I've never forgiven you for becoming fat

[24hourM0MMY]

My husband spoke these words to me last night. We've been talking about having a second child and told me he wants me to get in shape because he doesn't fancy me. I'm heartbroken. Btw, I'm 5'-4" and 9.5 stone, but he's got my 7 stone body from 10 years ago in his head. I dont know what to do.

LOL Branleuse You didnt get fat AT HIM

He sounds like an entitled prick, how dare he insult your body like it was something he owned. I can only imagine how this must have hurt you deeply but if you believe the words hes spewed your only going to empower him further.

I chorus what everyone else has said here, you are most certainly NOT fat, he has a skewed view of how a womans body develops over the years. Please dont let his opinion of you (and other women) effect your self confidence. You were not put on this planet to please him.

As for having another child with this person, i would reconsider. If he cant respect you as a woman, he certainly doesnt respect you as the mother of his child, you deserve far better than what he can offer you.

How are you today OP?

don't have the second child!!! At least not with him.

Please

Wow. I'm 5.4 and 9.5 stone- I am a size 10. Not big at all.
Do you already have a daughter OP? I'd be seriously worried about raising girls with a man who has that attitude to the female form.

OP - are you coming back?

Ugh.What a total prick. Your body isn't 'HIS' and you've carried a child, your body has changed but you're not 'fat' and even if you were, as is said above you've not done anything to 'him' by your body changing.

I'm 5'2 and just under 10st and I'm not fat.

My DP has put a lot of weight on since we got together-I care for his health, but it hasn't changed my attraction to him-I love HIM, for much more than what he looks like!

He is not behaving like a loving partner who can be a good parent with you , with that sort of body fascism. Hope you're okay.

I've just used the NHS BMI calculator (guessing your age at 35, forgive me if I'm miles out!) and at 7 stone you would have been underweight, at 9.5 stone you are well within the healthy weight range.

Perhaps you could calculate his for him and see what he says when you tell him he's too fat (assuming he fits on the healthy weight range scale).

If you were seriously overweight there might be an issue with conception, but to tell you that he doesn't fancy you reveals more about him than you tbh - shallow, unkind and narrow minded are a few of my choice words!

Tell him he's right, you have got fat and that you have decided it high time to lose 12 stone of dead weight...

This is nothing to do with your weight it's a form of emotional abuse. Most women worry about their weight and he is playing on this.

Thank you all for your messages, i know you're all right. I've always been really skinny, small frame, and even at 7 stone, i was okay, healthy. Adding 2 stone to that does make a difference, but although I wouldnt mind losing a few pounds for my own reason (fit back into expensive jeans) I'm okay with it. I know what he said is unforgivable. Like many of you said, I don't see how I can ever get over his words. I haven't posted the rest if what he said (but the word 'gross' did leave his lips at one point, and so did 'pity fcuk'...). I'm not an unattractive woman by any means, I know this, he can't tell me otherwise. I just feel humiliated, fooled, embarrassed, and I can't stop thinking about how its possible that any advances I've made towards him in the past might very well have made him cringe, all the while I thought he wanted me. It's killing me, I keep thinking, what if my son knew how his dad saw me, would he support me or agree with his dad. I just want to turn back time, and never have met him to begin with.

Goodness, OP, I'm a very forgiving person and would usually make excuses, but what an utter bastard he is. What he said was completely unforgivable, and I actually agree with previous posters who have suggested you tell him to leave if he has such a problem with your body.

For the record, I would almost kill to be 9.5st. I'm the same height as you - shall I come round and show him what overweight, fat and gross really looks like?! Maybe I could sit on his head, so he can work out the difference between 'overweight' and 'perfect weight and size for my height'?

Wow, just read all the messages and your last message is so
Do not, do NOT try for another baby with this man - he sees you as gross and a pity fuck?!
Those aren't the words of someone who loves you for you.
5" 4 and 9.5 stone is NO WAY fat, it's not even overweight. I know this for a fact, as it's my height and I've been on diets in the past. It's slap bang in the middle of a healthy weight so he knows Jack shit.
(Sorry I don't usually swear but he sounds awful.)
Seriously, you can do so much better. Why would you want to be with someone who puts you down like that?

you can't turn back time, but you can stop wasting any more of it.

no, you didn't make him cringe - he was happy to have sex with you.He probably still is but you are worth more than that.

