Help - found DH using porn

[cowbag1]

First time poster but long time lurker – I’ve never felt the need to post until now. Sorry this might be long!

So, to set the scene, I went in to work for a few hours yesterday. My DH dropped me off (I don’t have a parking permit at work and we car share anyway) and I asked him to pick me up at a set time (we only live 10 minutes drive from my workplace). I’m 7 months pregnant with our first baby.

When he didn’t arrive at the agreed time, I called him and he was still at home. He had apparently been asleep and his alarm hadn't gone off. He came straight out to get me; I was a bit miffed but he apologised profusely when I got in the car. Something didn’t sit right though and so with my (what I thought was) unreasonable, irrational pregnant head on, I asked him if he had been doing anything he shouldn’t. He was immediately quite defensive and we argued all the way home about me asking accusatory questions (he thinks it’s out of order, I defended my right to do so).

We didn’t talk much when we got in and he continued to be defensive. I went on the computer for a bit (to check mn etc!) and he had a window open on there with a game he had been playing. I haven’t felt the need to check his browsing history for years now (I had serious trust issues when we met 10 years ago) but something made me and sure enough, there was a porn site plus a Google search that he had used to find this site. Search term he used was “XXXX(porn star name) XXXX swallows”.

At this point I need to add that I am very anti-porn and he has always led me to believe that he is too. Him being into porn would have been a deal-breaker to me before we got married.

He strenuously denied that the history was him and insisted that we run an anti-virus scan on the computer (we have had viruses before, now I think I know why!) but the way the colour drained from his face told me otherwise. Also, I may not be a computer whizz, and he could have explained away the porn site as a pop-up but I know that the computer doesn’t randomly create Google searches! He continued to deny everything for a while until I made it clear that not telling the truth now would have serious ramifications for our marriage.

So, over the course of the evening, he admitted to looking at porn yesterday and masturbating. He also admitted that he had done it a few times since we got married (last August); although he says it was no more than a few times. He promises he isn’t hiding anything else (I asked him about cheating, strip clubs, sex phone lines or anything that involves payment) and I believe him (mainly because we share all of our money, have joint bank accounts etc and we spend all of our free time together so there isn’t much opportunity for him!).

He is absolutely devastated and petrified I will leave him. He says he feels better now it’s out in the open, felt horrible every time he did it and intended to stop when the baby was born (!). He says he will do anything to make things better and win back my trust. In all other aspects, he is a very decent guy and considered by friends and family as one of the nicest people they have ever met. Everyone thinks we have a fantastic, strong relationship.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I’m not upset about the masturbating (even though he hasn’t been honest about it) as our sex life has been quite poor for a while now and we haven’t managed to have sex since I got pregnant. It’s something that has been bothering me and we have discussed it a handful of times but he’s always assured me he still finds me attractive (despite showing it less).

I’m more upset about the way he denied it so strenuously (what else is he lying about?) and I’m horrified that he’s looking at porn. I feel like he isn’t the man I married and everything I have based my love for him on is a lie. I’m always telling myself that he is one of the few decent men out there and I feel sorry for those women whose husbands look at porn. I feel utterly ridiculous that I have actually been one of those women all along.

I’m not sure why I’ve posted; I just don’t know what to do (and I can’t sleep!). If we weren’t married and expecting our first baby, I would be strongly considering leaving him but I absolutely will not have my baby growing up with divorced parents (like I did) so I feel trapped. I just can’t get past this.

What should I do? My opinions on porn will not change; I am about as strongly opposed to it as it’s possible to be! How can I trust him again and stop feeling like all men actually are bastards after all.

I agree with Meerka really.

He knew that this was something you felt really strongly about, he has lied to you, and he has broken your trust.

It doesn't really matter what it is, and whether other people would react similarly or not. It is about something someone feels strongly about and has been lied to.

Like if I found out my DH had secretly been attending meetings for some political movement he knew I was absolutely against.

