I've never forgiven you for becoming fat

[24hourM0MMY]

My husband spoke these words to me last night. We've been talking about having a second child and told me he wants me to get in shape because he doesn't fancy me. I'm heartbroken. Btw, I'm 5'-4" and 9.5 stone, but he's got my 7 stone body from 10 years ago in his head. I dont know what to do.

There is one good thing that can come out of this OP - you are about to discover how great you can feel without someone constantly sapping everything from you because he is 'troubled'.

I can't emphasise enough that depression doesn't explain this. Depressed is depressed, nasty is nasty and your DH is definitely the latter.

Please consider getting yourself and your ds away from this to a better place and life. You deserve, and I am sure want, someone who values you as you should be, someone who can think of others rather than himself. You have a chance to find that, and certainly to find yourself happier, if you cut your losses here.

I know it must be horrible to hear all this, but please come back if you wish to, and tell us whatever you want. Even if you're not ready to leave people will try to help.

Have you tried turning the tables on him to make him see exactly what a shit he is being?

Something like "You know, I've never forgiven you for going bald. It just disgusts me" or "I've never forgiven you for daring to get that disgusting gut that you have. At least I had a baby - what's your fucking excuse? You make my skin crawl".

Yes, it is childish and a horrible thing to say - the point is, of course he is going to get angry and upset at this. At which point you can point out

"Okay, now calm down. So why is it not okay for ME to criticise YOUR physical changes - which are all normal with age by the way, but YOU can come out with disgusting and moronic statements about my weight which is in the absolute healthy range for someone my height. What is this double standard?"

I don't even understand why you would want to stay with someone who spouts things like this and means them seriously.

It's setting a horrible example for your child.

Kaykay...i did, i sent him this thread.

I'm guessing he'll dismiss everything here as irrelevant. Good luck OP. You'll need it,

24hourTWAT - you have said something that is and should be for many people unforgivable and I hope you enjoy your life as a single man

What did you hope to achieve by doing that, op? Do you think he is going to say 'oh ok, sorry, I realise now what an insensitive, bullying, disrespectful bastard I've been? Of course I can now see (via the views of internet strangers) that you DW are in fact beautiful, slim, fertile and lovely?'

Or, as is more likely, you have now given him a stick to beat you with - internet strangers? Discussing our private lives, my own preferences, my past? How very dare you. He knows your NN now, and can trail any further post you make.

That will not end well, and will probably jsut cause further hurt (to you) - unless of course you take some of the advice on this thread, and kick him off, find someone who loves you for you, who you are inside, not what you look like.

(Before he does this ^ to you)

That was not a good idea 24hourMOMMY for the reasons captmummy gives and the fact that you've effectively lost a place of private support.

Oh Op that's not good.

Ach...we'll all be fat/single/frigid/ninny headed keyboard warriors to him no doubt.
Our collective opinion will be dismissed faster than he can read it.

If you do read this Mr24...let me tell you that your behaviour is just appalling. I don't know if your wife has simply become accustomed to your manipulative verbal cruelty, but for me it would be the end of it all.
My self esteem wouldn't allow me to continue on in my life, with a man like you. You are very unkind indeed. Nasty bastards need not apply.

Your wife can only aim higher. It wouldn't be hard.

And yes...I agree this will become another stick to beat you with OP.
Never 'show him the thread'.
But seeing as you have...

He'll never be back on this to read any further posts. He's not stalking me on the net or anything, and I'm not afraid of him in that sense. I sent it to him so that he would have see that it's not just me who thinks he's been cruel. Rather than brushing it off he's had read a barrage of posts confirming his behaviour as unimaginable. I don't make excuses for him, and of course all of you are strangers to him and me, and of course you don't have any knowledge of our history. What these comments to present is an objective acute picture of what his words/actions say about him.

He has agreed to see a therapist. I can only hope for his sake that he will find it helpful. The rest, we will work through, no matter what the end. My son and I both need his dad in our lives, married or not.

Okay, but may I suggest you put ttc on hold for a while? I've a feeling he might be on his best behavior for a while...

Yes, seeing you have , Mr 24....

I wonder if you actually do consider your wife fat? If so, do you recognise that she is not medically not even within shouting distance of overweight - she could gain more than a stone and still be in the healthy range? So please account to her for both your preference for very underweight women, and also for your belief that you have the right to criticism and blame your wife for natural changes in appearance. You do know the world is bursting to the seams with people who love and support their partners through illness, weight changes, body changes of all kinds...? It sounds like your ideal partner would be some inanimate blow up doll. You should go down that route.

I personally suspect that weight is a red herring here. You clearly don't respect your wife as a person and you've certainly let her know it. Did you hope to achieve anything other than just hurting her?

It doesn't sound like either of you are happy in this situation, and it certainly isn't a good relationship for your son to witness.

Cross post, sorry!

