can’t sleep!). If we weren’t married and expecting our first baby, I would be strongly considering leaving him but I absolutely will not have my baby growing up with divorced parents (like I did) so I feel trapped. I just can’t get past this.

What should I do? My opinions on porn will not change; I am about as strongly opposed to it as it’s possible to be! How can I trust him again and stop feeling like all men actually are bastards after all.

Its incredible, isn't it. If a man genuinely can't wank without watching porn, then he's either got real sex problems going on, - so I wouldn't want to shag him, a complete lack of imagination/experience - so I wouldn't want to shag him, or is just incredibly lazy - so I wouldn't want to shag him.

Of course people select partners.

They select them based on attraction, shared values, that sort of thing. Perfectly normal.

I agree that she shouldn't muck with the wifi but she was very very upset having found out that the man she is 7 months pregnant by has been lying to her about sharing one of her core beliefs.

I'm also not sure where you get the idea from that I don't like porn

A lot of assumptions from you, none with any substance. You have a story in your head that you are following irrespective of what anyone actually says.

And, like I said, coming off somewhat creepy.

Poor old OP. OP plenty of people understand exactly why you are upset.

Perhaps your attitudes towards men, Juditz, and how they must watch porn or they are weird (!!?) are blinding you to the fact that the op is very hurt that she has been lied to about something she feels strongly about.

My husband doesn't lie to me, I know he watches porn... He works offshore 6 months of the year and having been a female also working offshore for years being surrounded by hundreds of men who openly swap porn, it's in every room, in the draws from DVDs to magazines and sitting listen to them go in about how some of their wives would be upset if they knew but they just say they don't do it and truly believe what their wives don't know does not hurt them type attitude.

So I'm sorry I do believe most men do use it have used unless perhaps the odd real religious types but I'm speaking more on general terms

Also the OP husband might of lied or maybe when they met he did not use it, maybe they had a healthy sex life and he did not feel the need but perhaps his wife being pregnant and sex being off the menu for a while , which is totally normal , has made him have a little look

Hardly crime of the century is it..? And all people here are doing are winding the poor OP up, look your husband is not a bad man, what he has done is pretty normal

All I'm saying is give him a break, no need to cause a huge drama over such a trivial matter.

No he didn't tell her he didn't use porn, when they met.

He told her he was actively against it on ethical grounds.

Not quite the same thing.

I would agree that most men have at some point in their lives in the UK used it. I think it is not true to say that all men in the UK use porn full stop.

Not that that particularly matters does it? Very few people are vegan, it is outside the norm. If OPs DH had said he was vegan on ethical grounds - and she was too - and it was a shared value, and then she found out he'd been dining on roast dinners in his lunch break, she's have every right to be upset, wouldn't she? Don't you think?

Or if that doesn't work for you try a left wing activist finding out about support of the NF, an anti-racism campaigner finding posts to a hate board, anything like that.

Do you see?

OP, the way your partner has reacted to this - not denied, lied, blamed you etc - does suggest he loves you very much.

I hope you can work it out: with talk and compromise and love on both sides.

Salene, which is it? do use it have used Again. What are you trying to say?

Lots of women have at some point seen it too, come to that.

Assuming we are talking images of real people here rather than writing, cartoons, or indeed listening to people in the next room having sex

But that's not the point is it. It's a huge deal to the OP.
I wouldn't have a problem with DH eating a bacon sandwich but a veggie would. It's not for me to say "don't be silly everyone does it nothing to get worked up over".

Both john.. Have watched it or do currently watch it depending on their current circumstances..

All I'm trying to point out, is the poor man is not some kind of freak because he was masturbating to a dirty video. It's a normal thing to do in this day and age.

I think OP needs to calm down, she is 7 months pregnant and not thinking logical - pregnancy does that to you, emotions run high, you would not understand as being a man you have never been pregnant.

And perhaps he did think he was against porn but 7 months of no sex made him a little curious , people do change their views etc.

SevenZarkSeven:

You're just excusing her extremely controlling behaviour as regards his internet access. No different to saying, 'I know he shouldn't have hit her but he was extremely upset at something she did' about a violent man.

Most people would reasonably say that restricting his access is abuse on her part.

Face it, l, like most people here, see her as controlling. And the fact that porn may be viewed as bad, does not mean that she is not uber-controlling.

Porn can be bad AND she can be controlling-two are not mutually exclusive.

You know what I mean, all men in good health and with an internet access will watch porn.
Especially a man whose wife is pregnant.
Some men are better at hiding it than others.
FFS men have been hiding porn from their family members since the ages of 12.

Er. Well, I have smoked, but I'm not a smoker. I would assume most people have seen porn, but that doesn't mean they're regular porn users.