You need to really talk about this. I am not sure how winning trust back goes - time? However you are never really going to know whether he is still doing it or not, you have no way of knowing.

OP why did you have serious trust issues in the beginning of your relationship?

Although I probably wouldn't LTB over this - I would hope that respect and trust could be rebuilt - I was very at your statement but I absolutely will not have my baby growing up with divorced parents

Seriously? So he can behave however he likes and you will suck it up?

I don't think you are overreacting, your opinions on porn are perfectly valid. You had an agreement on this and he broke your trust.

Now it's up to him to rebuild the trust. Start by finding out why he used porn instead of having sex with you. Maybe he has issues with your pregnancy.
I don't mean to excuse his behaviour, just trying to show you a way forward. The only way forward is talking about it.

And yes, what are the trust issues from the beginning?

Or why he couldn't just use his imagination FGS.

Men don't need porn visual to knock one out, for crying out loud.

What your DH has done is not illegal. You may have strong feelings about it but he does not have to share those views. Lying may have been his way of preserving his privacy.

But I don't understand that Gnome. Trust and shared values are important aren't they?

Say I was a vegetarian and DH said he was too and then I found out he'd been eating sausages when I wasn't looking?

Or if I campaigned on equalities issues and DH agreed and I found out he had secretly joined the NF and was an active member?

Those things aren't illegal, but they are diametrically opposed. Of course people don't have to share views with each other, which is why people tend to seek out people who they have commonalities with on issues they feel strongly about.

It's not OK to lie to your spouse to "preserve your privacy" around an activity you know they strongly oppose and have told them you oppose also, is it?

Not illegal, no. But a dealbreaker for OP, and if she wasn't feeling tied to him she would leave. He knows that.

Whatever your views on porn, if you're in a relationship and it becomes a substitute for having sex, it's a problem.

"What your DH has done is not illegal."

Adultery isn't illegal either, but I'd guess you'd be more supportive of the OP if she found her husband was sleeping around. The law isn't the issue here.

Thanks for your replies everyone, they've helped me get a bit of perspective.

I'll try to answer some of you; the trust issues I had when we first got together stem from the very unhappy childhood I had after my parents got divorced. We've been together since we were 18 so building a long-lasting relationship was a new experience for us both. I made him jump through a lot of hoops to prove his trust (which I'm not proud of looking back) but he did it willingly. So I have completely trusted him for 8 years or so now and haven't felt the need to check up on him.

The reason i immediately suspected him is that it was so odd for him to have completely forgotten about picking me up (especially as he's been hyper-protective since I've been pregnant) plus the fact he was so defensive from the off. I'm one of the world's biggest cynics and i'm not fobbed off easily. I tend to think the worst if something feels wrong (sound like a pleasure don't I!)

I am a very strong woman, speak my mind and know what i want but bringing my children up in a family of divorced parents is my weakness and i do worry about my ability to leave him if i had to once we have children. I understand that is shocking for some.

I understand that i sound controlling and i appreciate people pointing that out. I don't want to restrict his internet access as i think it will achieve nothing. It's just a knee-jerk reaction to the shock of it all i guess.

I think SevenZarkSeven has explained perfectly why i feel so disappointed and upset about this. I feel like i don't know who he is anymore. I think you select a partner partly based on the similarity of your views on certain issues and now his views aren't what i thought they were, what does that mean for us?

Our sex life issues since i've been pregnant revolve around him worrying about hurting me or the baby and therefore not being able to perform. I haven't felt that up for it either and that's why i'm fine with the masturbating but not the porn. Why does he need it?

I don't think he's saying he doesn't enjoy porn, more that he felt guilty about going behind my back, knowing how i feel about it. We've both been in tears for most of today (we sound like a right pair of soppy twats!) and this is the first major issue we've had in our 10-year relationship. He's a brilliant husband in almost every other way but i feel so sad that's he's not as perfect as i thought he was (given how long it took me to trust him completely). I suppose i had him on a bit of a pedestal (because i don't trust men in general). Maybe that's what hurts most?

