Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

Well, that's this thread resolved.

Do fuck off and read the whole thread Trufflehunter.

Has anyone heard from the OP? I am starting to worry about her.

I was thinking the same thing, Mummyglitzer.

truffle, you're kinds missing the point.

I really hope you are okay op.

Trufflehunter I too sometimes don't read threads properly. OP's partner earns £150K per year which is a totally huge amount to most people. He does not seem to be paying his share at all of family expenses hence the OP is in this position. So this case is different from a person who is just living beyond their means.

Hi all

I really want to thank everyone for their I out and concern, I have read all of the posts and have an awful lot to think about.

I would not attempt to snoop on 'DP' and definitely wouldn't attempt to remove money from his account. We are not married and apart from mortgage have no shared finances so I would be on very dodgy ground if I started doing stuff like that.

I spoke to him again today, I asked him how much is in his business accounts as free cash, I won't post how much he has said but suffice to say if he had the will to pay this off he could with no impact to the business whatsoever. However he stated clearly that he feels unwilling to do this as I must learn to curtail my spending and to nail me out will only facilitate this happening again.

He has also said he is deeply unhappy at work and ideally wants to sell the business, which makes financial planning at this stage more important.

I am not at this stage completely sure he has financially abused me, but I do believe there has been emotional abuse which has led to me feeling unable ( scar even) to confront this issues both within myself and between us before now. I have said this to him and have also told him I am gouge to seek clarification on my legal,position should I feel his treatment of me continues or worsens.

I am going to go ahead and seek the secured loan, we have a large amount of equity in the house and all I am doing in effect is taking some of that out, albeit Ina. Roundabout way. Having drastically reduced debt payment will allow me to start to save and plan and feel a. Lot more in control and if it comes to it the worst case scenario is that The loan will be taken out of any house sale if and when we split.

Also, it's really important to me to clarify that I am not in any way excessive in my spending habits!! A few posters have suggested this although I am grateful most haven't and have been incredibly supportive.

The £470 spent earlier this month was £270 for what equates to six months clothes for the kids, including shoes, underwear, school stuff, plus a whole wardrobe of winter clothes. Oh and a few bits for me, I now have four bras to my name rather than three and have five new pairs of socks!!!

The other £200 was for my little ones birthday party, that is the going rate in my area for a reasonably ordinary party!!!!

I wasn't aware that he had declared his income. He takes dividends from his company and I thought the whole point of the thread was that the OP had no idea how much he earned- as he kept it secret.

I hope you will find the strength and means to leave this man. The fact that he won't contribute to his children's parties or buy their clothes beggars belief.

I would really advise that you seek legal advice before taking out a secured loan on a JOINTLY owned house. Also- the money spent was on HIS children- so why should you be saddled with all that debt and a poor credit rating for the future?

It doesn't make any sense at all.

Sorry for typos!! Bloody ipad autocorrect!!

Also wanted to say that what DP earns is a fortune in my eyes and yet I feel poorer now than probably ever in my life, probably due to being trapped by the debt.

I often think I would be 'better off' with someone who earnt a normal amount like me but was willing to be ' in it together'.

Life is hard and strange and you don't always get what you think you will

However he stated clearly that he feels unwilling to do this as I must learn to curtail my spending and to nail me out will only facilitate this happening again.

This is how a parent talks to a child, not a partner to a partner. And we already know how you got in to this situation in the first place, and it wasn't reckless spending.

Also wanted to say that what DP earns is a fortune in my eyes and yet I feel poorer now than probably ever in my life, probably due to being trapped by the debt.

Or probably not.

Life is hard and strange and you don't always get what you think you will

This isn't the life you have to accept though.

Oh this makes me so sad, he should be sharing the household costs with you and it seems to me that nothing will change in the future. Curtail your spending? What about him contributing extra money towards his expensive eating habits (such as not liking Aldi food and I bet he wouldn't know the difference half the time!). You really shouldn't have to take out a loan to clear a debt that has been accrued in this way, he should (IMO) want to help sort it out.

Hmmm. In order to 'curtail your spending' as he says, then you both need to sit down and work out a joint budget. Surely?

Expenditure should be equitably split between you according to your relative incomes. And that doesn't mean half each. You have children. You are not flat-mates!

Excellent words Vivacia.

I feel I just have to be strip onager though Vivacia. Leaving will get really really messy and the poor kids will get caught up in the horror of it all.

And I don think I can be brave enough to leave the kids with him, which despite the incident previously he will eventually be able to do.

I have underlying depression and anxiety and being worried about them will tip me right over the edge. I can't do that to the kids.

For now I just need to sort the finances and make slow plans.

What Vivacia says is true. I echo her comments and would also like to stress that the situation you are in and your DP's attitude leaves me cold.

DO you really want a life in which this is the pattern year after year? You are being financially abused and, after all, its only money. Maybe its great that he is stacking it up on its edges but it is making you miserable.

Taking out a secured loan is tantamount to saying to him he is right and you don't deserve his help.

Don't let this be the pattern for your life. Its too short to be stuck with someone as unpleasant as this. Give yourself your life back.

To clarify - by saying 'its only money' I mean that having ample money within the partnership should be enabling you to live a relatively carefree life. It is only money and anyone who uses it as a stick to beat you up with is not deserving of your love. It could be used to give you both an equal part in the relationship. He is not in this relationship, that's the bottom line.

Living with a bastard like him would make anyone depressed and anxious.
FGS man-up, and start fighting back.

Don't pay off your debts with a loan secured on the house. Talk to a lawyer. get advice.

Have you any friends or family you could live with short term?

No he's not, the money is just one way in which we don't connect but I just feel unable to leave ....at least for now.

I am not always a believer in complete sharing of money. However, where food, children and household expenditure are concerned, you need to live according to joint income, which means that he should be paying the vast majority, if not all.

You have accrued debt because you have effectively subsidised him over a period of years. The only fair solution is for him to not only pay you back, but to give you some savings as a safety buffer for the future. Then, work out a plan going forward.

I think this is financial abuse and you should think about leaving.

The only thing I don't quite get is why one suicide attempt makes him unsafe? I have never heard anyone think that about a mother.

If you do go down the route of a secure loan.

Please ensure you look at your finances and don't spend any on him. He has got more than enough to pay for himself. If you carry on as you have been nothing will change. Your curtailing of spending as he suggests is not to waste money you don't have on wine or fancy food. Simply put you cannot afford it.

That you only have 4 bras and 5 new pairs of socks whilst he has ££££ in the bank and is looking to waste his money on a shitty picture shows just how abused you are being financially.

You may find a lot of this underlying depression and anxiety stems from him!

The other thing is that it is crazy, as a couple, to borrow money at relatively high interest while savings earn almost nothing, and that is taxed at top rate