Help - found DH using porn

[cowbag1]

First time poster but long time lurker – I’ve never felt the need to post until now. Sorry this might be long!

So, to set the scene, I went in to work for a few hours yesterday. My DH dropped me off (I don’t have a parking permit at work and we car share anyway) and I asked him to pick me up at a set time (we only live 10 minutes drive from my workplace). I’m 7 months pregnant with our first baby.

When he didn’t arrive at the agreed time, I called him and he was still at home. He had apparently been asleep and his alarm hadn't gone off. He came straight out to get me; I was a bit miffed but he apologised profusely when I got in the car. Something didn’t sit right though and so with my (what I thought was) unreasonable, irrational pregnant head on, I asked him if he had been doing anything he shouldn’t. He was immediately quite defensive and we argued all the way home about me asking accusatory questions (he thinks it’s out of order, I defended my right to do so).

We didn’t talk much when we got in and he continued to be defensive. I went on the computer for a bit (to check mn etc!) and he had a window open on there with a game he had been playing. I haven’t felt the need to check his browsing history for years now (I had serious trust issues when we met 10 years ago) but something made me and sure enough, there was a porn site plus a Google search that he had used to find this site. Search term he used was “XXXX(porn star name) XXXX swallows”.

At this point I need to add that I am very anti-porn and he has always led me to believe that he is too. Him being into porn would have been a deal-breaker to me before we got married.

He strenuously denied that the history was him and insisted that we run an anti-virus scan on the computer (we have had viruses before, now I think I know why!) but the way the colour drained from his face told me otherwise. Also, I may not be a computer whizz, and he could have explained away the porn site as a pop-up but I know that the computer doesn’t randomly create Google searches! He continued to deny everything for a while until I made it clear that not telling the truth now would have serious ramifications for our marriage.

So, over the course of the evening, he admitted to looking at porn yesterday and masturbating. He also admitted that he had done it a few times since we got married (last August); although he says it was no more than a few times. He promises he isn’t hiding anything else (I asked him about cheating, strip clubs, sex phone lines or anything that involves payment) and I believe him (mainly because we share all of our money, have joint bank accounts etc and we spend all of our free time together so there isn’t much opportunity for him!).

He is absolutely devastated and petrified I will leave him. He says he feels better now it’s out in the open, felt horrible every time he did it and intended to stop when the baby was born (!). He says he will do anything to make things better and win back my trust. In all other aspects, he is a very decent guy and considered by friends and family as one of the nicest people they have ever met. Everyone thinks we have a fantastic, strong relationship.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I’m not upset about the masturbating (even though he hasn’t been honest about it) as our sex life has been quite poor for a while now and we haven’t managed to have sex since I got pregnant. It’s something that has been bothering me and we have discussed it a handful of times but he’s always assured me he still finds me attractive (despite showing it less).

I’m more upset about the way he denied it so strenuously (what else is he lying about?) and I’m horrified that he’s looking at porn. I feel like he isn’t the man I married and everything I have based my love for him on is a lie. I’m always telling myself that he is one of the few decent men out there and I feel sorry for those women whose husbands look at porn. I feel utterly ridiculous that I have actually been one of those women all along.

I’m not sure why I’ve posted; I just don’t know what to do (and I can’t sleep!). If we weren’t married and expecting our first baby, I would be strongly considering leaving him but I absolutely will not have my baby growing up with divorced parents (like I did) so I feel trapped. I just can’t get past this.

What should I do? My opinions on porn will not change; I am about as strongly opposed to it as it’s possible to be! How can I trust him again and stop feeling like all men actually are bastards after all.

"Your fault lies with being so uptight that he felt he had to lie to save his relationship."

Umm no, his fault is lying and potentially destroying his relationship by doing something he knew she was seriously against.

All this men are more visual nonsense. We have something called control don't we? Sets us apart from animals. So it's a choice. Or should men just give into their instincts and sleep around for procreation purposes?

I'm surprised at how many people wouldn't mind their partner lying to them.

Say you told him that you wanted a monogamous relationship and he said he did too. Say you told him that if he cheated on you it would be a deal breaker and he agreed it would be for him too. Say you found out years later that he had lied about that and had been cheating on you all along. That would be ok would it? You would just accept it and carry on.

Or say you told him that you didn't like racism and he said he didn't like it either. Say you told him that if your partner was racist that would be a deal breaker for you and he agreed it would be for him too. Say you found out years later that he had lied and he was a racist after all. That would be ok would it? You would just accept it and carry on?

I would definitely be questioning who this person was that was telling me one thing and doing another.

Good grief, there's some horrible stereotyping on this thread!

All men like watching other people having sex. Erm, no they don't. Most of my partners haven't been porn users. The one who was a frequent user was frankly creepy in bed.

The OP hasn't been refusing to put out, as some posters have implied. She said upthread that her partner is afraid of hurting the baby and hasn't been able to perform.