A man like that would be the last thing I'd need in my life, OP. You only need to facilitate some contact for your son, although it is worrying to think what problems could result from that influence.

It surely did not come as a shock to him to discover that people don't consider his behaviour acceptable.

I so wish I knew the OP in RL, I would wipe the floor with that terrible excuse for a pair of Y fronts.

OP, you DON'T need this man in your life. you only have to tolerate him for the sake of your son, but if he's as vile to him as he is to you, then tbh, you son would have a better life without him too.

DON'T have another child with him.

The weight is not an issue here, he's using this as a weapon because he knows it will hurt you. he knows he can get to you by using this against you.

This is all about control.

A man like this will use whatever hurts to manipulate those around him. He will do it to your DS as soon as he starts to challenge him. he will crush and destroy your child if he needs to to maintain his own emotional hard on.

Nothing and no-body is of the slightest importance to him, except himself. Everyone is merely collateral damage.

My son and I both need his dad in our lives, married or not. no, you don't 'need' this man in your life. Your ds is entitled to a relationship with his father - and he will still be his father.

Your weight is really not the point - he actively dislikes you., op, and probably all women. I think once they get past that teenage gawkiness, females are no longer 'attractive' to him. [weird] Or maybe he prefers boys? Genuine question - Womens curves are obviously a turn off for him.

oh dear op, he'll dismiss us all as a bunch of man-hating lesbians, the back-slapping brigade. My x sneeered at any clarity or perspective I temporarily gained from the wisdom of strangers on the internet.

show him the door and wish him good luck with cara delavigne

Thanks for the update OP.

I didn't realise that there was counselling to change disrespectful misogynistic pieces of shit into decent human beings.

Especially when they are so fucking stupid that it takes an entire thread of objective strangers to convince him that referring to his wife as a "pity fuck" is not acceptable behaviour.

Good post kaykay.
He will be on best behaviour for a bit. Read up on the cycle of abuse.

He possibly may think we are an interfering bunch of strangers and most likely thinks we are all a little 'fat' from his impressions.

He shouldn't be 'agreeing' to therapy. If he wants to look at that avenue then it should be instigated by him. A therapist won't change your partners feelings towards you and his cruel ugliness within. We are fundamentally who we are.

Please think carefully before considering a further dc with this person. He is telling you who he is. Further down the line anything could happen health wise....looks wise....to any of us....if an extra stone or so is so clearly repellent to him then think carefully about further years invested.

I hope you find happiness and wish you well.

Take care.

He possibly may think we are an interfering bunch of strangers……..

Well, we ARE! But that doesn't mean we aren't RIGHT!

It's so sad that the OP 'needs' this man in her life, I understand the son does, but personally I need a man like that as much a poke in the eye.

OP I suggest you go to therapy yourself to find out why you believe you need him in your life.

I think you are part of a very unhealthy dynamic here. You need to figure out why you want to play the role you are playing -- healing this man, trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, pushing the square peg into the round hole.
Do you hope deep down that you are special enough to tame his demons?
Are you seeking some sort of validation of yourself by embarking on this healing mission?

I don't make excuses for him...
This is not necessarily true. I think you should look at your words here, at the snapshot you have provided, since you have done that in the case of your H.
...and of course all of you are strangers to him and me
This is defensive. You are defending the relationship.
...and of course you don't have any knowledge of our history.
You need to try to figure out why you think there is something exceptional or special or unique about this relationship of yours. Yes to a certain degree every unhappy home is unhappy in its own unique way, and all happy homes are sort of similar, but please ask yourself if you are invested emotionally in the specialness of this relationship (and in the role and reward you seem to have identified for yourself.)

.......................
Please also consider the idea that part of how Cluster B personality disorders present themselves, and part of how they damage their victims, is the sheer irrationality of their words and deeds. This irrationality is an affront to others who are reasonable, rational and 'normal' for want of a better word, especially those in close and intimate contact with disordered individuals. It is maddening, and the brain and spirit of the victim can't make a dent in it at all.

It is very much a predictable response of a victim or this irrationality to place your hope in counselling, or the power of psychologists, or some other supremely rational force (for instance the collective judgement of a majority of posters on a MN thread) to try to effect a change in the disordered individual. The fact that you have chosen this option tells me that on some level you realise that you are dealing with profound irrationality and your mind is desperately seeking reason and rationality as an antidote. You have already tried to explain it all to yourself - he is depressive, etc.

Please know that Cluster B disorders are extremely difficult to 'cure' and also that they inflict a huge toll on their victims regardless of age. Whether you think you are hurting or not, I really, really urge you to seek individual counselling for yourself and ask specifically for help as a victim of someone with a Cluster B disorder.

I totally second mathanxiety! I'm the most normal down to earth practical sensible person on earth and I had psychotherapy (only 8 sessions) but they were great for me.