Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

This is going to sound a bit glib, and I know from experience sounds a lot easier than it is, but try to look at things from the point of view of how you could make it work if you split with him, rather than looking at all the reasons why it wouldn't work. Say he said he had decided to emigrate without you or was going to be committed to a hospital for a few months, neither of which is beyond the bounds of probability, you would have to manage without him, so how would you go about it? Think the unthinkable - make the plans. And then decide whether it's what you want to do. (I'm quite sure it is.) For example, have you checked out what benefits you might be entitled to on your income with your number of children? You might be presently surprised.

pleasantly* surprised, obviously (I don't even have autocorrect!)

Yes he probably would eventually have unsupervised contact with the children. But that is two days out of 14. And if he puts a foot badly wrong, it can quickly be suspended. And the other 12 days of the 14 your children see you free, independent and fulfilled. What a fabulous thing for them to see and aspire to! They probably won't if you stay.

Annie funnily enough I did go on the entitled to website yesterday mainly as I wanted to see if I would get any help with the childcare bill (7.5k per year).

It said I would get no help with the childcare but would get about £250 per week in universal credit against rent and council tax) although That may not be correct given that of we split and sold the house would probably have some capital at least for a while, so not sure.

Please get legal advice before you take out this loan.

I would also say, leave him, before you are completely dragged down by debt you wouldn't have without him.

He lives his carefree and entitled life and lets you go into debt for necessities. He hasn't got your or your children's best interests at heart.

Doesn't his huge pile of money in the bank and his refusal to pay the comparatively small amount of debt show you that this man does not care for you at all? Bail you out? Who does he think he is?

Please stop being a doormat. Stop enabling his abuse. You deserve better.

Larry few parents attempt suicide the one evening that they are left in sole charge of the children.

OP I'm not suggesting that you leave tomorrow. I think that this is a period of slow awakening for you.

I think, in your shoes I would do two things. Firstly, say and do anything to get him to pay off that debt. I would play any role of contrition and naivete to achieve this. Secondly, I would make escape my long term goal. Set a deadline of January, say, and start planning my new life.

This one of the saddest threads I have read on MN. And it seems OP is unable to effect positive change.

"Sole"?!

If the house is in JOINT names- you said it is- and the loan is secured against it, doesn't this become a JOINT SECURED LOAN against the house?

How can it just be your portion of the house that the loan is secured against?

I assume he will agree to this because it effectively lets him off the hook and if you do leave then you can take £30K less out of a house sale- but all of this needs sorting, legally, especially as you are not married to each other.

Have you asked him for half / a fair proportion according to income difference of the cost of food for the household and clothes/shoes for the children? If not why not?

Pink I know this, re the 30k. He has agreed to countersign the charge the loan company would have against the house ( I cannot sit it otherwise) but you are right, if we then well I would get half minus 30k but that is almost irrelevant to me now. For the same reason that I gave never pushed marriage ( I feel sure if I had insisted we would be married by now). I don't want to be married to him, or to take 'his' assets. I f I go back full time I can earn circa 35k per year which is a respectable wage. I don't want to be dependent on him or what he has because of how he has treated me emotionally.

so the plan is to wipe out the debt- or at least be £30K worse off- and then leave?

How are you going to repay this loan when you can't cover your outgoings now? How much will the loan cost you each month?

You're being very silly.

You need legal advice and you need to try to get HIM to pay off the loan.

Plenty of people are saying the same thing but you won't listen.
why is that?

I don't want to be married to him, or to take 'his' assets.

No, but your children need at least one parent who will work hard for their financial security. We're talking clothes here, not luxury holidays.

Pink if I get a secured loan my repayments would be more than cut in half. Half of my debt is credit card debt and the payments are huge and I would be chipping away for twenty years at the rate I am going!!

The loan will be against a joint asset so in this way at least the debt is jointly owned by him as well, even if I am making the payments. To me it seem like the best of several not great options, given that he will not help me clear the debt.

The alternative is either an IVA or bankruptcy neither of which I actually need given that I am earning ( and can and will now earn more) and also have a valuable asset.

OP you say that you would get half the equity in the house.

Who has told you this?

Who has paid most of the mortgage?

You may not get half, or you may get more.

Have you had legal advice?
A lot of your ideas seem based on what you believe not what a court or solicitor would decide.

The interest on the secured loan is approx 1/6th the interest on the credit cards and is over a fixed term, so with a clear end in sight and no further snowballing.

The loan will be against a joint asset so in this way at least the debt is jointly owned by him as well, even if I am making the payments

Owned by him- but not paid by him. Yep that's spot on.

so all you are doing is putting the loan onto the mortgage and paying it off more slowly / at a lower interest rate.

Your other option apart from IVA or bankruptcy is to get your 'partner' to pay up retrospectively for the upkeep of his children.

Are you too scared to ask him?

It sounds like living with this man has worn you down, OP. So no, you may not be in a position to just up sticks and go, though everything indicates that that would be a win-win solution.

I agree with Vivacia, set a deadline and gradually work towards it, emotionally, financially, etc.

Your anxiety, I would say, is because of living with this miser.

I asked him outright today and he is not willing to do it.

When it comes to signing for a secured loan who knows he may have a change of heart.

Either way I need to take some control of my finances to even ever contemplate leaving.

I can't in all honesty blame my anxiety etc on him as I had problems for ten years before we met ( counselling, on meds etc). That's probably why I ignored the red flags etc.

However you are right I do feel very Wien down by it all.

I have asked this many times and you have not answered- have you seen a solicitor about this?

Have you taken advice- even from the CAB, Women's Aid- anyone?????
Have you been advised on how YOU could gradually pay off the loan in other ways?

OR- can you use your income to pay off the loan and not pay all the other costs re. children? Then what would he do?
Do you pay all the mortgage too?

Do not rush in with this loan without getting advice.

what happens in future if you want out and want to sell, and he doesn't?

Pink all this kicked off on Friday so I haven't yet had a chance to see a solicitor but I plan to do so next week. Mainly to clarify the house equity situation.

I am listening but genuinely struggling to see how me continuing to make unaffordable payments is better than getting a secured loan at a much lower interest rate and repayment level. I would have options then , the ability to save etc, and I also have a powerful 'tool' to bargain against as DP will be caroling himself that if I stop making the payments ( I would never do this but who us he to know) then they would come after the house).

OP needs to take it one step at a time, and I think she needs us to support her at her speed.

Getting lots of advice (legal, Women's Aid etc) before rushing in to anything with the loan is good counsel I reckon.

your other option is to ask him for contributions to your joint outgoings- HIS CHILDREN !!!- PLUS extra for the loan you need to pay.

This is a ludicrous situation and you don't seem to see it like that.

Are you intending to carry on paying for it all yourself- still?

He has children he doesn't support.

I think I'd rather leave him and live in a refuge than spend another night under his roof- and then apply to have the house sold.

OP a wise woman often tells me that when things are tough we often feel there's only two options. It happens to me and I think it must be a coping strategy for the brain.

However, if you set yourself a target, you can come up with more. It might be helpful at some point to write a list of ten different options.