This also isn't about wanking - OP also said she was fine with that.

Porn-lovers like to paint a picture of us antis as uptight, prudish or shit in bed. It's not about sex! Don't know about the OP, but I like pretty dirty sex - with my partner. It's about exploitation and not getting off on watching images of women being abused. Women leave that industry traumatised ffs, and a much higher than average number of female performers have experienced childhood sexual abuse and so are likely to be damaged. Do some research!

Can people just stop thinking women = uptight and controlling and men = sexually incontinent.

It seems that men do "need" that visual stimulus more than women.

So what did men do for the 100s of 1000s of years before print media and the internet?

Spend all their time furtively wanking outside the neighbours', hoping to catch a glimpse??!

Hmm, I don't know why but for some reason I see masturbation as the one thing that is totally private, and therefore details about it don't have to be shared with anyone at all, even a husband or wife. Some people prefer to masturbate with no aids, some prefer it with sex toys, some prefer it with a saucy novel and some prefer it with porn. But IMO, it is nobody else's business how someone likes to do it, as it's private. I think it's related to fantasies - I bet most people has a fantasy that is completely private that they don't tell their OH about and IMO that's fine. Therefore to my mind it isn't really any of the OP's business if her DH watches porn when she's not around, especially if he is having trouble with sex atm and needs a bit of stimulation.

I do understand what you're saying about being morally opposed to it, and that you thought he was too, and therefore he has lied to you. However, he sounds like a very decent man and not someone who has deliberately lied to manipulate you. I think it's far more likely that he initially enjoyed it when he was young and didn't know about the abuse in the industry, then saw the documentary with you and was upset by it so stopped using porn. But that was a while back now and he's probably a) forgotten a lot of the info about it and b) convinced himself that it's not so bad and that he is watching the stuff where there is no abuse going on, because he enjoys it and needs to find relief at the moment. He has kept it from you as he is ashamed but I think that is sad as it's a private thing and he shouldn't feel ashamed by what turns him on.

I think we've all done things that we know aren't really great - for instance I do buy cheap clothes even though I know somewhere along the supply chain there are probably people being taken advantage of. If I was asked about the issue by DP I'd say I was strongly against all forced labour but I can imagine when I'm in a rush to find a top on a day I'm feeling poor, I would pop into Primark and convince myself that they've improved their standards due to the campaigns and that one jumper wouldn't make any difference. Perhaps not right, but I wouldn't expect my DP to leave me over it! Yours sounds like a good'un - talk through it and I'm sure the two of you will be able to sort it all out.

This is my first post ever. I am going through the same thing as you. Respect to you for feeling able to share your views on porn, in todays world having strong views like ours is very isolating and being told you are overreacting by other women is hurtfull I bet.
My husband won't talk about the latest episode, we have had problems like this in the past but I chose to forgive him. Now I am thinking that's it's not something I am going to be able to change and I don't know what to do next. Lets face it, it's everywhere!
The trust issues are the most damaging to your relationship. I keep looking at him and thinking 'do I really know this person?' Especially as we have been married a very long time.
Sometimes I feel really silly, especially when I plucked up courage to talk to a friend and didn't get the reaction I expected.
You are not alone xx

Bunnys I think the thing is you have a right to decide your own boundaries in a relationship. Internet porn probably only evolved after you got together so the likelihood was that wasn't part of the deal when you got together. Assert yourself and refuse to be intimidated by this industry in your private life.

Porn isn't everywhere, you can agree to add internet restrictions on your broadband. I'm sure he will survive without.

Apologies, but I'm gonna go off topic here!

@JapaneseMargaret

So what did men do for the 100s of 1000s of years before print media and the internet?

Spend all their time furtively wanking outside the neighbours', hoping to catch a glimpse??!

Nope, they drew it, put in on vases, made clay models etc. Humans have always used the technology at their disposal to create erotic images, fiction etc. It's part of the human psyche.

I'd really recommend Timothy Taylor's book 'The Prehistory of Sex' for a historical and archaeological view on how people have been doing it and arousing themselves throughout the human past (short article on the same theme here). It really helps you to both understand and challenge some of the gendered assumptions we make about sex in our society* (Ice Age dildos? Yup. Turns out Sex and the City didn't invent female masturbation).

*Or at least it did for me.

(FYI: all of the links are safe, there's nothing dodgy there apart from an erotic Roman wall painting in the first wikipedia link)

I think it's pretty clear that it's been around for a long time but the difference now is that women do not have to have it in their lives if they don't want to. In the past they would have no voice, no choice. Now, though, they do.

Those who do want porn in their lives can, those who do not should be afforded the same courtesy. OP was clear that this was not something that she wanted in her life, her home, her relationship. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's her choice.

Now, though, she has discovered that her dh shares different views and is not, in fact, the man she thought he was. If the relationship is to continue it will be from the new start, new boundaries, new choices.

Very difficult position to be in I'm sure.