So your position is ALL men (except odd religious ones) regularly use porn?

If that's so, I disagree with you. I wonder what makes you say that too.

OP if I was you I'd try to forget it, things will seem far worse than they would if you where not pregnant

You clearly have a decent man who is upset he has upset you. Put the issue to bed for now and concentrate on your baby and getting your head back to its happy place .

Once your baby is born and you and your husband are back to normal you can always bring the matter up saying now I sex lives have returned to normal I'd prefer you did not watch it and I'm pretty such he will be happy to go along with it

You really don't need to be stressing yourself over this and allowing it to drive a wedge between you and him, right now you need his support, ESP in this last couple of months.

I appreciate you hate porn and most likely seeing how upset you have got , he prob won't do it again anyway. But stress is the last thing you and baby need now. So personally I think you should try to forget it.

Salene you're not getting it.

OP and her DH were anti-porn for ethical reasons. Because of concerns about the industry and the inability of knowing whether what you are watching has been genuinely consented to.

So they didn't watch porn because of a concern that what they were watching might be coerced, abusive.

You don't put aside concerns like that because of "curiosity".

That would be like saying you could understand why someone who worked for a children's charity could get curious about images of child abuse porn and have a look when they were feeling a bit frisky. Although, of course, lots and lots of people do.

At the end of the day, every man watches porn

IMO all men will use it to some degree or other

I don't. Not because I have anything against it, but because I just don't find watching other people have sex at all interesting.

If the relationship gets to the stage where you have to stop him using the internet while you're out and he's in, it's time to call it off IMO.

"Especially a man whose wife is pregnant."

Good grief.

The only definite sign of abuse I see here -for while porn may be abusive, it is often between consenting adults who see it as a job, is the fact that the opening poster wants to/has restricted his internet access.

As if a man who did that to his wife would get away with that here. but that is passing you by isn't it, SevenZarkSeven the fact that the op is a control freak?

?

You are very angry about this.
It's not even your relationship.
You are painting a picture from your imagination that bears no relation to anything the OP has said.

Why? Have you some issues around this yourself?

SZS I'm unsure if your a man or a woman not that it matters but I find your views far to strict, I guess if we all thought the same life would be boring..

You can maybe encourage OP to make a mountain out of a molehill with regard to this but I've given my advice/views on it, and think she needs to calm down.

So I guess we need to agree to disagree.

Oh look what I said a few posts up: "I agree that she shouldn't muck with the wifi".

You're not actually reading any of this are you, you're just chucking out posts based on a conversation which is in your imagination. (Or maybe one you've watched on a film, having an imagination seems to be not a given on this thread).

No issues about it whatsoever. Couldn't care less about porn provided consenting adults are involved, it's all OK by me.

Just that it really amazes me that the one thing that is definitely a red flag here i.e. her restriction of how he chooses to spend his time on the web totally passes you by while you get on your high horse about porn.

But that's OK, he's upset her, so she can do this. .

Talk about not being able to see wood for trees.

Salene which of my views do you find strict?

All I have said all the way through is that OP is understandably very upset after finding out that her DH has lied about sharing a strongly held ethical belief.

I can't understand this.

So say I am a member of the Green party and my DH has always said he is too and we share beliefs around that. And then I find out he's secretly a member of the national front. Is that OK? It's not OK.

I don't understand how anyone thinks his behaviour is OK.

Maybe lots on this thread don't have much in the way of strongly held beliefs? Don't know. I would have thought most people had more empathy than that.

If my vegan friend told me that her vegan DH had been eating bacon sandwiches I'd understand her upset, even if personally i have no issue with people eating bacon sandwiches.

This thread is odd and rather depressing.

Are women really to put up and shut up when their partners lie to and manipulate them?

Perhaps he used to be anti-porn on ethical grounds but has since changed his mind. Maybe he knows the stuff he watches does not involve abuse or coercion - or indeed 'slaughter' as one poster mentioned. Pornography is a very broad church.

Christ another one who isn't bothering to read any posts.

You'd almost think that some people didn't want to listen to what anyone else said, that they'd already made their mind up

"Perhaps he used to be anti-porn on ethical grounds but has since changed his mind."

Then as it was a shared ethical belief that he knew his wife felt strongly about, he should have talked about it with her.

Do you think it would be reasonable for my vegan friend to find out her vegan partner had decided the whole thing was cobblers by coming home and finding him grilling bacon?

Oh Dear..........no sex after you got pregnant..and why would that be??There is no reason in the world why couples should give up a normal sex life when a partner is pregnant.Prhaps another of your 'problems' is that you do not like sex at all??So male,no sex for months? or always rarely? looks at porn to get aroused and then masturbates-dont blame him really..why not do it for him yourself??
Changing settings and paswords is a big no no