I think the counselling is a good idea and he has suggested it himself. Although, writing all this down, i think it will be me who has the most issues to thrash out!

You sound really lovely and like you have your head screwed on. I'm not anti-porn but my partner using it definitely affected my self esteem, that's why I didn't like it. What eventually worked for me was my partner being open about his use of porn as well as completely honest that he really was just 'using' it and it was no substitute for me (we didn't live together).

The first time it happened to me when I was pg I chose to really re-engage with him sexually and we did get past it, despite my devastation. It was never an issue again - the relationship ended for other reasons. I can't actually remember if he continued watching porn!!!

Don't worry about your marriage. This is the sort of issue which is a real test but you both sound like you are easily strong enough to move past it as a committed couple. You've said you have some issues to sort - and I agree. Been there, done that myself! It's quite illuminating to work out which areas of your life and behaviour have been affected by insecurities/trauma, etc.

I am not sure I would want a man with no interest in porn and who did not masturbate but obviously we are at totally different ends of the spectrum on this issue. Just talk to him about it.

I feel like i don't know who he is anymore. I think you select a partner partly based on the similarity of your views on certain issues and now his views aren't what i thought they were, what does that mean for us?

I get it OP. He lied to you when he said he was anti-porn. That was at the start of your relationship. Then he lied to you when he was caught out. That is seriously going to affect your trust.

Is there any way you can both draw a line under it now and look to the future? You might need to talk this through with him some more. Does he know why you don't like porn? Was he just agreeing with you or does he have actual, real objections himself which might be different to yours?

Greengrow, has the OP said she wanted a man who did not masturbate?

I think its porn she objects to and not masturbation.

I don't think he can fully explain it himself. He still says he is anti-porn (however, i am an ardent feminist so i doubt he feels as strongly about it as i do!) and that he would hate to think of our children watching it. Yesterday, when i was quite angrily asking how he can get off on the objectification and degradation of woman who may not have fully consented to the acts they are taking part in/being subjected to, he looked completely at a loss. He can't explain how his feelings and actions can be so seemingly incongruous. I'm not sure how much of this I believe though.

They best way he can describe it is as a habit from his teenage years. It was a time when internet porn just started entering the mainstream and every boy i knew was looking at it. I think it's so sad that a whole generation of men have grown up with porn as their first experience of sex. I think he just wanted the sexual relief yesterday and that seemed like the easiest way to get it at the time. He says there was a pop-up whilst playing his game and he then googled it to find the video (the history did show this to be true). He says he has masturbated without porn too so i don't think he has to use it. Fortunately it wasn't anything bordering on the illegal (i made him show it to me, not one of my greatest ideas as now i have horrible images in my head) but it was still unpleasant to watch when you're so against it. He says it wasn't planned and each time he feels so guilty he tells himself it will definitely be the last.

This just couldn't happen at a worse time. We obviously do have other issues in our sex life as it wasn't frequent enough before i got pregnant (due in part to my lack of body confidence, low self esteem and low libido from being on the pill) and he obviously didn't feel he could talk to me about his frustrations. But now, 2 months before we have our first baby, is hardly a great time to throw ourselves in to getting our sex life back on track! And i'm worried about how long it will be before we can after the baby is born. I've said i'm happy for him to masturbate (i'd prefer if i could be involved or it could be mutual so at least i'm getting something too!!) but the porn is out of the question. Not that I feel he should have my permission, but just to let him know that isn't the bit that has upset me.

I'm glad so many people have said they think i'm being unreasonable to be honest as it gives me back a bit more control by re-framing how i think about what has happened. If it had been a unanimous LTB i would be in a much worse place right now! Hopefully we can use this to make our relationship stronger. He says he feels absolute relief that I've found out so that he can stop feeling so bad about it.

I kind of wish i hadn't found out but then would it have ever stopped? And i do worry about the effect it has on the mind and on people's expectations of a healthy sexual relationship.