I know that 'LTB' is difficult, but it is the only choice here. Get out before your son learns this attitude.

good luck.

(BTW even if you were fat WHICH YOU AREN'T it would still apply!)

It sounds like he is desperately trying to break any shred of confidence that you might have.

Please please get this man out of your life. Absolutely no good will come from it.

And for the record, your son probably doesn't even think about your weight. He probably sees you as his wonderful, loving mother. 7st, 9st or 15st.

Oh 24hourM0MMY this is not a nice man you are with. Really he's not. And I am guessing that this probably hasn't come out of nowhere and he may be cruel in other ways too.

The question is, what do you want to do about it? (given that turning back time isn't an option )

If you stay with this man, there is every chance your son will feel the same way, because he will learn how to treat women from his father. His father is a disrespectful are. You and your son deserve better.

He sounds vile, I am so sorry

I'm 5'3", probably at my best at about 8 stone, I'm 9 at the moment. DH isn't bothered by a bit of squid he though; he loves me whatever I look like.

I'm glad your self esteem remains good OP. He sounds horrible. "Pity fuck", that is such a vile expression.

Seriously, my exh's attitude was exactly the same. I chose to file for divorce and his attitude - which was detrimental to my health - was enough for a judge to agree.

I am now 2st heavier, feel fitter and look prettier.

Sometimes I read threads like this and I'm briefly tempted to be thankful for my DH who, even when I was 4 stone overweight 2 years after DS2 was born, and even when I went through a can't-be-arsed-to-wash-my-hair-every-day-and-therefore-look-like-I've-been-dipped-in-chip-fat post natal stage which also coincided with an I-look-like-shit-anyway-so-what's-the-point-dressing-in-anything-other-than-rags stage, never ever mentioned it and in fact frequently told me how gorgeous I was.

And then I remember that that's how normal, loving, kind people are with each other.

You poor thing OP. That is shocking. He sounds truly awful.

FWIW, I am 5' 5" and 9.5 stones. I am a size 10 UK, 8 US....and feel great. I am sure you do too. This man is trying to undermine you. Does he have any redeeming features?

I am bothered by my DH's weight. He is South Asian, and it is known that people from there have a higher risk of diabetes and heart disease. I feel fear for him and his health, and sometimes want to shake him for being so silly about his weight.

And yes to kaykay and fancy - the fact that I didn't want my son to grow up thinking that it was OK to treat women that way was a major factor in my decision to divorce.

It might sound extreme to say LTB, but I have personally been in the same situation and I really do think it's the best option.

You could lose 11 or 12 stone really easily - by kicking his arse out the door.

24hourMOMMY I have had similar said to me and I know the humiliation. There is nothing behind it but cruelty.
No kindness, no love. No maturity either, and no sense that a relationship has to do with anything but his own whims.

In short, the problem here is not your weight, and it wouldn't be your weight even if you tipped the scale at 11 stone or more.

I weighed 7 stone on my wedding day standing 5'5''. I was underweight -- it's about what you would expect the average healthy 12 year old boy to weigh, but I have a small frame and I was extremely fit back then. That sort of weight and fitness level is not sustainable through pregnancy and breastfeeding and all the sleepless nights. exH decided I was fair game in pretty much every aspect of my life, and my weight gain (to a healthy BMI of 23) was no exception to his barrage of criticism.

There are plenty of waifs out there if that's what your H wants. Assuming he himself isn't as young as he used to be, I suspect most of them would laugh at him.

Please sort out how you will be able to manage financially, and start looking forward to the rest of your life, without him. It will get so much better you won't believe it.

You can visit the CAB and have half an hour free with a solicitor.

You are going to need some therapy too, after what he said. That was an assault that cut to the heart.