Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

Fairylea- she said 15K!

Our finances are the same as pinkfrocks. Dh is on a very low wage (just over £15k) I'm a sahm and we have two dc. We also have tax credits and I have maintenance for dd aged 11 from a previous relationship. All our "income" goes into a joint household account, all bills, payments etc come out of this. We have agreed a set budget for groceries/dc stuff etc. Whatever is left (worked out to the last £!) we transfer to our own single accounts to spend as we wish - we have £150 a month each to spend (we have a very low mortgage). We are in some debt (£2k ish) due to house problems but we are paying it back from the joint household account. We are a team and do everything together.

My first dh was very much like the ops dp. When I finally snapped and left him when dd was 6 months old he finally had a light bulb moment and presented me with a cheque for £40k (which was half of what he had sitting in the bank - after refusing to pay his half of the rent for 6 months saying he didn't have any money) I tore it up in front of him. It's not just the money, it's the total lack of respect and equality in the relationship.

15k! !!!!

Yes, it is useful to know what other couples do and how they share although plenty of couples keep their own money and then pay proportionately for bills (rather than 50/50 and keep their surplus to spend or save as they choose). I am not saying total sharing is always right for everyone. If you both are careful wtih money then total sharing is certainly the traditional way although UK working class culture and even in Japan today is that man hands all money to wife who controls it and gives him his bit of spending money back so even that works for some.

I would recommend women get interested in and know all about things like what pensions they both have, savings, see tax returns, P45s, pay slips and the like as if you ever do break up having copies of all that stuff including spouse's shareholders' agreements for companies, partnership agreements, share certificates can be very useful. (Some higher earners which by the way are often women not men these days do hide money on divorce).

He drank 2 bottles of wine while family were visiting , what do they make of that ? Can you confide in any of them . It would be helpful for you to have a rl view form outside the household and hopefully support. Sounds as if his mh issues have been long term and am amazed he apparently holds down a high paid job. Unfortunately he won't recognise any need to change and may well be well versed in hiding his nastiness behind a condition.

£15k is a lot to have in a current account, sounds like he has hundreds of thousands.

Don't tell him any of what you plan to do. He does not have your best interests at heart.

Greengrow OP is not married to her partner. He has very cleverly saddled her with all the debts for his day-to-day family expenses and will have no responsibility for the debt. The only good thing about this situation is that OP has a share of the house.

we have total trust and discuss all money transactions.
If DH wants to buy something out of our current account, he asks me if I am ok with it- for example he bought himself a nice push bike which was quite a lot of ££s. I was fine with it because it means he gets exercise and he loves it. At the same time, he said if I wanted to spend an equal amount on something for myself, go ahead as the money was there. I didn't need 'permission' - don't mean that, as I earn too, though much less than him.
He actually encourages me to buy things that I might hesitate over , even though we can afford it.

We've always been very careful with our money but also totally transparent. he knows what's in my accounts, I know what is in his, ( we have records) and our joint account.

Not saying this is perfect and other couples do it differently but it works for us and our mortgage is almost paid off- yipee!

We also have always had joint current and savings account. We put in what we have and take out what is needed. It is like one bath filled from two taps but with one plughole
Sometimes one of us has earned more and sometimes the other. We are both on pensions but his is now bigger than mine but no one is accountable to the other.

The point is to start amassing evidence of what he has squirrelled away, if he really does intend to pretend he earns nothing so he doesn't have to pay CM.

Agreed - OP you should start getting copies of bank statements and anything else you can find to prove he has money stashed away.

I don't think I have ever seen a clearer case of financial abuse please please stop discussing your plans with this vile man, and for gods sake do not take out that loan. Go to your solicitor and get some legal advise before you do anything else.

I hope you're ok today and slept a bit better??

You need to start looking after you and the kids. You need copies of as much financial stuff as you can find. Can't believe he suggested a loan when he has 15k minimum sat in a bank account, that would wipe out half the debt.

boulder how are you this morning lovey?

It could be very hard to prove how much money he has. I suspect he will do all his banking online except the current account evidence via the hole in the wall - when he gave her his cards and PIN. I doubt this man will leave evidence lying around.
She's already told us he minimises the screen if she sees him doing online banking.

It's impossible to extract information from banks if you are not the account holder. Even as a joint account holder I've had problems- ringing the bank to ask a question and being expected to answer security questions that actually apply to DH's banking actions ( withdrawing £20 cash for example) - which clearly, day to day, I have no knowledge of.

May not be lawful but buy key stroke logging software and put it on his computer and get the passwords but they are not a married couple, they keep their finances separate so there is no right actually in law to do that or indeed to snoop and find out the details. A case called Imerman v Imerman held that - it said if you allow each other access to everything (our marriage) then on divorce or a split you can continue to look at the other person's stuff. If instead you have a relationship where you keep information confidential then on a split there is no right to snoop.

This is why I think couples should only get together on the basis of absolutely openness, disclosure and access.

Thing is , even though the debt was used to pay household bills etc, they are not married and it's all in her name so he is under no legal obligation to pay the debt. One could say that it should never have got to this stage and that she should have just refused to pay for things once her cash flow went nagative. I'm not saying it's all her fault at all, but I'm sure legally he has no real responsibility for the debt.

in terms of maintenance, she does need to gather evidence of his earnings but again, as they're not married, I don't think she has any entitlement to his savings and I don't think she should tbh. I understand why that may sound bad in this situation but I don't think unmarried couples should have rights to personal savings. Even dh and I have totally separate accounts etc. At the end of the day legally you could argue it's not his fault she got into debt. She could have just not paid the bills, not have had them in only one name etc, cancelled them etc.

He's awful for putting her in this situation, no question but from a legal point of view, she didn't prevent it either and so it's a sad situation really.

(Hope my post doesn't sound like I'm blaming you op as I'm not at all, I'm just saying it's not as clean cut from the legal sense).

OP, this is horrific. What a bastard.

Jamtoast, I thought 'financial abuse' is now deemed a crime, so surely an analysis of the OP's credit card statements, and the OP's and her DP's general finances would clearly indicate financial abuse. I wonder how a case for this is brought against someone? Because this piece of shite deserves some cumeuppance I can't help but feel. OK they're not married but they are a couple/family - is there really no legal comeback for this sort of behaviour when not married?

I'm a bit worried about you Boulder.Are you ok?

But getting yourself into debt - in an unmarried relationship- is not necessarily financial abuse, is it?

A lawyer could argue that there was no coercion, that she simply chose to get herself into debt and at no stage went to the DP asking for a fair contribution.

This has gone on for 9 years. It could be argued by his defence that there was plenty of time to sort it out before it got this bad.

Not defending him at all, but I think we need to be careful not to throw around claims of abuse when we aren't lawyers. (I assume.)

Well, the abuse is clearly there to see, it's probably true that she has no legal rights to any of his wealth.
Getting evidence will nevertheless help getting financial support for the children, in case he claims he's poor.

Are you Ok, OP?

Yes but no one has any right to see another person's financial situation when they are not legally tied through marriage.
I know that being married is not some people's aim in life but there are times like this when the law does act more favourably if you are married.

I think the advice here needs to be tempered- what about any privacy laws the OP might break if she goes hacking into or snooping into his accounts?

Hi op , I hope your ok today.

You're spending way, way over your income. £600 on food is crazy, you dont have to buy shit food to spend considerably less than that.

And what on earth do you need to spend £470 so far this month on clothes and birthday parties for your DC ??? We don't spent that money on clothes for all three of us in a year If you are £30k in debt you need to start managing your expectations !!

RTFT