I've never forgiven you for becoming fat

[24hourM0MMY]

My husband spoke these words to me last night. We've been talking about having a second child and told me he wants me to get in shape because he doesn't fancy me. I'm heartbroken. Btw, I'm 5'-4" and 9.5 stone, but he's got my 7 stone body from 10 years ago in his head. I dont know what to do.

Exactly what AcrossthePond says.

I was some 7st 'gym bunny' when I met DH 25 years ago, I'm not anymore but he loves me for being me.

btw - 9.5st on 5' 4" is NOT fat or overweight

Fucking hell op, you're an inch taller than me and I'm about 7 stone 12. I'm pretty much always the skinniest person in any group of people- it's always commented on. I have trouble buying clothes - lots of the smallest sizes in shops are still too big for me. I've been 7 stone as well but when I was in my teens and early twenties. I looked pre-pubescent and it was partly down to a bad lifestyle and eating issues. You sound a lovely size. Your dh has issues.

I am trying to pinpoint exactly which part of this I find the most irritating.

The fact that he considers your weight to be something that requires forgiveness from him - as if you have personally wronged him through gaining any weight whatsoever. OP -Your body is your own. It's not his property. This is a disgusting way to talk about a partner - like they are some kind of possession.

Then again, I'm also massively annoyed at the fact that he is clearly a fucking moron. Scientifically, objectively and even plain socially - YOU ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY OVERWEIGHT. You are smack in the middle of your weight range.

To be honest, your previous weight sounds incredibly unhealthy.

Why on earth would you stay with someone who felt entitled to make such idiotic, unnecessary and cruel comments about your body?

Even if you were massively overweight, there are ways of talking about this to your partner without deliberately trying to make them feel like shit.

I suggest you send him two links:

One to a BMI chart with your height and weight mapped onto it, and then another with a google map plotted from your house to his parent's house. Where all his things will be waiting for him.

Jesus Christ! You are the same height as me, and nine and a half stone!! You are not fat!

So...tell us more about this effortless Adonis you are married to. I'm sure for him to be so disparaging about you not being 7 stone, he must be quite the picture of physical perfection himself.

And btw 7 stone is totally unrealistic, unless you happen to have a naturally slender frame. I think grown women who are sitting at 7 stone, would be bemoaning not being able to put weight on!

I am 9.5 stone and 5foot 4.
He has seriously offended me by calling this "fat" i want to punch his lights out. My figure is great. Your figure must b amazing and you have had a child.
I would not give this man another second of my time

I'm so sorry OP. You are not fat. But then you knew that before you posted. What do you want to do?

Agree with Across - my weight has fluctuated throughout our 26+ year marriage and I am several stones overweight. My DH has never said anything like that to me and if he did I would immediately lose all love & respect for him.

Personally I feel healthier and more comfortable if I am slimmer (but that is MY decision) - no one is going to tell me how I 'should' look; just as I wouldn't comment on my DH's appearance.

How can you even think of having another child with this man?

Omg, I'm your height and I LOVE to be your weight, you arent fat and I bet you fabulous, I bet he's not super stud of the century.

Tell him to fuck off and get a personality that isnt one of giant, dick headed, arsehat.

I'm 5ft0 and I'd love to weigh 9st anything. I weigh about 10st 7 and my figure is pretty good, I've recently lost 2 stone & would like to lose a bit more. Luckily whenever I moan about not losing weight DH tells me he doesn't care what size I am, he married me for the person I am not the packaging...this is the correct response.

Am I correct in assuming that your partner is a perfectly proportioned Adonis?

I'm an inch taller than you at 5'5" and 7.5 stone, I could not possibly be any thinner without looking ill.

Is he critical and controlling in other ways OP? Or just your appearance?

Even if he had stopped fancying you your weight has nothing to do with it, it's not enough of a weight gain qualify as 'fat'. He's just being gratuitously cruel, and blaming you for a change in his own feelings, to avoid looking like the bad guy. (In actual fact, he's made himself look far worse).

Also non-forgiveness of something as minor as mild weight gain after childbirth has no place in a loving relationship. If he can't forgive you then he doesn't love you.

Me too - my weight has gone up and down throughout our 17 years together, and my dh has never commented in the negative about it. He loves me just the same either way. But then, he does not view me as a trophy to hold aloft, or a possession to show off. He thinks of me as an individual in charge of my own body.

This idea that putting on weight should be a matter for him to forgive (or not as the case would seem to be) is quite ludicrous.
I'm not saying that anyone has to be totally au fait with their partner becoming grossly overweight or anything...but that is NOT what is happening here! You are a healthy weight for your height...particularly as you are no longer 21 and have had a child. I'm willing to bet you look really good!

The women who can retain the willowy figure of their youths are in the minority. Just as men bulk up in fully fledged adulthood, gaining thicker necks and more solid shoulders and chests, so too do women become more rounded. Few of us (men and women) remain colt legged, hollow cheeked and angular, like your husband's laughable 7 stone commands.

You are not a dolly, and he is not your owner!

I am a similar height to the OP as well, and I haven't been under 8 stone since I was a teenager. As others have said, 7 stone at your height is seriously underweight. Does your husband (and you) realise that he has said he prefers a physically weak woman, as opposed to someone who is strong and at a healthy weight?

And does this somehow make him feel more 'manly' if you were at 7 stone?

Don't have another child with this person.

"And does this somehow make him feel more 'manly' if you were at 7 stone?"

yes, I bet this is the case.

As kaykay said, this level of cruelty, entitlement, delusion and misogyny would just be such a turn off for me, an unforgivable turn-off.

I hope you believe us OP

I don't think I could forgive a comment like that - it's pointedly, deliberately hurtful. And FWIW, I'm around your height and when I weighed just over 7 stone I stopped menstruating.

I know how you could "lose" 10 stone or so very quickly indeed ........

ha ha! yes, go that route.

So he fetishises dangerously underweight female bodies? Lovely.

I am shorter than you OP and I don't think I have been 7st since childhood.

Your husband sounds like a ballbag, from what you have written here. I don't think I could forgive such unkindness.

What would he do if you were horribly disfigured in an accident tomorrow? God forbid, just using the example. Would he just fuck off and leave?

wow.

Surely if you have a long term relationship with anyone, you need to accept that they will change physically over the years, whether you have children or not, but certainly if you do.
If you get with someone and expect them to stay exactly the same for the next 20 years, then hes delusional and thats just a completely unfair pressure.

Also, 'forgive you'??? You didnt get fat AT HIM.
Youre actually at a healthy weight, which is likely to be much more sustainable.
Maybe the only extra weight you need to get rid of is him?

The body-shape is almost irrelevant. Anyone who lobs the 'can't forgive', 'I don't fancy you' or 'I don't love you' bomb into a relationship is basically killing it stone dead. It's the kind of thing you only say when you've decided it's all over bar the shouting and, even then, you know it's guaranteed to hurt.

So you have to ask yourself, what motivates someone to say that and then expect to stick around? Do they think tough-talking will result in change? Are they simply thoughtless? Are they trying to create insecurity and crush the confidence of the other person?

My money's on the latter.