Admitted to DP I am 30k in debt.....feeling desperate.

[Theboulderhascaughtupwithme]

So, for the last 9 years, my outgoings have exceeded my Incomings.

I am not good with figures/numbers either and despite trying to budget, do spreadsheets etc I have gotten deeper and deeper in debt.

Until two months ago believe it or not I had a gold plated credit rating, never missed payments etc, but now things are starting to bounce and default and I man so very scared.

I am Ina. Professional job, work part time and earn about 20k a year. DP is a company director and last year earnt over 150k, although most of the 100k was a dividend so heavily taxed and he put it all toward buying our house so it's not as if he has absolutely loads in his account.

I have been sobbing my heart out today as for the first time I cannot see a way out. I sent DP an email asking for help ( not necessarily financial, but help maybe re-financing in away I could manage or even just going through the figures, a hand to hold. I knew he would be angry but he has gone ballistic and has text my mum fgs to shame me I know.

The thing is, I have tried to go back to work full time but due to DP letting an incident happen with the DC I now feel unable to leave them ( I got a lucrative out of hours contract which would have averted all this).

I have tried at various points to ask for help but he has determinedly stuck his head in the sand.

Not looking for people to express their disgust with me, all the debt has been on basic living expenses, food, petrol, childcare, the usual.

b am not looking for absolution but could really do with some virtual handholding as I feel like I may be having a breakdown.

Could write more but cannot get me words out at the moment.

I feel I am moving forward so please don't feel I'm ignoring the good advice I am getting!!

It's taken nine long years but I have finally brought this out into the open with him. I was dreading it and was genuinely feeling totally desperate as my OP said. Feeling the world would crash down around me, the anxiety overwhelm me. Since Friday I have resolved that what happens next will be different from what has gone before.

I have at least one option to free up more money for myself ( save and plan), I am going to request an increase in my hours at work ( have told DP get may need to do more childcare) and have also resolved to see a solicitor. Knowledge is power and all that.

And I have been 'talking' to the fantastic ladies here on mumsnet all of whom are getting me thinking about a lot of stuff.

That's progress surely?

Vivacia I really like that idea.

You're doing great OP.

0I have just read the whole thread and can relate in many ways. My Ex also took an overdose while taking care of our child while he was a very young baby and I had a nap. I also called an ambulance for him , they asked if I was going with him I told him what happened and I was far too angry. Our child didn't end on the child at risk register as I made sure our child wan't left alone at any point . the problem when I left was these records were help with his MH nurse and not with SS.

I completely understand your fear of contact.

I do also see the financial abuse he doesn't want you to work because he wants you financially reliant on him.

I also think he sounds more like bpd than BP... despite his diagnosis. I think with his attitude you are going to struggle to get him to pay anything towards childcare ( i am certainly not talking about the rights and wrongs) but maybe you can ask him to contribute towards his children or pay the food bill. this will give you far more financial freedom. If not seriously cut back on anything that benefits him. but smart price basic foods, refuse to buy any of the stuff he has, if he drinks tea and you drink coffee only buy tea. etc.

if you collect dry cleaning for him then ask for the money.

I also strongly advise you to ring womens aid aswell.

Dear OP,
Sorry for this. Firstly try not to overly stress about the debt. My friend had this and declared herself bankrupt and the debt somehow became more manageable -- I think it was frozen. It doesn't matter if you have to do this.
Secondly, if you don't love him and it's not working, it might be better if you separated. You do own half the house and you could liquidate that to pay off debt if that was your priority. I somehow feel that without this man you'd be able to budget better -- he's bringing a craziness to your life which would calm if he wasn't there. I hope you sort it out. You sound like a nice woman and a good mum who deserves better.

Sounds like you have a good plan in the making, OP. You desire so much better.

OP you will never be able to sort the finances. It doesn't matter what you do because this situation is contrived and your DP will just scupper all your attempts to repair it.

What Iused said.

I get the feeling that getting the loan is part of his "control". He is "allowing" you to take out a loan - of all the other options available to help you he has decided this is the best option. He is in control.

It doesn't address the fundamental problem...supporting his children and his partner. You have 4 bras ffs! He wants to commission some poncey artwork. This should confirm what a vile man he is.

I would be tempted to sit down with a coffee and make some calls...WA, Stepchange, CAB. All of these people can help and will. But please don't take that loan out.

Chunderella - op has said she is on the deeds to the property which means she owns half.

OP, well done for taking some steps. You and your DCs deserve better. Good luck!

I'd get it very clear whether you are "joint tenants" or "tenants in common".

Why don't you stop buying his food? Treat him as he treats you- buy for the children and yourself and he can buy his own food, do his own washing etc, and live as separate people until this is sorted.

Chunderella, unless things have changed since I've been through two divorces and worked in conveyancing, it does. Unless there is some covenant in the deeds to say she owns less than half then where both parties are named on the deeds then both are treated as equal parties entitled to half each. It doesn't matter who has paid the mortgage from which account as she is named as joint owner on the deeds.

But tenants in common is something completely different.
My elderly parents have just changed their wills so that they are tenants in common. This means that one of them will pass on their half of the house to my brother and I on their death, in trust, rather than to the remaining spouse.

This is not a normal way of owning property for younger people as far as I know.

My parents changed their will and so forth to T in C because it avoids their house being sold to pay for nursing home fees when 1 of them dies- the remaining spouse will not own 100% they will own 50% and the other 50% will be in trust between myself and my brother.

You might find this useful reading

tenants in common

This is such a sad and frustrating thread. I get that it's hard to move quickly in these situations, but OP, if your partner has so much money in his accounts, I just don't understand why you feel that it's your responsibility to pay off this 30k. And, therefore, I don't get why you fail to see that you have to leave.

He is abusing you.

HE IS ABUSING YOU

HE IS ABUSING YOU

Can you hear that? Are you prepared to allow yourself to be treated like this? Are you happy that your kids can see you being treated like this? And don't kid yourself that they don't notice. Of course they do.

I really hope you do go and see a solicitor this week. I don't think I've ever heard of anyone in more need of one. And for God's sake, ring Women's Aid.

Hear hear

To be fair to the OP - if she has allowed this debt to mount up for 9 years without saying anything or making any changes, it's not likely she's going to turn it all round overnight.

I'd be invoicing him through his company for 50% of the debt because it's his- for his food etc.

what's your law school comment got to do with anything?

Are you posting as a lawyer giving professional advice?

I left the link to show that being T in C is not a 'usual' way of owning property and is most often used when a couple wants to avoid certain claims on their property. It can be used if one person has contributed significantly more but if this was the case for the OP I think she'd know and have mentioned it.

Hi all

Am feeling desperate again this morning.

Phoned up a secured loan company who said because he is on the mortgage he has to be a joint applicant on the loan ( I knew he would have to sign to agree to the charge on the house but not that he would have to be a full applicant).

I emailed him to tell him this but he has not replied. He won't agree to this so I am back to square one.

Letters have come this a.m to say my car insurance dd has bounced. I have fourty quid to last me until next Thursday and my work petrol expenses are 50 a week!!!

Feel so sick and ill, having some really dark thoughts.

How the fuck have I gotten myself into this situation.