Why is he still saying he is anti porn though, when clearly he is not

I agree Fairenuff , it makes no sense and it's something we need to talk about much more before i will feel comfortable with his explanation.

I suppose it could be a form of cognitive dissonance (sorry, I'm a psych grad! ) - he finds the reality of porn unpleasant and the lack of ethics worrying but he can't help being turned on by naked people performing sexual acts. Like a smoker who knows that each fag is harming her health but will still reach for another. I suppose it just depends which of your 2 opposing believes is strongest and in this case it was his desire to watch porn .

Say I was a vegetarian and DH said he was too and then I found out he'd been eating sausages when I wasn't looking?

I wouldnt have a problem with this. I dont own my DH so what he does when I am not there is not so much of my business if it doesnt directly affect me.

Wow OK

You have totally different standards in relationships than pretty much anyone I have ever known!

So your partner can do anything they like, even things they have specifically told you they won't do, and which go hugely against your principles?

Just, wow.

What do you feel strongly about, Gnome?

Anything?

Racism, sexism, politics, being kind to old people or animals, fidelty, treating others with courtesy, religion, ....

I mean there must be something in this whole wide world that you care deeply about!

You talk about sausages, which was one part of my post. So I assume you would have no problem with your partner being an active member of the NF either, given that was the other example in my post? It is not illegal, after all.

Some people do have relationships like Gnome though and if they are both fine with it there's no problem, it will work for them.

But it OP's relationship that is important here because they set out their beliefs and now something has changed so it's sort of back to square one, really, and deciding if that is the person for you after all.

There must be something though.

I find that really odd.

If I found out that DH was discriminating with clients at work if they weren't white, or being rude to old people as a matter of course, or shouting "banter" at women and girls on the street, it would fundamentally alter how I see him.

I am a bit boggled that literally anything goes, as long as it's legal.

You are right though, it is about OP. I can well understand why her foundations have been rocked.

I think the only thing to do is talking and time, isn't it. And see where that goes. I think trust probably can be rebuilt but it's a long haul.

i think its fine to be anti porn but you are treating him like a naughty child. You actually sound pretty abusive to me, and while i respect your right to be anti porn, I think you have frightened this guy into saying whatever will keep you.

Hmmmm, that's an interesting one. Controlling I could get from what I've written but I'm not sure how my discovering he now looks at porn when he has previously said he doesn't and wouldn't want to makes me abusive? I set out my stall wrt porn early on, it was his decision to pretend he felt the same. Whether that was to keep me or not is irrelevant, it was his choice to lie?! If he was afraid of losing me, I'm not sure what you would suggest I should have done to not abuse him??! Pretned I'm OK with porn.

Odd, unless I've misunderstood you?

TBH it sounds like a massive over-reaction to me. Possibly this does stem from the OP having put her DH on a pedestal which IMO is neither realistic or healthy in a relationship.

It is quite possible that the DH has been frightened by the OP's reaction to something which he is possibly embarrassed about (masturbation is a private matter for most people). He is now agreeing to anything to keep the peace. He has probably been doing this for a long time. How often has he just nodded along with the OP's views?

Jesus - poor bloke. If you haven't had sex for seven months then I'm not surprised he's been masturbating. And you sound very naive to have been stunned by it.

All this 'deal breaker' nonsense is just that too - nonsense. If you bang on about how anti-porn you are of course he's going to say he is too!
When and how he masturbates is nothing to do with you IMO.

This thread would be funny if it wasn't so sad! Give him a break. And maybe you should be masturbating too - as you sound very uptight TBH.

Giving him so much grief in the first place because he was late collecting you was ringing alarm bells for me as well.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I hope you don't continue to let this be such a big deal. Just because a man has a wank watching a video or a grown up "swallowing" it really should be this much of a big deal. In my experience, the DH's who are married to the women banging on about how terrible porn is are the ones who watch it the most!